nobody said it was easy. no one ever said it would be so hard

YO. I kinda wanted to blog everyday over break, but unfortunately I haven't done that. I'm not really sure why. I really do love writing these blogs, but I think I've just kind of been lazy. seriously, for the past week I've just been sitting on my butt doing pretty much nothing. I have, however, snuggled with my friends and spent time with some pretty great people, and that's been nice. oh and I met a new friend too. so yay for that. I love how everytime a break rolls around, I always act like I'm going to be productive and what not, but instead I waste the days around and get nothing done. and that drives me crazy. I'm the kind of person that needs a schedule. I like being busy and seeing people and doing anything other than being bored. sometimes I forget to slow down a little bit and be silent and relax. I really like being in constant communication with people, which is good and bad. it's nice because I feel really close to my friends, but it also sucks because it means that I have my phone with me at all times, since I'm almost always texting someone. and I feel really weird when I'm not with people. I have trouble just sitting alone somewhere and being happy. so I guess if I've accomplished anything over break, it's the ability to find some peace while being by myself. I'm still working on the whole silence thing though...silence isn't my fav. usually when I'm alone, I'm listening to calming music or singing. right now, for example, my family is asleep upstairs, and Cleo pup is in the other room. so technically I'm alone. but there's still white noise. I'm listening to one song on repeat (like I always do when I blog), and my keyboard is click click clicking away. and my phone is softly buzzing next to me, of course. so I guess I'm never in total silence. except when I sleep....but that doesn't count, does it? anyways....point is: I haven't done much, but I'm sorta glad that I've allowed myself to just decompress and get collected. but at the same time I wish I would've accomplished something great. or atleast read a good book. but hey, I have a whole week to do whatever I want (except I should probably study/finish up college scholarships). but in between all of that I am going to read and do things that I normally can't do when I'm crazy busy during the school year. oh and today I became a yogi....what is a yogi, you may ask? well, a yogi is someone who does yoga. and yes, they are seriously reffered to as yogis. but anyways, Paxton invited me to go and I was sort of tweaking because it was HOT YOGA! ahhhhh. and I don't really do yoga....except in adaptive PE class, but I don't really think that counts, does it? anyways, I got up "early" (8:27am) this morning and started my day off right with some hot, sweaty yoga. and I actually felt so so so great afterwards. it sounds dumb, but the instructor tells you to focus on bringing in something good to your system and exhaling all of the crap that you need to get out. so I tried, just for an hour, to focus on my breathing and my body and just mentally relax. and there was silence. the teacher spoke, but her voice was like a soft hum, and the music that played was calming. usually, when I look at myself in the mirror, I notice my imperfections instantly. the pudge in my stomach, my huge, rounded nose, my large thighs, my not so toned arms, etc. etc. I would hope that's not what other people see when they look at me, and of course there are so many things that I love about myself too, but I tend to usually notice the negative parts first. but during yoga today, I looked in the mirror, and I saw a powerful, beautiful girl. I hate myself for saying that because I do realize how ridiculous I sound. but even though I wasn't wearing makeup and I was sweating profusely, I felt proud and I felt renewed and I felt strong. mentally, emotionally, and physically. it was a nice feeling. so I guess for the next week (since I get a free week at the yoga studio) I'm going to go to hot yoga. ok so that was today, but I'll throw it back a few days....so there's a very sweet girl that has Autism and is in Peer Buddies with me. I've known her since her freshman year (she's a junior), and she's always just been really kind but also kinda shy. about a month ago, she started meeting me at my locker before I walked to lunch, and I'd chat with for a few minutes. she has a hard time in social situations because sometimes she doesn't know how to maintain a "normal" conversation. it doesn't really bother me, but I'll admit that it can be frustrating sometimes because I feel bad if I can't follow her train of thought. anyways, she had asked me several times before school got out if I'd hang out with her over winter break. so I gave her my phone number and told her to just text me after christmas. sure enough, she texted me on December 26, and we made plans to get lunch. she asked if she could bring along one of her friends, another Autistic girl in Peer Buddies that I know, and I brought one of my friends too. I went to pick the girls up, and the first thing they started in on was bickering over who got to sit next to me in the front seat. they looked at me for an answer, like I was supposed to choose between them! so I told them that one could have it on the way there and the other on the way back. it was an interesting start to our little lunch date. so once we got inside, we each went to order separately. while one of the girls was ordering, she hesitated a little bit with each question that the cashier threw at her. it seems so easy for me to order my chicken sandwich, no onions, and lemonade. but for her, each question reqiured more careful thinking and planning. I was proud of her for doing it on her own, and she seemed satisfied too. what pissed me off was the man who had his arms folded across his chest, impatiently standing behind her. he looked so incredibly flustered, like he'd never heard anyone fumble over words before. it ticked me off. I'm glad she didn't seem to notice, but I wanted to look at him and say "HEY! haven't you ever struggled with something before? ya....I thought so. leave her alone!" but I couldn't. instead she just seemed like a disorganized, rude teenage girl to him. lunch went fairly smoothly, with the occasional lull in conversation here and there. it was actually really nice to talk to her one and one and focus on only her. it made it much easier for me to understand her thought process and care about what she had to say. she told me that a lot of times, girls in her grade unfriend her on facebook or block her on instragram. and she wanted me to tell her why they would do that. she looked at me with this innocence and said, "I liked this girl's pictures on her instagram and commented on a few, and then she told me I was creepy and she blocked me. I don't understand. don't people want 'likes'?" well....it took me a moment to process it and try to produce a reasonable explanation. but...she was right. people DO like "likes" and acknowledgement. but only from certain people. in her mind, she was only being friendly, but to an outsider, she was being a stalker. she told me how she doesn't know who her friends are because sometimes when she says hi to people in the hallway they say hi back, but other times they completely ignore her. I was hurting for this poor girl. could you imagine being a 16 year old high school girl with only one or two friends? even though she has Autism, she isn't physically disabled. she doesn't look any different than you or me. unless you talked to her for awhile, you might have no idea that she has special needs. you might just think that she really is creepy or weird or annoying. people just don't like to slow down and give people like her the time of day. even I'm guilty of ignoring her sometimes when I don't feel patient enough to understand her. but I am glad I listened. because she isn't dumb. she's still a teenage girl just like me, and she wants to be loved by her friends and family like I do. but instead she feels like an outsider and she doesn't understand why it has to be that way. sometimes I think it'd be easier for people like her to be visibly different. because then people would atleast somewhat understand that she had special needs. it sucks for people like her and for people like my cousin Nick, who's also Autistic. because someone might look at him and think, "hmmm....he looks like a nice, normal boy". then they'd talk to him, get confused at what he's saying, and ignore him. of course, not everyone shuts people out like that, but I just mean in general in high school. when we were at lunch, she told me that she always loves seeing all of the pictures of my friends and I on facebook and instagram. she said, "you must have a lot of friends". I honestly didn't know what to say. I guess I take my friends for granted. I do realize how lucky I am to have such awesome friends, but I don't really think twice about texting someone when I'm bored or need encourgement. and I don't really get super excited when someone likes my photo on instagram. and I don't really consider myself super lucky when I cuddle with my friends and watch a movie. that stuff seems normal to me. but to her, that is really special and awesome. and I hate that she may never experience that. I don't expect everyone to be her best friend, but I do wish that more people would realize how much a quick smile or hello could mean to someone like her. it doesn't make you "less cool" to like her instagram post or text her back every once in awhile. I'm learning to set aside my ego and listen to what more people have to say. it's pretty cool what you can learn when you just learn to slow down. tonight's song is "the scientist" by Coldplay.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles; coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science; science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

okay so I had a hard time deciding what song to choose because I almost chose "slow it down" by the lumineers. but I didn't wanna seem like a poser because I don't totally know that song yet. and I usually only blog about a song if I know it inside and out. but I might write about that one soon. who knows?! anyways....this coldplay song has been a favorite of mine for a long time. I used to sing along to it and I thought it was good, but I didn't start really loving it until I watched the music video. the whole video goes in reverse and shows what could've happened had things just been slowed down. in the video, he goes back to "the start" to sort through the mess that has just become his life. I really like the first few lines of the song, "You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you. Tell you I need you. Tell you I set you apart" I know I've said this before, but I'm a huge supporter of being very honest about your feelings and telling people in the moment exactly what you have to say. in the song, he is saying that he needs to find her to let her know that he loves her. and then clearly I also love the line "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard". I feel like this is just so applicable in life...to SO many situations and things. maybe just to life in general. no one tells you "life is going to be pretty hard...." atleast no one ever told me that. and I guess life really isn't that bad. but you don't hear people saying "Life is easy!" either. I live an easy life by most standards, but there are times when I think, damn this is hard. why didn't someone warn me?! and I completely wish I could go back to the start and figure out where the puzzle pieces fit and where I may have gone wrong. but sometimes you just run and run and run in circles and never actually get anywhere. and I'm not totally sure if this song relates to what I talked about earlier, but pretty much, I realized that this concept could apply to my friend more than I had ever thought. I'm sure she might think to herself: no one said that making friends and being in high school and socializing was easy, but no one warned me that it would be this hard. she is constantly "running around in circles". it doesn't seem very fair. so I don't know if this song has a clear solution to this madness, but I'm going to suggest that we all slow it down. listen to other people, build some confidence in yourself, spend time alone, be silent, and appreciate what you have. and also give people their time to shine. don't let life pass you by so fast that you forget to listen and appreciate others. my wonderful friend Bridget recently reminded me that "things" don't matter: people matter.

