nobody said it was easy. no one ever said it would be so hard

YO. I kinda wanted to blog everyday over break, but unfortunately I haven't done that. I'm not really sure why. I really do love writing these blogs, but I think I've just kind of been lazy. seriously, for the past week I've just been sitting on my butt doing pretty much nothing. I have, however, snuggled with my friends and spent time with some pretty great people, and that's been nice. oh and I met a new friend too. so yay for that. I love how everytime a break rolls around, I always act like I'm going to be productive and what not, but instead I waste the days around and get nothing done. and that drives me crazy. I'm the kind of person that needs a schedule. I like being busy and seeing people and doing anything other than being bored. sometimes I forget to slow down a little bit and be silent and relax. I really like being in constant communication with people, which is good and bad. it's nice because I feel really close to my friends, but it also sucks because it means that I have my phone with me at all times, since I'm almost always texting someone. and I feel really weird when I'm not with people. I have trouble just sitting alone somewhere and being happy. so I guess if I've accomplished anything over break, it's the ability to find some peace while being by myself. I'm still working on the whole silence thing though...silence isn't my fav. usually when I'm alone, I'm listening to calming music or singing. right now, for example, my family is asleep upstairs, and Cleo pup is in the other room. so technically I'm alone. but there's still white noise. I'm listening to one song on repeat (like I always do when I blog), and my keyboard is click click clicking away. and my phone is softly buzzing next to me, of course. so I guess I'm never in total silence. except when I sleep....but that doesn't count, does it? anyways....point is: I haven't done much, but I'm sorta glad that I've allowed myself to just decompress and get collected. but at the same time I wish I would've accomplished something great. or atleast read a good book. but hey, I have a whole week to do whatever I want (except I should probably study/finish up college scholarships). but in between all of that I am going to read and do things that I normally can't do when I'm crazy busy during the school year. oh and today I became a yogi....what is a yogi, you may ask? well, a yogi is someone who does yoga. and yes, they are seriously reffered to as yogis. but anyways, Paxton invited me to go and I was sort of tweaking because it was HOT YOGA! ahhhhh. and I don't really do yoga....except in adaptive PE class, but I don't really think that counts, does it? anyways, I got up "early" (8:27am) this morning and started my day off right with some hot, sweaty yoga. and I actually felt so so so great afterwards. it sounds dumb, but the instructor tells you to focus on bringing in something good to your system and exhaling all of the crap that you need to get out. so I tried, just for an hour, to focus on my breathing and my body and just mentally relax. and there was silence. the teacher spoke, but her voice was like a soft hum, and the music that played was calming. usually, when I look at myself in the mirror, I notice my imperfections instantly. the pudge in my stomach, my huge, rounded nose, my large thighs, my not so toned arms, etc. etc. I would hope that's not what other people see when they look at me, and of course there are so many things that I love about myself too, but I tend to usually notice the negative parts first. but during yoga today, I looked in the mirror, and I saw a powerful, beautiful girl. I hate myself for saying that because I do realize how ridiculous I sound. but even though I wasn't wearing makeup and I was sweating profusely, I felt proud and I felt renewed and I felt strong. mentally, emotionally, and physically. it was a nice feeling. so I guess for the next week (since I get a free week at the yoga studio) I'm going to go to hot yoga. ok so that was today, but I'll throw it back a few days....so there's a very sweet girl that has Autism and is in Peer Buddies with me. I've known her since her freshman year (she's a junior), and she's always just been really kind but also kinda shy. about a month ago, she started meeting me at my locker before I walked to lunch, and I'd chat with for a few minutes. she has a hard time in social situations because sometimes she doesn't know how to maintain a "normal" conversation. it doesn't really bother me, but I'll admit that it can be frustrating sometimes because I feel bad if I can't follow her train of thought. anyways, she had asked me several times before school got out if I'd hang out with her over winter break. so I gave her my phone number and told her to just text me after christmas. sure enough, she texted me on December 26, and we made plans to get lunch. she asked if she could bring along one of her friends, another Autistic girl in Peer Buddies that I know, and I brought one of my friends too. I went to pick the girls up, and the first thing they started in on was bickering over who got to sit next to me in the front seat. they looked at me for an answer, like I was supposed to choose between them! so I told them that one could have it on the way there and the other on the way back. it was an interesting start to our little lunch date. so once we got inside, we each went to order separately. while one of the girls was ordering, she hesitated a little bit with each question that the cashier threw at her. it seems so easy for me to order my chicken sandwich, no onions, and lemonade. but for her, each question reqiured more careful thinking and planning. I was proud of her for doing it on her own, and she seemed satisfied too. what pissed me off was the man who had his arms folded across his chest, impatiently standing behind her. he looked so incredibly flustered, like he'd never heard anyone fumble over words before. it ticked me off. I'm glad she didn't seem to notice, but I wanted to look at him and say "HEY! haven't you ever struggled with something before? ya....I thought so. leave her alone!" but I couldn't. instead she just seemed like a disorganized, rude teenage girl to him. lunch went fairly smoothly, with the occasional lull in conversation here and there. it was actually really nice to talk to her one and one and focus on only her. it made it much easier for me to understand her thought process and care about what she had to say. she told me that a lot of times, girls in her grade unfriend her on facebook or block her on instragram. and she wanted me to tell her why they would do that. she looked at me with this innocence and said, "I liked this girl's pictures on her instagram and commented on a few, and then she told me I was creepy and she blocked me. I don't understand. don't people want 'likes'?" well....it took me a moment to process it and try to produce a reasonable explanation. but...she was right. people DO like "likes" and acknowledgement. but only from certain people. in her mind, she was only being friendly, but to an outsider, she was being a stalker. she told me how she doesn't know who her friends are because sometimes when she says hi to people in the hallway they say hi back, but other times they completely ignore her. I was hurting for this poor girl. could you imagine being a 16 year old high school girl with only one or two friends? even though she has Autism, she isn't physically disabled. she doesn't look any different than you or me. unless you talked to her for awhile, you might have no idea that she has special needs. you might just think that she really is creepy or weird or annoying. people just don't like to slow down and give people like her the time of day. even I'm guilty of ignoring her sometimes when I don't feel patient enough to understand her. but I am glad I listened. because she isn't dumb. she's still a teenage girl just like me, and she wants to be loved by her friends and family like I do. but instead she feels like an outsider and she doesn't understand why it has to be that way. sometimes I think it'd be easier for people like her to be visibly different. because then people would atleast somewhat understand that she had special needs. it sucks for people like her and for people like my cousin Nick, who's also Autistic. because someone might look at him and think, "hmmm....he looks like a nice, normal boy". then they'd talk to him, get confused at what he's saying, and ignore him. of course, not everyone shuts people out like that, but I just mean in general in high school. when we were at lunch, she told me that she always loves seeing all of the pictures of my friends and I on facebook and instagram. she said, "you must have a lot of friends". I honestly didn't know what to say. I guess I take my friends for granted. I do realize how lucky I am to have such awesome friends, but I don't really think twice about texting someone when I'm bored or need encourgement. and I don't really get super excited when someone likes my photo on instagram. and I don't really consider myself super lucky when I cuddle with my friends and watch a movie. that stuff seems normal to me. but to her, that is really special and awesome. and I hate that she may never experience that. I don't expect everyone to be her best friend, but I do wish that more people would realize how much a quick smile or hello could mean to someone like her. it doesn't make you "less cool" to like her instagram post or text her back every once in awhile. I'm learning to set aside my ego and listen to what more people have to say. it's pretty cool what you can learn when you just learn to slow down. tonight's song is "the scientist" by Coldplay.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles; coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science; science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

