tell her that I miss our little talks

so I haven't blogged for a few days now....sorry I am lame. two nights ago I should've blogged, but I was super tired when I got home and I just wanted to go to sleep. but don't worry....I will fill you in on my life post my last blog so it'll be just like I had blogged every night. so two nights ago (Saturday night) I went to a family reunion party.  my grandma had been planning this party for months, so there was a LOT of preparation that went into it. she had so much yummy Serbian food, an open bar (margaritas OULLL), a bouncy house with a slide (yes!), a volleyball net, and all of these old pictures of our family that were so awesome. and the tables were all fancy and cute and everything coordinated and she was just so happy with how it all turned out. I don't really know my grandma's side of the family, and we don't all get together. so it was really special for her to see all of the distant cousins getting to know each other. It actually was great meeting all of the random cousins because its cool to have more family. family is just great. especially cause I won't see those people often, so I just kinda got to know them and was goofy and had a blast. and a lot of the cousins are around my age so that makes it even better! so me and my first cousin Anne, who is just so spunky and hilarious and sassy, just talked to just about everyone at the party and chatted a bunch. and I gave her a margarita...I'm a bad influence. and of course we ran around with the munchkins (aka the lil cuzzins) and followed them around the bouncy house. oh and I showed off my vball skillzzz of course. (its funny because I actually suck at volleyball....) oh and then my grandma hired me as the photographer for the day so I just walked around the whole tie taking pictures of people and sniping them too (which got weird) and just being as artsy as possible. and my grandma kept saying, "oooo take a picture of this!" and "oh, did you get a pic of 'so and so' yet?!?" my uncle was joking that I probably should've taken individual pics of each guest for my grams. I took over 200 pictures for her! and I think I'm gonna put a bunch of them in a shutterfly book so she can look back on it and be happy! :) my grams literally does SO much for me and my cousins, so I love when I can give her anything to reciprocate. even a simple card makes her cry and she will keep it and rave about how much she loves it and loves me. my grandpa died when I was only 6, so I really just have had her my whole life. and on my dad's side, his mom died when he was only 17, so I never knew her. and my grandpa (we called him Babbo) died when I was 11. so I knew him pretty well and loved him a lot, but I'm definitely closest to my grams (mom's mom). she always jokes that she wants to get things done before she kicks the bucket, and I yell at her because she's just too young and too awesome to even think like that. she still travels a lot and goes out with friends all the time and goes to concerts even! she just loves life and always lives it to the fullest in every way imaginable. she is so strong too. my grandpa has been gone for over 10 years, but she hasn't let it affect her. he was a double amputee, but she pushed him in his wheelchair everywhere they went, and the two of them were invincible. my grandpa even skiied!!! and she was so loyal to him. the story of how they met is so cute too. I know you probably don't care but you're readying my blog so you are choosing to read this junk! so....my grandpa and grandma used to go to this serbian summer camp (yaaaa they were super cool) and so my grandpa was kind of a trouble maker and he was flirty with my grams but she ignored him cause she was too much of a nerdy, goody two shoes for him. BUT gramps didn't give up! he started coming to my grandma's house and finally she agreed to go out with him. so he would come to her house and drive like 2 hours to get there, then he was charm her parents and grandma. so her grandma loved him and would say, "awww Sam, you can't drive home at this hour! stay the night!" and my grams was like, "really?!?!" hahaha so finally he got the best of her and she fell in love with him. and four months later, they got engaged! :) I think that's a funny story. he was very persistent! but it paid off! a little creepy but oh well! but anyways...this post isn't really about my grandma. but basically Saturday was a lovely night and I'm glad I got to be with my family. oh and my cousin and I read "The Giving Tree" and cried because my grams used to read that to us all the time and we love it. it's a great story...I suggest you read it. but anyways...moving on. yesterday, I did a whole lot of nothing. I did college apps all day long which was just dandy. but then at night, some of the greatest girls came to my house to sleepover! it started out a little rough because everyone was in a bad mood and was just sad and bummed and stressed and ahhhh I felt so bad!! so we tried to cheer everyone up, and I think it maybe worked a bit. we used these table topics cards and answered all of these deep questions which was pretty interesting! I enjoyed that! and we honestly just ate and talked for hours. so that was lovely. I wish we all would've been a bit happier, but hey, it's A okay to be sad sometimes! and atleast we had each other. something interesting came up last night...we started talking about death. some girls were saying that they would be okay with dying because once their dead, then they wouldn't care anymore since they would just be gone. but that just terrifies me. there is just so much more to experience!!! even my grandma, who is 80, still has so much more time. she needs to give her love to her family and spread her joy. and so do all of us! especially people that are young. I like to think that God has a plan and when people leave this world, there is more than just being nothing. it's so confusing to think that you could be living and breathing and thinking and loving and then just cease to be. that just can't be. plus we just have so much to live for. I wish I could be comforted by the idea of death, hoping that I would go to heaven. but for now, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. well tonight's song is called "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men...basically it's just been stuck in my head and the lyrics are fantastic. so here ya go...