xoxo
anonymous blogger

PS happy new year! next blog will be about new years resolutions possibly? who knows?!?!

all you need is love, love. love is all you need

HEY!! MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS! (well sorta...it's like an hour past christmas but we can go along with it...) I am so happy to be blogging again. I know I always say this, but I really have been meaning to write. but I'm glad I waited because now I can talk all about Christmas along with the past few weeks. so there has unfortunately been quite a bit of crap thrown my way recently. however, there has also been an overwhelming amount of LOVE given to me. it's honestly been wonderful. so this post is all about LOVE everybody. el oh vee ee....love. love for my family, love for my friends, love for some cute boys, love for my neighbors, love for my puppy, love for my home, love for Jesus, love for those who need it most. just love. I just really love, LOVE. (I think maybe someone should count how many times that word love shows up in this post....I don't want to nor do I encourage it because I have no prize...I'm just curious) ok so anyways...the last few weeks have basically consisted of a lot of stressing about school and just being annoyed at having to be there. tests were piling up, and I adopted a sucky attitude about them. I was half ass studying (which is very unlike me) and I just felt mopey. then there was the shooting in Newtown. 26 beautiful lives were taken, and the nation went into a state of shock and remorse. I openly sobbed thinking about those who lost their lives, but also those who were affected but left behind. the families of the victims, the little children who were in the school and witnessed everything, any parents around the nation who are now afraid to send their child to school, a supposed safe haven. it was all a mess. then some crazy stuff when down with David. he pretty much lashed out at some people that I love, and I hated that I understood their pain and frustration but couldn't stop it. then he stopped speaking to me, and still isn't speaking to me. so all of that was just, for lack of a better word, shitty. because at this point, I am somewhat immune to what he says and does to me. it still hurts, but I understand it a lot more and can handle it. but to see him hurt other people and see them suffer just isn't okay. but again, I felt helpless because I couldn't just magically fix the situation. thankfully, these girls are so brave and smart and stood up for themselves before things could get even more out of hand. so you may be thinking to yourself...damn, this is a whole lot of crap. I thought that this blog was about love??? no need to worry!! because you are right; this post IS about love. so amongst all of this, some wonderful things also happened. I finally learned how to not be a coward, and I had a really great convo with someone I had been meaning to talk to for awhile. I listened to my own advice and realized that it was time to step up. and it paid off. I also realized that I have a pretty amazing support system. even though I was dealing with this stuff with David and it was bothering me, my friends were there to pick me up. it sounds dumb, but I really was amazed at the love that I witnessed. in the past few weeks, several people have reached out to me and have offered their love and support for me. even though I've known all along that I had my friends by my side, it's just kind of cool to have people actually come to you and hug you and say that they love you and will be there for you. I didn't even think that I needed that, but it turns out that I did. because once I recieved that love, I felt a whole lot better. speaking of love, I also had a precious christmas celebration with my girls. we decorated gingerbread houses, sang christmas songs, ate lots of candy, took pictures, drank hot cocoa, and just were happy. oh and we watched love actually. that's what gave me the idea to blog about love, actually. (LOL see what I did there?!) the movie is beautiful so I suggest you see it if you haven't yet! but pretty much, it follows a bunch of different love stories throughout the lives of very different people. it shows that love comes in all kinds of forms and everyone deserves it. oh and we made some beautiful snowflakes at lunch so that we could help create a winter wonderland for sandy hook elementary school. and people did that purely out of love. and with that, tonight's song is "All You Need Is Love" performed by John Lennon....here it is....