okay so I had a hard time deciding what song to choose because I almost chose "slow it down" by the lumineers. but I didn't wanna seem like a poser because I don't totally know that song yet. and I usually only blog about a song if I know it inside and out. but I might write about that one soon. who knows?! anyways....this coldplay song has been a favorite of mine for a long time. I used to sing along to it and I thought it was good, but I didn't start really loving it until I watched the music video. the whole video goes in reverse and shows what could've happened had things just been slowed down. in the video, he goes back to "the start" to sort through the mess that has just become his life. I really like the first few lines of the song, "You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you. Tell you I need you. Tell you I set you apart" I know I've said this before, but I'm a huge supporter of being very honest about your feelings and telling people in the moment exactly what you have to say. in the song, he is saying that he needs to find her to let her know that he loves her. and then clearly I also love the line "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard". I feel like this is just so applicable in life...to SO many situations and things. maybe just to life in general. no one tells you "life is going to be pretty hard...." atleast no one ever told me that. and I guess life really isn't that bad. but you don't hear people saying "Life is easy!" either. I live an easy life by most standards, but there are times when I think, damn this is hard. why didn't someone warn me?! and I completely wish I could go back to the start and figure out where the puzzle pieces fit and where I may have gone wrong. but sometimes you just run and run and run in circles and never actually get anywhere. and I'm not totally sure if this song relates to what I talked about earlier, but pretty much, I realized that this concept could apply to my friend more than I had ever thought. I'm sure she might think to herself: no one said that making friends and being in high school and socializing was easy, but no one warned me that it would be this hard. she is constantly "running around in circles". it doesn't seem very fair. so I don't know if this song has a clear solution to this madness, but I'm going to suggest that we all slow it down. listen to other people, build some confidence in yourself, spend time alone, be silent, and appreciate what you have. and also give people their time to shine. don't let life pass you by so fast that you forget to listen and appreciate others. my wonderful friend Bridget recently reminded me that "things" don't matter: people matter.

xoxo
anonymous blogger

PS happy new year! next blog will be about new years resolutions possibly? who knows?!?!

all you need is love, love. love is all you need

HEY!! MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS! (well sorta...it's like an hour past christmas but we can go along with it...) I am so happy to be blogging again. I know I always say this, but I really have been meaning to write. but I'm glad I waited because now I can talk all about Christmas along with the past few weeks. so there has unfortunately been quite a bit of crap thrown my way recently. however, there has also been an overwhelming amount of LOVE given to me. it's honestly been wonderful. so this post is all about LOVE everybody. el oh vee ee....love. love for my family, love for my friends, love for some cute boys, love for my neighbors, love for my puppy, love for my home, love for Jesus, love for those who need it most. just love. I just really love, LOVE. (I think maybe someone should count how many times that word love shows up in this post....I don't want to nor do I encourage it because I have no prize...I'm just curious) ok so anyways...the last few weeks have basically consisted of a lot of stressing about school and just being annoyed at having to be there. tests were piling up, and I adopted a sucky attitude about them. I was half ass studying (which is very unlike me) and I just felt mopey. then there was the shooting in Newtown. 26 beautiful lives were taken, and the nation went into a state of shock and remorse. I openly sobbed thinking about those who lost their lives, but also those who were affected but left behind. the families of the victims, the little children who were in the school and witnessed everything, any parents around the nation who are now afraid to send their child to school, a supposed safe haven. it was all a mess. then some crazy stuff when down with David. he pretty much lashed out at some people that I love, and I hated that I understood their pain and frustration but couldn't stop it. then he stopped speaking to me, and still isn't speaking to me. so all of that was just, for lack of a better word, shitty. because at this point, I am somewhat immune to what he says and does to me. it still hurts, but I understand it a lot more and can handle it. but to see him hurt other people and see them suffer just isn't okay. but again, I felt helpless because I couldn't just magically fix the situation. thankfully, these girls are so brave and smart and stood up for themselves before things could get even more out of hand. so you may be thinking to yourself...damn, this is a whole lot of crap. I thought that this blog was about love??? no need to worry!! because you are right; this post IS about love. so amongst all of this, some wonderful things also happened. I finally learned how to not be a coward, and I had a really great convo with someone I had been meaning to talk to for awhile. I listened to my own advice and realized that it was time to step up. and it paid off. I also realized that I have a pretty amazing support system. even though I was dealing with this stuff with David and it was bothering me, my friends were there to pick me up. it sounds dumb, but I really was amazed at the love that I witnessed. in the past few weeks, several people have reached out to me and have offered their love and support for me. even though I've known all along that I had my friends by my side, it's just kind of cool to have people actually come to you and hug you and say that they love you and will be there for you. I didn't even think that I needed that, but it turns out that I did. because once I recieved that love, I felt a whole lot better. speaking of love, I also had a precious christmas celebration with my girls. we decorated gingerbread houses, sang christmas songs, ate lots of candy, took pictures, drank hot cocoa, and just were happy. oh and we watched love actually. that's what gave me the idea to blog about love, actually. (LOL see what I did there?!) the movie is beautiful so I suggest you see it if you haven't yet! but pretty much, it follows a bunch of different love stories throughout the lives of very different people. it shows that love comes in all kinds of forms and everyone deserves it. oh and we made some beautiful snowflakes at lunch so that we could help create a winter wonderland for sandy hook elementary school. and people did that purely out of love. and with that, tonight's song is "All You Need Is Love" performed by John Lennon....here it is....


All You Need Is Love


Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's easy.

Nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It's easy.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.Love is all you need.
Nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

All you need is love (all together, now!)
All you need is love. (everybody!)
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need (love is all you need).

Yee-hai!
Oh yeah!
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.


so I could've chosen a million different songs for this post. there are just so many songs about love, and to be honest, I love them all. I had so many ideas. but for some reason, I kept coming back to this one. it is so simple, yet it's such a cool concept. "all you need is love". I wonder what to think about that saying. I almost wrote an entire college essay based on the prompt "All you need is love. True or false?" I read it and thought, "easy! true, of course! done." but when I tried to reason it out and write it down, I failed. over and over again. love comes in all forms, love can conquer all, love is like magic....all of these cliches kept popping up and eventually I just gave up. but because this is my blog and I could care less if this even makes sense or is creative or purposeful, I'm just going to address this because I can. so if you know me, which you should since you're reading this, then you really should be able to guess how I'd answer this question. I am usually an optimist, and like I said in the beginning of this blog, I really love, LOVE. but that's not the question. the question is whether it is all you need in life. I can make a list of a lot of other things that I need to survive besides love. a roof above my head, food, knowledge, etc. but the reason that I have all of this is because of the love that my parents have for me and my brother. I know that's a bit of a stretch, but it kind of is true. because my parents love us, they chose to raise us in a safe town that I have grown to love, they gave us shelter and food and clothing and all of the other necessities. however, I also know that sometimes even though parents love their children, they sinpy can't access these neccessities. and that's where this question gets to be tough. what if love isn't enough to keep you and your family alive? my hope is just that these people would have enough love to keep them satisfied so that if they did suffer, they would atleast have love from eachother to keep them strong. ok so this is kind of a jump, but I'd like to address a few more acts of love that I've witnessed recently. so last weekend I volunteered at a toy drive. going into it, I wasn't totally sure what I would be doing. when I got there, a sweet old lady showed me around in this emptied out store that was filled with tables of brand new kid's toys. she instructed me to grab a garbage bag and wait for the first person. I had no idea what was happening, then this mom came in and I was handed a sheet with two names on it. this woman had two kids, one 6 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. it finally made sense. as I walked her around the store and helped collect toys for her children, I could see her face just light up when she got to choose something that she knew her daughter would like. this same pattern continued for hours, as more and more people, all from around my town, came in to get their children christmas presents. the best was when we gave away a brand new pink and purple bike, complete with the streamers on the handle bars and a bell too! I remember how happy I was when I got my purple bike for my birthday. this mother was near tears as she told us how excited her daughter was going to be. another lady told me how her daughter had asked her why poorer families like her own don't get as many presents from santa. that broke my heart. but these parents still love their kids so much, and that was amazing. and basically I just had another wonderful christmas. my family has a lot of weird but awesome traditions, like our annual game of Sorry! where someone usually ends up crying (usually it's me....) BUT THIS YEAR NO TEARS WERE SHED! WOO! I just feel incredibly blessed to have so many people that love me so much. not everyone has that, and even though I do complain about them, my family is pretty great. I know that in David's case, he was lacking a bit of love, and that's made him very bitter. so I'll keep offering it to him as a friend and maybe one day he'll accept it again. it was weird that this was my first christmas in a few years without him, and I did miss him, but I am also really happy for new blessings this year with many more to come. so to answer that question, I'm gonna have to agree with Lennon on this one and argue that all you really do need is love. love love love.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