                                                                     "Little Talks"

Hey! Hey! Hey!
I don't like walking around this old and empty house
So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear
 The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake
The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awake
It's the house telling you to close your eyes

Some days I can't even trust myself
It's killing me to see you this way

'Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Hey! Hey! Hey!
There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back
Well tell her that I miss our little talks
Soon it will be over and buried with our past
We used to play outside when we were young,
And full of life and full of love

Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right
Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I'm right
Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear

'Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Hey!
Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The screams all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

You're gone gone gone away
I watched you disappear
All that's left is a ghost of you
Now we're torn torn torn apart, there's nothing we can do
Just let me go we'll meet again soon
Now wait wait wait for me
Please hang around
I'll see you when I fall asleep

Hey!
Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The screams all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The screams all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

so this song is super cool, but again, it kind of confuses me. I wish I understood it more. I'll try my best to disect it a bit though. the ling that is most powerful to me is, "Well tell her that I miss our little talks". I guess this song just reminds me of someone who is incredibly lonely. the music just has this kind of sad tune that is this weird mix of gloom and cheer. that makes no sense unless you listen to it. I picture this guy who lost a friend, and he is haunted by her. all of the screams sound the same. his, hers, what he imagines in his head. but then he tries to be comforted, knowing that his and her body will be safe once they're gone. but he is confused and alone and doesn't know who to believe, and he used to confide in her, but now that he doesn't have her anymore, he is lost. the truth is varied and he is slowly slipping away. I picture him in this old, abandoned house, trying to connect with this ghost. a ghost of someone who he clearly cared a lot about. and he can't live without their little talks. man this sounds so dark and messed up but I don't care. I guess I'd just say that this song helps to remind me to reach out to those people that I don't talk to much anymore. you know, that one person that meant so much to you, but then slipped out of your life. maybe you aren't stuck in a creepy house by yourself, and maybe their is no ghost, but their is probably a little part of you that feels incomplete and doesn't know that to believe. so what I would say is 1) tell them that you miss those "little talks" 2) reach out to them and try to maybe rekindle a lost relationship. believe it or not, they may feel the same way. and if they don't, oh well. you might feel better about atleast trying. that's all for tonight. 

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger 

most nights, I don't know anymore...

hi hi hi! happy Friday! TGIF LOLZ. it's super weird actually because during the summer I feel like a Tuesday and a Friday just feel the same. and that's so awesome.....I wish it was like that all the time. but I guess Fridays are just extra special when we're in school. its easily my favorite day of the week because even though we have school, the whole day is just joyous and I never do homework on Fridays so that's great. I'm excited to actually hang out with more people this year too. because I have a few poms games on some Friday nights obviously, but for the past few years, I'd spend a lot of my off Fridays with David. and that was fun, but this year I'm excited to be with my friends!! alright so today was a good day! it was the first day in awhile that I didn't have to do silly college apps and lounge around being bored and what not. so I woke up early again and worked on my poms dance....it's coming along pretty well so far. I just want it to be super good so I hope it turns out super sassy and what not. I just said super two times in a row....oh well. ok so ya we did the poms dance. and then I got my sports physical....I go to the family practice place in my town, and even though the doctors are really nice, I feel like they don't know anything. they told me last year that I was 5'10" and then randomly this year I'm 5'9"....okay ya that makes so much sense? and then they like have you touch your toes so they can check your scoliosis and I jumped up and down 15 times, they got my heart rate, and I got a shot. and boom I am randomly healthy. okay works for me I guess.  so ya I did that and then we had a poms luncheon thing with mommas and daughters. so we all hung out and stuff which was nice and we ate some yummy food which makes me happy always :) So then I went shopping with my buddy Greta for stuff for toga day! isn't that crazy?! I'm gonna be a big bad senior, wearing a TOGA already!!! in a WEEK! that is crazyyyyy! but I'm so excited. so we went to hobby lobby and bought some sassy stuff for it. like some gold rope and a cool headband and it was lovely. then while we were there we ran into Julie! crazy right?! how did that happen?! so ya we followed Julie back to the school and helped her decorate the stuco board. and it took awhile because Julie is a bit of a perfectionist with that stuff so we made it look fantastic. then I went home and got my backyard ready because my baby Freshmen from wyldlife camp this year came over! I was their camp counselor, and I just love them so much. so all but one of them came over and we hung out in my backyard, made smores, chatted, listened to music, etc etc etc. and it was just lovely to see them because I miss them so much. it's crazy because they are only freshmen, but they just seem so much older! I feel like when I was their age, I was so immature and annoying and had no wisdom what so ever (not that I have much now...but I like to pretend that I do) one of my girls said tonight (when we were discussing boys and why we probably shouldn't judge them by their appearances), "I guess I just don't like to only think about how hot a guy is because you wouldn't want a boy to do that to you, you know? there's just a lot more than looks!" WOW WOW WOW! I was taken back by how smart that is. she said that like it was just so obvious. and the best part is that the girl who said it seriously is beautiful....like guys probably will just flock to her in high school. but I can tell that she won't give them the light of day if they aren't sweet. that makes me so proud. I just pray that they all are successful and keep being friends with each other and don't get caught up in dumb high school drama. but the best part of the night was when Julie just walked around to the back and was like, "ummm HEY GUYS!" I was so happy to see her! :) what a sweetheart! she just showed up and it was precious. so she hung out with us and just added a positive energy to the evening because she is obvi my fav. and I love that she just came. so then we drove everyone home (which I love....because the girls can't drive yet obviously...so it's a blast to drive them around and play obnoxious music and what not) so then Julie and I just drove home and she helped me clean up and we chatted and what not. I love her. it's just awesome how comfortable I am around her. which reminds me....the other day, we played this weird game where both people say, "1,2,3" and then say a random word. so for example we would say things like, "1,2,3 pizza!" while the other person might be like "dogs!" so Julie and I were playing it and on the 5th turn, we both go, "PINEAPPLE!" and then crack up cause we randomly said the same thing. it was hilarious. so clearly she is my other half. so tonight's so is slowly becoming more popular...it is "Some Nights" by FUN. Julie is loving it at the moment and we listened to it quite a few times today...so here it is...