All You Need Is Love


Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's easy.

Nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It's easy.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.Love is all you need.
Nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

All you need is love (all together, now!)
All you need is love. (everybody!)
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need (love is all you need).

Yee-hai!
Oh yeah!
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.


so I could've chosen a million different songs for this post. there are just so many songs about love, and to be honest, I love them all. I had so many ideas. but for some reason, I kept coming back to this one. it is so simple, yet it's such a cool concept. "all you need is love". I wonder what to think about that saying. I almost wrote an entire college essay based on the prompt "All you need is love. True or false?" I read it and thought, "easy! true, of course! done." but when I tried to reason it out and write it down, I failed. over and over again. love comes in all forms, love can conquer all, love is like magic....all of these cliches kept popping up and eventually I just gave up. but because this is my blog and I could care less if this even makes sense or is creative or purposeful, I'm just going to address this because I can. so if you know me, which you should since you're reading this, then you really should be able to guess how I'd answer this question. I am usually an optimist, and like I said in the beginning of this blog, I really love, LOVE. but that's not the question. the question is whether it is all you need in life. I can make a list of a lot of other things that I need to survive besides love. a roof above my head, food, knowledge, etc. but the reason that I have all of this is because of the love that my parents have for me and my brother. I know that's a bit of a stretch, but it kind of is true. because my parents love us, they chose to raise us in a safe town that I have grown to love, they gave us shelter and food and clothing and all of the other necessities. however, I also know that sometimes even though parents love their children, they sinpy can't access these neccessities. and that's where this question gets to be tough. what if love isn't enough to keep you and your family alive? my hope is just that these people would have enough love to keep them satisfied so that if they did suffer, they would atleast have love from eachother to keep them strong. ok so this is kind of a jump, but I'd like to address a few more acts of love that I've witnessed recently. so last weekend I volunteered at a toy drive. going into it, I wasn't totally sure what I would be doing. when I got there, a sweet old lady showed me around in this emptied out store that was filled with tables of brand new kid's toys. she instructed me to grab a garbage bag and wait for the first person. I had no idea what was happening, then this mom came in and I was handed a sheet with two names on it. this woman had two kids, one 6 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. it finally made sense. as I walked her around the store and helped collect toys for her children, I could see her face just light up when she got to choose something that she knew her daughter would like. this same pattern continued for hours, as more and more people, all from around my town, came in to get their children christmas presents. the best was when we gave away a brand new pink and purple bike, complete with the streamers on the handle bars and a bell too! I remember how happy I was when I got my purple bike for my birthday. this mother was near tears as she told us how excited her daughter was going to be. another lady told me how her daughter had asked her why poorer families like her own don't get as many presents from santa. that broke my heart. but these parents still love their kids so much, and that was amazing. and basically I just had another wonderful christmas. my family has a lot of weird but awesome traditions, like our annual game of Sorry! where someone usually ends up crying (usually it's me....) BUT THIS YEAR NO TEARS WERE SHED! WOO! I just feel incredibly blessed to have so many people that love me so much. not everyone has that, and even though I do complain about them, my family is pretty great. I know that in David's case, he was lacking a bit of love, and that's made him very bitter. so I'll keep offering it to him as a friend and maybe one day he'll accept it again. it was weird that this was my first christmas in a few years without him, and I did miss him, but I am also really happy for new blessings this year with many more to come. so to answer that question, I'm gonna have to agree with Lennon on this one and argue that all you really do need is love. love love love.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

