I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

ello. so since we are on thanksgiving break, I have been wanting to blog since wednesday night. but I thought that I better just save it for tonight and therefore I could fully explain the entire break/long weekend. well it certainly has been an eventful break. I guess we can start with tuesday night. so after school, I was making a left hand turn and I got a ticket because the arrow was turning yellow instead of green....my bad. so the cop was all pissy and gave me $120 ticket. plus I have to go to traffic court, take an online course, and I am on probation. so if I get another ticket within a certain time frame, I could lose my license. so I mean that was a wonderful way to start break right?! I am surprised I didn't cry. I was more just pissed because I don't want to pay that. the reason that I spend countless hours with small children (besides the fact that I do love them) and don't always see people on the weekends is because I am making money from babysitting. and then $120 is just down the toilet. oh well, what can you do? just don't turn when the arrow is turning yellow okay?! don't. it puts so many people in danger according to the officer (BULLLLL SHIT) ok anyways that was way too long of a rant. so after that, I was feeling fairly shitty. however, God has blessed me with two angels that have recently become a large support system for me. we often find ourselves at TCBY, laughing and poking fun at eachother while also just being happy that we are together. the trio is kind of unlikely, and it's very cool to me that we have gotten so close. so the three of us took a trip to TCBY and after some yogurt and some love from my faux family I was feeling a little better. then I had a college interview at starbucks, which went well. except I ran into my spanish teacher/coach which was definitely interesting. and to finish the night, one of my friends that I miss dearly came over and we just talked and cuddled in my bed. I spend a lot of time with her during my track season, but when we aren't running, I don't always get to see her. but just being with her for an hour was enough to make me remember why I love her so much. her wit and sass and courage and compassion are just so visible...even from a short conversation. so that was actually such a lovely end to my day. then I had a 1/2 day on wednesday, and I actually enjoyed myself. I'm not sure how, but I guess since we didn't do anything in class, it was just nice to be with everyone and not stress at all. teachers were very chill and just let us socialize and just be blissful. it was nice for a change. then I went to Jill's house because her house just makes everything better. and we made pie and painted our nails and sang and I was very happy. later that night, I went to my cousin's saints day celebration at her house. I wasn't super pumped for it, but I ended up really liking it! honestly, I think I love my cousin a little bit more every time I am with her. of course her spunk and humor makes me smile, but it's gotten to be more than that. I just feel so lucky that we are related because I know she isn't going anywhere.  thanksgiving was pretty nice too...we got together with the same side of the family that we were with on wednesday night. so that was good and bad. it was a little overwhelming because I can only handle so much of my family. but then again I am VERY thankful to have them, even though they may be crazy. as corny as it sounds, I really really am blessed. not only do I have two parents that love eachother and me very much, but I also have amazing aunts and uncles and the best grandma in the world. not everyone is so lucky, and I can't take my family for granted. and of course, I really love my friends. I know I probably have expressed my love for them a lot, but I tried to make an effort on thanksgiving to reach out to the people that mean the most to me and just let them know that I really am thankful to have them. again, it sounds dumb, but I like to think that God puts people into your life with a purpose in mind. over the summer, I became closer with someone. at first, it was just nice to have him to talk to and his comments always made me laugh. but recently, I've found myself confiding in him a ton, and miraculously, he listens. I don't know why I chose him or if I should be telling him things or if I am crazy, but for some reason I just feel like I should. I just love how your relationships with people take crazy turns, for better or for worse. it was ironic because on thanksgiving morning, I woke up thinking that I would text David and let him know that despite the craziness, I still really care and am thankful that I have him in my life. however, I woke up with a text from him explaining why I am the immature one and how he was told that he was 'completely normal' while I need to change. reading that was a huge slap in the face. but instead of arguing or freaking out, I just was calm with him and told him exactly what I had planned to tell him...that I was thankful. and what do you know? he started being honest and apologized by admitting that he really is thankful for how I have tried to help him, even though it's been a little bit too much at times. for him, that's a huge step. it will take a long time for him to recover and start feeling "normal" again, but I am glad that he is on the right track. so on friday, I went downtown with Jacob, and it was awesome! he honestly lives in the middle of nowhere, so even taking the train for him was huge. it took him over an hour on the train just to get to the city. it was really sweet of him to go thru all of that trouble. but we did have a really fun time so that's good. we went ice skating and we ran around macy's like crazy kids and we got hot chocolate at the kris kringle mart and we just goofed around. oh and we took selfies in the reflection of the bean of course ;) It's not like I am expecting a relationship with him or anything, but it's been SO eye opening for me to see how some guys treat girls. not that David always treated me poorly, but he was just more introverted and sometimes could be a bit uptight. Jacob just made me laugh the entire time, whether I was laughing because he was trying to be funny or because I was just laughing AT him. he just has a childlike giddyness about him that I envy. I joked with him that he was a baby, only because he is younger than me and says things like he is a little kid. but honestly I think a lot of us would be much happier if we looked at things the way he does. he would just grab my hand and be like, "don't think so much! let's just walk!" while simultaneously putting money in the salvation army tins and wishing people a merry christmas. it just made me smile. and I needed that. BUT I am very lucky that my day didn't even end there! once jacob was safely on his train and I made it home, I saw my friend via that I had visited at Tulane because she is home for break. so we caught up a little and I just loved seeing her so ridiculously happy. she missed her school so much and wanted to go back already! then I spent the rest of the night just talking with three wonderful people in my friend's basement. it was very simple, yet exactly what I wanted. and today I got to catch up with a lot of college friends, and it makes me very happy to see that they are loving college and are doing well. I hope that next year when I'm home 1) my senior friends willl want to see me and 2) my friends and I will be loving school and will be happy. that's all I want. ok so tonight I watched a walk to remember with a bunch of my girlfriends. it sounds incredibly lame (and it is) but I loved it. I'll admit, the movie is so so so cheesy and ridiculous, but it somehow manages to make me cry everytime. when mandy moore sings "only hope", I openly weep. it is very embarassing, but it's true. however, I didn't choose that song. instead, I chose a song that played during the movie that made me think. and that song is "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot. here it is....

Dare You To Move

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

I've always really liked this song, but I guess I never realized how repetitive and seemingly simple these lyrics are. recently, I stumbled upon something that I wish I hadn't, and I found out something that I wasn't supposed to know. I'm not sure if that's ever happened to you, but it actually has happened to me several times. and when it's something serious, I get stuck in this weird spot because I don't know if I should pretend like I didn't see what I saw and just push it aside, or whether I should meddle and try to help. I usually end up meddling and trying to fix everything, but I feel like I usually leave things more broken than when I found them. it is annoying because I wish that I could just let people deal with themselves and trust that they will be able to sort it out on their own, but I always, always, always find myself in the middle of things. I can say over and over again that I'll stop meddling, but I don't know if that's going to happen anytime soon. because even though my meddling probably sucks and I'm sure I've annoyed atleast one of you by doing it, I like to think that maybe, just maybe, my constant annoyance will reep some kind of positive result. in the case of what I found yesterday, I of course jumped in instantly. and instead of it seeming like I wanted to help, it probably seemed like I was being a nosey bitch. the problem is just that I get incredibly nervous when people are suffering from depression and are hurting themselves. it doesn't really scare me anymore because I know that it effects a lot of people that I am close to, but that doesn't make it a whole lot easier. I know that depression and mental illnesses are sicknesses, just like cancer, but to me, that means that they should be treated. I still don't totally understand why I should ever sit back if someone is in pain, even if I don't know them particularly well. I'm not sure what I could do to help them, since sometimes the pain and hurt is far beyond what I could ever do to "fix" them. but if they're sick, then it would make sense for them to get treatment or some form of "medicine" wouldn't it? I am sorry for meddling, but I can't help it. as cliche and annoying as it may sound, I really do think that everyone deserves to be happy, and they definitely shouldn't be miserable and feel like they hate themselves to the extent of wanting to inflict pain. I know that a lot of it is out of their hands and is due to just being sick, but I think that if that was me, or that was my child, or my friend, I would want them to get help. especially if they couldn't speak up for themself. no one should have to swallow their pain and suffer. so I guess to relate this to the song, I'd say that I dare you to move. whether you are someone in pain or you know someone who is hurting, please do something about it. I know that people always tell me that sometimes people who are suffering from depression or self hatred feel like they aren't worth the concern or time or attention...but they are. it's crazy to think about, but we are all so interconnected that one person's pain is likely to affect way more people than just that one person. so by not speaking up, we are in turn hurting more people and ourselves too. the line that strikes me in this song is "Where can you run to escape from yourself?" I obviously don't know a ton about how it feels to loathe yourself, but you really can't ever escape yourself. you are in a sense "stuck" with who you are. but that's the way God intended it to be. it is easy for me to simply say this, but everyone was put on this planet with a purpose. God didn't want you to scrutinize every part of your body or panic about what others thought about you. this will sound dumb, but one of my favorite things to do when I feel self conscious about my appearance or my body is to read Seventeen's body peace treaty. in it, you pledge to respect yourself and your body because it is a temple. you do this by not harming it through undereating, cutting, ridiculing it, etc. so many people, especially girls, feel this extreme pressure to have perfect bodies, but no one has one. so quit picking on yourself and try to LOVE what you have and who you are. even if you have curvier thighs, maybe you have a super skinny waist that lets you flaunt sassy dresses? or I am sure people are jealous of your beautiful, big eyes, and do not notice if you have some extra belly fat. BE CONFIDENT. own what you have and stay HEALTHY. and if you are feeling miserable about yourself, all I would say to you is that I DARE YOU TO MOVE. pick yourself up off the floor and try. salvation is here. and if you're someone like me so often acts like a coward and is hesitant about meddling, try not to view it like its meddling. my friend told me that even though I might not think that what I say to those who are hurting is helping them, it might be, so why would I risk stopping? so I am sorry if it annoys you, but I will continue to meddle. to conclude, I want to also address these lines, "Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell". when I hear those, I just think about how each day is a new opportunity to start new and move forward. redemption can help you recover and grow and it is always an option. so, one more time, I dare you to move. 

