'cause there is a light in your eyes

peace. I feel at peace. there's just this feeling of serenity and bliss. I know it will probably be shortlived and can easily pass me by, but I am trying to absorb as much of it as I possibly can. I am feeling so relaxed that I'm even struggling to put words on this page. I feel like if I write too much and clutter it, then I'll take away from the simplicity and beauty and blissfulness that is this weekend. however, I want to try to share some of it so I'll write. It may not be as elegant as it could be, but I'm going to try my best. but before I talk about tis weekend, I need to back up a bit and set up the week prior. well, I was hoping to blog last weekend, however, I came home early from school on Friday with the stomach flu! WOOOO YIPPEE what fun!! I could hardly move on Friday let alone process thoughts and put them in writing. so instead I sat myself on the couch, watched TV, and slept a TON. oh and I got the honor of studying for my finals since I was bed ridden and nothing better to do. so I mean overall that was one of my fav weekends of my senior year thus far obviously! lolzzz no. it was quite rough. thankfully, I did recover from the flu, and I was all ready to kick some butt during finals week! woop woop! finals really weren't that bad this year. people joke that seniors "don't study" and don't care at all about their grades. but if you know me at all, then you can guess that clearly that wasn't me attitude. I was defininitely more chill about it this year, but I still put in time and energy. and by the end of the week, I was so mentally drained. my brain was a pile of mush. BUT I only had one final Thursday which meant that I got to go to breakfast with two of my favorite girls, which was lovely. then I just ran a bunch of little errands and eventually made my way over to Philip's house with my girl Mary. the three of us have been trying to spend time together for a really long time, but it never ended up just being us three. so somehow we managed to make it work on Thursday. we ate some of Philip's ice cream (because his family has about 10 cartons in their freezer at one time....no joke) and we just talked and laughed and enjoyed being with eachother. we ended up on the couch, of course, and were snuggling and kinda napping too...well atleast Mary was. It was pretty much the start to my peaceful attitude. lying there with two people that I care about so much about just made me feel full. full of happiness. full of joy. full of bliss. Bridget had said to me earlier that day that she couldn't eat any more of her breakfast because she was so full of happiness. I just thought that was amazing. you don't get a lot of time in life to do absolutely nothing and just hang with friends and be so full of good things. so after lying on Philip's couches and cuddling for a few hours, I made my way home and finished the day with two of my other favorite people, watching a movie. our little family was reunited, and it again made me feel complete and calm. Friday was very chill, with few obligations. me and two of my friends decided to take an adventure to find yummy froyo, and after our initial choice was closed, we ventured all the way to Naperville! it was just the best to not have to worry about how much time we had or what I had going on later that day. it was just us and our love for frozen yogurt motivating us. I had a poms game that night, and afterwards I was going to go to Jackie's house. unfortunately, I am no longer allowed to go anywhere that David is. so because he was going, I couldn't. my mom had a freak attack because David's family sent back our christmas card and scrawled "REFUSED" across the front with a huge "X" through it. it was awful. when I first saw it, I just held it and stared and stared and stared and stared. I didn't believe it. for all of those years, my family and I were supportive to David and to his family, but it became clear that they blame me for his problems. and there is no changing their thoughts. I don't know what prompted their actions, but by sending back that card, they made this into something so much bigger than David and I. it suddenly was an attack on my loved ones, and I will not have that. this is MY fight, not my parents or his parents. it doesn't and shouldn't involve them. my mom told me I would get in trouble if I ever talked to him again. even though it really hurt to be forced to shut him out of my life, it also felt empowering in a lot of ways. my mom reminded me that the David I was leaving behind is not the one that I fell in love with. it doesn't make much sense to me still, how this all happened I mean, but I trust that it's for a reason. so if it takes me unfriending him on Facebook, and blocking him on twitter and Instagram to stop the pain, then I'll do it. it seems so trivial, but it has helped a bit. just knowing that he can't see any of my life is somewhat comforting. I won't second guess what I post or think about how he might react to it. I can just live. it