                                                                    "Some Nights"

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore...
Oh woah, oh woah, oh woah oh oh
Oh woah, oh woah, oh woah oh oh

This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype - save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, but here they come again to jack my style

And that's alright; I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? mmm... mmm...

Well, Some nights, I wish that this all would end
Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win...

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know... (come on)

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?

No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on
Oh, come on. Oh, come on, OH COME ON!

Well, this is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home; Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call "love"
When I look into my nephew's eyes...
Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from...
Some terrible lies...ahhh...

Oh woah, oh woah, oh woah, oh oh
Oh woah, oh woah, oh woah, oh oh

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...

wow ok so I mainly chose this song because Julie kept singing it today and wanting to hear it, and it also has a very catchy beat. but I have never really taken a good luck at the lyrics. they are deep man! wow. I still think one of the best lines is just, "Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for o What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know anymore..." I am not sure what this song is about exactly because it seems to jump around quite a bit, but you wouldn't really be able to tell from just listening to the beat and the music that it actually is kind of sad. I don't like the idea that you don't know what you stand for. another powerful line is the one about not wanting to die alone. honestly, that is one of my biggest fears in life. I am scared that no one will ever love me and I will die alone, without children, without a husband. without anyone. I know its super unrealistic but who the fuck wants to die alone? that takes a lot of strength and independence to be a single woman all your life. I want kids so baldy (not yet obvi) but eventually, and I am so scared that I won't have any. my mom always says Ill end up with like ten kids....I wont dont worry, but still. and another thing in the song that I find interesting yet sad is that he sings about not knowing what he stands for on some nights. but then it changes to most nights....something seemingly small yet important. its like he suddenly realizes that he has no idea what he is doing with his life and just has to escape to make something of himself. and then there also seems to be some weird love interest mixed in possibly. I am sorry because I am probably ruining the meaning of this entire song but hey! that's why this is MY blog so I can do whatever the heck I want. maybe this song is also about war....that's what I originally thought. like he decided that his life didn't have much meaning so he joined the army so he could find purpose. then again, who is the ghost that he references in the beginning?! so many questions. maybe its the ghost of his past?! I don't know. I'll ask Julie....I bet she knows. anyways...I guess now when you hear this song you will have a LOT more to think about. maybe thats a good thing or maybe not...who knows?! I also like when he talks about how some nights we all could use some friends for a chnage. it is just incredibly true. because we all could use some love. well I just hope that we all find love one way or another some day and that we will find something to stand for. no one wants to die alone. 

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger 

P.S. someone also told me tonight that I changed their life. so ya that just made my day and nearly brought me to tears. I don't think that I could have changed their life because that seems crazy but if I did, then that's what I stand for. or at least what I live for. I live to see happiness and love and compassion through others. 

slow down, you crazy child

today was a lazyyyyy day. I got up earlyish (8:00am....early for me) and then I went to breakfast with three amazing girls named Julie, Bridget, and Lolo. and we enjoyed yummy skillets and chatted because Lolo is leaving for college in a week. wahhhhh so sad! It's gonna be super weird next year to be the oldest and to not see all of my graduated buddies roaming the halls. I miss them already even though most of them haven't even left yet. I know that college will be amazing for them (hopefully), and I am really happy for everyone, but I'm also scared to let them go. I know I will see them again, but it's terrifying because nothing will ever be the same as it was. that sounds so dumb, but it's true. I guess change is good, but it is also scary and weird and takes a while to adjust to. and I just don't know if I'm ready. yet again, I feel like I want to go to college too. like right now. but then again, it's gonna be so so so hard next year to leave all of my friends. I mean I like to think that I'm pretty good at making new friends and everything, but what if I don't? what if for a week I don't know anyone and I'm sad. actually I don't think that will happen but what if it happens to one of my friends that's going to school this year? or to my friends that aren't as obnoxious as me. ok anyways...that's why I need to take advantage of my senior year and live it up with my friends while I still can. and just give different people a chance because I don't want to miss out on getting to know anyone before it's too late. so hopefully I can actually do some fun stuff this year and just have an amazing senior year with some great people. I feel like people tell such crazy stories from high school, but I haven't done anything super crazy to make an obscene story out of. I've had a lot of fun, but I think this year I can just let go a little and be less cautious. it's like I'm extending my YOLO summer into a YOLO senior year. I like that idea....YOLO seniors!! I mean YOLO is a super annoying term and I hate when people actually say it, but the idea of it is pretty cool. I read an article about it in seventeen magazine (that sounds ridiculous but I love that magazine), and it was a whole article about how people decided to stop second guessing themselves and just do it. hey! just like Nike!! but actually...I live my life so cautiously and it can get annoying. I am sick of being known as the girl who is super organized and put together and seemingly boring. I'm not saying I'm gonna go crazy and party or anything, but I want people to see me as someone who isn't afraid to have fun and to just love life! :) I'm gonna make an effort to relax more this year too ad don't worry about stupid school problems. ya I want to get good grades and stuff, but I need a breather. I'm actually taking classes that are interesting this year and I want to enjoy them! you're only young once so I want to have fun in high school. so for tonight's song I chose "Vienna" by Billy Joel. I used to be obsessed with it. it's basically just about remembering not to grow up so fast and to just enjoy every day of life and stop trying to rush forward. here it is.....