who called your name? I'm tired of running

ok so I just realized I only have 33 minutes of battery life left which means that I have to write this QUICK! which is unfortunate because I have a lot to say and I just had a very amazing weekend. I went on workcrew for young life at a camp over the weekend. as workcrew, we pretty much set up for every meal, bring all of the food out and run around like crazy people making sure that everyone has enough food, drinks, etc. we are just supposed to serve them and make sure that they have an amazing time. we also bus all of the dishes and clean up after everyone....which often meant a lot of nasty food pieces on my clothes and on my fingers....ick. then we would vacuum and wipe down every time 3 times. oh, and 2 people per meal had to wash dishes for the entire 2 hours....their hands were disgustingly pruny afterwards. you may be wondering how and why my weekend was possibly fun...the weird thing is, serving and doing that stuff actually was what made it so wonderful. we would blast tunes and make it a competition to make sure that everything was speedy but perfect. there were only about 12 of us plus kitchen staff serving over 500 people!! that is pure insanity. yet we somehow survived.....and every one of us loved it. the group that I was with was actually so random. we all knew each other from young life obviously, and some of the people were close friends going in, but I actually wasn't super close to anyone. but I think that is one of the reasons that it was so cool. I got to know some people that I had 100% judged much better, and I loved how we all were able to put aside the petty social group crap and just hang out together. on friday, we played a game where you picked a stick that had a random personal question on it and then you had to answer honestly. we went around the circle for an hour or so just talking. even doing that was crazy. some of the questions were as simple as "what do you like most about yourself?" and a lot of people had trouble answering. then on saturday, we woke up early to do a devotional, which pretty much is where our leader gives us some scripture to read and a sheet explaining some things. and then we just personally reflect on it, then talk as a group. and I really liked what we read. we talked about anxiety. it was actually so strange because it was one of my favorite verses thats Matthew 6:34 "therefore do not worry about tomorrow. for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own". I always think about this verse when I get worked up about stuff. (side note: but my sophomore year I struggled for a bit with anxiety and I went to therapy to help myself learn how to manage my stress in school and in other situations. and I LOVED the experience, but it didn't totally click with me until I heard this verse) I just like how it tells you to live one day at a time because if you are constanly waiting for the next checkpoint, then you are letting amazing days pass you by, and you are going to be miserable. one boy who I actually was best friends with in preschool came with us, and he hasn't done a ton with younglife. but he is such a sweet guy, and then funny thing is that even though I honestly haven't talked to him since I was 5, we were really close this weekend. it was like God wanted us to reconnect, and I loved that. anyways, he said that he worries a lot about things and that he is very insecure about how people may percieve him. and how he was really anxious to come do workcrew, but that when he read that verse, he was amazed at how it clicked with him right away. it just fit for his situation perfectly. and not surprisingly, every single person was able to put their own spin on it. I just liked how we were able to interpret something so simple into a bunch of different things and just get some comfort to start off our crazy day. and another thing that I really liked that I read was "Which of you by being anxos can add a single hour to the span of his life?" it's cool to think about because it really does seem so dumb to be such a tweak about things when I realize that it isn't helping AT ALL. I won't live an hour longer for panicking...if anything I will be worse off. ok so I am on a long tangent and this is bad cause I have so much more to say and I feel like I am not even making sense blahhhhhh. whatever. ok so then we served breakfast and in between breakfast and lunch we all probably h ad 2-3 cups of coffee...I don't even drink coffee at home but it is so necessary while at younglife. so that was amusing. then we played some quality rounds of catch phrase...I love the people that literally are speechless when it's their turn. everyones like, "SAY SOMETHING! SAY ANYTHING?!" classic. then we served lunch, and after lunch we got 4 hours to do whatever. so all of us hit up this super awesome, hipster coffee shop. and we just drank hot chocolate and coffee and ate candy (that only cost 75 cents btw...what a steal!) and played cards for hours. and we attracted friends from different schools (including this boy with the most gorgeous blue eyes and dark hair from Glenbard West that was a gem) so we all just enjoyed that and also played some volleyball (and my team kicked ass so that was a bonus) and then we played mafia of course and i was the mafia and killed errebody. teehee I am a sneaky one...oh and me and two girls went on this amazing gigantic swing thing and it was so much fun. k so then we served dinner, and after dinner, we got to go to YL club with the campers! at club, you sing songs and dance and play fun games, and then you hear some cool person talk about their life and Christ and how he has impacted them. so we sat in on the last club, which is where you get to hear about how Jesus died to save you and me. that is my favorite message to hear over and over again. the speaker had this giant cross that everyone had signed, and he had a mirror that people had written on. the mirror had all of the negative things that people saw in themselves when they looked in the mirror. then the speaker unexpectedly put the mirror on the floor and crushed it with the cross. it was SO SO SO awesome and empowering. so after we heard that, we got 10 minutes to oursleves...to be silent, reflect, sleep, do whatever. but it had to be completely silent. we walked outside and it was just lightly snowing....the kind of snow that is so beautiful that you want to sit outside and just let it fall. so that is exactly what I did. for 10 wonderful minutes, I heard nothing but the snow falling, and I prayed while looking at the stars and catching snowflakes on my tongue. and it was pretty magical. but the best part of the weekend by far was what came next. the work crew met back up and we talked about what the speaker told us about being forgiven. and then our leader gave us each paper to just reflect on. so we each just took time alone to write down whatever we wanted to. some people wrote letters to god or to themselves. some people talked about the weekend like a journal entry, and I just kind of jotted down anything that came int my head. I made one sheet to save, and we all wrote one that we would burn in the fireplace. so after I was done, I just looked around and I noticed that almost all of the guys were crying or on the verge of tears. and of course girls were crying too. but to see these big, tough guys crying just got to me. we weren't even speaking to eachother, but they felt comfortable enough to be emotionally exposed in front of us. when we came back together after writing, a lot of people opened up and weren't afraid to speak about their faith and what they wrote. I loved it. I know I have worked a lot on being as nonjudgmental as possible, but to be honest, I had judged a lot of these guys. seeing them crying was really weird, but really comforting too. one of the guys told us that he shouldn't even be alive right now, and he admitted that the only reason he's here is because of god. I never even knew that he was religious, but it turns out that he is a K love radio addict just like myself. one guy even had to put his bandana over his eyes to pray so that he wouldn't show himself crying. it was crazy. so then we burned our notes and felt pretty bad ass. anddddd then we had an all camp kick ass dance party and went loco! oh and we finished our little pow wow with a group hug. so that was lovely. and then today we did another devotional and we prayed one on one for people and I was with my old friend from preschool. and the two of us just reconnected and hugged and all was well. and then we served breakfast and cleaned up and headed home :( and that was pretty sad. but while we were cleaning up after breakfast today, an awesome song by this super cool christian singer named Andrew Ripp (shoutout to Jules cause she met him with me YUSSS) came on and I was so excited. Andrew sang at this same retreat last year when I was a camper and not only is he extremely talented, he is super cute and sweet too! oh and his music isn't overly religious at all. you can like it even if you don't believe in God. so in honor of him and the weekend I chose "You Will Find Me" by ma boy Andrew Ripp....

  You Will Find Me
When your souls weary
When you find doubt
When you can't hear me
Lay your troubles down

In your dark moments
When your hearts weak
Bring yourself broken
You will find me

Who wrote the rain
Who wrote the sun in
Who called your name
Where are you running
I'm gonna be there near or far
I'm gonna meet you where you are
Who wrote your name
Who wrote the sun in

When you come thirsty
When the wells dry
When your souls dirty
I am by your side

When your faiths broken
When you can't see
With my arms open
You will find me

Who wrote the rain
Who wrote the sun in
Who called your name 
Where are you running?
I'm gonna be there near or far
I'm gonna meet you where you are
Who wrote your name
Who wrote the sun in

You carried all my shame
When you called my name
I am not the same
Who wrote the rain
Who wrote the sun in
Who called your name?
I'm tired of running
I'm gonna be there near or far
I'm gonna meet you where you are
Who wrote your name
Who wrote the sun in

You will find me

so this is one of his more religious songs but I really love it. It basically says that when you are broken, you can turn to Christ and he can help you out. if you aren't religious, I think that it is saying that even though stuff completely sucks at times, someone will always be there to turn it around. even when you can't see or you have lost faith, you will find a savior. he says "I'm gonna be there near or far, Im gonna meet you where you are". even if you are lost or hurting, someone is going to find you, no matter how lost you feel. my favorite line in the song is "who wrote the rain, who wrote the sun in? Who called your name? I'm tired of running". don't be ashamed if you aren't okay...someone will find you and help you out. do NOT be ashamed. I just am so comforted by that. ok so I reallyyyyyy need to sleep. so I am going to finish out this blog by sharing some of what I scribbled down on that note that I saved. not all of the words and phrases make sense, but I think it is cool what I just came up with while I was processing everything.

-bringing different people together
-help me to not judge
-say hi to people
-how do I lead others?
-making amends
-help me find the beauty in all people and most importantly, SHOW THEM THEIR BEAUTY
-admit my failures
-its okay to not be okay
-he has a plan
-trust
-work hard in the name of Christ
-1 year left...why not befriend more people?
-why is there so much pain
-you aren't fooling anymore
-stop being a coward
-remember how he died for US and he would do it again
-pray
-be still and know I am
-gossip
-chin up kid
-oh you of little faith
-SPEAK UP
-hypocrit
-rekindle lost relationships
footprints
-be honest
-be there for my freshman girls
-be respecful of myself
-confidence
-it's okay to be anxious
-stop being so jeakous
-I wish you loved yourseld as much as I love you
-DO NOT WORRY
-show my freidns with warmth
-respect my family
-look for beauty
-blessed
-I am loveable, we are loveable
-there is hope
-lies
-stop what I want
-lead people to Christ
-no pressure
-it's okay to have secrets but don't hide them from Him
-meet new people
-remember that He allows us to start over

props if you actually made it through that entire rant of a blog...sorry if I disappointed anyone cause that was very religion oriented as well as random in terms of organization. then again, I just had a great weekend and I needed to share that and just reflect. I guess I will close by saying that I learned a lot this weekend and I am working on bettering myself as well as helping people see the beauty in themselves. so I hope you can notice that in me. I AM BLESSED.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was

HEYYYY! so this is a bit crazy considering it is a random Wednesday night and I AM BLOGGING. usually I only blog on weekends because sometimes a blog can take me upwards of an hour depending on what I'm writing about. which means that it takes me a solid 10 minutes to reread my blogs as well...I usually just skim them all cause I get overwhelmed by all of the words. I'm not even sure why you guys bother to read these....they are SO LONG! BUT I am hoping that you get something out of them possibly. I really wanted to blog last weekend but the house that I was babysitting at didn't have wifi!!! gahhhh so that was quite frustrating. so I guess I am kinda making up for that tonight. plus it is awesome to be able to do this on a school night because I just know I am going to feel so relaxed and at peace when I am done writing this. then I can sleeeeep. so last week I told another friend about my blog (which brings the grand total of possible viewers to 11 people!!) which also means that I have found 11 amazing people to love and be thankful for! of course there are other people that mean the world to me besides those 11, but if you do read this, just know that there's a very special place in my heart for you and I love you dearly. (as my freshman year english teacher would say) but anyways, I told my friend about this blog and I was interested to see what he thought of it. he is a very honest guy, and I didn't know if he'd be a little scared by what I've written. he only recently has warmed up to my craziness and has kinda learned how to handle me, accepting me for the good and bad that come along with being my friend. I know that most of you have seen my emotional side and pretty much understand that I am a person who confronts problems head on and is pretty open when I am hurting. but he hadn't totally seen that yet until recently. so pretty much, I was hesitant. but then he told me that after reading a few posts, he felt like he saw a more real side to me which made me happy. and after I didn't post this weekend, he said he was disappointed. I'm not sure why, but I found that to be pretty cool. so this post goes out to you bud! welcome to the fam of 11 who can see this. hurray! so tonight my beautiful, wise friend Paxton proposed an interesting question to Julie, Betsy, and I (as she does most nights). but tonight the question really resonated with me. she asked, "what word describes you during the course of this past year"? I couldn't really decide what I wanted to say. I just kept thinking about how I've changed a lot over the year, but then again, hasn't everyone? don't we always change? I'm not sure why, but this year I've just noticed the changes a lot more. not physical ones I mean, like emotional ones. I've matured a lot (atleast I pretend I have...my mom would beg to differ), I've grown in my faith, I've built stronger, more meaningful relationships and got rid of the ones that were useless or harmful, etc. I wasn't really sure how to sum that up with one word...but I decided on liberated. this year, I've been liberated. liberated by god, by my friends, by myself, and I've liked that feeling a lot. tonight's song is one of my favorites. it's called "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath...here it is....

"I'm Not Who I Was"

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wondered if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back againLike a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' its a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
That I never did forget your name
Hello...

