so I was almost afraid to write this blog for a variety of reasons. to start, I haven't written in a very long time cause of so many different things. but I guess I just got used to not writing, and it seemed like it'd be too hard to jump back in. I know that I don't write this blog for anyone really, so it's not like I feel some need to impress. but I do try to make each post somewhat meaningful so that if you choose to read what I have to say, you can actually take away something worthwhile from it. but beyond that, I was afraid to write this blog because it's hard to talk about. it's all about goodbyes. I am officially nearing the end of my senior year....crazy isn't it? how did I let all of that time pass? I know that I enjoyed it fully and I have LOVED this past year. loved it more than anything....but I think that's what's making this so difficult. I know I am ready to go to Tulane, and I am so excited about it. but it just hit me hard today that so many things that I care so much about are ending. I've already been to two senior proms, I've given a senior testimony at YL club, I said goodbye to my cube at youth group, I've taken two AP tests and a final, and tonight I ran in my last sectional track meet. I know that I should just be living in the now and not looking back at all of these things, wishing I could go back. don't get me wrong, I am more than satisfied with how things are going right now for me. I clearly have the most wonderful friends ever, and I randomly have a great boyfriend now too. I have so much support and guidance and love and patience and positivity. but I can't help but feel mopey and greedy sometimes because I start to dread leaving all of this behind. tonight at my track meet, I saw girls, like Julie, compete for the very last time....EVER. that was just too weird to see. as much as I love the idea of college, I also love the idea of being with my friends. part of the experience is definitely getting to know new people and stuff, but I don't want new people as of now. I am so content, no, scratch that, more than content (blissful) with my current friends. how will anyone compare to them? and I know and will admit that I can be jealous. the minute I see one of my friends being buddy buddy with a new friend, then I will become weird about it. ahhhh this is just so much to think about right now. and I know that I have "all summer", but it's going to fly. I am trying so hard to "appreciate" everything, but I don't even know where to begin. it sucks because as of tomorrow, I will only have about 11 days on school left. of course I am ready to be done, but I want to somehow appreciate these final days. should I do something crazy and take a selfie with Mrs. Hall? or finally ask Monopoly man what the hell he is writing about in that stupid pad of his? or just wave at all of the people that I probably will never see again? I can think about all of these things now, while I write in my bed, but when I get to school, I waste the day complaining about how we're trapped in a prison. I'm taking tests and I'm just trying to get by. I'm taking it for granted that I get to see all of these wonderful people that make me smile. I only have 11 more bags of cereal to bring for Philip, 11 more pledges with Pohlman, 11 more days of Freiler's lectures....it's just nutty. I know that I am 100% being way too overdramatic but I don't really care. it's crazy to think that last year at this time, I was SO excited about senior year and everything in the future. now I'm scared. I want to pause, rewind, keep myself from moving forward. up until now, I hadn't even been thinking about the end. I was just kind of living day by day, not acknowledging the fact that in a month, my boyfriend will already be at college, my friends will be working full time, and soon we will be apart. and one of the hardest parts is leaving behind my friends that are juniors this year. while it's tough to separate from my girls, atleast I know that they too are going to college and are experiencing new things. the juniors, on the other hand, are still at school, trying to make sense of it all. of course they will have amazing, fulfilling senior years, but I know it'll be so weird without them. at the meet, Betsy and I just held eachother and wept because it was our last meet together. thinking about her running without me next year is just too strange. I know that God has plans for myself and for her and for all of my classmates, but I don't like having to be so patient to discover what these plans may be. gahhhh it's times like these when I wish that I wasn't such an analyzer. I know that I am thinking way too much into this, but I guess I don't want to look back and think that I forgot to do something crucial before I left or something. and I guess it's a good thing that I have loved my experience over the past years and that I love the people in my life right? happiness yo....!! so this song was playing in Bridget's car on Friday (the night that I started this post) and it made me cry....so here it is
Beginning of the End
There's a phone call on a dark night
A long broken goodbye
An empty hand is wondering where to go
There's a right way and a wrong way
To walk down a lonely highway
And I've been on both sides of the road
Now I'm caught in the middle of in and out of love (love)
And either way I turn, I just don't have enough
Between what might be and what has been
Feels like the beginning, feels like the beginning of the end
Oh, the beginning of the end, oh
And I can't find any reason, only complicated feelings
Looking for the man you used to know
And it's not fair where I'm standing
And it's nothing like I planned it
The hand holds on while the heart is letting go
And now I'm caught in the middle of in and out of love (love)
And either way I turn, I just don't have enough
Between what might be and what has been
Feels like the beginning, feels like the beginning of the end
Oh, the beginning of the end, oh (x2)
There's a phone call on a dark night
A long heart-broken goodbye
An empty hand is wondering where to go.
okay so clearly this song is about a broken relationship and not at all about graduating high school and going to college. but I just heard this and automatically made it about my situation (I tend to do that). I've been listening to it on repeat like I always do when I write a post, and the part of the song that always gets me is "The hand holds on while the heart is letting go". I feel like I am trying so hard to hold on to every aspect of my current life because I am so afraid that it'll never be as good as it is now. it's too good to be true. I find myself looking at pictures of my friends and I every day, texting and skyping and calling the people that I love so much, and doing it just so that I can hold onto this happiness that is NOW. but I know my heart is letting go too. I'm realizing that I can't possibly stay close with every one of my friends. it sucks, but it's true. those people that I'm not super close to will probably fall through the cracks. and for that reason, I'm caught in the middle of in and out of love. I love my friends so so so much, but I know that realistically, I'll have to fill my heart with new people soon. not to say that anyone has to be replaced, but sometime you're just caught in them middle of drifting in and out. we're all kind of on our way out. this weekend showed me that it's officially the beginning of the end of my journey. that's really scary and hard to admit, but it's true. I know that this post has been super depressing and dumb, but there's a good part coming, I promise. so the song says that "There's a right way and a wrong way to walk down a lonely highway". as of now, I am definitely walking the wrong way down this lonely highway. instead of moping about how I have to leave behind things and people that I love, I know that I need to be filling my empty hands with all of this happiness and love and saving it. just because I am happy now doesn't mean that I won't ever feel this way again in the future. life certainly has surprised me this year, and God has thrown me plenty of curve balls. I have been so blessed, and I don't see what this has to end anytime soon. I gave a senior testimony at young life club a few weeks ago, and I told everyone that I was done being so anxious about the future. I think that I might have fibbed a bit because I still am worried and scared and anxious. but, like I said, I am so lucky to have amazing people to help me out on this new road, and I am confident in God's plan for me. so what if I have to be patient? it'll be worth it. so as some advice for anyone else feeling a little lost, remember that this journey is nowhere near over. sure, you may be ending your high school career, but that just means that you are beginning another crazy, beautiful chapter of your life, and that's pretty great. thank you to everyone who has impacted my life over the past four years, and I promise that I will do everything in my power to make you part of my next chapter and future chapters to come.
xoxo
anonymous blogger <3