who called your name? I'm tired of running

ok so I just realized I only have 33 minutes of battery life left which means that I have to write this QUICK! which is unfortunate because I have a lot to say and I just had a very amazing weekend. I went on workcrew for young life at a camp over the weekend. as workcrew, we pretty much set up for every meal, bring all of the food out and run around like crazy people making sure that everyone has enough food, drinks, etc. we are just supposed to serve them and make sure that they have an amazing time. we also bus all of the dishes and clean up after everyone....which often meant a lot of nasty food pieces on my clothes and on my fingers....ick. then we would vacuum and wipe down every time 3 times. oh, and 2 people per meal had to wash dishes for the entire 2 hours....their hands were disgustingly pruny afterwards. you may be wondering how and why my weekend was possibly fun...the weird thing is, serving and doing that stuff actually was what made it so wonderful. we would blast tunes and make it a competition to make sure that everything was speedy but perfect. there were only about 12 of us plus kitchen staff serving over 500 people!! that is pure insanity. yet we somehow survived.....and every one of us loved it. the group that I was with was actually so random. we all knew each other from young life obviously, and some of the people were close friends going in, but I actually wasn't super close to anyone. but I think that is one of the reasons that it was so cool. I got to know some people that I had 100% judged much better, and I loved how we all were able to put aside the petty social group crap and just hang out together. on friday, we played a game where you picked a stick that had a random personal question on it and then you had to answer honestly. we went around the circle for an hour or so just talking. even doing that was crazy. some of the questions were as simple as "what do you like most about yourself?" and a lot of people had trouble answering. then on saturday, we woke up early to do a devotional, which pretty much is where our leader gives us some scripture to read and a sheet explaining some things. and then we just personally reflect on it, then talk as a group. and I really liked what we read. we talked about anxiety. it was actually so strange because it was one of my favorite verses thats Matthew 6:34 "therefore do not worry about tomorrow. for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own". I always think about this verse when I get worked up about stuff. (side note: but my sophomore year I struggled for a bit with anxiety and I went to therapy to help myself learn how to manage my stress in school and in other situations. and I LOVED the experience, but it didn't totally click with me until I heard this verse) I just like how it tells you to live one day at a time because if you are constanly waiting for the next checkpoint, then you are letting amazing days pass you by, and you are going to be miserable. one boy who I actually was best friends with in preschool came with us, and he hasn't done a ton with younglife. but he is such a sweet guy, and then funny thing is that even though I honestly haven't talked to him since I was 5, we were really close this weekend. it was like God wanted us to reconnect, and I loved that. anyways, he said that he worries a lot about things and that he is very insecure about how people may percieve him. and how he was really anxious to come do workcrew, but that when he read that verse, he was amazed at how it clicked with him right away. it just fit for his situation perfectly. and not surprisingly, every single person was able to put their own spin on it. I just liked how we were able to interpret something so simple into a bunch of different things and just get some comfort to start off our crazy day. and another thing that I really liked that I read was "Which of you by being anxos can add a single hour to the span of his life?" it's cool to think about because it really does seem so dumb to be such a tweak about things when I realize that it isn't helping AT ALL. I won't live an hour longer for panicking...if anything I will be worse off. ok so I am on a long tangent and this is bad cause I have so much more to say and I feel like I am not even making sense blahhhhhh. whatever. ok so then we served breakfast and in between breakfast and lunch we all probably h ad 2-3 cups of coffee...I don't even drink coffee at home but it is so necessary while at younglife. so that was amusing. then we played some quality rounds of catch phrase...I love the people that literally are speechless when it's their turn. everyones like, "SAY SOMETHING! SAY ANYTHING?!" classic. then we served lunch, and after lunch we got 4 hours to do whatever. so all of us hit up this super awesome, hipster coffee shop. and we just drank hot chocolate and coffee and ate candy (that only cost 75 cents btw...what a steal!) and played cards for hours. and we attracted friends from different schools (including this boy with the most gorgeous blue eyes and dark hair from Glenbard West that was a gem) so we all just enjoyed that and also played some volleyball (and my team kicked ass so that was a bonus) and then we played mafia of course and i was the mafia and killed errebody. teehee I am a sneaky one...oh and me and two girls went on this amazing gigantic swing thing and it was so much fun. k so then we served dinner, and after dinner, we got to go to YL club with the campers! at club, you sing songs and dance and play fun games, and then you hear some cool person talk about their life and Christ and how he has impacted them. so we sat in on the last club, which is where you get to hear about how Jesus died to save you and me. that is my favorite message to hear over and over again. the speaker had this giant cross that everyone had signed, and he had a mirror that people had written on. the mirror had all of the negative things that people saw in themselves when they looked in the mirror. then the speaker unexpectedly put the mirror on the floor and crushed it with the cross. it was SO SO SO awesome and empowering. so after we heard that, we got 10 minutes to oursleves...to be silent, reflect, sleep, do whatever. but it had to be completely silent. we walked outside and it was just lightly snowing....the kind of snow that is so beautiful that you want to sit outside and just let it fall. so that is exactly what I did. for 10 wonderful minutes, I heard nothing but the snow falling, and I prayed while looking at the stars and catching snowflakes on my tongue. and it was pretty magical. but the best part of the weekend by far was what came next. the work crew met back up and we talked about what the speaker told us about being forgiven. and then our leader gave us each paper to just reflect on. so we each just took time alone to write down whatever we wanted to. some people wrote letters to god or to themselves. some people talked about the weekend like a journal entry, and I just kind of jotted down anything that came int my head. I made one sheet to save, and we all wrote one that we would burn in the fireplace. so after I was done, I just looked around and I noticed that almost all of the guys were crying or on the verge of tears. and of course girls were crying too. but to see these big, tough guys crying just got to me. we weren't even speaking to eachother, but they felt comfortable enough to be emotionally exposed in front of us. when we came back together after writing, a lot of people opened up and weren't afraid to speak about their faith and what they wrote. I loved it. I know I have worked a lot on being as nonjudgmental as possible, but to be honest, I had judged a lot of these guys. seeing them crying was really weird, but really comforting too. one of the guys told us that he shouldn't even be alive right now, and he admitted that the only reason he's here is because of god. I never even knew that he was religious, but it turns out that he is a K love radio addict just like myself. one guy even had to put his bandana over his eyes to pray so that he wouldn't show himself crying. it was crazy. so then we burned our notes and felt pretty bad ass. anddddd then we had an all camp kick ass dance party and went loco! oh and we finished our little pow wow with a group hug. so that was lovely. and then today we did another devotional and we prayed one on one for people and I was with my old friend from preschool. and the two of us just reconnected and hugged and all was well. and then we served breakfast and cleaned up and headed home :( and that was pretty sad. but while we were cleaning up after breakfast today, an awesome song by this super cool christian singer named Andrew Ripp (shoutout to Jules cause she met him with me YUSSS) came on and I was so excited. Andrew sang at this same retreat last year when I was a camper and not only is he extremely talented, he is super cute and sweet too! oh and his music isn't overly religious at all. you can like it even if you don't believe in God. so in honor of him and the weekend I chose "You Will Find Me" by ma boy Andrew Ripp....