Oooo Nah nah nah nah nah

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...

so this song is used for something called carboard testimonies for young life. it's pretty much where you write something honest and personal about yourself on one side of the carboard, then you write how God has changed/helped you with that struggle on the other. I've never done one personally, but I've seen a lot of amazing ones and have been able to see how God has worked in tons of lives. this song is one that usually plays while people unvail their testimonies. if I had to write one for myself it might be something like, "Drained by striving for perfection" and "Perfect in the eyes of God". I don't know...I made that up on the spot. but that's just an example. the point is really that we all change and it can be interesting to look at who we used to be. to me, this song represents my liberation. david has been saying to me recently how I've "changed". it was bugging me because I didn't want to admit that I had. I was hoping he was wrong, that I was still the same person that he had loved. but when I really stop to think about it, I HAVE changed. but change doesn't have to be a bad thing. I think I've changed in good ways too. sure, I might be a bit more stubborn or cold now, but at the same time, I've learned how to open myself up to so many new people, I've been adventurous, I've let my guard down, I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone, I've accepted some new people into my life, I've let some go, and above all, I've been liberated. I really did used to be mad at David, especially when he would claim that I was "different" now. in my eyes, it was like he saw me as some monster who just incapable of love now. but like the song says, "I used to be mad at you, A little on the hurt side too. But I'm not who I was. I found my way around to forgiving you some time ago. But I never got to tell you so..." I think this is really cool. sometimes when you take a step back and reevaluate situations, you are able to see how the true problem might just be that you have changed. it was hard for me to accept that, but once I did and I stopped blaming him, I was able to forgive and stop hurting. sure, I wish I could show him how I'm not who I was, but that I love who I have become, but that'll come in time. I also love the line that says, "I found us in a photograph. I saw me and I had to laugh. You know I'm not who I was". for my psych class, I had to bring in pictures of myself when I was younger. looking at the photos made me question who I used to be versus who I've become. I asked my parents all sorts of questions about if I was an "easy or diffcult" baby, if I ever was shy, how I acted with friends, what my favorite toy was, etc. I really really wanted to know if I was still the same girl. but looking at some of those pictures of me at age 3 was just strange. it didn't look like me. all I could do was laugh because had it not been for the big brown eyes staring back at me, I wouldn't have connected to that stranger in the picture. and I guess that just made me realize even more how we change a LOT over the course of our lives. you may be thinking, "no shit...obviously everyone changes. cool point bro." but I think that instead of dwelling on the fact that people have changed since their cute little diaper days, we should be thankful! I am lucky enough to be at an age where I can mold myself and be whatever version of myself I want. of course, my parents still have a huge amount of power over me, but I feel like at this age, I can really try to have a secure sense of who I am. that's what I am working on going forward. I am finally satisified (well, for the most part) with who I am, and even though I know that is bound to change, I will vow to embrace who I am in the present as much as I possibly can. because I LOVE that the person in the mirror is no longer a stranger to me. others may see me as "changed" for better or for worse, but I will just smile and know that even though I'm not who I once was, I am happy with who I am. so friends, to conclude tonight, I'd like to remind you all that even though you may feel like a mess somedays, or everyday, try to focus on who you are and who you'd like to become. God made us each specifically and He called us by name, meaning that you aren't going to be able to trade places with someone, as much as you might want to. but what I do urge you to do is to get a feel for who you are TODAY. don't worry so much about who you used to be, but instead try to embrace your current, 17 (or 16 or however old you are) year old self. we have so much more life to live, and things are going to change, but don't let the fear of changing stop you from experiencing life to the fullest. *gahhhh I am beating myself up over these cliches but oh well* so MORAL IS exactly what Brandon says in the song, "And the thing I find most amazing in amazing grace. Is the chance to give it out. Maybe that's what love is all about." try to help others see that their life is a gift and they should embrace who they are and learn to love their quirks. and even though sometimes I wish I could prove to others that I'm not who I was, it's not even important as long as I know who I currently am. and that's all I have for you, folks.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

p.s. this weekend I am going to be on work crew for YL (and I am estatic for it) but that also means I probably won't be able to blog. but I am hoping that maybe I can on Sunday because I know I will have lots to say after a fun filled weekend. ok goodnight my loves...thank you for reading all of that <3