is sort of like a backwards way of answering my prayers. I've been asking for David's peace and happiness. maybe this is what will bring it....a life without me. if that's what he needs, then I'll give it to him. but anyways....that was a ridiculous tangent and I apologize. but clearly I couldn't go to Jackie's, so instead I went to Mary's and ended up cuddling with Philip again. and I found myself at peace once more. even though I lost David...his support, his love, his attention...I've gained so much more this year. I have a new, stronger support system, so much more genuine love, and deserved attention from those who want to listen to what I have to say. even just having someone like Philip be there for me is something to be thankful for. it's not the same as having a boyfriend, but it's still nice to have someone offering to be a shoulder to lean on, both figuratively and literally, of course. so this peace just continued throughout the weekend as I made my way to Stronghold with my church. we stay in a beautiful, magestical castle. it's 5 floors inside, complete with winding spiral staircases, hidden passageways, and knights in armor. on Saturday, I spent an hour just walking around outside with someone that I hadn't talked to in awhile. we used to be close but slowly grew apart over the years. we were somewhat forced to walk alone accidentally because we couldn't find the group. but I am really thankful for that. we were able to reconnect and just enjoy the beauty together. we even stumbled on this amazing little shack for arts and crafts. it was filled with encouraging scripture and quotes painted on wooden pieces scattered throughout. again, it just put me at ease. it was actually overwhelming to try to fill myself up with all of that glory and splendor. and on our walk back, I ran into another super sweet girl, and we just talked for hours as we walked in circles around the castle. we held hands and talked about boys and life and school and our futures and anything and everything it seemed like. I just felt so so so blessed to have that opportunity. seriously it couldn't have been more relaxing. and the best part is that other people spent their time doing different things...playing card games, resting in bed, playing hide and seek, snacking, etc. but everyone still was at peace. my favorite part of my free time was when I decided to do a devotional and take a walk alone. I figured I'd probably get lost since I am so directionally challenged. but I just followed one path and kept on it until I came to this small picnic table underneath this beautiful tree. I sat there with my bible and journal and I just spent time with God, with myself, with my surroundings. I complain about not being alone enough, but I was able to do it on Saturday. no one was around, and I was just worshipping in a meadow underneath this breathtaking tree as the sun set. it really was like something out of a movie. I won't forget it. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! the night became emotional when we did our senior meditations. the room was lit with beautiful candles that we had made, the lights were out, and everyone on the retreat was huddled close togther on the floor. one by one, each senior took a turn in the middle of the circle. we all reached out to touch that senior and we spoke to God about that person. we prayed to thank Him for putting them in our life, or just for showing us His love through them. it turns in to a huge sob fest as the seniors (that's ME) realize that we have to leave everyone soonish. it was powerful.
by the time it was my turn, my eyes were so dry, and I was convinced that I physically wouldnt be able to cry. but once the first person start talking and I heard her voice crack as she cried, I couldn't help but break down. over and over again, I heard people speak my name and thank God for allowing me to be part of their lives. it struck me how for each person, it was so clear what their gifts were from God. when people were talking about me, I was so amazed at how many said that I was a role model for them. that is the best compliment that I could recieve, in my opinion. I also heard lots of people say that I am sweet and easy to talk to about anything. that just made me so happy because I really really do LOVE to talk (as I am sure you're aware) and I want people to feel comfortable coming to me. but the very best compliment that I also kept recieving was regarding my strength and drive. numerous people said that they admired my strong faith and also strength of character. I have never really thought of myself of "strong". I often share my failures and admit when I'm a huge mess. but I kept hearing that people saw me as so strong. that was amazing. each person got their spirits lifted, and the night had a perfect end as we all cuddled in a few beds and stayed up late talking. I'm going to miss that next year. one song that comforts me and kept me sane during finals week is "Breathe In Breathe Out" by Mat Kearney....here it is....