xoxo
anonymous blogger

P.S. sorry for the sudden change of pace in this blog from start to finish. I just had a lot on my mind and wanted to get it all out. also I am sorry if my blog has turned in to some weird self help thing....it's not supposed to be but oh well. 

my own little world is what I deserve

hey! guess what's going on tonight....?! drum roll.....BABYSITTING! wooo! surprise surprise, I know.  I was actually supposed to babysit yesterday too, but then she canceled. I would've appreciated the extra dough, but I'm glad that I had a free night with my friends.  it actually was such a fabulous day. the was an interesting word choice (fabulous, that is) but I am okay with that because I think it does the day justice. so on Thursday night, after going bowling with my BFFLs in peer buddies, I made my way to my cousins house. she lives about 45 minutes away and she goes to a huge high school there. she's a sophomore, but she doesn't act like it. I'm sure I've written about her before but I will again incase you didn't read it back then. she is just super lively and outgoing and brave and confident and even though I am older thatn her, I think that I look up to her just as much as she looks up to me. she just rocks it and completely embraces herself and her body image and her spunk and charisma. gahh I could go on for days! basically she will make a wonderful maid of honor at my wedding and will give one hell of a speech. oh, and I can't wait for her to visit me in college....that is bound to be insane. anyways, my dad drove me to her house because my aunt was taking us to see the new twilight movie (aka breaking dawn: part dos) YA, so I am that girl that actually read the books and (gasp) did like them. I know what you're thinking; weird blogger girl would be the freak to obsess over twilight. however; I was never a die hard fan. I just enjoyed the books and watched the movies out of respec to the books. (as if the books would really care if I didn't see the crappy movies produced on their behalf) but regardless, I have seen all of the movies. last thanksgiving, my family went to Michigan over break, and while we were there, my aunt took my cousin and I to see breaking dawng: part uno. it started kinda as a joke, but the three of us kept sayin that we would go see part dos at midnight together the following year. I didn't exactly realize that we were being serious until my cousin called me up a few weeks ago and asked if she should buy us tickets. so of course I said yes! and that led us up to Thursday night. so we saw the movie, and yes, it was great. I'll admit, it was a bit cheesey at times, like when Bella soars through the sky with her new vampire capabilities, and when Edward is able to have a flashback of his a Bella's entire 4 year fucked up (excuse my language) weirdo relationship. BUT....there were also some thrilling moments; like when Taylor Lautner legitimately stripped down to his underwear. needless to say, I was screaming....loudly. fun fact: Taylor Lautner is seriously one of my male obsesssions....along with Channing of course! but that is kinda besides the point. so after the movie, my cousin and I went back to her house and we cuddled in her bed and stayed up late filling each other in on life and such. and I really loved what she had to say. she always says that I need to try new "crayons" from the 100 pack of crayons. when I dated David, she would say that I had that icky 4 pack of crayons that you get at shitty restaurants that no one even likes. she wanted me to just go wild and get a new, bigger box, full of new choices. of course, the metaphor here is that each crayon is a different guy that I need to date before I find the right one; 100 guys to be exact, according to her. so I was filling her in on David and Jacob and all that fun stuff when she just stops me and said, "hey, no matter what happens, I want you to know that I'm just proud of you for throwing away that shitty box and upgrading when you did". to other people, that may sound absolutely bonkers, and frankly it is. my family is a bit nuts....but still, I just loved that she was able to put it into perspective for me. she told me to just go for it with Jacob because hey, if it doesn't work out, then I don't even have to see him! so I am gonna go for it. I've decided that I am done making up excuses for why I don't like him. honestly, I am just afraid of failure again so I am pushing him away. but there's no need to! it is so fun to meet new people and have new experiences. so if it doesn't work out, then who cares?! atleast I can say that I tried right? ok so after those lovely heart to hearts, we slept in late, and then we watched Easy A (Emma freaking Stone is a firecracker...no ginger pun intended....and I love her!!) and then my wonderful grandma picked both of us out and took us out for brunch. yummmmmy foooood. then we go pedicures and we convinced my grandma to get a sassy sparkly accent finger nail! the entire salon loved my grams by the time we left. that's how it always is with her....she makes so many friends. I hope I can do that when I get to be her age! its amazing! so then we got fro yo and she confessed that the first time she came, she accidentally got a $10 yogurt creation cause she was a rookie. hahaha I loved that story. then she filled us in on our mother's dating horror stories! I couldn't believe that she even remembered their names and stuff. she goes, "oh Anne, your mom dated that Rick boy. he was just HORRIBLE!" typical grams....she just made us so happy. we couldn't stop smiling and laughing. oh and Anne drove my grandma's ancient car around since she needs hours to get her license. that was terrifying. but ya it was such a great ditch day. woo! so then at night I saw this amazing play at school and ran into a buncha awesome people. and the play was super interesting because it just opened your eyes to alot of the intolerance that takes place and the hate that still exists in our society.  after seeing that play and in honor of awareness week, I made a promise to myself to not say "that's so gay" or let other people say it....because it honestly makes zero sense and its just ridiculous. more than that, it just showed how much hatred people harbor. so I am going to try to not say that I "hate" a person anymore. it's not worth my time to go around "hating" people. seriously I just don't see the point. ok so another thing I realized this week is that 1) I strongly dislike (I ironically almost wrote hate) sharing my close friends and 2) things often revolve around me and my problems in my mind and that probably shouldn't happen....if only I could keep my mouth shut tight....well, here is Center of Attention by Guster....