  You Will Find Me
When your souls weary
When you find doubt
When you can't hear me
Lay your troubles down

In your dark moments
When your hearts weak
Bring yourself broken
You will find me

Who wrote the rain
Who wrote the sun in
Who called your name
Where are you running
I'm gonna be there near or far
I'm gonna meet you where you are
Who wrote your name
Who wrote the sun in

When you come thirsty
When the wells dry
When your souls dirty
I am by your side

When your faiths broken
When you can't see
With my arms open
You will find me

Who wrote the rain
Who wrote the sun in
Who called your name 
Where are you running?
I'm gonna be there near or far
I'm gonna meet you where you are
Who wrote your name
Who wrote the sun in

You carried all my shame
When you called my name
I am not the same
Who wrote the rain
Who wrote the sun in
Who called your name?
I'm tired of running
I'm gonna be there near or far
I'm gonna meet you where you are
Who wrote your name
Who wrote the sun in

You will find me

so this is one of his more religious songs but I really love it. It basically says that when you are broken, you can turn to Christ and he can help you out. if you aren't religious, I think that it is saying that even though stuff completely sucks at times, someone will always be there to turn it around. even when you can't see or you have lost faith, you will find a savior. he says "I'm gonna be there near or far, Im gonna meet you where you are". even if you are lost or hurting, someone is going to find you, no matter how lost you feel. my favorite line in the song is "who wrote the rain, who wrote the sun in? Who called your name? I'm tired of running". don't be ashamed if you aren't okay...someone will find you and help you out. do NOT be ashamed. I just am so comforted by that. ok so I reallyyyyyy need to sleep. so I am going to finish out this blog by sharing some of what I scribbled down on that note that I saved. not all of the words and phrases make sense, but I think it is cool what I just came up with while I was processing everything.

-bringing different people together
-help me to not judge
-say hi to people
-how do I lead others?
-making amends
-help me find the beauty in all people and most importantly, SHOW THEM THEIR BEAUTY
-admit my failures
-its okay to not be okay
-he has a plan
-trust
-work hard in the name of Christ
-1 year left...why not befriend more people?
-why is there so much pain
-you aren't fooling anymore
-stop being a coward
-remember how he died for US and he would do it again
-pray
-be still and know I am
-gossip
-chin up kid
-oh you of little faith
-SPEAK UP
-hypocrit
-rekindle lost relationships
footprints
-be honest
-be there for my freshman girls
-be respecful of myself
-confidence
-it's okay to be anxious
-stop being so jeakous
-I wish you loved yourseld as much as I love you
-DO NOT WORRY
-show my freidns with warmth
-respect my family
-look for beauty
-blessed
-I am loveable, we are loveable
-there is hope
-lies
-stop what I want
-lead people to Christ
-no pressure
-it's okay to have secrets but don't hide them from Him
-meet new people
-remember that He allows us to start over

props if you actually made it through that entire rant of a blog...sorry if I disappointed anyone cause that was very religion oriented as well as random in terms of organization. then again, I just had a great weekend and I needed to share that and just reflect. I guess I will close by saying that I learned a lot this weekend and I am working on bettering myself as well as helping people see the beauty in themselves. so I hope you can notice that in me. I AM BLESSED.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was

HEYYYY! so this is a bit crazy considering it is a random Wednesday night and I AM BLOGGING. usually I only blog on weekends because sometimes a blog can take me upwards of an hour depending on what I'm writing about. which means that it takes me a solid 10 minutes to reread my blogs as well...I usually just skim them all cause I get overwhelmed by all of the words. I'm not even sure why you guys bother to read these....they are SO LONG! BUT I am hoping that you get something out of them possibly. I really wanted to blog last weekend but the house that I was babysitting at didn't have wifi!!! gahhhh so that was quite frustrating. so I guess I am kinda making up for that tonight. plus it is awesome to be able to do this on a school night because I just know I am going to feel so relaxed and at peace when I am done writing this. then I can sleeeeep. so last week I told another friend about my blog (which brings the grand total of possible viewers to 11 people!!) which also means that I have found 11 amazing people to love and be thankful for! of course there are other people that mean the world to me besides those 11, but if you do read this, just know that there's a very special place in my heart for you and I love you dearly. (as my freshman year english teacher would say) but anyways, I told my friend about this blog and I was interested to see what he thought of it. he is a very honest guy, and I didn't know if he'd be a little scared by what I've written. he only recently has warmed up to my craziness and has kinda learned how to handle me, accepting me for the good and bad that come along with being my friend. I know that most of you have seen my emotional side and pretty much understand that I am a person who confronts problems head on and is pretty open when I am hurting. but he hadn't totally seen that yet until recently. so pretty much, I was hesitant. but then he told me that after reading a few posts, he felt like he saw a more real side to me which made me happy. and after I didn't post this weekend, he said he was disappointed. I'm not sure why, but I found that to be pretty cool. so this post goes out to you bud! welcome to the fam of 11 who can see this. hurray! so tonight my beautiful, wise friend Paxton proposed an interesting question to Julie, Betsy, and I (as she does most nights). but tonight the question really resonated with me. she asked, "what word describes you during the course of this past year"? I couldn't really decide what I wanted to say. I just kept thinking about how I've changed a lot over the year, but then again, hasn't everyone? don't we always change? I'm not sure why, but this year I've just noticed the changes a lot more. not physical ones I mean, like emotional ones. I've matured a lot (atleast I pretend I have...my mom would beg to differ), I've grown in my faith, I've built stronger, more meaningful relationships and got rid of the ones that were useless or harmful, etc. I wasn't really sure how to sum that up with one word...but I decided on liberated. this year, I've been liberated. liberated by god, by my friends, by myself, and I've liked that feeling a lot. tonight's song is one of my favorites. it's called "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath...here it is....

"I'm Not Who I Was"

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wondered if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back againLike a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' its a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
That I never did forget your name
Hello...

Oooo Nah nah nah nah nah

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...

so this song is used for something called carboard testimonies for young life. it's pretty much where you write something honest and personal about yourself on one side of the carboard, then you write how God has changed/helped you with that struggle on the other. I've never done one personally, but I've seen a lot of amazing ones and have been able to see how God has worked in tons of lives. this song is one that usually plays while people unvail their testimonies. if I had to write one for myself it might be something like, "Drained by striving for perfection" and "Perfect in the eyes of God". I don't know...I made that up on the spot. but that's just an example. the point is really that we all change and it can be interesting to look at who we used to be. to me, this song represents my liberation. david has been saying to me recently how I've "changed". it was bugging me because I didn't want to admit that I had. I was hoping he was wrong, that I was still the same person that he had loved. but when I really stop to think about it, I HAVE changed. but change doesn't have to be a bad thing. I think I've changed in good ways too. sure, I might be a bit more stubborn or cold now, but at the same time, I've learned how to open myself up to so many new people, I've been adventurous, I've let my guard down, I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone, I've accepted some new people into my life, I've let some go, and above all, I've been liberated. I really did used to be mad at David, especially when he would claim that I was "different" now. in my eyes, it was like he saw me as some monster who just incapable of love now. but like the song says, "I used to be mad at you, A little on the hurt side too. But I'm not who I was. I found my way around to forgiving you some time ago. But I never got to tell you so..." I think this is really cool. sometimes when you take a step back and reevaluate situations, you are able to see how the true problem might just be that you have changed. it was hard for me to accept that, but once I did and I stopped blaming him, I was able to forgive and stop hurting. sure, I wish I could show him how I'm not who I was, but that I love who I have become, but that'll come in time. I also love the line that says, "I found us in a photograph. I saw me and I had to laugh. You know I'm not who I was". for my psych class, I had to bring in pictures of myself when I was younger. looking at the photos made me question who I used to be versus who I've become. I asked my parents all sorts of questions about if I was an "easy or diffcult" baby, if I ever was shy, how I acted with friends, what my favorite toy was, etc. I really really wanted to know if I was still the same girl. but looking at some of those pictures of me at age 3 was just strange. it didn't look like me. all I could do was laugh because had it not been for the big brown eyes staring back at me, I wouldn't have connected to that stranger in the picture. and I guess that just made me realize even more how we change a LOT over the course of our lives. you may be thinking, "no shit...obviously everyone changes. cool point bro." but I think that instead of dwelling on the fact that people have changed since their cute little diaper days, we should be thankful! I am lucky enough to be at an age where I can mold myself and be whatever version of myself I want. of course, my parents still have a huge amount of power over me, but I feel like at this age, I can really try to have a secure sense of who I am. that's what I am working on going forward. I am finally satisified (well, for the most part) with who I am, and even though I know that is bound to change, I will vow to embrace who I am in the present as much as I possibly can. because I LOVE that the person in the mirror is no longer a stranger to me. others may see me as "changed" for better or for worse, but I will just smile and know that even though I'm not who I once was, I am happy with who I am. so friends, to conclude tonight, I'd like to remind you all that even though you may feel like a mess somedays, or everyday, try to focus on who you are and who you'd like to become. God made us each specifically and He called us by name, meaning that you aren't going to be able to trade places with someone, as much as you might want to. but what I do urge you to do is to get a feel for who you are TODAY. don't worry so much about who you used to be, but instead try to embrace your current, 17 (or 16 or however old you are) year old self. we have so much more life to live, and things are going to change, but don't let the fear of changing stop you from experiencing life to the fullest. *gahhhh I am beating myself up over these cliches but oh well* so MORAL IS exactly what Brandon says in the song, "And the thing I find most amazing in amazing grace. Is the chance to give it out. Maybe that's what love is all about." try to help others see that their life is a gift and they should embrace who they are and learn to love their quirks. and even though sometimes I wish I could prove to others that I'm not who I was, it's not even important as long as I know who I currently am. and that's all I have for you, folks.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

p.s. this weekend I am going to be on work crew for YL (and I am estatic for it) but that also means I probably won't be able to blog. but I am hoping that maybe I can on Sunday because I know I will have lots to say after a fun filled weekend. ok goodnight my loves...thank you for reading all of that <3

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

ello. so since we are on thanksgiving break, I have been wanting to blog since wednesday night. but I thought that I better just save it for tonight and therefore I could fully explain the entire break/long weekend. well it certainly has been an eventful break. I guess we can start with tuesday night. so after school, I was making a left hand turn and I got a ticket because the arrow was turning yellow instead of green....my bad. so the cop was all pissy and gave me $120 ticket. plus I have to go to traffic court, take an online course, and I am on probation. so if I get another ticket within a certain time frame, I could lose my license. so I mean that was a wonderful way to start break right?! I am surprised I didn't cry. I was more just pissed because I don't want to pay that. the reason that I spend countless hours with small children (besides the fact that I do love them) and don't always see people on the weekends is because I am making money from babysitting. and then $120 is just down the toilet. oh well, what can you do? just don't turn when the arrow is turning yellow okay?! don't. it puts so many people in danger according to the officer (BULLLLL SHIT) ok anyways that was way too long of a rant. so after that, I was feeling fairly shitty. however, God has blessed me with two angels that have recently become a large support system for me. we often find ourselves at TCBY, laughing and poking fun at eachother while also just being happy that we are together. the trio is kind of unlikely, and it's very cool to me that we have gotten so close. so the three of us took a trip to TCBY and after some yogurt and some love from my faux family I was feeling a little better. then I had a college interview at starbucks, which went well. except I ran into my spanish teacher/coach which was definitely interesting. and to finish the night, one of my friends that I miss dearly came over and we just talked and cuddled in my bed. I spend a lot of time with her during my track season, but when we aren't running, I don't always get to see her. but just being with her for an hour was enough to make me remember why I love her so much. her wit and sass and courage and compassion are just so visible...even from a short conversation. so that was actually such a lovely end to my day. then I had a 1/2 day on wednesday, and I actually enjoyed myself. I'm not sure how, but I guess since we didn't do anything in class, it was just nice to be with everyone and not stress at all. teachers were very chill and just let us socialize and just be blissful. it was nice for a change. then I went to Jill's house because her house just makes everything better. and we made pie and painted our nails and sang and I was very happy. later that night, I went to my cousin's saints day celebration at her house. I wasn't super pumped for it, but I ended up really liking it! honestly, I think I love my cousin a little bit more every time I am with her. of course her spunk and humor makes me smile, but it's gotten to be more than that. I just feel so lucky that we are related because I know she isn't going anywhere.  thanksgiving was pretty nice too...we got together with the same side of the family that we were with on wednesday night. so that was good and bad. it was a little overwhelming because I can only handle so much of my family. but then again I am VERY thankful to have them, even though they may be crazy. as corny as it sounds, I really really am blessed. not only do I have two parents that love eachother and me very much, but I also have amazing aunts and uncles and the best grandma in the world. not everyone is so lucky, and I can't take my family for granted. and of course, I really love my friends. I know I probably have expressed my love for them a lot, but I tried to make an effort on thanksgiving to reach out to the people that mean the most to me and just let them know that I really am thankful to have them. again, it sounds dumb, but I like to think that God puts people into your life with a purpose in mind. over the summer, I became closer with someone. at first, it was just nice to have him to talk to and his comments always made me laugh. but recently, I've found myself confiding in him a ton, and miraculously, he listens. I don't know why I chose him or if I should be telling him things or if I am crazy, but for some reason I just feel like I should. I just love how your relationships with people take crazy turns, for better or for worse. it was ironic because on thanksgiving morning, I woke up thinking that I would text David and let him know that despite the craziness, I still really care and am thankful that I have him in my life. however, I woke up with a text from him explaining why I am the immature one and how he was told that he was 'completely normal' while I need to change. reading that was a huge slap in the face. but instead of arguing or freaking out, I just was calm with him and told him exactly what I had planned to tell him...that I was thankful. and what do you know? he started being honest and apologized by admitting that he really is thankful for how I have tried to help him, even though it's been a little bit too much at times. for him, that's a huge step. it will take a long time for him to recover and start feeling "normal" again, but I am glad that he is on the right track. so on friday, I went downtown with Jacob, and it was awesome! he honestly lives in the middle of nowhere, so even taking the train for him was huge. it took him over an hour on the train just to get to the city. it was really sweet of him to go thru all of that trouble. but we did have a really fun time so that's good. we went ice skating and we ran around macy's like crazy kids and we got hot chocolate at the kris kringle mart and we just goofed around. oh and we took selfies in the reflection of the bean of course ;) It's not like I am expecting a relationship with him or anything, but it's been SO eye opening for me to see how some guys treat girls. not that David always treated me poorly, but he was just more introverted and sometimes could be a bit uptight. Jacob just made me laugh the entire time, whether I was laughing because he was trying to be funny or because I was just laughing AT him. he just has a childlike giddyness about him that I envy. I joked with him that he was a baby, only because he is younger than me and says things like he is a little kid. but honestly I think a lot of us would be much happier if we looked at things the way he does. he would just grab my hand and be like, "don't think so much! let's just walk!" while simultaneously putting money in the salvation army tins and wishing people a merry christmas. it just made me smile. and I needed that. BUT I am very lucky that my day didn't even end there! once jacob was safely on his train and I made it home, I saw my friend via that I had visited at Tulane because she is home for break. so we caught up a little and I just loved seeing her so ridiculously happy. she missed her school so much and wanted to go back already! then I spent the rest of the night just talking with three wonderful people in my friend's basement. it was very simple, yet exactly what I wanted. and today I got to catch up with a lot of college friends, and it makes me very happy to see that they are loving college and are doing well. I hope that next year when I'm home 1) my senior friends willl want to see me and 2) my friends and I will be loving school and will be happy. that's all I want. ok so tonight I watched a walk to remember with a bunch of my girlfriends. it sounds incredibly lame (and it is) but I loved it. I'll admit, the movie is so so so cheesy and ridiculous, but it somehow manages to make me cry everytime. when mandy moore sings "only hope", I openly weep. it is very embarassing, but it's true. however, I didn't choose that song. instead, I chose a song that played during the movie that made me think. and that song is "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot. here it is....

Dare You To Move

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

I've always really liked this song, but I guess I never realized how repetitive and seemingly simple these lyrics are. recently, I stumbled upon something that I wish I hadn't, and I found out something that I wasn't supposed to know. I'm not sure if that's ever happened to you, but it actually has happened to me several times. and when it's something serious, I get stuck in this weird spot because I don't know if I should pretend like I didn't see what I saw and just push it aside, or whether I should meddle and try to help. I usually end up meddling and trying to fix everything, but I feel like I usually leave things more broken than when I found them. it is annoying because I wish that I could just let people deal with themselves and trust that they will be able to sort it out on their own, but I always, always, always find myself in the middle of things. I can say over and over again that I'll stop meddling, but I don't know if that's going to happen anytime soon. because even though my meddling probably sucks and I'm sure I've annoyed atleast one of you by doing it, I like to think that maybe, just maybe, my constant annoyance will reep some kind of positive result. in the case of what I found yesterday, I of course jumped in instantly. and instead of it seeming like I wanted to help, it probably seemed like I was being a nosey bitch. the problem is just that I get incredibly nervous when people are suffering from depression and are hurting themselves. it doesn't really scare me anymore because I know that it effects a lot of people that I am close to, but that doesn't make it a whole lot easier. I know that depression and mental illnesses are sicknesses, just like cancer, but to me, that means that they should be treated. I still don't totally understand why I should ever sit back if someone is in pain, even if I don't know them particularly well. I'm not sure what I could do to help them, since sometimes the pain and hurt is far beyond what I could ever do to "fix" them. but if they're sick, then it would make sense for them to get treatment or some form of "medicine" wouldn't it? I am sorry for meddling, but I can't help it. as cliche and annoying as it may sound, I really do think that everyone deserves to be happy, and they definitely shouldn't be miserable and feel like they hate themselves to the extent of wanting to inflict pain. I know that a lot of it is out of their hands and is due to just being sick, but I think that if that was me, or that was my child, or my friend, I would want them to get help. especially if they couldn't speak up for themself. no one should have to swallow their pain and suffer. so I guess to relate this to the song, I'd say that I dare you to move. whether you are someone in pain or you know someone who is hurting, please do something about it. I know that people always tell me that sometimes people who are suffering from depression or self hatred feel like they aren't worth the concern or time or attention...but they are. it's crazy to think about, but we are all so interconnected that one person's pain is likely to affect way more people than just that one person. so by not speaking up, we are in turn hurting more people and ourselves too. the line that strikes me in this song is "Where can you run to escape from yourself?" I obviously don't know a ton about how it feels to loathe yourself, but you really can't ever escape yourself. you are in a sense "stuck" with who you are. but that's the way God intended it to be. it is easy for me to simply say this, but everyone was put on this planet with a purpose. God didn't want you to scrutinize every part of your body or panic about what others thought about you. this will sound dumb, but one of my favorite things to do when I feel self conscious about my appearance or my body is to read Seventeen's body peace treaty. in it, you pledge to respect yourself and your body because it is a temple. you do this by not harming it through undereating, cutting, ridiculing it, etc. so many people, especially girls, feel this extreme pressure to have perfect bodies, but no one has one. so quit picking on yourself and try to LOVE what you have and who you are. even if you have curvier thighs, maybe you have a super skinny waist that lets you flaunt sassy dresses? or I am sure people are jealous of your beautiful, big eyes, and do not notice if you have some extra belly fat. BE CONFIDENT. own what you have and stay HEALTHY. and if you are feeling miserable about yourself, all I would say to you is that I DARE YOU TO MOVE. pick yourself up off the floor and try. salvation is here. and if you're someone like me so often acts like a coward and is hesitant about meddling, try not to view it like its meddling. my friend told me that even though I might not think that what I say to those who are hurting is helping them, it might be, so why would I risk stopping? so I am sorry if it annoys you, but I will continue to meddle. to conclude, I want to also address these lines, "Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell". when I hear those, I just think about how each day is a new opportunity to start new and move forward. redemption can help you recover and grow and it is always an option. so, one more time, I dare you to move. 

xoxo
anonymous blogger

P.S. sorry for the sudden change of pace in this blog from start to finish. I just had a lot on my mind and wanted to get it all out. also I am sorry if my blog has turned in to some weird self help thing....it's not supposed to be but oh well. 

my own little world is what I deserve

hey! guess what's going on tonight....?! drum roll.....BABYSITTING! wooo! surprise surprise, I know.  I was actually supposed to babysit yesterday too, but then she canceled. I would've appreciated the extra dough, but I'm glad that I had a free night with my friends.  it actually was such a fabulous day. the was an interesting word choice (fabulous, that is) but I am okay with that because I think it does the day justice. so on Thursday night, after going bowling with my BFFLs in peer buddies, I made my way to my cousins house. she lives about 45 minutes away and she goes to a huge high school there. she's a sophomore, but she doesn't act like it. I'm sure I've written about her before but I will again incase you didn't read it back then. she is just super lively and outgoing and brave and confident and even though I am older thatn her, I think that I look up to her just as much as she looks up to me. she just rocks it and completely embraces herself and her body image and her spunk and charisma. gahh I could go on for days! basically she will make a wonderful maid of honor at my wedding and will give one hell of a speech. oh, and I can't wait for her to visit me in college....that is bound to be insane. anyways, my dad drove me to her house because my aunt was taking us to see the new twilight movie (aka breaking dawn: part dos) YA, so I am that girl that actually read the books and (gasp) did like them. I know what you're thinking; weird blogger girl would be the freak to obsess over twilight. however; I was never a die hard fan. I just enjoyed the books and watched the movies out of respec to the books. (as if the books would really care if I didn't see the crappy movies produced on their behalf) but regardless, I have seen all of the movies. last thanksgiving, my family went to Michigan over break, and while we were there, my aunt took my cousin and I to see breaking dawng: part uno. it started kinda as a joke, but the three of us kept sayin that we would go see part dos at midnight together the following year. I didn't exactly realize that we were being serious until my cousin called me up a few weeks ago and asked if she should buy us tickets. so of course I said yes! and that led us up to Thursday night. so we saw the movie, and yes, it was great. I'll admit, it was a bit cheesey at times, like when Bella soars through the sky with her new vampire capabilities, and when Edward is able to have a flashback of his a Bella's entire 4 year fucked up (excuse my language) weirdo relationship. BUT....there were also some thrilling moments; like when Taylor Lautner legitimately stripped down to his underwear. needless to say, I was screaming....loudly. fun fact: Taylor Lautner is seriously one of my male obsesssions....along with Channing of course! but that is kinda besides the point. so after the movie, my cousin and I went back to her house and we cuddled in her bed and stayed up late filling each other in on life and such. and I really loved what she had to say. she always says that I need to try new "crayons" from the 100 pack of crayons. when I dated David, she would say that I had that icky 4 pack of crayons that you get at shitty restaurants that no one even likes. she wanted me to just go wild and get a new, bigger box, full of new choices. of course, the metaphor here is that each crayon is a different guy that I need to date before I find the right one; 100 guys to be exact, according to her. so I was filling her in on David and Jacob and all that fun stuff when she just stops me and said, "hey, no matter what happens, I want you to know that I'm just proud of you for throwing away that shitty box and upgrading when you did". to other people, that may sound absolutely bonkers, and frankly it is. my family is a bit nuts....but still, I just loved that she was able to put it into perspective for me. she told me to just go for it with Jacob because hey, if it doesn't work out, then I don't even have to see him! so I am gonna go for it. I've decided that I am done making up excuses for why I don't like him. honestly, I am just afraid of failure again so I am pushing him away. but there's no need to! it is so fun to meet new people and have new experiences. so if it doesn't work out, then who cares?! atleast I can say that I tried right? ok so after those lovely heart to hearts, we slept in late, and then we watched Easy A (Emma freaking Stone is a firecracker...no ginger pun intended....and I love her!!) and then my wonderful grandma picked both of us out and took us out for brunch. yummmmmy foooood. then we go pedicures and we convinced my grandma to get a sassy sparkly accent finger nail! the entire salon loved my grams by the time we left. that's how it always is with her....she makes so many friends. I hope I can do that when I get to be her age! its amazing! so then we got fro yo and she confessed that the first time she came, she accidentally got a $10 yogurt creation cause she was a rookie. hahaha I loved that story. then she filled us in on our mother's dating horror stories! I couldn't believe that she even remembered their names and stuff. she goes, "oh Anne, your mom dated that Rick boy. he was just HORRIBLE!" typical grams....she just made us so happy. we couldn't stop smiling and laughing. oh and Anne drove my grandma's ancient car around since she needs hours to get her license. that was terrifying. but ya it was such a great ditch day. woo! so then at night I saw this amazing play at school and ran into a buncha awesome people. and the play was super interesting because it just opened your eyes to alot of the intolerance that takes place and the hate that still exists in our society.  after seeing that play and in honor of awareness week, I made a promise to myself to not say "that's so gay" or let other people say it....because it honestly makes zero sense and its just ridiculous. more than that, it just showed how much hatred people harbor. so I am going to try to not say that I "hate" a person anymore. it's not worth my time to go around "hating" people. seriously I just don't see the point. ok so another thing I realized this week is that 1) I strongly dislike (I ironically almost wrote hate) sharing my close friends and 2) things often revolve around me and my problems in my mind and that probably shouldn't happen....if only I could keep my mouth shut tight....well, here is Center of Attention by Guster....

"Center Of Attention"

One of us won't last the night, between you and me it's no surprise
There's two of us, both can't be right
Neither will move till it's over

I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight
My own little world is what I deserve
Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball
I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's fine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

All by myself, I'm so much better on my own
And way out there, it is the same old place that it always has been
I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight..tight...tight

My own little world is what I deserve
Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball
I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's fine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

One of us won't last the night, between you and me it's no surprise
There's two of us, both can't be right
Neither will move till it's over

I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight
Yeah, no one will ever notice if I keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball
I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's mine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

this song is really cool....I can't believe I just chose the word "cool" to describe it but whatever. I wish that I could take credit for discovering this song, but unfortunately I cannot. my brother's girlfriend made him all of these awesome CDs and I recently discovered this song while flipping through the CDs in the car. I really like the line, "My own little world, is what I deserve". I just find it kind of amusing because when I hear this song, I think of it being sung sarcastically, as if it is making fun of the fact that I think I deserve my "own little world". even though I claim to care so much about other people, ultimately, my decisions are about ME. don't get me wrong, I definitely care about my friends and family and stuff, but I would be lying if I said that all of my actions were focused around what would ultimately be best for them. it sucks, but even as I sit here right now writing this, I'm not really doing it for the benefit of anyone but myself. and that sucks to admit. if I disected my every action today, it would somehow come back to having benefitted ME. this morning I volunteered, and sure, I helped people, but I did it so that I'd get NHS hours, which are for my benefit. and I was thinking about how I personally enjoyed myself...not once did I stop to think about that old man that was lifting trees too and wonder what his motivation was. babysitting...it was for MY money. visiting my friend that's sick...I mean I suppose that kind of was for her benefit, but it made ME happy to see her and that's what I thought about. so when I hear this song, I can't help but laugh, and shudder because it helps me poke fun at my own vanity. even when I try so hard not to be selfish, it is nearly impossible. we are always thinking about ourselves, whether we want to or not. I am the freaking "center of attention". I think that we all kind of do live in our own "little worlds" in which we are the kings...only we exist and everything is our own. in the song he says, "By myself, I am so much better on my own". even though I love being with people and would never say that I am better off by myself, I think that maybe I wouldn't be as vain if I didn't have other people around me. I know that probably makes no sense, but bear with me. my "bubble" wouldn't be able to burst without the influence of other people, and there would be no competing to get attention, and there wouldn't be a difference between thinking about others and thinking about myself. so the song mentions how no one would notice their selfish struggle if they just shut their mouths. honestly, they are preaching to the flippin choir. I know I just talked about this recently, but I really do need to work on keeping quiet. I honestly have tried to tone it down and watch what I say, but sometimes I just feel like my reputation as a loud mouth will follow me forever. it is frustrating because even though I talk loudly and clearly am outspoken, I think that I am very trustworthy too. if someone tells me a secret, I can keep it. you might be surprised what kind of stuff I know that I haven't told anybody at all. yet, sometimes I feel as though people avoid telling me things because a) they think I'll blab or b) they don't trust me, or c) they think that I'll judge them or maybe even lucky choice d) all of the above. today I realized that sometimes people purposefully keep me out of the loop because they don't know how I'll handle things. it's as if I am some firecracker, ready to spew out anything that I hear. but it's not true. so I feel like if I could keep my mouth shut tight I wouldn't have as many issues with this. but like the song says, there's two of us, and both can't be right, neither will move till it's over. I guess I can be pretty stubborn as well and maybe people think I'm close minded? I don't know. another thing I learned: I am not a fan of sharing close friends. I have always been in a larger group of friends, so I wasn't really close to just one person. now that my group has gotten smaller, things are different. obviously I am very close with Julie, and I love claiming her as my "other half". but sometimes I just don't like sharing. in fact, I hate it. I know I shouldn't use that word but it's true. and I do not like that about myself whatsoever. it goes hand in hand with that stupid jealously issue that resurfaces every once in awhile. I don't think I am that girl that freaks if her best friend spends time with another person, its just that no one wants to be that girl who loves someone who doesn't love them back. not that that's what my life is like cause it is not at all. I have a LOT of love from people, but I do question it a lot, which is unfortunate. andddd I wish that I didn't do it. so maybe I'd just be better off in my own little world....who knows? alright so moral of the blog would be 1) admit that you have a problem: and that problem is that you're selfish, just like me. we all are. and make an effort to change it. 2) don't "hate" anyone or any type of person....it is a huge waste of your time and 3) be secure in your friendships. if you are lucky enough to be loved and have love in your life, then don't second guess it. I beat myself up over it and it's no fun at all.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

P.S. one of my best friends who has a wonderful blog told me that she read my blog and it made her laugh. and it just made me very happy :)

give me grace to forgive them cause I feel like the one losing

hi! happy saturday/almost sunday! I couldn't really decide whether or not to blog tonight, but then I just thought why not?! because it usually makes me feel a lot better so that is what I am doing. however, there are a few different songs that are floating around in my head tonight, and I'm not sure which I'm gonna choose or what I am even trying to convey through this blog. but that's fine because I don't really write this for anyone but myself (that sounds bad but I am not trying to impress anybody by this) so I guess I can write total gibberish if I so choose! hafhoeuoafdkgfkadhfakjfhewoh....see? that was really funny. ok so I guess I should address my week/weekend so far. well it was definitely an eventful week, but I feel like most weeks are. except even though I felt like everyday was a new crazy adventure while it was taking place, when I think about it now, I can't even remember what really happened. I do know that I saw a brain disection which was awesome. psych is just a great class.....so I touched the brain too (with gloves of course) so I guess that was pretty cool. gahhhh it is actually annoying me that I can't even think about what I did this week. I guess that's good and bad. it goes to show that even when things seem crazy in the moment and I'm stressing, pretty soon I will forget all about it. and that can be sorta bad because that kinda defeats the purpose of everything I did over the week. if I can't even remember what happened then what the heck was I wasting my time on?! its weird how much easier it is to remember what I did on summer days versus school days. school just blends all together and is kinda like this weird mush. days get lumped into weeks, weeks into months, and months into school years.  no one says, "hey remember that one week of freshman year when....." instead people just talk about the entire year like it was just one big experience.  I have no idea where that tangent came from but oh well. however, I do of course know what I did this weekend. so that's good I guess! yesterday I babysat for a family because I was covering for my bffl abby. and I got to hang out with the cutest 4 year old girl. we did a craft and colored and danced to t swift of course! and so she was precious and made me smile. and then I went to a sleepover with my freshmen young life girls. ok so please feel free to laugh at me.....get it out of your system. yes, I had a sleepover with a bunch of freshmen girls. BUT, get ready for this...it was actually awesome! we watched the twilight series in honor of the new movie coming out next week (I'm going to the midnight premiere what what?! ya I have no life, I am aware) anyways, we watched some twilight, mostly just for Taylor Lautner to TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF! I scream everytime. I can't help it. ok so amongst the squealing and what not, we also just nommed on snacks and, shocker, had heart to hearts. if you know me at all (and you should if you read this blog...if not; please get out. I am scared) then you'll know how much I live for heart to hearts. I mean the name sounds so dumb, but pretty much I just enjoy being honest with people and hearing how they're doing. I love when I can get someone to open up. it makes me feel so great only because I really like talking to people when I am upset or have something on my mind. other people like to keep that tucked away, but I like to believe that secretly everyone sometimes just wants to vent. so I like to let people know they can always come to me. and no, it is not just because I thrive on drama or anything like that. It is just cool to see someone after they've opened up. gahhh I sound super annoying but whatever. I think that is why I am going into psychology...I just like listening. which is odd considering what a blabber mouth I am. (I've gotta remind myself to come back to that idea in a bit) regardless....the girls were all just sharing stuff about high school and it was super cool to see them just helping each other out and making me a proud mama. it is crazyyyy how nutty the freshmen class is though. I feel so bad for these girls. it is really really tough, and I was a freshman only 3 years ago! it is ridiculous how much things have changed. but I have so much confidence in my girls and I know that they'll make smart choices. one of my girls was telling us about how she is really worried about this girl who posts depressing statuses about how everyone hates her. so she made sure that this girl knew that she would always be there if she wanted to talk. at first the girl held back, but now they chat a lot and she even tells her if she feels like hurting herself so that she can get her help. I can't imagine having all of that on my shoulders at 14.....wow. when I asked her why she decided to get involved, she just answered like it made total sense, "well if I didn't step in, then who would?" ahhh it just made me so proud. while I have been complaining about all of this with David, here's a 14 year old who is reaching out to people she barely knows that are upset. I only wish I could be as brave and strong as her. ok so side note; I am gonna make a jump back to my reference to me being a loud mouth. well last week at school a club put on an anti bullying presentation, and it was all about how people can percieve you the wrong way without getting to know you. we are all guilty of it, whether its intentional or not. the people in the club wore shirts that said "Hi! My Name is (blank)" and then chose a word to describe themselves based on how they thought others might view them. it was crazy to see how many awesome people think that people percieve them as horrible things. my bff pax called herself a "try hard", even though the first thing that comes to mind when I think of her is compassionate, driven, loving, and so smart (not just in school but in LIFE) so it got me thinking about how I would label myself. Julie told me that I shouldn't bother thinking about it since the point is that we should ignore those labels anyways. but I was too curious. it is harder than it looks to pin point yourself from other's points of view. of course I have an opinion of myself, but it's weird to think about the first thing that other people would think about you. I am most insecure about my "obnoxiousness" or as I like to call it (thanks to Julie's wisdom) my "eagerness" or passion about life. but basically I just have a loud mouth and have a tendency to not shut up when I should. I have gotten better at admitting when I'm wrong and keeping quiet when Im not, but it is hard. and it sucks but that is just who I am. I am annoying and loud and stubborn at times. but, that's not what defines me or should define me. so that would suck if that's how people labeled me. I'd rather not just be the loud girl who cares too much about school. anyways....tonight's song was a last minute choice. it's called "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North. yes, it is another religious song. I would apologize but I love this song and like I said, this blog is selfishly for ME. so here it is....

"Losing"

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Oh, no!

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

[x2]
Oh, Father won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Yeah, I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losin'

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

ok so I think this song is really cool because he is basically asking for the strength to forgive someone because he realizes that even though he might be right, it is so much easier to apologize and move on. he actually wants God to forgive people who have hurt him only because he knows that they simply don't know that they're doing. even though it may feel good temporarily to know that you're "right", eventually, you start to feel like you're the one "losing" since you just don't get any satisfaction from it. it takes a really strong person to ask for forgiveness of someone else's behalf. I can't even imagine praying and saying "God, please just forgive them. they're just lost and need some help." I love when he says, "Lord it doesn't feel right, for me to turn a blind eye.  I guess it's not that much, when I think of what you've done." like my friend was saying earlier, she didn't want to turn a blind eye to that girl that she saw was in pain. even though she barely knew her, she knew she needed to help. I am sure that poor girl has messed up before, but like the song says, someone as strong as my friend could ask for forgiveness. even though I don't think that  forgiveness should always be granted, it sure does seem like those who forgive live easier. I have always been envious of people who can seem so calm and not hold grudges. I really am working on it, but sometimes it is just too difficult. but when I hear this song, I am reminded that I AM THE ONE LOSING when I hold this grudge. even though people sometimes do stupid things and treat you like crap or break your trust, we all have a choice to make. we can either turn a blind eye and harbor hate in our hearts. or we can ask for grace to forgive so that we don't have to feel like we are losing. the music video for this song is super cool too. the lyrics are shown across the screen like it's a texting conversation between two people. and it starts off by saying, "I can't believe what she said. I can't believe what he did". when I hear that and especially when I see it as fake text messages in the video, I can't help but think about how much time I waste gossiping about what people have done and said recently. while I could be thinking about why they would do that and how I could help them be forgiven. I also love when the song says, "Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart? We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought. But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground" I often find myself bickering with people, like my mom, about dumb things, and we will just go back and forth for what seems like forever until someone gives in. my pride won't let me "lay my weapon down" and just move on. hate just doesn't fix anything when you think about it. I adopted another new attitude towards david today. so I realized that I have a very clear choice to make. I can either go on arguing with him and being hateful and just holding up my weapons. OR I can recognize that I really am the one losing while I am still being prideful. he doesn't know what he's doing or saying, and I should honestly ask for the grace to forgive him for how he has hurt me. don't get me wrong, that will NOT be easy. but that's my next step. I am ready to lay my weapon on the ground, even if he doesn't, and I don't wanna be the one losing anymore. I want to forgive. today I texted him and just asked how he was doing and told him that I hoped he had a nice day. he didn't seem too excited about it, but I really did feel better. ignoring him didn't work, so I finally see that you shouldn't choose hate. it doesn't get you anywhere. it's kinda like the whole "label" thing too. even though it is probably so easy to just "read" someone's label quickly and move on, it is best to try to uncover the real person underneath all of the fake perceptions. even if someone is labeled a slut or bitch or druggie, that doesn't mean that there isn't more to them. this song reminds me that everybody has done things that they regret, and sometimes we do things without even knowing what we are doing to hurt ourselves or other people. and that's where other people need to step in and ask for some grace to forgive those who have hurt them. ok so I need sleep but I actually like where this blog has ended up. moral of this blog is 1) take some time out of your busy schedule to have some heart to hearts (or whatever you prefer to call them) and help someone open up 2) be strong enough to ask for the grace to forgive. even if someone hurt you badly, just try to atleast start getting on track to forgive them. it might not be now, or a few years from now, or even in this lifetime. but, harboring hate won't help anything. andddd 3) DO NOT label yourself or others. even though I am loud and probably obnoxious, I refuse to label myself as anything but me. let your name tag simply read, "Hi! My Name Is (insert your name here)" (except you actually should insert your name). alrighty...have a lovely week my friends!

peace and blessings

xoxo
anonymous blogger


PS I forgot to mention that my friend's little sister who was in the car crash is doing really really well! and I hung out with said friend tonight and we saw pitch perfect which was amazing! and I saw Jacob which was nice too. I wish I could figure out my feelings for him but oh well. ok goodnight loves! :)