Vienna

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you? 


I just love this song because the lyrics are beautiful and wonderful. basically, Billy is telling us to slow down every once and awhile and appreciate the smaller things in life. sometimes we need to let loose and remember than not every single little thing matters all the time. even though that test might seem like a life or death situation....it probably won't matter 20 years from now. and there are certain things that you can only do when you you're young. eventually, things will either be socially unacceptable or we will be physically unable to do them. so while we are able and young and not adults....then do some outrageous stuff so that you can have a great story to tell your kids. :) there are so many songs about what it's like to be 17 and how it's the best age to go wild. and now 17 is finally upon me...so I guess I have to YOLO it up. ick that annoys me just to write it...but again, I guess what I am saying is that you should expect a new, more open version of myself for my senior year. 1) I will be very open to meeting to people....I'm sick of judging 2) I'm gonna try to let loose a little this year and just remember that Vienna waits for me....I'm still so so so young (a decade is more than half of my life! that's CRAZY!) so I think I should embrace my youth! 

<3 <3 <3 
anonymous blogger 

we are never ever ever getting back together

hi. so today was a fairly simple day. I woke up and went for a run! yay!! Is it bad that I was actually really proud of myself? I hadn't gone for a run in over two weeks so I was super out of shape. but it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I kind of like just listening to music and running because you just have a lot of time to yourself. It's just me and my thoughts.  so after my run, I cam home and crashed on my couch. then I watched a little bit of TV and then started in on the wonderful joy of college apps. hurray. so I literally sat with my computer all day and applied to college. I can't wait to go college and I'm so ridiculously excited, but the whole application thing isn't all that great. but I am done with testing so that's good atleast! no more ACT for me! once all of my apps are done I will feel so much better. but of course after awhile I got super bored because it was just draining and I wish I could just tell a school, "soooo heyyyy I promise I'm a good student and I do a lot of cool extracurriculars and have a lot to offer to let me in!!" ok cool? cool. but unfortunately that doesn't really work so well. but anyways, I was on youtube listening to some tunes and then I randomly came across the movie "Cyber Bully" with Emily Osment. the entire thing was on youtube and was free so I decided to watch it. I had seen part of it before, but never the entire thing. so I started watching it and I figured that I would just watch like 20 minutes of it, get bored, and go back to the college apps. but once I started watching it, I got hooked! it's kinda embarrassing to admit because the acting sucks. BUT the message of the movie is actually super powerful.  it's basically about a girl (Emily...Lily from Hannah Montana) who gets bullied online and people make up a lot of nasty rumors about her and then people start ignoring her. and her friends start to be ashamed to be around her. and then some guy starts talking and flirting with her online but it turns out that he isn't real and it actually was just her best friend who made up the guy to mess with her cause she was jealous. and then Emily loses all of her friends and everyone keeps harrassing her and it is just horrible. and then Emily freaks out and has a meltdown and she shuts down and tries to commit suicide. it's just so so so sad because she just keeps screaming, "I want to die! I want to die!" and wathcing that, I just broke down and stared sobbing. I hate to admit that because the acting wasn't great, but seeing her so broken killed me. I know I've talked about this before, but it again reminded me of how easily someone's life can be cut short. and I thought about if this was one of my friends....and how I would never forgive myself if something happened to one of them and I didn't stop it. ugh I couldn't imagine experiencing so much pain. NO ONE just ever have to go through that. ever. I don't care if someone actually is a slut or is a bitch or is just super weird or whatever. they should never feel so awful about themselves that they want to end their own life. ok I won't go on and on about this again since I blogged about this before in "how to save a life". but basically the movie made me cry several times and I just wanted to go hug my friends and never let go of them because I wanna protect them from evil people and from pain. that sounds really stupid but that's just what I was feelin. ok so anyways....then I went to my first poms practice, and that was nice. but afterwards I went to David's house to hand with him for like an hour cause he's been bugging me to hang with him and talk to him for a long time. so I went and he was fine. he was niceish and it wasn't awkward or anything, but most of the time he just texted the girl he currently likes (who happens to be one of my good friends which is kinda weird) and other people and wouldn't tell me what they were talking about. so it was odd cause he kept saying before how he missed me and wanted to hear all about my trips etc etc etc but clearly he wasn't as interested as he had let on. so I was disappointed. but at the same time, I was strangely relieved because I'm glad that all of my feelings for him really are gone.  I still think he's stuck in the past and he doesn't really know what he wants. he misses me, yet he doesn't at the same time. when I talk to him, I just get more confused, but when I was with him tonight, I just didn't feel anything. I just felt like we were friends, and I kinda pitied him almost just because I could tell that he was just lost and probably hurting. so I am just gonna stick by him as a friend and help him as much as I can, but there is one thing that I now know for sure. (sorry if you saw this one coming...) but we are never ever ever getting back together. shoutout to my girl tay tay!!!