"Center Of Attention"

One of us won't last the night, between you and me it's no surprise
There's two of us, both can't be right
Neither will move till it's over

I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight
My own little world is what I deserve
Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball
I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's fine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

All by myself, I'm so much better on my own
And way out there, it is the same old place that it always has been
I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight..tight...tight

My own little world is what I deserve
Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball
I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's fine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

One of us won't last the night, between you and me it's no surprise
There's two of us, both can't be right
Neither will move till it's over

I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight
Yeah, no one will ever notice if I keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball
I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's mine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

this song is really cool....I can't believe I just chose the word "cool" to describe it but whatever. I wish that I could take credit for discovering this song, but unfortunately I cannot. my brother's girlfriend made him all of these awesome CDs and I recently discovered this song while flipping through the CDs in the car. I really like the line, "My own little world, is what I deserve". I just find it kind of amusing because when I hear this song, I think of it being sung sarcastically, as if it is making fun of the fact that I think I deserve my "own little world". even though I claim to care so much about other people, ultimately, my decisions are about ME. don't get me wrong, I definitely care about my friends and family and stuff, but I would be lying if I said that all of my actions were focused around what would ultimately be best for them. it sucks, but even as I sit here right now writing this, I'm not really doing it for the benefit of anyone but myself. and that sucks to admit. if I disected my every action today, it would somehow come back to having benefitted ME. this morning I volunteered, and sure, I helped people, but I did it so that I'd get NHS hours, which are for my benefit. and I was thinking about how I personally enjoyed myself...not once did I stop to think about that old man that was lifting trees too and wonder what his motivation was. babysitting...it was for MY money. visiting my friend that's sick...I mean I suppose that kind of was for her benefit, but it made ME happy to see her and that's what I thought about. so when I hear this song, I can't help but laugh, and shudder because it helps me poke fun at my own vanity. even when I try so hard not to be selfish, it is nearly impossible. we are always thinking about ourselves, whether we want to or not. I am the freaking "center of attention". I think that we all kind of do live in our own "little worlds" in which we are the kings...only we exist and everything is our own. in the song he says, "By myself, I am so much better on my own". even though I love being with people and would never say that I am better off by myself, I think that maybe I wouldn't be as vain if I didn't have other people around me. I know that probably makes no sense, but bear with me. my "bubble" wouldn't be able to burst without the influence of other people, and there would be no competing to get attention, and there wouldn't be a difference between thinking about others and thinking about myself. so the song mentions how no one would notice their selfish struggle if they just shut their mouths. honestly, they are preaching to the flippin choir. I know I just talked about this recently, but I really do need to work on keeping quiet. I honestly have tried to tone it down and watch what I say, but sometimes I just feel like my reputation as a loud mouth will follow me forever. it is frustrating because even though I talk loudly and clearly am outspoken, I think that I am very trustworthy too. if someone tells me a secret, I can keep it. you might be surprised what kind of stuff I know that I haven't told anybody at all. yet, sometimes I feel as though people avoid telling me things because a) they think I'll blab or b) they don't trust me, or c) they think that I'll judge them or maybe even lucky choice d) all of the above. today I realized that sometimes people purposefully keep me out of the loop because they don't know how I'll handle things. it's as if I am some firecracker, ready to spew out anything that I hear. but it's not true. so I feel like if I could keep my mouth shut tight I wouldn't have as many issues with this. but like the song says, there's two of us, and both can't be right, neither will move till it's over. I guess I can be pretty stubborn as well and maybe people think I'm close minded? I don't know. another thing I learned: I am not a fan of sharing close friends. I have always been in a larger group of friends, so I wasn't really close to just one person. now that my group has gotten smaller, things are different. obviously I am very close with Julie, and I love claiming her as my "other half". but sometimes I just don't like sharing. in fact, I hate it. I know I shouldn't use that word but it's true. and I do not like that about myself whatsoever. it goes hand in hand with that stupid jealously issue that resurfaces every once in awhile. I don't think I am that girl that freaks if her best friend spends time with another person, its just that no one wants to be that girl who loves someone who doesn't love them back. not that that's what my life is like cause it is not at all. I have a LOT of love from people, but I do question it a lot, which is unfortunate. andddd I wish that I didn't do it. so maybe I'd just be better off in my own little world....who knows? alright so moral of the blog would be 1) admit that you have a problem: and that problem is that you're selfish, just like me. we all are. and make an effort to change it. 2) don't "hate" anyone or any type of person....it is a huge waste of your time and 3) be secure in your friendships. if you are lucky enough to be loved and have love in your life, then don't second guess it. I beat myself up over it and it's no fun at all.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

P.S. one of my best friends who has a wonderful blog told me that she read my blog and it made her laugh. and it just made me very happy :)

give me grace to forgive them cause I feel like the one losing

hi! happy saturday/almost sunday! I couldn't really decide whether or not to blog tonight, but then I just thought why not?! because it usually makes me feel a lot better so that is what I am doing. however, there are a few different songs that are floating around in my head tonight, and I'm not sure which I'm gonna choose or what I am even trying to convey through this blog. but that's fine because I don't really write this for anyone but myself (that sounds bad but I am not trying to impress anybody by this) so I guess I can write total gibberish if I so choose! hafhoeuoafdkgfkadhfakjfhewoh....see? that was really funny. ok so I guess I should address my week/weekend so far. well it was definitely an eventful week, but I feel like most weeks are. except even though I felt like everyday was a new crazy adventure while it was taking place, when I think about it now, I can't even remember what really happened. I do know that I saw a brain disection which was awesome. psych is just a great class.....so I touched the brain too (with gloves of course) so I guess that was pretty cool. gahhhh it is actually annoying me that I can't even think about what I did this week. I guess that's good and bad. it goes to show that even when things seem crazy in the moment and I'm stressing, pretty soon I will forget all about it. and that can be sorta bad because that kinda defeats the purpose of everything I did over the week. if I can't even remember what happened then what the heck was I wasting my time on?! its weird how much easier it is to remember what I did on summer days versus school days. school just blends all together and is kinda like this weird mush. days get lumped into weeks, weeks into months, and months into school years.  no one says, "hey remember that one week of freshman year when....." instead people just talk about the entire year like it was just one big experience.  I have no idea where that tangent came from but oh well. however, I do of course know what I did this weekend. so that's good I guess! yesterday I babysat for a family because I was covering for my bffl abby. and I got to hang out with the cutest 4 year old girl. we did a craft and colored and danced to t swift of course! and so she was precious and made me smile. and then I went to a sleepover with my freshmen young life girls. ok so please feel free to laugh at me.....get it out of your system. yes, I had a sleepover with a bunch of freshmen girls. BUT, get ready for this...it was actually awesome! we watched the twilight series in honor of the new movie coming out next week (I'm going to the midnight premiere what what?! ya I have no life, I am aware) anyways, we watched some twilight, mostly just for Taylor Lautner to TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF! I scream everytime. I can't help it. ok so amongst the squealing and what not, we also just nommed on snacks and, shocker, had heart to hearts. if you know me at all (and you should if you read this blog...if not; please get out. I am scared) then you'll know how much I live for heart to hearts. I mean the name sounds so dumb, but pretty much I just enjoy being honest with people and hearing how they're doing. I love when I can get someone to open up. it makes me feel so great only because I really like talking to people when I am upset or have something on my mind. other people like to keep that tucked away, but I like to believe that secretly everyone sometimes just wants to vent. so I like to let people know they can always come to me. and no, it is not just because I thrive on drama or anything like that. It is just cool to see someone after they've opened up. gahhh I sound super annoying but whatever. I think that is why I am going into psychology...I just like listening. which is odd considering what a blabber mouth I am. (I've gotta remind myself to come back to that idea in a bit) regardless....the girls were all just sharing stuff about high school and it was super cool to see them just helping each other out and making me a proud mama. it is crazyyyy how nutty the freshmen class is though. I feel so bad for these girls. it is really really tough, and I was a freshman only 3 years ago! it is ridiculous how much things have changed. but I have so much confidence in my girls and I know that they'll make smart choices. one of my girls was telling us about how she is really worried about this girl who posts depressing statuses about how everyone hates her. so she made sure that this girl knew that she would always be there if she wanted to talk. at first the girl held back, but now they chat a lot and she even tells her if she feels like hurting herself so that she can get her help. I can't imagine having all of that on my shoulders at 14.....wow. when I asked her why she decided to get involved, she just answered like it made total sense, "well if I didn't step in, then who would?" ahhh it just made me so proud. while I have been complaining about all of this with David, here's a 14 year old who is reaching out to people she barely knows that are upset. I only wish I could be as brave and strong as her. ok so side note; I am gonna make a jump back to my reference to me being a loud mouth. well last week at school a club put on an anti bullying presentation, and it was all about how people can percieve you the wrong way without getting to know you. we are all guilty of it, whether its intentional or not. the people in the club wore shirts that said "Hi! My Name is (blank)" and then chose a word to describe themselves based on how they thought others might view them. it was crazy to see how many awesome people think that people percieve them as horrible things. my bff pax called herself a "try hard", even though the first thing that comes to mind when I think of her is compassionate, driven, loving, and so smart (not just in school but in LIFE) so it got me thinking about how I would label myself. Julie told me that I shouldn't bother thinking about it since the point is that we should ignore those labels anyways. but I was too curious. it is harder than it looks to pin point yourself from other's points of view. of course I have an opinion of myself, but it's weird to think about the first thing that other people would think about you. I am most insecure about my "obnoxiousness" or as I like to call it (thanks to Julie's wisdom) my "eagerness" or passion about life. but basically I just have a loud mouth and have a tendency to not shut up when I should. I have gotten better at admitting when I'm wrong and keeping quiet when Im not, but it is hard. and it sucks but that is just who I am. I am annoying and loud and stubborn at times. but, that's not what defines me or should define me. so that would suck if that's how people labeled me. I'd rather not just be the loud girl who cares too much about school. anyways....tonight's song was a last minute choice. it's called "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North. yes, it is another religious song. I would apologize but I love this song and like I said, this blog is selfishly for ME. so here it is....

"Losing"

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Oh, no!

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

[x2]
Oh, Father won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Yeah, I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losin'

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

ok so I think this song is really cool because he is basically asking for the strength to forgive someone because he realizes that even though he might be right, it is so much easier to apologize and move on. he actually wants God to forgive people who have hurt him only because he knows that they simply don't know that they're doing. even though it may feel good temporarily to know that you're "right", eventually, you start to feel like you're the one "losing" since you just don't get any satisfaction from it. it takes a really strong person to ask for forgiveness of someone else's behalf. I can't even imagine praying and saying "God, please just forgive them. they're just lost and need some help." I love when he says, "Lord it doesn't feel right, for me to turn a blind eye.  I guess it's not that much, when I think of what you've done." like my friend was saying earlier, she didn't want to turn a blind eye to that girl that she saw was in pain. even though she barely knew her, she knew she needed to help. I am sure that poor girl has messed up before, but like the song says, someone as strong as my friend could ask for forgiveness. even though I don't think that  forgiveness should always be granted, it sure does seem like those who forgive live easier. I have always been envious of people who can seem so calm and not hold grudges. I really am working on it, but sometimes it is just too difficult. but when I hear this song, I am reminded that I AM THE ONE LOSING when I hold this grudge. even though people sometimes do stupid things and treat you like crap or break your trust, we all have a choice to make. we can either turn a blind eye and harbor hate in our hearts. or we can ask for grace to forgive so that we don't have to feel like we are losing. the music video for this song is super cool too. the lyrics are shown across the screen like it's a texting conversation between two people. and it starts off by saying, "I can't believe what she said. I can't believe what he did". when I hear that and especially when I see it as fake text messages in the video, I can't help but think about how much time I waste gossiping about what people have done and said recently. while I could be thinking about why they would do that and how I could help them be forgiven. I also love when the song says, "Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart? We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought. But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground" I often find myself bickering with people, like my mom, about dumb things, and we will just go back and forth for what seems like forever until someone gives in. my pride won't let me "lay my weapon down" and just move on. hate just doesn't fix anything when you think about it. I adopted another new attitude towards david today. so I realized that I have a very clear choice to make. I can either go on arguing with him and being hateful and just holding up my weapons. OR I can recognize that I really am the one losing while I am still being prideful. he doesn't know what he's doing or saying, and I should honestly ask for the grace to forgive him for how he has hurt me. don't get me wrong, that will NOT be easy. but that's my next step. I am ready to lay my weapon on the ground, even if he doesn't, and I don't wanna be the one losing anymore. I want to forgive. today I texted him and just asked how he was doing and told him that I hoped he had a nice day. he didn't seem too excited about it, but I really did feel better. ignoring him didn't work, so I finally see that you shouldn't choose hate. it doesn't get you anywhere. it's kinda like the whole "label" thing too. even though it is probably so easy to just "read" someone's label quickly and move on, it is best to try to uncover the real person underneath all of the fake perceptions. even if someone is labeled a slut or bitch or druggie, that doesn't mean that there isn't more to them. this song reminds me that everybody has done things that they regret, and sometimes we do things without even knowing what we are doing to hurt ourselves or other people. and that's where other people need to step in and ask for some grace to forgive those who have hurt them. ok so I need sleep but I actually like where this blog has ended up. moral of this blog is 1) take some time out of your busy schedule to have some heart to hearts (or whatever you prefer to call them) and help someone open up 2) be strong enough to ask for the grace to forgive. even if someone hurt you badly, just try to atleast start getting on track to forgive them. it might not be now, or a few years from now, or even in this lifetime. but, harboring hate won't help anything. andddd 3) DO NOT label yourself or others. even though I am loud and probably obnoxious, I refuse to label myself as anything but me. let your name tag simply read, "Hi! My Name Is (insert your name here)" (except you actually should insert your name). alrighty...have a lovely week my friends!

peace and blessings

xoxo
anonymous blogger


PS I forgot to mention that my friend's little sister who was in the car crash is doing really really well! and I hung out with said friend tonight and we saw pitch perfect which was amazing! and I saw Jacob which was nice too. I wish I could figure out my feelings for him but oh well. ok goodnight loves! :)

so this is what you meant when you said that you were spent

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. so incredibly happy and blessed and feeling blissful. I know that I am a fairly positive person, or atleast I try to be one. but today just put a LOT of things in perspective and I am feeling very thankful for that. I am bummed because I haven't bologged in a solid month and that makes me sad. gahhhh I always say I am going to make time for blogging and then I fail epically! is that how you would spell that word? EPIC-ly....? regardless...I need to go to sleep because it is past 1am and I just started this post. which is bad. but I really do want to write it although I am not entirely sure where I am going with it. you know what is really sad? I have to reread my last post to see what the last thing I talked about was! IT'S BEEN SO LONG! actually I guess the last time I blogged was October 20 which wasn't that long ago...but it's still 13 days too long in my opinion! ok well since that post, plenty of things have happened. first, my rubberband trick with the whole David situation did not work. he sits across from me at the freaking lunch table so that causes some issues. however, I had such a wonderful breakthrough today. I finally told my mom the truth about how he has been treating me and what kind of stuff he's been saying. so she told me that she would handle it and that I shouldn't text him anymore. because anytime that I do I end up feeling like a mess. he needs real help; help that I can't give him. so I'm passing this along to the adults. which is a very very scary thing to do, but it's the right thing. I feel so ridiculously relieved. of course, I'll feel better once he gets better, but for now, atleast I know that it's not all on my shoulders. earlier this week, my mom and I actually got in a huge fight about how I never tell her anything and how I am always so rude to her at home. I felt terrible because I have been tuning her out lately. only because sometimes when I get home from school all I want to do is retreat and be alone and just focus on finishing all my crap so I can sleep. I spend all day at school trying to be social and smile and be kind, but when I get home, I just need to turn it all off and relax. but that is so unfair to my parents because they are the ones that really love me and I shouldn't shrug them off so easily. so then I told my mom I've just been under a lot of stress lately, and she said she understands and will always be there if I need to talk. and then today I just broke down and told her everything. so it was just crazy to me how it all worked out. just when you think that everything is shit, life somehow manages to get put back together. I never understand it, but I appreciate it, a lot. another crazy thing happened this weekened. my best friend's little sister was in a car accident along with 7 other sophomores at my school. their car rolled after they turned a corner too fast. thankfully they are all okay. my friend's sister is the most injured, but she is doing well. it was just such a wake up call for everyone. life is precious and can be taken away so easily. we need to cherish the moments we have and remember not to get careless. I couldn't help but think about if that had been me and if I hadn't made up with my mom...what if I was in that car and got really hurt or almost died? and my mom and I were fighting....? of course there was no reason for me to have been in that car but it still could have been anyone. I always hate that it takes something like this to pull people back in and make them realize how fragile our lives really are. but hopefully it did open some eyes. obviously people will be smarter while driving, but more than that, I would hope people would just take some more time every day to remind the people that they love how much they do love and care about them. I know I always tell myself I will do it, but I rarely do. hey! today is selfie sunday...no better way to spread some love than to send a beautiful selfie. if you are reading this right now and are near your parents or siblings, I dare you to just stop right now and go hug them. just do it. did you do it? if not, go do it now.











ok all of that space is simply to accomodate for the hugging time. I really hope you did it. I'm gonna hug my mom and dad and puppy tomorrow and tell them I love them. you should too. ok so I don't know what I am saying but the song is "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. It's kinda gaining popularity and I am sorry if you are already sick of it, but I enjoy it. I didn't really understand the lyrics but randomly today they just clicked with me. so here we are.....

"It's Time"

So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the topDon't look backTurning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

ok so this song is kinda complex. but I am ready to tackle it. starting with the first line. "So this is what you meant when you said that you were spent. And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit, right to the top." so when I hear that I just see somehow who finally has kind of hit a rock bottom, or just has hit a wall. they finally appreciate what it means to just be so completely done with something and the only direction they can go is up. when I hear these words, I can't help but think about how I was feeling with David. I just hit a wall, hard. and I finally started to appreciate what it meant to be spent. just DONE. then the song goes on to say that it is time to begin. so I like to see this as the fresh start. even though it is terrifying, sometimes after we hit that low, we just have to start all over. even though it is so comforting to fall back into our old ways, that won't get us anywhere. when I hear, "I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was", I think of somehow who gets that little ego boost from something that used to make them happy. in terms of my relationship, I still sort of get this weird sense of happiness when I talk to David and it is so easy to fall into the trap because I am just used to it. so when we talk, I feel myself getting a little bit bigger. but when I really think about it, I am still the same person, and I am never going to change who I am just to get this small ego boost. it just isn't worth it. so I come down from the faux high and remind myself that no matter what the circumstances, I am not changing who I am, for anyone. one of the most powerful parts of the song is where it says, "So this is where you fell, And I am left to sell. The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell, Right to the top." I just think about the line, "the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell". that is powerful. basically it is just saying that life throws you a ton of crap and ya, it sucks sometimes. it is hard to always admit it, but we often experience clouded hell. but thankfully it is going to work itself out. like the situation with my mom, it just took a few ups and downs until it got sorted out. it is definitely weird and annoying that it happens like that, but that is life. ok I am exhausted and making no sense at all and I am really mad at myself for sucking at blogging lately. but I just want to address one final line. sometimes breaking free from whatever is putting you on this temporary high and is giving you this false feeling of joy can be lonely. "This path never seemed so lonely". sorry to be a stupid cliche, but choosing a different path sucks sometimes, and you may have to brave it alone. but don't be afraid to do it. ok so I have no idea what the moral of this blog is and I think I confused myself even more about the meaning of the song BUT...1) life is precious. cherish it. hug your friends and family 2) be thankful for what you have 3) if you are in a rut...don't be afraid to get the hell out!!! 4) I didn't even mention this but tonight I babysat (shocker I know) and spent time with one of the wonderful girls that I was a counselor for at young life camp over the summer. and she is a freshman and wanted to talk to me about boy trouble. and so she babysat with me and we got to talk for a long time, and it just was amazing because even though my David situation sucked, I used my newly discovered wisdom to help her. so basically what I am saying is that all of the shitty stuff happens for some reason. and sometimes we won't even learn the reason, but we have to trust that some good can come out of it. OK GOODNIGHT IT IS REALLY LATE!

xoxo
anonymous blogger