Breathe In Breathe Out

Breathe in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubt
And everybody bleeds this way
Just the same

Breathe in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away
I would stay

We push and pull
And I fall down sometimes
And I'm not letting go
You hold the other line

'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
Hold on and hold tight
From out of your sight
And everything keeps movin' on, movin' on

Hold on, hold tight
Make it through another night
And everyday, there comes a song with the dawn

We push and pull
And I fall down sometimes
I'm not letting go
You hold the other line

'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out

Look left, look right
To the moon in the night
And everything under the stars
Is in your arms

'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
And there is a lie
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a ligh
tIn your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

first of all, this song was great for finals because when I was having a little moment of panic, I could just be super melodramatic and remind myself to "breathe in and breathe out". as dumb as it sounds, it actually helped. but what I mostly take away from this is the message of vulnerability. the opening lines are "Tell me all of your doubt. And everybody bleeds this way. Just the same". I like how the song reminds us that we all need be be vulnerable sometimes.  it is okay to say all that you are doubting. breathe in and breathe out and know that it can and will somehow work out. I also love the idea of there being a light in your eyes. this weekend we talked a lot about the holy spirit shining through other people. it can be hard to believe or understand if you don't believe in God or aren't religious. but I think it's more just about the concept that even the weakest people have some flicker of light in their eyes to hang on to. there is always a little bit more that we can give. sometimes all it takes is someone to recognize that and help make that light shine. tonight I also attended a really cool worship service for all youth groups in the area. and the youth pastor spoke about the concept of identity and answering the question, "Who am I?" would I be able to answer the question? and would my answer be changed based on what I do or what I have? it can be really difficult to define yourself. the pastor basically wanted to articulate the idea that we all have worth, and it shouldn't be clear as of now what we are "put on Earth for". and you won't neccesarily know after you decide where you'll go to college, or after you choose a profession, or even after you have a family. it takes TIME. as long as you understand that you are not defined by one thing, nor are you stuck based on what you do or say. it's about what you believe and how that light shines. this is probably so corny and bleghhhhh but I don't really care because that's how blissful I am. I thought it was kind of ironic how I finished my night watching The Breakfast Club. and in it, a group of misfits try to answer that exact question that the youth pastor posed....Who am I? in the end they realize that each of them is a blend of different qualities and they can't and shouldn't be stuck in one way. and I agree with that. high school is crazy because in the grand scheme of life, we are so so so young. yet people expect us to be mature and organize our futures, etc. etc. etc. I don't always know who I am or what the future holds. but after experiencing a weekend of peace like the one I've had, I am confident that God has great plans for me. I am strong. I am driven. I am compassionate. I am wonderfully and beautifully made.
 
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anonymous blogger
 
p.s. I really don't feel that anonymous anymore...but it feels sorta bad ass to sign off under that name so I'll continue to do it ;)

on my own I'm only half of what I could be

HEY. I am blogging. woop woop. and it is the last night of winter break. well I guess there's Sunday night but I'm not counting that at all because I can't stay up late tomorrow night. the past week of break has been pretty wonderful. I guess this blog can be a little reflection on winter break and maybe even my life in general right now. I'd have to say that this break was the best one I've ever had. that's a large statement to make, and I'm aware of that. but after thinking about it, I can honestly say it's been my favorite one to date. I tried to remember what I even did last winter break and I had no idea. all I know is that I finally discovered Friends for the first time....and that was pretty magical. but besides that, nothing really sticks out in my mind. but this break was memorable for several reasons. for starters, it was my last winter break as a high schooler. next year when I come home, it'll be from college. and going off of that...I think that's why this break was extra special. I actually spent it with all of my close friends (except for a few who ditched me on vacations for the whole break). even though I didn't do a ton of crazy things, I was with people that mean a lot to me in my life right now. it is really weird to imagine my life without these people next year. I mean I know that my friends that I'm really close with will still be around in a year, even if we are miles apart. but it won't be the same. I'm excited to have lots of new experiences to share with everyone and new friends and all, but I finally feel like I've found the best support system in the world....and I have to leave it behind. so this break was all about cherishing those people that have come to make up my support system. many nights were spent cuddling on couches, laughing, shamelessly eating icecream, etc. oh and I discovered yoga which was nice too! and I got my guy friend to come....that was certainly interesting! I also just recognized how quickly things can change. over the past two weeks, I've randomly seen different sides of people, and I've learned that life is pretty fragile. obviously I've always known that things often flip from awesome to shitty really quickly, but I've just noticed it alot more recently. but then again, even though life sometimes turns to shit, there is just SO much more of it to look forward to. gahhhh I am being way too philosophical but whatever. I started thinking about how I am only 17 and haven't even survived two full decades....that's nothing. It's crazy how I often feel overwhelmed and upset and panicked...and I forget that there is a lot more to come. there will be plenty of much crappier moments in the future, but then again, there will be some amazing ones too. so instead of complaining and moping, I've tried to think over this break about how things will turn themselves around in time. sometimes it takes a little bit longer than we'd like...but there is plenty of time left in our lives. I've learned to laugh at my ignorance and innocence too. I act like I know everything, and sometimes I feel like life is just turning against me. but when it really comes down to it....I am still just 17 and emotional and pretty dumb. I'm not sure what age one has to be to decide that they're allowed to be pissed at how life has treated them...cause I have a feeling it isn't 17. especially when I have so much more to experience. people say that 17 is an amazing age....no real responsibilities, not yet an adult but still fairly free to do what you want, etc., etc. and hey....I'll agree that being 17 is swell. but I like to think about how if I'm lucky, I could still have atleast 60+ years to live. SIXTY FREAKING YEARS! that's 6 decades....and I've only survived a little more than one and a half. gosh now I am rambling that I always do. hmmmm how to tie this back to break.....? well pretty much, I've realized that things will continue to change over time and there's a lot that lies ahead in my future and that of my friends. but instead of worrying about it, I'm choosing to see it as a positive thing. a future means more time for learning, growing, relationships, love, pain, etc. one of my close friends had a lot of shit thrown at him at once and was feeling lost. I wish I could've explained this to him better....but I was trying to accentuate this idea of the 6+ decades to live thing. cause even though life might be sucky and annoying right now....it could very easily be fantastic in a month. I am so happy to have had a great break, and even though going back to school is the worst, I know that soon enough I will be very happy again. so tonight's song is a little bit of a country twist. I really don't think that I like country...but a friend told me to listen and made me a playlist. so I did....and randomly now I enjoy a lot of it. I hate to admit it but it's true. so here is "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton...(also equally as great is the version by Dave Barnes....)

"God Gave Me You"

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

There's more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you
Yeah!

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm onlyHalf of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you
He gave me you

alright so this one is pretty self explanatory....I don't have one specific person in mind when I listen to this song. I am very blessed and a lot of people in my life that are gifts from God. over break I've recognized even more how I wouldn't be myself without these people. I find it amazing how there are people out there who want to listen to what I have to say and will hear me complain simply because they want to help me. a few nights ago, I was having a mini meltdown, and I didn't know who to talk to. I didn't really feel like bugging anyone, and it was also 1:30am. usually I talk to Julie when I'm sad, but she was having such a wonderful night and I didn't wanna bug her. so I texted someone different....thinking he'd be asleep. but miraculously, he was awake. and even though he had no idea what I was going on and on about, he listened to me and offered all of the advice that he could. he stayed up until 2:30am with me. that was really cool. and the next day I was thinking about how there were a bunch of other people that I could've gone to for help too. not everyone has that, so I truly am thankful. when I am lost or doubting things, I always have people to turn to. I wish I could listen to that song and think of someone in particular everytime....but it is actually pretty cool that it changes depending on what's going on in my life. I'd probably be able to think about every one of you when I listen to it. so it is flippin late right now and I should probably sleep. but to conclude I'd just like to say that I love all of the people who read this (all 5 of you....maybe less, who knows?!) and I know that God gave me each one of you for a reason. at some point, if I haven't already come to you, I'll need you, and I know that you'll give me support. (or not....that'd be awkward but I guess it's a possibility) and it goes both ways. even though things are likely to change and next year over winter break, I could have a bunch of new friends to be thankful for, I will always still be there for all of you. so thank you for making me smile and giving me such an awesome break.

He gave me you.


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