"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

I remember when we broke up the first time
Saying, "This is it, I've had enough," 'cause like
We hadn't seen each other in a month
When you said you needed space. What?
Then you come around again and say
"Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change
Trust me, remember how that lasted for a day"
I say, "I hate you, we break up," you call me, "I love you"

Oooh we called it off again last night
But oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you
We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

Like ever...

I'm really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for it screaming that I'm right
And you, would hide away and find your piece of mind
With some indie record that's much cooler than mine

Oooh, you called me up again tonight
But oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me (talk to me)
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together
I used to think that we were forever ever ever
And I used to say never say never
Huh, so he calls me up and he's like, "I still love you"
And I'm like, "I just, I mean this is exhausting, you know
We are never getting back together, like ever"

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

We are not getting back together,
We oh, not getting back together

You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

so mainly I chose this song because Taylor just released it and I am kinda obsessed with it and her. I've been playing it on repeat all day long. but also because it kinda relates to me. I just realized that David just flip flops his feelings so much and he tells me that he loves and misses me and I'm just like, "this is exhausting!!" so then I just think, we are never ever getting back together. he is a great guy and all, but I just can't handle the drama anymore. who needs that?! moral of the blog is simply that 1) your friends and life are precious so don't let them slip away and 2) boys can be so dramatic and draining so don't be afriad to admit that you don't want to be with someone, even if it is hard to let go. thanks T Swifty for always knowing what to say! LOVE HER!

oh and before I finish, I also wanted to say how amazing the people that I went on the camp courageous trip with are. I forgot to explain how much close I got with them by the end of the week. but at the end, we wrote each other letters, and even though it took hours, it was so so so worth it because I got such nice notes from people. but I was sorta mad at myself because there were people there that I had never really gotten to know or given a chance that really were awesome. so now I only have a year to spend with them because I wasted three of them being stupid and ignoring them. I also really liked getting to know Brian better because we spent the whole week together and it was awesome to see how he connected with our campers. he's just a really sweet guy so I hope we can be friends! but ya needless to say, the car ride home was much more lively than the one there. we were all belting out songs and singing enrique music and just loving life. alrighty well I'm done! :)

<3 <3 <3

anonymous blogger

hey I made it, I'm the world's greatest

hello blogger buddies! today I am gonna fill you in on my week at camp courageous today. camp courageous is often referred to as "the happiest place on earth". before going to camp, I didn't really believe that it was possible to experience so much pure joy. I was a counselor at a special needs camp last summer in Texas called Down Home Ranch and I loved it. it was so rewarding and I loved meeting all of the campers and everything, but camp courageous was even more inspiring. I went to the camp last year on my own because I wanted to, but camp courageous was a trip that was through the youth group that I'm involved in (not younglife but the other one). the trip was called a caravan. the people that went on it were all super sweet. a ton of amazing girls and only 3 guys....very very brave guys! on the car ride there, we were all sort of quiet. a few of my close friends went with me on the caravan, but besides that, I wasn't super duper close with the rest of the girls, even though I know that they're awesome. but anyways....the car ride was kinda quiet and sorta awks. we just listened to some music and talked a little. but besides that, we were just kept to ourselves. and I was exhausted because I was only home for like 12 hours after coming home from WV. so I kept passing out on Jill's lap. most of the girls that were on the trip with me had gone to camp courageous before too. but this was my very first time going. everyone was super excited and kept telling me how amazing it is and everything. and I totally believed them, but there was no way that they could've accurately described to me the week that I would have or the love that I would find or the tears that I would shed after seeing my campers leave. even now, I'm finding myself at a loss for words. shocking, I know. but it's just that it's so ridiculously hard to explain what I saw and experienced and learned. but I will try. so when we got to the camp, we all put our stuff down in the basement that we were staying in, and we got our group assignments. I was paired with this kid Brian. I didn't know him very well before the week, but I knew that he was a nice guy and that he LOVED camp a lot. I was happy to get to know him better, but I was also very nervous because I knew that I was gonna spend a ton of time with him and I didn't know if he would like me or whatever. I don't know what I'm trying to say.....haha but basically I was a little bit shaken. but then, to top it all off, I got assigned six 17 and 18 year old campers for my group. I had never worked with boys my age that have special needs. I was mostly comfortable with girls. but I decided to just suck it up because I knew that no mater what, the whole week was in God's hands, and he purposefully put me with these people so that we could learn from eachother. then we went to the main lodge and I got introduced to the two guy counselors that would be in my group. they were 22 year old college guys and were super chill. but again, more boys. oh boy! (literally) they gave Brian and I an overview of each of our campers and their disabilities and behavior so that we could be prepared. and then our campers started coming. the first camper that I met was named Nick Love. yes, his last name is actually love. how precious is that?! he was super quiet, and he has down syndrome. but I decided from day one that I would love to be his best buddy just because I wanted to challenge myself to connect with a camper that was harder to communicate with. Nicholas/Nick ended up being my best friend by the end of the week. each day I could just tell that he felt a little bit more comfortable with me. as the only girl of our group, it was easier for him to connect with me as a mother figure. he would rest his head on my shoulder occasionally, and one day, he ran up to me and just gave me a huge hug. it was so precious and I wished that he wouldn't let go, but then when he did, he just ran off and acted like nothing had happened. but sometimes, when he would get happy, his face would light up and he would have a huge smile, with his tongue sticking out between his teeth. it melted my heart. and when the song "life is a highway" would come on, he would start smiling and singing and it was just amazing. and even though he was super quiet, he would always volunteer to do all of the camp activities and was so incredibly fearless. at camp, there were a ton of ropes courses and such, and all of the campers were encouraged to try them. even campers in wheel chairs crossed wire bridges and climbed trees in harnesses. I couldn't believe it. I watched a boy with two fingers complete a high ropes course like it was nothing. and the entire week, I saw these campers do these things with smiles on their faces and positive attitudes. they would cheer everyone on too, which was awesome. they just wanted every single camper to be happy and would do anything to ensure that. well I also had a camper named Joey who had hugeeee glasses and never ever stopped talking. ever. even though it was often super tiring, it was also hilarious because he had this infectious giggle that kinda sounded like spongebobs laugh.  I tired to count how many times he laughed in a day, and I got to like 40 within an hour. so I gave up. but the point is, he just found everything hilarious and would always say, "you're cracking me up!!!" he made me feel so funny. he thought it was the best when I would say, "chicken noodle...SOUP!" in a funny voice. and then I had a camper named Tyler that loveddd to sing and every time that he passed the American flag, he would stop and belt the national anthem. every. single. time. and he was actually pretty good! and then there was logan....he was an old soul. he loved toys from the 1970s. and he loved cars. we made crazy hats one day and he built a car on it and wore the hat everywhere. he also really loved cats so he would meow a lot. it was comical. and then there was Ross the boss. he was a quiet guy, but he smiled so much and would give everyone friendly pats on the backs when they seemed sad. he was just so caring. oh and then we have Isiah. he just was amazing. he loved putting on all of the crazy costumes at camp, and one day he literally walked around wearing fuzzy pants with a tail and an afro. and when he would wake up in the morning, he would tell me that he was "wobbly" and I'd have to hold his hand a ton. and he was really affectionate too so he loved hugs and hand holding. Brian and I would each hold his hands, and sometimes, I'd have to hold his belt buckle loop or else his pants would just fall down to his ankles and he'd just say, "uh oh!" He never ever failed to make me smile. oh and another day he said, "I'm coo coo for cocoa puffs!" and then fell asleep. but by far the star of my week was a sweet boy that had downs named Kyle. Kyle never ever stopped smiling. if you made a goofy face at him, he'd copy you and make the same face back. he'd constantly give me hugs and wave at me. and when music would come on, he loved to slow dance with us and just make us feel so happy. the holy spirit truly shined through him and him alone. never have I seen someone who is so positive. not once did he get upset or worked up the entire week. he cared so much for others, and I am so blessed to have met him. when I sad, I just think about Kyle and his beautiful smile and joy. throughout the week, we did so many fun things like swimming, a slip n slide, arts and crafts, bike rides, ropes courses, zip lining, singing, dancing, basketball, frisbee, coloring, games, etc. so so so much fun and love and joy. of course, the whole week wasn't filled with smiles. there were times when campers would have tantrums and we would have to deal with it. but I learned a LOT of patience. I became totally tuned in to the needs of the campers for the week and ignored my own needs. but the funny thing is that they gave me so much more than I could ever have given them. the song that I chose that I think fits the entire week is "World's Greatest" by R Kelly. here it is.....


                                                             "The World's Greatest"

Yeah,Uhh...
Uhh...
Yeah..
It's the worlds greatest, Yo,
It's the worlds greatest, Come on,
Worlds Greatest, Ever

I am a mountain
I am a tall tree
Oh, I am a swift wind
Sweepin' the country
I am a river
Down in the valley
Oh, I am a vision
And I can see clearly
If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it mmm
I'm the worlds greatest

I am a giant
I am an eagle
I am a lion
Down in the jungle
I am a marchin' band
I am the people
I am a helpin' hand
And I am a hero
If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the worlds greatest

In the ring of life I'll reign love
(I will reign)
And the world will notice a king
(Oh Yeah)
When all is darkest, I'll shine a light
(Shine a light)
And use a success you'll find in me
(Me)

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

It's the greatest
Can you feel it
It's the greatest
Can you feel it

I saw the light
At the end of a tunnel
Believe in the pot of gold
At the end of the rainbow
And faith was right there
To pull me through, yeah
Used to be locked doors
Now I can just walk on through
Hey, uh, hey, hey, hey
It's the greatest
I'm that star up in the sky

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

ok so if you haven't heard this song, please listen to it ASAP. ya I know that it seems weird cause its by R Kelly but the lyrics are so fitting for camp courageous. each of the campers are extremely amazing and they all act like they're the world's greatest. they don't focus on the face that they have special needs or that they're disabled. while they're at camp, they are the definition of "normal" and camp is their world that we are trying to fit into. when they are at camp, they all have so much confidence and bravery. and even though they know that they aren't perfect, they don't let it bother them. because perfect is boring. so so boring. what I learned from camp is that God created us all in his image. and even though people think that is is easy to pity people that have special needs, we really shouldn't. God only gives the toughest people the things that they can handle. and these campers really are tough. they are God's gift to us, and by watching them, I realized that I need to love life and quit judging others. because who are we to say what the definition of "normal" is? only God can decide that. and I think that he doesn't care if you're in a wheel chair, or if you can't speak, or if you look a little bit different. he thinks that you are the world's greatest no matter what. and he loves you. ok that is all. also to finish this blog I'll write out the camp song because I love it. we are courageous, courageous are we. happy go lucky, carefree and brave. we are the tops, YES! we are the best, WOO! we are camp courageous, hurray! <3

<3 <3 <3

anonymous blogger

but I know the heart of life is good

HEY BETCHES! DID YOU MISS ME?! I really missed all of you! writing every night makes me feel so open and at peace. BUT don't you worry because I did write...every single night while I was away! as you may now, I was in West Virginia on a building trip through Habitat for Humanity. while I was there, I kept a journal, and each night I wrote a journal entry about everything that we did that day as well as my prayers and thoughts and just a bible verse that I related to that day. so tonight's blog entry will be solely dedicated to my WV trip.  the week after WV, I went to a wonderful place called Camp Courageous....but I will write an entirely separate post about camp tomorrow. but now it is time to west virginia....and from now on I think I'll just refer to it as WV because it is way easier to write and you get the point. anyways...I am on a random tangent because I just don't know where to start. I guess I'll begin by giving you a synopsis of the week and then add a little insight here and there where I feel like its necessary.  alright so going on this trip was nerve racking because I really only knew two of the girls really well that were going.  my bestest friends Bridget and Erin.  I was super excited to spend the week with them because I never see Erin anymore and Bridget just makes me so incredibly happy. but I didn't know what to expect. I never expected to love the other people that went with me on the trip as much as I did either. it was a totally random group of people that were gonna be juniors, seniors, and freshmen in college. I was so mad that I hadn't become friends with the graduated peeps while they were still in high school because a few of them were just awesome. one of the guys made me smile and laugh more than I had in soooo long. and to make it even better....his little brother was on the trip too. and his brother, Jack, is gonna be a junior so I can spend time with him still!!! Jack told me how he has never gone on a first date even though he is adorable and so so so funny. so I just asked him out so I will go on a date with him soon. yay for first dates! haha the only problem is that jack is teeny tiny and skinny and whatever. but its fine....atleast he's a friend. and his brother Tommy is now too. and besides them, I also became super close with Erin and Bridget too. talking ton Erin was awesome because I hadn't seen her in so long and she is usually super quiet, but she actually opened up to me while we were there, and we had some wonderful heart to hearts. life is literally just SO SIMPLE there. (wait I just realized that this is not a play by play of the week but more just random thoughts...oh well) but anyways....there is no pollution, no noise, no poison of any kind. the only poison that exists is the poverty. in the small town on Pendleton county, the nearest hospital, McDonalds, and grocery store are all AN HOUR away. ONE WHOLE HOUR! we are talking about a freaking McDonalds....I could get to like 4 of those in 10 minutes. and a hospital? wow. that is just crazy that you have to drive an hour if you get hurt or sick. one of the chaperones had to get stiches after an intense game of ultimate frisbee, and he had to make that long drive. we take so many things for granted....well atleast I do, and while I was in WV, I just realized how I am so foolish for taking something as simple as a Mickey D's for granted. I don't even like that place, but if I was truly craving a McFlurry, I could get there. but for a child living in WV, taking a trip to McDonalds is like a vacation. and I'm not saying that that's necessarily a bad thing....because the simplicity of life there was fantastic. the fact that we drove past huge meadows and fields with mountains and trees galore every single day made me feel at peace. but the fact that so many people live in shitty trailers without plumbing and sanitation is awful. and no one in the nation even knows or seems to care. when we were on the worksite, there were a lot of young children that lived nearby that would come to say hi and play around us. some of these kids were just so sheltered and new such a different reality than I did when I was young. they had such small vocabularys and they rode old, broken bikes on a dirt road to pass the time. one 6 year old girl didn't have a hand because of a working accident when she was younger. you simply don't see those things in my town. BUT the craziest thing is that these kids were happy. sincerely, truly, whole heartedly happy. and they wanted to give us SO much. they had so little to offer, but what they did have, they were so readily satisfied with giving it to us. the little girl constanly wanted to help us build, and she would follow us around, trying to grab our hand to hold or give us a hug. I found myself shuddering the first day as her stump of a hand reached for mine, but I stopped myself. this little girl was God's angel, teaching me to be nonjudgmental and caring. to her, we were blessings and were coming to save her and her family and her town. so I sucked it up and took her hand. and it felt amazing. another woman named Saprina also hung around the work site all week because two years ago, our school's Habitat built her and her family a house.  at the time, she had a husband and three beautiful children. but when we saw her this year, she was a single mom because her husband had recently left her. but you would never had known that because she wore a huge smile and would rave about how thankful she is to have met our habitiat group and how she will forever be grateful for what we built. her sweet little angels (children) ran around the site, and like the other girl, they just had so much fun. I found out later that week that the family used to live in New Hampshire by the ocean, but after Saprina's mom got diagnosed wtih cancer, they had to move to WV to take care of her and they lost everything. it just seemed so unfair to me. why did these smiley babies have to grow up in poverty? why? sure, it's awesome that we built them a house and that they're doing well, but it just made me realize how life takes so many unexpected turns, and my life is so ridiculously simple in comparison to so many more lives. and these people were just so gracious and you could tell that they thought that they were the truely foruntate ones.  they must think about thsoe who have even less than they do, and they pity them. but one of the most valuable lessons I learned was that you shouldn't pity those who are les forunate than you. instead, take action and HELP! if you do something, you can help out in a big way. I learned not to pity the people that I met in WV, but instead, I cherished them and praised them and asked God to protect them. but I'd be missing a huge chunk of the week if I didn't mention the largest part of the mission....Phyllis and Johnnie, the adorable couple that we built a house for. when we got to the worksite on day one, there was literally a foundation and nothing else. but Phyllis and Johnnie has so much faith in us. as we all held hands and circled around that foundation that day, we prayed for our safety for the week and for us to be able to give back as much as we possibly could. and in a mere 5 days of working, we built an entire house. it was unreal. I knew NOTHING about building prior to this trip, but once I got there, we all just jumped in and were forced to learn quickly. and we did. I used a power saw, screw driver, hammer (a LOT), caulk gun, climbed on a roof, installed siding, busted out and put in windows and doors, and did so much more. I put up freaking walls!!! WOW! it was just so cool to feel so empowered and amazing after seeing this entire hosue magically appear and know that you and your peers built it. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! well, with a LOT of patience, love, sweat, and laughter, and power from the big man upstairs of course! wow I haven't even started talking about how each day worked. well we stayed at a volunteer center with this amazing couple that lives there year round and they open up their giant home to volunteers. the land that they lived on was beautiful. acres of land with willow trees and grazing cows and mountains towereing over their land. SO COOL! so we stayed at the volunteer house and each day we would wake up at 6:20am and then eat some breakfast and drive 30 minutes to the worksite. we'd work till noon, then eat lunch (which was the yummiest lunch ever becasue it was ridiculously rewarding after working for it. BEST PB&J EVAAA!) and then work again until 4pm. then we'd go back home, shower (only 5 minutes TOPS though) and then go outside and just take in the natural beauty. we would play ultimae frisbee, learn new card games, listen to music, dance, talk, play games. etc. then at night we would bond over giving back massage trains and cuddle and it was awesome. oh and we ate....A LOT. and I may or may not have taught everyone, including the teachers, how to wobble. I could go on and on and on about every little thing that we did there, but no one cares at all because it would just bore you. all I know is that I am SO LUCKY to have gotten the experience. I went back and forth on what song to choose for the entire week because it's very tough....but I guess I'm gonna choose  "The Heart of Life" by John Mayer.....so here we go....

"The Heart Of Life"

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

ok so I just think this is the perfect song because I learned in WV that the heart of life is good and pure and beautiful. life is in no way perfect and people aren't perfect, but no one should care. instead, we have to remember to spread the love that we find and be selfless. it can be extremely hard to do when things get tough, but God gives us pain because he knows that we can handle it. he only gives the strongest people things that they can manage. I am sure that the people that I met in WV have thought about what their lives would be like if they had less brokenness and maybe had a little bit more money or had a McDonald's within a 10 minute radius. but what I realized is that sometimes those things just don't matter because love really can turn the whole thing around.  all it takes is a little bit of hope to recall the true heart of life.  gahhhh I don't know what I am saying because I am so so so tired and loopy but I hope that I somehow inspired you. I guess that my moral would just be to try to remember that every person has a story, even if they seem like someone that you would never connect with. and I realized that being selfless is one of the most amazing qualities. Julie is so selfless and is someone who always puts others first. I am working on being more like this because after going to WV, I just felt so fulfilled since I was solely focusing on others. I feel incredibly blessed to have had such a wonderful experience, and I hope that I can return next year to help again. I am so proud of our whole group, and I am so happy to say that I know how that the heart of life is good.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger