so I just let go of what I know I don't know

HELLO MY LOVES! wowowowow I am actually so excited to finally be blogging again! seriously the past week hadbeen INSANE and all I wanted to do was sit down and write and let it all out. but I haven't had any time at all and I was lazy and tired and sad. but now I am overly joyed to be able to write all about what I have been up to and fill you all in on my craziness. I guess we can rewind to last weekend, specifically last saturday. I went to the jason mraz and christina perri concert. SO FLIPPIN FANTASTIC! christina is so beautiful and her voice is powerful and real. she was so good! listening her to belt jar of hearts just made me feel like she was singing directly to me and we all were singing along with her even though we clearly were awful. but it was just a lovely evening because then JASON CAME OUT! honestly he probably was the best musician that I have ever seen perform live. his spirit just filled up the concert hall and he was so funny and just a goof ball. yet his songs are amazing, and we all just jammed and sang (of course) and pretended to be super good. I am so lucky....first kelly and the fray, NOW christina and jason?! wow. also then they both came out and performed their new song called distance (if you haven't heard it yet...GO NOW ITS WONDERFUL!) but last saturday was also the night that I realized that I totally creeped out my guy friend. I had been texting him a lot and I was kinda hoping he would ask me to homecoming. it was just hard because David could just ask someone and then there was me, not having any power and ending up single. I promised myself (and my mom) that I would work on "flaunting it" and being more open minded to guys this year, and even though I worked like 5 "angles" as I like to call them (aka creeped on about 5 different guys), I ended up single and still hoping to mingle. and te I just felt bad cause I didn't mean to creep out my friend cause I don't like him like that at all. but I just really wanted a date for some reason, like it was a bad competition between david and I. so I just apologized to him and he tried to convince me that I didn't scare him and that it is totally fine. but I know that I have a tendency to get over excited (I like to call if excitment about life....pretty much it is creepy eagerness) and I am working on it, I really am. so this week I just left the poor child alone. so that was sorta a shitty start to the week, but then my friend felt bad and asked me if I would be interested in going to Homecoming with her cousin. at first I wasn't really sure, just because I have never even met him before, and I was kinda scared; like what if he was totally awkward or we just didn't hit it off or something?! I didn't wanna be stuck with the kid all night for my Senior Homecoming....I couldn't just be like, uhhh okay peace! so she agreed that I could meet him this weekend (tomorrow!!!) and then hopefully it will be less awkward. I still wasn't totally convinced, but then I found out that he is 6'3" and he is very cute. so that made it slightly less difficult to decide to go with him! so I am meeting my HC date for the first time tomorrow...hahaha! BUT I did text him every day this week and he is so nice via text. he even sends smileys! :) and I love smileys! so either he is gay or he's just very nice! :) let's hope its the second option. and he said he likes to dance....as long as he doesn't have to use poms! SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN! so now I am kinda nervous just because I hope I like him. that would suck if I didn't!! my friend promised me that he is really great. we will seeeee! ;) but basically I just decided to go for it because WHY NOT?! wooo! oh and I think it was mid week last week that I had a huge meltdown. I guess I just realized that David and I were growing apart, but at the same time I am not totally over him. I hadn't been able to admit that, and I was just upset because I realized I wouldn't have a date (even though I randomly do now?) and I felt like poop and I lost all of my confidence. but in times like those, all one needs is a quick phone call from Julie and then one feels SO MUCH BETTER! so ya that was lovely. she is a miracle workers. but then this week it was just hectic because of tests and quizzes and what not and David's behavior has been annoying the crap out of me, but I'm trying to ignore it. BUT I MADE IT! I MADE IT, I MADE IT! and now I get to blog!!! I think I learned some very valuable lessons this week too. but I can't share those quite yet....because I have more to write about! well one highlight of my week was going to Young Life club and bringing some new friends. I brought two girls that go to my other youth group. to be honest, these girls were so nervous and they didn't think that they would fit in. but after going and seeing how everyone is trying to be accepting and make fools of themselves, THEY LOVED IT! ahhhh it just made me so freaking happy. YL honestly just warms my heart and I loved letting others experience that joy and see that the stereotypical views of the group aren't neccessarily true. I really hope that the girls decide to come back and that more people come too! because you just never know what it really is like until you go. it's the same for anything in life. you can easily hear about something being beautiful or tasting delicious and feeling amazing; but you cannot truly appreciate it unless you experience it yourself. and sometimes that just requires a little help. I had to give the girls a little push, but I am so glad that I did. also what made this week crazyyyy was all of the poms practices that I had!!! pep rally is coming up in exactly a week (OMG THAT IS INSANE) and so we had to finish learning it and everything this week. even though I love how sassy it is, I am in the back corner of the dance and it makes me so sad. I hate that even though I am a senior, I am stuck in the back with the younger people. I'm not the best technical dancer of the team, but I work so hard and wish that I could be seen!!! the only time that I am not hidden is during the senior section, so I AM GOING OUL ON THAT PART! seniors! seniors!!!! and I know that sounds so selfish and bratty and stupid but I am just being honest I guess.  I am somewhat over it now, but still. I am hoping I can be seen more during bball season. OH AND THIS WEEK WE VOTED FOR HC COURT! gosh so much went down this week it is very crazy! the voting was easy for about the first 8 or so and the last few people were harder. but I am very satisfied with my list and I acn't wait to see who made it! I am not expecting to get it at all, but if I did, that would be amazing! but I won't; and I'd rather see my super deserving friends on there than myself. if julie doen't make it I WILL protest. flip some serious shitttt. I guess we will just have to wait and seeeee! hopefully ince there is something to look forward to next week (pep rally and HOMECOMING!!), the week will actually be fun (even though we have such rando dress days....) ok so then I had 3 tests yesterday that went pretty well, and today I just kinda had a chill day in school. but later I got to celebrate my wonderful bestie Abby's birthday!! we surprised her and it was so adorable! then we went to the football game and BEAT LT! HECK YA! our student section was awesome because when we scored, we threw baby powder into the air. it was gross kinda, but it was very effective! (thanks glenbard! we stole it from you!) and then I almost forgot! earlier in the week I made a truce with a guy from YL that I had also creeped on and we decided to start over as best friends and I love him and I am very happy with that! ok so then tonight I also got to se Rob!!!! wooo! I hadn't seen him since july. that's too long without him! haha he just makes me smile. nothing tops getting a hug from Rob! and then my friend and I went to DiNicos to catch up and THAT WAS YUM! oh and I got to talk to my friend that I thought that I scared away, and he seemed totally normal at the game. and I found out that the reason he didn't ask me was because he really wanted to ask my good friend (and he did ask her!) :) and I also probably do scare him...I still am not totally convinced that I don't freak him out. but I am glad that I got to talk to him, regardless since we didn't text at all and I barely see him in school. and he is just great. ok well even though there were some sucky parts of the week, something that I learned was that we really should just "Live in the Moment"....atleast that might be what Jason would do.....

Living In the Moment

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free

I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me

So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I only do this by
Living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind

I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment

I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done
I let my past go past
And now I'm having more fun
I'm letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone
And if I fall asleep
I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me

To live in the moment
To keep living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
I spun around and hurt no more

By living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I'm living in the moment
I'm living my lifeJust taking it easy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
I got peace in my soul
Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment


okay so I learned this week especially that even though life throws some crazy shit our way, we have to take it in stride. why in the world should I waste my time worrying about things that might not even effect me? my amazing friend told me last week that we all spend too much time burning bridges that were never even meant to be crossed. to me, this just means that sometimes we waste our time either fixing or breaking connections with people or obsessing over pointless things, even though we probably could've lived without bothering to mess with it. why do we always feel a need to meddle or to fix things or to restore a "normal" order? sometimes it is helpful to just find a simple peace and live in the moment. when my friend asked me if I wanted to go with her cousin to HC, I started to instantly worry all about what everyone else would be saying about me, and then I stopped myself. if I am happy and I feel good about myself, then I shouldn't need the approval of everyone else. sure, it is great to think about others and make sure they are satisfied by your actions, but we can't always spend our days living to please every person. that isn't possible. sometimes, you have to "trust your gut" and go for it! maybe it will come back to bite me and my date will end up being a crazyyyy but I've set my standards low so that he will have to surpass them! I am sure he is great though. but anyways....I have the power to control my actions and who I interact with. I don't have to live for anyone but myself. if people are hating on me because I am doing what I love, then screw them! even though school and other crap causes so much uneccessary stress, please don't forget to just set asie some time to think about YOURSELF and your place of peace. it is so easy to get caught up in the past, and it definitely won't disappear, but we all have to move on! just remember to live in the moment and try to let go of those thoughts that are holding you back! YOU CAN DO IT! remember: you are beautiful, you are perfect just the way that you were created, and you have the power to control everything that you do and believe. YOU CHOOSE! :)

<3 <3 <3
anoymous blogger

stranger than your sympathy

hi again! so today is Tuesday....one of my least favorite days of the week. I'm not sure why, but Tuesdays just rub me the wrong way (hypothetically speaking of course), and I usually just feel so drained on these days. but today was a little different. today, Tuesday didn't really feel like a "Tuesday", so to speak. I started off the day bright and early, at 5:28am because I had 6am poms practice. joy to the world for that...literally is such a struggle for me. but I dragged my sorry butt out of bed like I always do, and I made my way to practice. practice was just fine, nothing special or particularly interesting. but afterwards, I was just feeling sweaty and tired and sick and gross. so I changed into my clothes and caked on some makeup and finally took my hair out of my ponytail. randomly, the hair Gods were looking out for me and they blessed me with non-kinked hair!! this may not seem like much to some of you, but others understand how awful it is to have that damn kink from your ponytail in your hair...it's the worst. but needless to say, it wasn't there! so I attempted to do this weird french braid thing that I do now and I went on my way. well throughout the day, I just kept feeling this positive energy from everyone. people were complimenting my hair and said they liked my shirt, and even though I felt like crap, I guess it wasn't as noticeable as I had thought. at lunch, a girl from my adaptive PE class, Emily, sat at my lunch table because her friends ditched her. and she told me how she is a public speaker for her hospital and speaks about having cancer and what it means to her to have amazing support from the hospital. it broke my heart but it also made me wanna stand up and yell YOU GO GIRL! because she clearly is so proud of who she is and she does not let anyone bring her down. so that made me feel happy and I'm so glad she could sit with us. freshman in the senior section HOLLA! so then after school I went home and my wonderful love Abby texted me about going to younglife club and asked if I could go to the dinner before hand. I was unsure if I would be able to get all of my homework done in time so I said I'd get back to her. so I put on some jason mraz (IM GOING TO HIS CONCERT THIS SATURDAY OH MY GOSH!) and I cranked out ALL of my homework in 2 hours!!! and then I got to pick Abby up and go to dinner at the younglife house before club. honestly, I am my absolute happiest when I am at YL. the minute Abby and I walked in the house, people were greeting us, hugging us, offering us food (always a bonus!) and just making us feel like family. even people who I barely talk to at school were just genuinely happy. I caught up with my old leader while I was there and she gave me such good advice about breakups. she said she had had a similar experience to me and honestly what she was saying that she felt was exactly how I feel. it was the first time I heard someone say that they understood completely what I was going through. and she offered to always be there for me for anything; if I needed to talk, cry, whatever! and that was just super cool because even though I haven't seen her or talked to her in ages, she still was so happy and willing to support me. she told me that one day I will wake up and not be thinking about David and one day when someone mentions his name, a flood of emotions won't rush over me. and I will finally be at peace with it and myself. she told me to leave him alone and also remember that it is okay to miss him and to feel comfortable when I'm with him. because of course it would feel natural! I always feel guilty if I miss him or think about him, but she reminded me that it is normal and will go away eventually. so that was just so comforting. and then we went to the actual club, and tonight it was just for leaders. I saw some old friends and we all just came together to talk, worship, and get excited for an amazing year. I can't wait to drag some of my poor friends to club (they have no choice!) and just let them see what I see. tonight at club we kept reiterating that EVERYONE IS WELCOME! always. every single person. maybe it isn't the best fit for everyone, but we want to give people a chance. so if you are reading this and thinking you wanna come....talk to me! :) I would love to bring you and anyone else. ok so of course I would be missing a huge part of the day if I didn't acknowledge those affected by 9/11, since today is the 11th anniversary. I'm not going to lie, I don't feel like people made a big deal out of it this year than in years past. I heard that NYC didn't want people to be making a huge deal for some reason, but either way, it is always important to remember everyone affected. and I mean every single person; including those who lost their lives, those who helped out, families involved, and pretty much the entire nation, as we all became scarred.  we are all victims in a way, but I just needed to pray for them today and just pay my respects. ok so this is a sudden jump but yesterday was suicide awareness day, more commonly referred to as the day when people are supposed to write LOVE on their arms. I am going to admit that while I did participate in this day, I didn't feel like I got a ton out of it because we all did it for the wrong reasons. ok, not everyone did, but a lot of us forgot what the entire day was truly about. and I'm not sure if this song will be able to relate but it is stuck in my head and I am going to do my best to connect it....here is "Sympathy" by Goo Goo Dolls....

Sympathy

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I've been killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
It's all I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah

Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
And all these thoughts from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
And you can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
And you choke on the regrets yeah

Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah
Stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy

ok so now that I read over these lyrics again, I think this song is quite fitting to what I am going to say. first, I love this song. I just can listen to it on repeat and not get sick of it. I'm not sure why but it comforts me. but like I was saying, suicide awareness day isn't about writing LOVE on your arm in the artsiest way possible so that you can post it on instagram (guilty as charged) or tweet #suicideprevention (two strikes for me). sure, spreading the word can be so helpful, but it is about 1) remembering those who have taken their own lives and 2) helping others who might be in similar situations. it is about LISTENING to people who might feel like they aren't heard. it's about making that effort to find people who are hurting and comfort them. it's about not being afraid to confront a friend if you are worried about them. don't be a coward. when I hear, "And what I chase won't set me free. It's all I wanted. And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees", I think of someone who is seriously hurting and who is trying so hard to get away from the pain and the sadness and it truly is all they want. but they can't do it. not alone. they might be scared, or stuck, or simply unable to help themselves. I also think about this when I hear, "Before the dreams I wanted. And all the talk and all the lies. Were all the empty things disguised as me" because I can easily see someone who is bundling up their pain inside and not letting people see their true anxiety's and fear. they could feel totally empty and hurt and you might never know. and here is the trickiest part: not every person feels this way and not every person is hurting and not everyone needs to/wants to be helped. BUT I just think that you can't sit around and let someone spiral out of control. don't accuse anyone of anything, but if you have concerns, address those concerns with the person because if you care enough about them, then you have to be brave enough to do it. don't just give them your sympathy; give them all of your support and BE THERE. I once struggled for a long time to reach out to a friend who I saw as someone who was keeping their feelings from me. I was so scared that if I said something to them, they would retreat and not want to open up to me. but I finally decided that I had to speak up so that they knew that they could always come to me with anything. so I did, and I think that it worked. they still don't tell me much, and I'm sure there is a lot of hurt that I don't know about, as there is with anyone, but I feel so much more at peace knowing that I told them what I wanted to say and that they know that I will be there for them whenever, wherever, forever. so please, remember to look out for your friends. and if you did write love on your arm, really stop to think about what it means and how it applies to YOUR life. don't let someone feel empty and lost. fill them with your love and care. DON'T BE A COWARD! and I almost forgot to say that if you yourself ever feel like you are lost and hurt, please tell someone. anyone! I know it can be terrifying and maybe you feel like you just can't do it, but I like to think someone can always help people with any and every situation, no matter how hopeless/helpless someone is. if something is wrong, SPEAK UP PEOPLE!

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

be still and know I am

hola! so I'm not sure how long this post is gonna be becuase it is super late and I am sick and I am also tired, but I wanted to blog because I don't really get the chance to so I'm gonna do my best to stick it out! ok so today I woke up and I went to my cousin's house to watch the babies. they make me smile....a lot. and they were wearing matching outfits (which they rarely do) and we just frolicked at the park and played trains and it felt like a magical fall day. as much as I love summer, and as much as I am obsessed with spring, fall is just as wonderful. I can't get enough of the scents of fall and the smooth breeze and I love when the leaves turn different colors (actually the pigments are always there but they are just able to see it better when it's fall....#shitIlearninAPBio) hurray! but anyways....the weather was just great so when I got home, I did some homework and then I took a nap outside in the sunshine and it felt so so so nice. and I can literally never nap so the weather really must have been miraculous/I also am feeling sick. stupid cough. it's the worst but oh well! as long as I am better by homecoming so I can party it up woooo! ahhh that is scary! HC is coming really soon and I have zero plans. but I do have a gorgeous dress! so I need a dateeee for that.....? ;) ya I am still working on it. but then I went to babysit again because literally that is what I do best with my life. but that's okay because I acutally really enjoy babysitting. I know I've blogged about this before, but really, the innocence of kids just makes me incredibly happy and selfishly, I love that they think I am super cool and I am not super cool. or cool in anyway. but they think I am. and that's good enough for me! I swear my mom is right when she says I'm gonna end up with 10 kids! well not 10...but probably 4 or so. I just love kids, and I know that they do grow up and turn into, gasp, teenagers like myself, but I like to think that I'm not that bad and that I could put up with myself! wow that makes no sense but it does in my mind! ok so tonight when I babysat, we played hide and seek (a personal fav of mine, except for when I can't find the girl that I like to call monkey child because she climbs on top of everything and tonight I found her on the refridgerator)...but then we played some board games and we played this one where you look for certain pictures on this crowded board, sorta like Where's Waldo? but way harder. randomly I sucked at it and it hurt my head to try to find all of the pictures. so I lost. which was refreshing cause usually I beat the 7 year olds at the games. ya I know...I'm cool. and then we jumped into a lovely game of "Life". so I've played Life before, and I liked it when I was little. I mean who doesn't enjoy getting colorful money and taking the little tiny people and driving them around the bright colored board in the teeny cars.  oh and spinning the fun colored spinner of course!!! :) but then today, I actually realized the real rules and objectives of the game. I felt sick to my stomach as the 6 year old announced that he wanted the job that paid the most because to win the game, you have to get the most money! he said it so matter-of-factly....like it was so obvious. and these kids are wonderful kids with amazing morals and I am sure their parents didn't teach them that money could bring you happiness. yet they still were obsessed with passing the "pay day" spaces and collecting all of that stupid colorful money. it made me so sad. but then it got better because before the boys went to bed, Jack read me a story. I didn't even know he could read! but he can, and he was really good! he read my "I Can Read With My Eye's Shut" by the infamous Dr. Seuss. my first book was green eggs and ham so I have a personal attachment to seuss...as most people probably do. but anyways...in the story, seuss urges us to always have our eyes open because if we don't, then we will miss out on so many opportunities of life. I really loved that moral, and hearing it out of the boy's mouth made me smile. I felt like him reading that book made up for him playing that stupid game of Life. ok so tonight's song is one that I have been meaning to use for awhile just because I love it. it was a tough choice because I had another possible song but I just see this one as more fitting. it is "Be Still" by the Fray...who I saw last weekend and who I LOVE...here it is....

"Be Still"

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

so this song is incredibly simple, yet it is always running through my head and it has a great message. I just love how it tells you to slow down, be still, and just know that someone is always there for you. I just picture someone lonely being cradled by an incredible friend and just being comforted. the melody of this song is hauntingly beautiful too because it is simple, yet honest. like the song says, "If you forget the way to go, and lose where you came from, if no one is standing beside you, be still and know I am". just reading those words makes me feel so fulfilled. when I hear this song, I almost always think about Jesus standing beside me because when I am my lowest point and I'm just a mess, I remember to be still and know He's with me. and like the song says, He knows us all by name. but even for people who aren't religious, I like to think that everyone has that one person that can be their "go to guy/girl". someone that they can think of when they are at their wit's end. I don't think I am this person for anyone now, but I like to believe that one day I can be. whether it's my husband or my children or my best friend; I just want to be someone's rock. how amazing would it be to know that someone who was falling apart just calmed down, was still, and thought of you to fix themself? maybe that's selfish, heck it definitely is, but I'm just being honest. well I am so so so tired and I'm not quite sure what to say anymore, but I just want to say that you should live to be someone else's rock and that you should always remember that there is someone there to support you. and I will always be there for any of you too! be still, and know that I'm with you. that lyric just gives me chills. ok goodnight!!!!

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

I had the best day with you today

HI TEAM! what is up my brothers and sisters?! (I have a teacher that says that all the time and it cracks me up...he's hilarious. the joke probs isn't as effective when I say it but it's all good) anyways...I hope everybody had an awesome week! HAPPY FRIDAY! even though we didn't have school on Monday, I feel like the week lasted so much longer randomly which was kind of annoying. plus I got sick...sore throats and runny noses for the win! woo! nah but it wasn't all that bad. I did decently well on the few tests and quizzes I had and I was satisfied with that, and I actually made some progress in my friendship with this boy in my psych class that I'm crushin on! I am a ho basically because I am currently working four angles for possible Homecoming dates. yep...FOUR! who am I?! I guess I would just like to be asked because it would make me feel special and I know that sounds annoying because I've been asked every other year. but in my defense, it wasn't as special because I knew it was coming and it was by the same guy who I was dating. I mean don't get me wrong, I loved going to HC with David (except Sophomore year...that was bad) but I just think it would make me feel so confident to have a date this year. and I have my sassy long dress to rock! I can't let that go to waste!!! even if I just went with someone as a friend! basically the "angles" that I'm working (aka boys I'm creeping on...) are all becoming my friends so that makes me happy. wow I sound like a loser with no friends. cool. but no I do have friends! (are people without friends usually the ones claiming they do have friends...?) regardless...I haven't really gone out of my way in the past to make guy friends but this year I've been trying and succeeding I believe! plus it keeps me busy and distracted to pretend to have little crushes. no but I smoothly gave the tall, blonde boy in psych my number (via facebook chat of course), but I still felt very happy with myself. ya I'm cool, I'm aware. describing this all sounds so stupid and I am very embarrassed for myself. but like I said, it is a nice distraction, and I like to pretend that I have all of these crazy love triangles (or would it be a square...?) to deal with even though in reality, it is just me creeping on oblivious people. they probably don't even see it coming. but you know what, I am satisfied and happy so that's all that matters. ok so this week was fairly uneventful except for one incident with D man...meaning David for those of you who didn't catch that...so after the Toby Keith concert last Sunday, D man texted me and was like, "DUDEEEE MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!" and so I'm all, "dudeee....what?" so he goes, "I hooked up with that girl from DGN that I like" (who he happened to have met at another country concert....and who I fb stalked because I am a weirdo and ya I won't say anything else but anyways....) I responded and was just like, "oh wow...cool" and he kept raving about how it was the best night EVER and how he randomly now has all of this newly found confidence and blahblahblahblahblah oh my gosh it just went on and on and on and I was just sitting there feeling like shit. why did he have to tell me, his ex gf, about his hookup? it made me so sad, and I don't know why. I mean it's been FIVE MONTHS so both of us should just do what we want and move on with life...but it still made me mad. especially because he was so immature about it all. to make matters even worse, he was tweeting about it too. #soballzyDave #cool! so basically I just was incredibly fed up with him and was all GIRL POWER! BOYS ARE STUPIDDD WOO! and I probably was a large baby about the whole thing but I didn't even care. I even looked to my brother, who is in Italy studying abroad, for wisdom and advice because I missed him a lot and needed to hear him say I was right. hahaha I have problems. but anyways, the story gets better because a day later, he texts me and says, "soooo she rejected me hard so that should make you feel better..." and then I was like, "oh bummer! I'm sorry!" and then he looked to me for sympathy and I basically turned him down. I mean not really because I don't have the heart to do that. but I was not very warm and friendly. but I felt evil because I was secretly glad that it didn't work out for him. I am even embarrassed just writing this now because that is so so so mean of me but I can't help it! I know that I wouldn't want him to be mad at me for being with a guy, but it's somehow just different for him. I don't know. I wanna see what would happen if someone else asked me to HC....I wonder if he would be upset. he probs would act all annoying and immature about it. ok well this blog is not about him because I talk about him too much! sorry about that....so this week I showed my blog to another one of my good friends. we've become really close over the past year, and especially the past few months, and I know that I can trust her. it's funny because it took me a long time to figure out if she actually liked me or if she thought I was kinda crazy and annoying. but guess what?! she thinks I'm crazy but loves me for it. which clearly means she is best friend material! <3 so she started reading the blog and telling me how much she liked it. which meant a lot to me because I loved hearing how it inspired her. I try to say stuff that is meaningful on here but I usually feel like it comes out like blehhhhh. but I started to reread some of my old blogs and was happy to see how carefree I was during the summer. and I think I really could take some of my own advice! so she just made me so happy, and she finished reading ALL of the blogs in only 3 days!!! isn't that crazy?! haha but I am very happy to welcome her to the blog reading family! woo! :) so I have another small dilemma. Julie mentioned to me that for the advocate, they are doing an article about blogging and she wanted to know if she could interview me about why my blog is anonymous. I don't even know if she still needs me or not, but if I decided to do it, then I would have to tell my mom about my blog. I'm not really sure why I don't want my mom to know I blog, but I just have this feeling that she might want to read it or question it or my intentions. and I wouldn't feel comfortable with her reading all of this craziness. and I love to blog so I don't think it would be worth it. I tell my mom a lot of stuff, but at the same time, I feel like I hide so much from her too and I wish I didn't. I have such a hard time talking about serious things with her. like when she tried to give me "the talk" (well both talks...about my monthly gift and...gulp, S E X) I just covered my ears and said lalalalalalalala at the top of my lungs because I didn't want to listen. haha how sad is that?! I mean she literally tried to have the s e x talk with me like two months ago and I couuld hardly stand it. that's super embarrasing. I am almost 18 years old and I can't even talk to her about that stuff?! it's not even like she would be horrible about it all and be weird, but I just don't know why I can't do it. I refuse to tell her about boys or how I am feeling usually. sometimes I do when she asks but otherwise I just lie and say it's all fine. It took me forever to admit to her that David and I weren't doing so well as "friends" over the summer. just cause I was afraid of her questioning. and it really does make me mad because I know she wants to know and she would always be there to help me and I am so so so lucky to have a mom like her. and when I have a daughter (yes, I said when because I want a boy and a girl), I want her to be able to trust me too. and sure, it's good to keep some stuff to myself, but I am so jealous of those people who are literally besties with their moms. its sorta weird sometimes but I think that would be kind of cool. maybe when I get older I will be better about it. and not to be all dramatic, but next year I will leave for college and I want to be close with her this year before I go. I know she will miss me; she has to: I'm her baby girl! haha! ok this is such a weird rant. but it was just on my mind and I don't know if I had talked about mommas that much. but on the topic of mama bears....I chose the song "Best Day" by tay tay....here it is.....

The Best Day

I'm five years old, it's getting cold, I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop 'til I've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother, inside and out, he's better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
And Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

alright so I probably say this about every t swift song that I use for blogs, but if I was being totally honest, this is my favorite song. I just love how it is not about boys and it's about her mom. I think that is so precious. almost every time that I hear this song, it makes me tear up and I think about my own mom. even though she can be so crazy and freak out or embarrass me or be totally unreasonable, she has always been there for me, and I love her so much for that. she would instantly take my side and always puts me first. whereas my dad taught me to give to others and be caring, my mom taught me to be strong, stick up for myself, and love myself first. when I was younger, I didn't like this mentality. I wanted to make sure everyone else was okay along with me and I wanted to please people. and ya, I still do this a lot and try to make sure no one is upset with me, and I am happy with that! but I've learned that you can't love anyone else unless you love yourself. and when you get older, you have to stick up for yourself because there are people who will take advantage of you if you show your weakness. that's why I really like the saying, "chin up kid; they'd kill to see you fail". I guess to me it just means that you have to act confident, even if you aren't. because I think that by even pretending like you have confidence, you show others that you care about yourself and are suseptible to negavity from any haters. (haha I just said haters....) but to get back to mothers....today I would just like to emphasize the importance of loving your mama! I know that I am lucky to be close to my mom and to have a mom who is very reasonable and amazing. but even if your mother happens to be crazy and not show you as much love as she should, she still did carry you around for 9 months and she has a special connection to you. it sounds dumb, but I really do think that moms have a special connection with their kids because they were once so connected. like it says in the song "never grow up", you have to remember that "she's getting older too", and that she probably wants to know about you just as much as you want to connect with her. it sounds dumb, but don't forget to tell you moms (and dads!! and sibs too!) how much you love them. because you don't know how much time you have with them, and we get so caught up in ourselves and our stupid lives that we forget to do something as simple as say I love you! and I don't mean the monotonous, "goodnight, love you mom...." cause that doesn't count. actually tell your mom what she means to you, or if you can't do that, then write her a sweet note. and if you aren't on the best terms with your mom at the moment, that doesn't mean that you can't be! don't let that relationship slip away! tell her how you feel and work on bettering the relationship together. even though she is older, she is not perfect either. and as you get older, it's easier to see her flaws. but at the same time, you can understand her more too! this reminds me of the show Awkward. its such an amazing show! in the episode I was watching today, Jenna, the main character, had her mom break down in front of her and apologize for not being there for her. the thing that impacted me the most was when her mom said, "Jenna, I will always love you no matter what. but you do not have to love me back". that just seemed so awful to me. but Jenna decided to be there for her momma and take care of her. she crawled into her mom's bed and cuddled with her as her mom silently cried. for a sarcastic, awkward (no pun intended....) show, it was a deep moment. so it made me thankful for the momma I have! so the moral of this blog is....1) love your momma and love yourself! she made you and she does love you...even if she seems insane and 2) don't forget that even as you age, that doesn't mean that you can't be mommy's little girl anymore. I am sure it breaks her heart to see you get older too so don't shut her out!!! I love you mimi! (my nickname for mama) ok well love you all! <3 oh and sorry if you are a guy reading this....but you should be a mama's boy!!

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

hi hi hi!!! first, I am SO happy that I finally can blog again! wow...I have been quite busy over the past few weeks. and I know that really isn't an excuse because if anything, that should make me want to blog even more because I know that I have plenty to say. but it's alright because now I can tell you even more about everything that I've been up to. basically my pace of life has changed dramatically since school has started. I mean I was obviously expecting it...but damn it picked up FAST! like really fast!! the first day of school was nice...I got there late and got to see everyone's smiling faces again. and it was just fun to see who was in my classes and meet the teachers and all of that fun. but of course, I got a lot of homework. and it was only the first day!! but it was cool to be a senior and to just feel like a top dog. but to be honest, it still hasn't really set in. and it was bittersweet because even though I see some people a lot, I don't see other people at all. and I mean AT ALL. that makes me really sad because I just miss those faces. and it's crazy that we wouldn't even cross paths. and since it's not summer anymore, we can only really see people on Friday and Saturday nights, which really limits our time. plus I have stupid college apps and a lot of homework and a lot of awesome people to see! however, this blog isn't about complaining and sulking about all of the work that I have to do and yadda yadda yadda. in fact, I'd rather focus on the opposite. because while a lot of my friends have recently been claiming the matra, "IHE!" (I hate everything), I am choosing to focus on the positives. because of course things are stressful and I am not a fan of being incredibly busy, but I have found that for me, it is a lot easier to acknowledge how I am being blessed rather than freak out about other things. then again, don't think that I am locking away all of my stress cause I am not. I just can't do that and I don't recommend it. but anyways...let's rewind to August 22, 2012.  also known as, the first day of my senior year! so I was fairly satisfied with the people in my classes. a lot of people I expected and a few fresh faces too. but the funniest part was when I made my way from 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and kept seeing the same guy. by 10th I just looked at him and cracked up when we found out we were sitting by eachother. I HAVE 5 CLASSES WITH HIM! yes, five! that is a TON OF CLASSES but....I am totally okay with that because not only is he so nice and really smart, but he is also so so so cute! and I went to pre school with him! and I probably haven't even seen him since then....till now. hahaha! so I actually have been doing what my momma suggested and have been "flauting" it. I mean not really flaunting "it" but just kind of doing my thing and being nice and actually making an effort to talk to him. and I've even texted him a few times! :) so that's good. I don't really expect anything to happen, but it is nice to see him all day everyday. and then I also noticed this really cute, tall blonde boy in my psych class. and I'd never seen him before in the past three years....I don't know how I had missed him but I did. it was just weird how I could have just simply not seen him. but its all good cause we walked from class together and I now trying to see if I can be his friend! ;) and if it doesn't work out then oh well! I am kind of embarrassed with myself because I don't like that I craving all of this pointless attention, yet I still want it. I don't really know what I want. I don't know if I want a homecoming date, or a boyfriend, or just a friend, or someone else to talk to, or if I wanna make david jealous. I really don't know, but for now...I am just going for it. cause I probably have been way to sheltered. so I guess it'll just play out however it plays out. but anyways....so we had toga day the first Friday of school. it was a bit of a struggle trying to figure out how the heck to wear the toga, but once I got it, I was satisfied with how it looked. so then we all came to school in our togas and were all sassy and seniorish and it was enjoyable. and then we had out first poms game! and this year, the varsity poms got new uniforms....dresses. eek. I know it sounds horrible but it wasn't AS bad as I expected. so we performed and that went really well and it was honestly so amazing to see my classmates all dressed up showing their pride. except it was sad when the whole crowd disappeared after 3rd quarter...haha but atleast we won AND most people saw the pommerzzz perform. that's all that really counts right? no jk. well sorta. so then I don't really remember what I did that weekend (no, not because I was hammered) but I know that it was fun. and then the last week has felt like a lifetime. honestly I can't believe I've only been through one week of school...how is that possible?! but it was a good week. I had a lot of poms practice and a bunch of homework and craziness but that's what I kinda like about the school year. even though the summer is amazing and calm and just carefree, the school year gives me a sense of purpose. I can actually take pride in my school work and have a real schedule and do so many things in one day and talk to so many people. and I know it's weird, but I kind of enjoy being a nerd. I don't exactly find my identity in it, and I hope people can see me as more than just some girl who tries way too hard in school, but I mean it's not bad to be able to do well. I have no idea if it'll mean anything in a few years that I pulled off that A in precalc, but oh well. it brings me temporary joy.  and as long as it doesn't make me crazy and I'm not stressed, then I am satisfied. I know it's only been a week and a half, but so far I haven't really had any freakouts (knock on wood). but freakouts were a very regular and very real thing for me a few years ago, so I really am proud of myself for being able to control myself. I joke about it now, but it actually makes me so happy when I can just get my work done efficiently without going crazy and stressing. but anyways...I think it's time for a topic change. so on Friday, seniors dressed in red white and blue for 'murica pride day! GO MURICA! so I thought that people would go oull (hahaha remember oul? all out mannnn!) so I dressed in the most random shit I could find and looked so ridiculous! but it is all good because when else can you do stuff like that?! never. and I don't really know if people were joking when they said "looking good....", I don't really care because I had pride and it was fun. so then me and a few friends went to 6 flags with my awesome cousin Anne. she's a sophomore and she lives about a half hour away. and we are really close. so it was just an awesome time. the park was closed except for people with these special tickets so we got to run around like idiots and go on a billion rides and of course, we ate funnel cake. #fatgirlprobz....SO WORTH IT!! so then the weekend got even better when I got to go to see the fray and kelly clarkson last night! HOLY CRAP IT WAS AMAZING! I am obsessed with kelly. I saw kelly in 7th grade, and she was fantastic, but to see her again was just lovely. she is just as good live as she is on her record. so we just jammed on the lawn to kelly and thankfully it didn't rain even though it was incredibly muddy. so after you thought it couldn't get any better, the fray came out. and I LOVE the fray. so they sang a bunch of their classics and also a few random ones too. but then of course they played how to save a life and I was so happy because I love that song. I just closed my eyes and listened and lived and breathed it. and the same for "be still" because that song is so reassuring. it was awesome. the only bad part was that I got grounded when I got home because I got home at like 2:30am since my friend's sister wanted to go out afterwards and get drunk and then my friend had to drive us home. and I forgot to text my parents since my phone died. so that wasn't great....but the concert was so amazing so it's fine. wow. so I have been typing for what feels like forever so I'm going to break this up by putting in a song. I had to go wth my girl kelly of course and I decided to go old school with this one. so I chose "breakaway". I love it. here it is....

Breakaway

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window

Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes ‘til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging 'round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway
so this song has always been one of my favorites. when I took voice lessons back in the day (yes, I took voice lessons) my teacher thought I had a very mature voice and let me sing this song when I was like 11. of course I didn't totally understand the lyrics at the time, but I remember walking around and always singing this. the hardest part was memorizing the order of the "take a risk, take a chance, make a change" part. I don't think I say it right to this day. but the point is that this song has a special place in my heart. and I guess I just find it very fitting to my life. kelly is telling us all to embrace our failures, forget about our past, and just break away from all of the monotony of life. it is so easy to get sucked into the suckiness of it all, especially during the school year, and lose yourself in the schedules and stress. but kelly reminds us with this song to take that chance, make a change and do something spontaneous. don't be afraid to get away every once in awhile and do you thanggg! she wants us to get out of our comfort zones and push ourselves. it can be terrifying to just let go and live, but the song is saying that you have to do that if you ever want to be happy. in our town, everything seems so boring and expected. people live in webs of lies and we get stuck in a whirlpool of fake relationships and fake personalities and fake everything. people can just be so fake. so a lot of times, I can understand what kelly feels when she looks out her window and prays that she can break away. I know I've said this before, but I am excited to get away from all of this. I know that I am so lucky to live where I do and to have such loving, caring parents. and I know that it sounds horrible to say "oooo look at me I am a perfectly satisfied teenage girl living in the suburbs and I want to break away blah blah blah" BUT I will anyways. because as long as I have the opportunity to get away, then I am going to try to. so being the foolish teenage girl that I am, I am just going to urge you to explore, lighten up, feel free, and break away in every sense of the word. do as kelly does and this year, try to forget about what your society tells you to do and get OUT of that stupid whirlpool. cause I am seriously sick of going around in those circles of fakeness and it is time to get out. I don't know how I am going to do it quite yet, but I'll be sure to keep ya'll updated if I have any success! :)

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger