you'll never beat, but you'll never break

so, I'm writing. this is kind of strange, but I am so happy to be trying this out again! a whole lot has happened since my last post in June. I wrote about how Zack was leaving for college and how it was weird to think about everyone starting their own adventures in new places.  at the time, the idea of college was still feeling very surreal. I truly had no grasp of what I was getting myself in to. honestly, I was pretty scared of leaving. as much as I told everyone that I was excited and "ready", I didn't know what the heck that meant. I had finally set up the perfect group of people at home that made me so happy, I felt like I was at peace with things, and I was NOT ready to shake things up. of course, I was definitely excited for new adventures and people and places and experiences. but I didn't really know what, or who, was waiting for me down the road. that's such a surreal thing....knowing that people who are going to become your best friends are just out there....waiting to meet you. the goodbyes were full of tears and hugs and sadness. I was feeling heartbroken. I spent nearly everyday of my summer with the same beautiful people, and then I had to leave them for over 3 months. just thinking about it now makes me upset. at the time, it felt like the end of the world. my heart hurt because I just love my friends so much and I couldn't really process the idea of not being with them for more than a few days, weeks, months. I can't believe I am honestly tearing up right now just writing this! I got on the airplane to leave for school, and on my way to New Orleans, I sat next to two other girls who were Tulane bound as well. I'll never forget them talking about how excited they were for school and how their summer was boring because they were just waiting around to leave. one of the girls had even snuck a "water bottle" ;) into her suitcase so that she could party right away when she got to school. the girls talked about meeting cute boys and their roommates and new friends etc. I just kind of sat there and listened. at one point during the flight, I pulled out a whole stack of envelopes. the girl next to me asked me what was inside. I explained that my friends had written me notes to open when I was on my way to school. the other girl whipped her head towards me and said "wait what?" both of the girls were shocked that we wrote eachother letters. I remember opening Greta's note and just laughing at all of her quirky jokes. even though just a few minutes prior the other girls had been the giddy ones, they started to seem a little less cheery. suddenly, I was the one who was talking. I told them all about my wonderful best friends and how it was so hard to say goodbye to everyone. I told them how we would all get together almost every night and hug another girl as she prepared to leave the next day. it was the first time that I realized that not everyone was blessed with as wonderful of friends as I was. of course I have always felt thankful for my friends and we would talk about how we just got so lucky. but I guess I never realized that so many girls would be excited to go to school to move on, make new friends, and start over. I really had no interest in "starting over"....I was so completely content with my life and my people and such....the thought of having to "redo" everything was terrifying.

when I got to school, I started to realize that I could truly "be whoever I wanted to be". as cliche and dumb as it sounds, it's very true. no one at Tulane knew me. I had no "bad blood" with anyone at all. I kept thinking, "this is my chance to be just as sweet as Jill, just as giving as Julie, just as outgoing as Bridget, etc" I adopted this attitude quite a bit for the first few weeks of school. it was fun to feel like I didn't have to be stuck with being me. no one at school knew anything about my past....I could pick and choose what I told people and who I told things too. it was kind of like an exciting new game. however, I quickly realized that I was the big loser in this "game" of mine. in trying to be like other people, I was just making it even more difficult to meet people. slowly, as I got to know people better, it became apparent that despite my efforts, my true personality came through. of course, I opened up about my past and who I am fairly quickly and with a wide assortment of pretty cool people that I grew to trust. It was amusing that I had thought I could hide things about myself or pretend to be someone that I'm not. it just wouldn't work. even though I did make a lot of friends, I wish that someone would've warned me that it wouldn't be easy and that it would definitely take some time. I remember sitting in my room, crying for no reason at all, just because I was feeling lost and overwhelmed. these weren't my people....we didn't talk about stars and snuggle and laugh and run around like idiots. we didn't sit at the tops of hills and bake cookies and sing terrible music at the top of our lungs. we didn't do any of these things. instead, we engaged in awkward small talk, bonded over crown russe, and tried to act like it was all very comfortable. finally, one day I couldn't take it anymore. I went right into my friend Althea's room, and I told her the truth; I was sad. I missed my friends so so so much, I missed the comfort of home, I missed my daily hugs, I missed feeling loved, I missed my puppy...I missed it all. she confided in me and told me that she felt the exact same way. that night, we snuggled in her bed and watched pretty little liars together. she was one of my first "real" friends at school. going forward, I started being completely honest with people. I'd admit when I was sad, I'd openly admit when I was crushing on someone, I'd laugh at silly things, and pretty soon, I realized that I was loving college. I kept a journal while I was at school, and I remember writing one Sunday night that I had decided that I "officially loved college". finally it felt like home. 

my friend Jakob was one of the first people to give me a "real" hug at school...he loves to talk and give hugs and listen. he shared this beautiful song with me, and it always reminds me of my feelings about change and leaving for college. it's called "Hello My Old Heart" by the Oh Hello's....

Hello my old heart
How have you been?
Are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried, you've been so still
Barely beating at all

Oh, don't leave me here alone
Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while
Oh, I don't wanna be alone
I wanna find a home and I wanna share it with you

Hello my old heart
It's been so long since I've given you away
And every day I add another stone to the walls I've built around you to keep you safe

Oh, don't leave me here alone
Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while
Oh, I don't wanna be alone
I wanna find a home and I wanna share it with you

Hello my old heart
How have you been?
How is it being locked away?
Don't you worry, in there you're safe
And it's true, you'll never beat, but you'll never break

Nothing lasts forever
Some things aren't meant to be
But you'll never find the answers till you set your old heart free
Till you set your old heart free

Hello my old heart
Hello my old heart

Hello my old heart
Hello my old heart

when I first got to school, I was 100% hanging on to my old heart. I was worried that if I moved on (made new friends, crushed on a cute boy, etc) that I would lose the strong relationships that I made at all. I felt like I was alone in this new journey. everytime I made a close friend, I'd compare them to someone at home, and I'd either feel guilty or I'd feel like this new friend wasn't good enough. I truly was building walls around my heart. I didn't want to let anyone in...I'd brag about my friends and my wonderful home life and everything in between. then I realized that by locking away my old heart, I wasn't protecting myself at all. by not allowing myself to love and be loved by anyone else, I was isolating myself. like the song says, "you'll never beat, but you'll never break". of course, if I never tried to make new relationships and open my heart to new experiences, I could just continue protecting an old heart. but my heart would never beat, meaning that no life would pump through my veins and my body. I'd essentially be in a limbo of sorts, not going in one direction or another. of course, by giving away my old heart and starting fresh, I was opening myself up to the possibility of getting hurt. I knew that it wasn't going to be simple, but I finally realized that it would be worth it. I realized that I didn't have to forget about all of the things that my old heart held. I could hold onto the special people who made my days so bright, and I could cherish those wonderful memories, and I could still continue to have parts of my "old life". but at the same time, my new friends and experiences could simply be extensions of the amazing things that I was already blessed with. as the song says, "you'll never find the answers until you set your old heart free". I needed to rid myself of the memories and people that were holding me back. I didn't have to worry about anyone who didn't want to put time into maintaining our friendship. I focused on people who would receive and also give love in return, and I was happier than I'd ever been. not only did I get to have my best friends from home, but I was also forming so many new, special friendships at school.

it really is crazy how many things can change. one day, you think that someone is flawless and wonderful and all other great things. the next day, you can realize that you were totally wrong. while at school, I was lucky enough to meet someone who helped me realize that there are still some good ones left out there. my friend Sam brightened my days over the past 4 months more than anyone else at school. despite some serious family struggles of his own, he always managed to smile and care about other people. after a sad day or a happy day or just a "blah" day, Sam would be the best person to talk to to just put everything into perspective. it's people like Sam that kept me going and gave me some hope. by the end of the semester, I finally felt like I was in such a good place. I was ready to go home and see my beautiful best friends, but I also was sad to leave behind some new friends that I've made. If my first semester has taught me anything, its to have more faith that things will work out but also to be proactive. you can't sit around and wait for things to get better. you can either passively accept your situation, or you can actively work to improve it. and you can do all of this with a smile. leaving your old heart behind doesn't have to mean that you forget about your past. it means that you blend your past with your new experiences. you cherish ALL of the people in your life, old and new. and you always remember that people come first. there is always room for more relationships, always time to listen to someone in need, always open arms for hugs. 

xoxo

anonymous blogger 

HELLO MY OLD HEART!!! 

and I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain

bittersweet. that seems to be the word I keep finding myself gravitating towards. it's like a good news/bad news situation. you always have to hear the bad news first before you get the good news. and today the bad news was that zack had to leave for college. but at the same time, it's good news because he's starting such an amazing experience and going on an incredible journey. of course, I don't need to tell him that and neither does anyone else. he's wanted this for his entire life, and then boom, the day is here and it's hard to go. it'd be easy to just stay home, stay in the same, comfortable routine...return to roam those familiar hallways in the fall, sit in your chair at the kitchen table for dinner, curl up in your bed at night, tell the same jokes with your best friends. it'd be comfortable, but something would be missing. where's the excitement in that? the adventure? I know it's easier said than done, but I admire people that can just step out of their comfort zones and trust themselves on new adventures. it's absolutely terrifying to leave home and start over and have to learn to be independent long before any of your friends have to go. but I completely admire all student athletes that are going for it. I could run at Tulane, but I've chickened out because I know it'd be too much for me. I'm too scared to try it and fail. but my friends that are competing in college are not only goin for it, but they're also leaving the security of their homes and saying goodbye so much earlier. that's tough. thankfully, zack won't be too far away. I can easily visit him and he could come home if he wanted to. but it's still a huge adjustment. I kept trying to be as supportive as possible by joking with him and poking fun since he really isn't going that far away. I was trying to justify why he shouldn't be worried. I was trying to be the strong, reassuring one. I realize now that my mom was doing the same for me. she kept telling me how it'll be  totally fine once zack leaves and how it'll be so easy to see him regularly. she tried to make me feel less panicked too. but once the reality of zack leaving set in today, I wasn't feeling so hot. zack is a sensitive guy, no doubt about it, but it's not like he openly cries regularly. seeing him be sad was one of the hardest things. I wanted to be his rock and keep telling him that he was being silly for worrying so much. but to be completely honest, I'm a little scared too. I'm nervous for him because even though I am 100% positive that he'll love it and do so well, I know it's not going to be easy. and selfishly, I'll miss him a lot. yesterday all of his close friends got together and said goodbye to him. it never ceases to amaze me how well the guys get along. they just complete eachother. it's so fun to just watch them be complete idiots...they love eachother so much. it's awesome. zack told me that he just hopes people don't forget about him. I was taken back when I heard him say that....it's not possible to forget about such a loving, sweet guy. it was great to see how much his guys supported him, and I know they're not going anywhere. bridget and paige made zack these super sweet notes with watercolors and glitter etc etc. I could tell that it meant a lot to him that people cared so much. I made him a tie blanket and made him a cool card (if I do say so myself). again, it seems so crazy that we go so above and beyond, but zack is a guy that's worth it. and it's just a big deal to be leaving. and we care. tonight I just cuddled with him for a few hours and talked and stuff. it was exactly what he wanted and I can't complain (his hugs are the best). what was weird to think about is that I've been anticipating this day for a long time now. I still remember when zack and I had the conversation about whether we should officially "date" or not. we knew that he had to leave early on in the summer, and I remember talking to people about it and how I wasn't sure if it would be worth it. of course, I decided to go along with it, and I told myself I just wouldn't get "too attached".....oops. that failed miserably. but here we are, 3 months later, and we're staying together. life is crazy in that way. I never could've guessed that someone like zack would come into my life and that I'd be writing something like this. I feel pretty dumb for sharing this all right now but I guess it's just what's on my mind, and again, I doubt anyone is reading this anyways. and if they are, then they can probably handle what I have to say anyways :) but basically, zack just has a way of making people feel special and loved and cared about. of course he says goofy things and has no filter, but that's what makes people drawn to him. he has a huge heart and isn't afraid of embarrassment. I don't think I've ever met anyone who's as upfront and sure of himself. he always seems to know what he wants to say. as if I couldn't tell by the way he treats me, he just wanted to reiterate multiple times tonight how much he cares about me and how much I make him smile. I just feel lucky to have him and also excited about supporting him through his new adventure. tonight's song is I Lived by OneRepublic. here it is....

I Lived

Hope when you take that jump,You don't feel the fall.Hope when the water rises,You build a wall.
Hope when the crowd screams outIt's screaming your nameHope if everybody runsYou choose to stay
Hope that you fall in loveAnd it hurts so badThe only way you can knowIs give it all you have
And I hope that you don't sufferBut take the painHope when the moment comes, you'll say
I..... I did it allI..... I did it allI owned every second that this world could giveI saw so many placesThe things that I didYeah, worth every broken boneI swear I lived
Hope that you spend your daysBut they all add upAnd when that sun goes downHope you raise your cupOh, oh
I wish that I could witnessAll your joyAnd all your painBut until my moment comesI'll say
I....I did it allI....I did it allI owned every second that this world could giveI saw so many placesThe things that I didYeah worth every broken boneI swear I lived
Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh (x4)
Worth every broken boneI swear I livedWorth every broken boneI swear I
I....I did it allI....I did it allI owned every second that this world could giveI saw so many placesThe things that I didYeah worth every broken boneI swear I lived
Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh (x2)I swear I lived
so to go back to the idea of pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone, I feel like this song is super relevant to my life, zack's life, and the lives of my friends that are college bound. if we keep worrying about our futures and stay focused on trying to replicate the good things that we found in the past (like old friendships, hobbies, etc) then we won't be living fulfilled lives. when I'm old and gray, I want to be able to say, I swear I lived. not only does it sound super bad ass, but it means that I really gave it my all and did some things that I wasn't always planning on doing. I took some risks, and I embraced the outcomes of my situations.  I really love how the first line says "Hope when you take that jump, you don't feel the fall." I know that this is a huge jump for zack, and I know that so far, he's had that feeling of dread right before you're about to drop down on a rollercoaster or about to jump into a freezing pool. but what I hope for him is that he isn't focused so much on that fall....the one that makes your stomach twist and your hair stick straight up. I hope that he instead prepares himself for the landing...the rush you feel when you finally reorient yourself and resurface in that cold water. my other favorite part is "I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain". I really like to be involved in everyone's lives...sometimes a little too much. I know that it's going to be hard for me to not be able to give zack a big hug when he needs one or see him light up when he sees the field for the first time as a wildcat. but I know that he's going to be living and that's what's important. until my time comes, I'll have to just know that I'm doing the same thing, but just having some different experiences. and of course, I hope for his sake that he doesn't suffer, but "takes the pain" because he's going to come out so much stronger, mentally, physically, and emotionally after his journey. and I'm so looking forward to seeing him shine. so moral of the blog would be that it's totally okay to step out of your comfort zone. in fact, I highly recommend it. I'm still working on being brave, but I'm so lucky to have found someone like zack who motivates me to be a better person and who shows me what it means to be selfless and dedicated. I really hope that when you take that jump, you won't feel the fall. remember that one day you hope to say, I swear I lived. 
<3 <3 <3anonymous blogger 

I’ve been waiting to smile

HEY WORLD!! I am officially commencing summer blogging season. I'm going to do my best to write almost every night because writing was such a big part of my summer last year, and now that I have more time, I'm so ready to bring it back. oh ya, by the way, it's SUMMER TIME!! I did it. I graduated high school....it's not like I ever thought that I wouldn't graduate, but it's still very surreal that it's all over. four years in that same building and now I'm done. the teachers now see us as "Alumni" and act like we're adults. it's weird but fun. the last few weeks were extremely nostalgic as we all looked back on our time in high school and acted as if we were dying or something. seriously though, people say goodbye to you as if you are never ever coming back. frankly, it's terrifying. it makes you feel like maybe they're right. maybe, just maybe, you won't come back. you'll get so caught up in college that you'll forget about your washed up hometown. or maybe you'll just come back "changed". everyone says that college will change you, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for that change. four years of high school changed me plenty, and I'm not ready to do that again. besides, how much "changing" is left really? are we changing for the rest of our lives? I'd say I'm fairly comfortable with who I've become, and I don't imagine myself becoming totally different. maybe I'm wrong. scratch that, I know I'm wrong because I'm going to change. but it's just weird to think about. anyways, back to graduation. so the actual night of graduation wasn't anything too special. it had to be held inside which kinda sucked because it's way better outside. regardless, it was nice and pretty surreal. I was just glad that we made it there and could celebrate being together and the crazy futures in store for everyone. but the true nostalgia was leading up to graduation. I know I've said this before, but it was really hard to start realizing that this was IT. so many lasts at school and so many awesome people that you'll likely never see again. last lunches, last classes, last awkward "good morning honey!" from Mrs. Hall, last passing period hang outs, last bells, last before school chillin, last pledge of allegiance, last hugs from friends in the halls, last waving at underclassmen, last locker stops, last tests, last homework assignments, last tardy passes, last drinking fountain fill ups, last bathroom runs....well I think you get it. anyways, every thing that I did became a "last". I couldn't help myself....I became fixated on this "end". the journey was over. again, it was as if we were dead.
thankfully, i'm alive. no worries.
and I have an entire wonderful summer to spend with these people that I am so worried about leaving behind so I am definitely going to take advantage of that. I've already made a summer bucket list of things to accomplish this summer and I've gotten to check off a few things already. so that's exciting! but honestly, as cliche as this sounds, it doesn't matter as much what I'm doing, but rather who I'm doing things with (to quote the wonderful movie Aquamarine) it sounds SO dumb. but high school was great not because of the small accomplishments, but because of the people that impacted my every day life. life would be nothing without other people. I know it seems dumb to point out because it is so obvious, but I don't think life would be worth living without other people in your life. as I've said, I'm not good alone so that probably influences me since I would never want to be by myself. but it's more than that. it's the fact that experiences are wonderful because of how people impact the situation. my favorite classes of all time are those that either had amazing people in them or had a super great teacher. I'm not trying to say that humans are the most wonderful creation ever and blah blah blah. I guess what I'm saying is that I am so thankful for the PEOPLE that have been part of my journey. the memories that I hold dear to me are the ones with those crazy, loving, joyous, beautiful people that impacted me somehow along the way. right about now, I'm on top of the world.

                                                    On Top of the World
                                                       Imagine Dragons

If you love somebody
Better tell them while they’re here ’cause
They just may run away from you

You’ll never know quite when, well
Then again it just depends on
How long of time is left for you

I’ve had the highest mountains
I’ve had the deepest rivers
You can have it all but life keeps moving

I take it in but don’t look down

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

I’ve tried to cut these corners
Try to take the easy way out
I kept on falling short of something

I coulda gave up then but
Then again I couldn’t have ’cause
I’ve traveled all this way for something

I take it in but don’t look down

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

Oooooooo... OoooAhhhhhOoooAhhhhh[2x]

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

for someone that maybe isn't quite as blissful as I am at the moment, I know that this song probably is terribly aggravating. it is overly cheerful, but that doesn't mean that I don't love it. I'd be lying if I said that this song doesn't annoy me. It definitely can get frustrating to hear someone say that they're "on top of the world" and everything is just so perfect. but you know what, I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm on top of the world. not because I finished high school, not because it's summer, not because I don't have to worry about stupid things, not because I'm going to college, but because I am surrounded by amazing people, and I am blessed. before I started writing this post, I finally read the messages that people wrote in my yearbook this year. I was in awe of how many people said such sweet things. and it hit me, my high school experience wasn't about the dumb club pictures or the countless hours I wasted pretending to study for something. it was about those people whose words fill the pages of my yearbook. that was the point. without my best friends to support me, I'd be nowhere. without the goons in my classes that reminded me to let loose, I would've gone crazy. without my teachers that both supported me and pissed me off like no other, I wouldn't be as intellectually curious and driven. without my parents and family who always cheered for me, I'd be a mess. without my freshmen, that looked up to me as their superhero, I'd feel like a failure. without my juniors, who gave and continue to give me so much wisdom and comfort, I'd be hurting. without those who decided to listen to me, to care about me, to tell me the truth, to trust in me, to treat me with respect, I wouldn't be myself. gosh this must be so cliche, but I can't say that I care that much. because it is all the truth. my experiences in high school have really shaped me. It was a long process. like the song says, I've been "waiting on this for awhile. paying my dues to the dirt. I've been waiting to smile". It's time to smile and smile BIG. not only did I graduate, but I collected so many people along the way. I also really like the part in this song that reminds you to tell somebody if you love them because you don't know how much time is left for you. I've tried lately to shower my friends and family with extra love. here's to you, people that have made my years so worthwhile!! the coolest thing is that even though people say high school is "over" and we feel like we're "dying", I don't think this is the case. since high school to me was all about how people in my life shaped me, I'll continue to grow since I'll have these people with me. of course I'm leaving a lot of people behind, but I'll always come home, and I'll meet more people that can shape my life. and I'm thankful for that. to finish, I'd like to recap some big changes in my life since freshman year just for funzies. here goes nothing!!

anxious, insecure, panicked freshman.....confident, (relatively) relaxed, happy graduate
thought I wanted to play soccer.......finished MVP of my track team
started with a giant group of friends and didn't have a best friend......finally can call a smaller group of girls the most amazing people that I know
had no guy friends.....finally have some guy friends and love them so much
dating David and figured no one would like me if I ever broke up with him....found a guy that cares about me and treats me better than anyone else :)
had never even heard of Tulane.......going to New Orleans in the fall to attend Tulane
grew up with my best friend living in Australia......going to college with this same girl next fall
had no idea who God was or what Jesus went through.....follower of Christ and YL leader
judged so many people........now accepting of way more people
harsh critic of my body and my image......mostly loving towards myself and my body
a different person in different situations..............myself in all cases
always worried about being annoying.........embracing my quirks and my "annoying" nature and I love it
saw myself as a loud mouth........being loud and proud
I remember feeling weird hugging people..........hug anyone and everyone who needs some love (in a non creepy way)
had never listened to anything but pop music.....so much more curious about music and also a christian music fan
had never touched an iphone.....addicted to my phone (bad bad bad!)
didn't know a lot of people that have now impacted my life more than I can explain
used to stalk abby as a joke.......she's one of my closest friends
thought I knew who I was and thought I was happy........boy was I wrong

I could go on and on........but I'll just end by saying that I am so lucky to have had the best four years of my life, especially this past year. but really, this post is all about the PEOPLE that made it so great. I truly am on top of the world.

<3 <3 <3 
anonymous blogger 

the hand holds on while the heart is letting go

so I was almost afraid to write this blog for a variety of reasons. to start, I haven't written in a very long time cause of so many different things. but I guess I just got used to not writing, and it seemed like it'd be too hard to jump back in. I know that I don't write this blog for anyone really, so it's not like I feel some need to impress. but I do try to make each post somewhat meaningful so that if you choose to read what I have to say, you can actually take away something worthwhile from it. but beyond that, I was afraid to write this blog because it's hard to talk about. it's all about goodbyes. I am officially nearing the end of my senior year....crazy isn't it? how did I let all of that time pass? I know that I enjoyed it fully and I have LOVED this past year. loved it more than anything....but I think that's what's making this so difficult. I know I am ready to go to Tulane, and I am so excited about it. but it just hit me hard today that so many things that I care so much about are ending. I've already been to two senior proms, I've given a senior testimony at YL club, I said goodbye to my cube at youth group, I've taken two AP tests and a final, and tonight I ran in my last sectional track meet. I know that I should just be living in the now and not looking back at all of these things, wishing I could go back. don't get me wrong, I am more than satisfied with how things are going right now for me. I clearly have the most wonderful friends ever, and I randomly have a great boyfriend now too. I have so much support and guidance and love and patience and positivity.  but I can't help but feel mopey and greedy sometimes because I start to dread leaving all of this behind. tonight at my track meet, I saw girls, like Julie, compete for the very last time....EVER. that was just too weird to see.  as much as I love the idea of college, I also love the idea of being with my friends.  part of the experience is definitely getting to know new people and stuff, but I don't want new people as of now.  I am so content, no, scratch that, more than content (blissful) with my current friends.  how will anyone compare to them? and I know and will admit that I can be jealous. the minute I see one of my friends being buddy buddy with a new friend, then I will become weird about it. ahhhh this is just so much to think about right now.  and I know that I have "all summer", but it's going to fly.  I am trying so hard to "appreciate" everything, but I don't even know where to begin. it sucks because as of tomorrow, I will only have about 11 days on school left. of course I am ready to be done, but I want to somehow appreciate these final days. should I do something crazy and take a selfie with Mrs. Hall? or finally ask Monopoly man what the hell he is writing about in that stupid pad of his? or just wave at all of the people that I probably will never see again? I can think about all of these things now, while I write in my bed, but when I get to school, I waste the day complaining about how we're trapped in a prison. I'm taking tests and I'm just trying to get by. I'm taking it for granted that I get to see all of these wonderful people that make me smile. I only have 11 more bags of cereal to bring for Philip, 11 more pledges with Pohlman, 11 more days of Freiler's lectures....it's just nutty. I know that I am 100% being way too overdramatic but I don't really care. it's crazy to think that last year at this time, I was SO excited about senior year and everything in the future. now I'm scared. I want to pause, rewind, keep myself from moving forward. up until now, I hadn't even been thinking about the end. I was just kind of living day by day, not acknowledging the fact that in a month, my boyfriend will already be at college, my friends will be working full time, and soon we will be apart. and one of the hardest parts is leaving behind my friends that are juniors this year. while it's tough to separate from my girls, atleast I know that they too are going to college and are experiencing new things. the juniors, on the other hand, are still at school, trying to make sense of it all. of course they will have amazing, fulfilling senior years, but I know it'll be so weird without them. at the meet, Betsy and I just held eachother and wept because it was our last meet together. thinking about her running without me next year is just too strange. I know that God has plans for myself and for her and for all of my classmates, but I don't like having to be so patient to discover what these plans may be. gahhhh it's times like these when I wish that I wasn't such an analyzer. I know that I am thinking way too much into this, but I guess I don't want to look back and think that I forgot to do something crucial before I left or something. and I guess it's a good thing that I have loved my experience over the past years and that I love the people in my life right? happiness yo....!! so this song was playing in Bridget's car on Friday (the night that I started this post) and it made me cry....so here it is

Beginning of the End

There's a phone call on a dark night
A long broken goodbye
An empty hand is wondering where to go
There's a right way and a wrong way
To walk down a lonely highway
And I've been on both sides of the road

Now I'm caught in the middle of in and out of love (love)
And either way I turn, I just don't have enough
Between what might be and what has been
Feels like the beginning, feels like the beginning of the end
Oh, the beginning of the end, oh

And I can't find any reason, only complicated feelings
Looking for the man you used to know
And it's not fair where I'm standing
And it's nothing like I planned it
The hand holds on while the heart is letting go

And now I'm caught in the middle of in and out of love (love)
And either way I turn, I just don't have enough
Between what might be and what has been
Feels like the beginning, feels like the beginning of the end
Oh, the beginning of the end, oh (x2)
There's a phone call on a dark night
A long heart-broken goodbye
An empty hand is wondering where to go.

okay so clearly this song is about a broken relationship and not at all about graduating high school and going to college. but I just heard this and automatically made it about my situation (I tend to do that). I've been listening to it on repeat like I always do when I write a post, and the part of the song that always gets me is "The hand holds on while the heart is letting go". I feel like I am trying so hard to hold on to every aspect of my current life because I am so afraid that it'll never be as good as it is now. it's too good to be true. I find myself looking at pictures of my friends and I every day, texting and skyping and calling the people that I love so much, and doing it just so that I can hold onto this happiness that is NOW. but I know my heart is letting go too. I'm realizing that I can't possibly stay close with every one of my friends. it sucks, but it's true. those people that I'm not super close to will probably fall through the cracks. and for that reason, I'm caught in the middle of in and out of love. I love my friends so so so much, but I know that realistically, I'll have to fill my heart with new people soon. not to say that anyone has to be replaced, but sometime you're just caught in them middle of drifting in and out. we're all kind of on our way out. this weekend showed me that it's officially the beginning of the end of my journey. that's really scary and hard to admit, but it's true. I know that this post has been super depressing and dumb, but there's a good part coming, I promise. so the song says that "There's a right way and a wrong way to walk down a lonely highway". as of now, I am definitely walking the wrong way down this lonely highway. instead of moping about how I have to leave behind things and people that I love, I know that I need to be filling my empty hands with all of this happiness and love and saving it. just because I am happy now doesn't mean that I won't ever feel this way again in the future. life certainly has surprised me this year, and God has thrown me plenty of curve balls. I have been so blessed, and I don't see what this has to end anytime soon. I gave a senior testimony at young life club a few weeks ago, and I told everyone that I was done being so anxious about the future. I think that I might have fibbed a bit because I still am worried and scared and anxious. but, like I said, I am so lucky to have amazing people to help me out on this new road, and I am confident in God's plan for me. so what if I have to be patient? it'll be worth it. so as some advice for anyone else feeling a little lost, remember that this journey is nowhere near over. sure, you may be ending your high school career, but that just means that you are beginning another crazy, beautiful chapter of your life, and that's pretty great. thank you to everyone who has impacted my life over the past four years, and I promise that I will do everything in my power to make you part of my next chapter and future chapters to come.

xoxo
anonymous blogger <3

here comes the sun, and I say it's all right

soooo I haven't blogged in so long that when I went to type in the blog address, my computer didn't even remember how to fill the rest of it out! :( I'm ashamed! it actually has been an entire month! it's been so long that I can't even remember everything that I've done. but n worries....I just returned from the most wonderful of all wonderful trips. so an definitely go on and on about that for awhile. while other people were busy gettin zonked in Mexico, me and nine of my close friends were picniking on the beach, singing our favorite songs with a beautiful ukelele accompanist (JULIEEEE), and nomming on pizza. did I mention that we were also on a beach? then we all snuggled up and watched the parent trap together. it was precious. and that was just our first night in paradise. the following days were filled with adventures on the beach and frolicking in giant waves. and of course lots and lots and lots of love. oh and hugs. and ice cream....a LOT of it. oh and some beautiful starry nights and glorious sunsets to enjoy. on the first night, I talked to Julie about how I wish that I could somehow capture the feelings associated with standing on a beautiful beach, hearing the crash and lull of the ocean waves, digging my toes in the sand, feeling the salty breeze hitting my cheeks. I closed my eyes and kept breathing in deeply, thinking maybe if I took enough gulps, then this air would become my norm. I wanted to just appreciate every single part of the experience that I was having and figure out how to save this moment. I simultaneously was hating myself for wasting the time I had in this seemingly perfect moment trying to hang on to it for future use. instead, Julie explained, I should just live in it. it wouldn't be nearly as wonderful if I could access those feelings whenever I wanted to. there are things in life, like a breath-taking sunset over the beach, that are meant to just simply be appreciated for what they are...amazing works of art brought to us by the big guy upstairs. nature seriously is so amazing, and I know that I can appreciate the little things that are beautiful in my hometown, it's much easier to notice the beauty in a place like Naples. palm trees were absolutely everywhere, and I can honestly say that everything that I saw was simply beautiful. but I would be foolish if I didn't mention the absolute joy, love, and laughter that I so badly wanted to capture. it was even MORE special than any sunset or starry sky could ever be. I went into the trip knowing that it was bound to be amazing since the girls going with me are super sweet. I had really high expectations for the week, and I can truly say that my expectations were wildly exceeded. every day with these girls was a new adventure. I was closer with some girls over others, but by the end of the week, we felt like a little family. or better yet, we felt like a bunch of sisters. it was cool to see everyone in their day to day lives. all of our quirks and charm just shined as we spent more and more time all together. I loved learning things about people I didn't know as well and also seeing totally new sides to people that I totally thought I did know. even though we weren't getting wasted on the beach in Cancun, I felt drunk off of the sheer joy that erupted everyday. I have never laughed so hard or shared so many funny stories or made so many quick insider jokes with a group. it was amazing to see how quickly everyone could go from adventurous beach babes, ready to trek in the waves, to stunning beauties at night. it was so cool to see how people chose to spice up a plain outfit of a white shirt and denim bottom, and capturing all of this on film was even better. even though it was impossible to get absolutely every part of the week, I tried my hardest to get as much as I could. Jasmine (my newly named camera!! woo!) accompanied me EVERYWHERE. even though it probably was annoying, I just kept telling myself that we'd all eventually be appreciative of the pictures. and I knew we could then share the memories, or atleast attempt to share them and our joy, with other people at home. at one point on the trip, we all just at in a circle and talked about our "favorites". our favorite movies, books, songs, etc. etc. it can be so easy to look past these seemingly obvious things when you are best friends with someone. but it was nice to talk about that stuff, and then we all ended up complimenting each other. I couldn't get over how many amazing girls I was surrounded by. these girls are the ones that I want my daughters to grow up to be and they're the ones that I want my sons to marry. (well not actually marry them...cause that would be gross. but you know what I mean) ;) one of my favorite parts of the trip was when I star gazed on the beach with Julie, Neens, and Maddie. the four of us wandered there on a whim. even though it was chilly, windy, and cloudly, we were determined. when we got to the beach, we were chatting for a bit and kind of frolicking. but eventually, we all just became silent as we admired the sky. the clouds parted, and for a few minutes, all you could hear was the sound of the crashing waves and the gentle wind. even though we were all looking at the same sky, we were having totally different experiences. when I look at a night sky littered with twinkling stars, I see God's magesty, and I try to pray on every star that I can see. when Julie looks up, I imagine that she thinks about how small she, and the rest of us, are in comparison to everything. I am insignificant. maybe Neena has a similar thought...or maybe she sees something totally different. regardless, it was just a really special experience. I can't wait to do something similar at young life camp this summer. it really is something that everyone should get to experience. like I said, on the first night, we sang while Julie played the ukelele, and my favorite song that we jammed to was "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles......

"Here Comes the Sun"

Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
It's all right

I honestly never realized how utterly simple these lyrics are. but they are still so so so wonderful and impactful. it's pretty hard to hear this song and not end up smiling. I just love this idea of the sunshine always being around tomorrow. there are brighter days in the future. live in the moment, but also know that there is a future. it will all be alright if we can learn to appreciate the "sunshine" of life. whether this be in the form of laughter, hugs, and love from a group of your best friends, or in the beauty of a simple sunset. a little bit of sunshine can help anyone remember that they're gonna be okay. It really has been a longggg winter, and I finally feel that the ice is slowly melting. I have finally put David behind me, and he's no longer a part of me life (atleast I hope), and it feels like forever since things have been clear. thankfully, with him out of my life, there's room for more love and more friendships and more experiences. and I cannot wait for that! that's my sunshine....a time for new opportunities and people I care about. next year will be terrifying, but I am also excited! I can only hope to meet girls as wonderful as the ones I got to spend time with on my trip. I also hope that all of those girls have so much fun in college and are full of happiness too. I just want to see lots of smiling faces when we all come home for break. as Julie always says right before bed, "are you smiling?" smile checks should always be neccessary. if you're not smiling right now, then stop, listen to here comes the sun, and remember that tomorrow is a brightm brand new day. EMBRACE IT! and if it doesn't work out, focus on that melting ice and know that you can try again and again till you get it right. keep smiling! :)

xoxo
anonymous blogger

happy is the heart that still feels pain

so today is all about LOVE. yup, I really love LOVE. I haven't blogged in a few weeks, but lots of good things have happened recently, and I felt the need to share about them. so poms is officially over now, which is very sad. we had our senior night, which was fun and all, but then we got to perform at one more game the following week. it was a combined dance with the JV girls, and even though there was some added drama because flippin freshmen are too sassy for their own good, it was kinda cool to perform a JV dance as our last one ever. it was easy and just fun and reminded me of where I started 4 years ago. I still remember trying out in the spring of 8th grade and having no clue if I'd make it or not. I was high jumping at my middle school track meet when I found out that I made both teams. the memory is still so vivid for me. my team was interesting because unlike the grade abve us, my group of girls in my grade that did poms with me weren't very close from the start. we all came from separate friend groups and even though we danced together and had fun, there was always this sort of awkward tension. I honestly never thought we could bond like the older girls did. they told "obscene stories" for OSN (obscene story night), and they'd all laugh about inside jokes while the rest of us just kinda awkwardly were out of it. I was really nervous going into my senior year of poms. I had this feeling that the girls in the grade below us wouldn't respect us or want to be our friends. thankfully, I was so wrong. somehow, as seniors we managed to put aside our past awkwardness and we got so so so close. all of us still hang out with totally different people, but at poms, we were family. I spent so much time with these girls, and by the end of it, I realized that I couldn't have imagined high school without them. I just love them and poms so much. it seems really dumb that we spend all of this time dancing, but poms is about so much more than just shaking our asses and being sassy. of course the dancing is a big part of it, but poms helped get to know the most amazing girls that I never would have crossed paths with outside of it. it's really hard to explain, and I know I sound like a babbling idiot, but I just am so grateful to have had this experience in high school. I am not the best technical dancer on the team, and I would never be able to do this in college. but I was lucky enough to dance at every home football and basketball game for 4 years! that's pretty crazy and pretty awesome. I learned a lot about myself too and poms has helped me just kinda work with what I've got. that sounds so weird, but as a pommer, you're somewhat forced to be sassy while dancing and somehow channel some kind of inner diva. even though I don't walk around "flaunting" regularly, poms made me more confident and allowed me to just work it. throwing my poms down and strutting off the floor after our last pep rally was a feeling unlike any other. it was empowering. it was also probably very expected and dumb to people who weren't dancing with me, but I loved every minute of it. okay well enough about poms because I sound like such an idiot. to sum up, poms has been amazing and I will miss it so much more than I ever realized.

so another good thing that happened over the past few weeks is valentine's day! wooo! so I didn't have a valentine this year, but I have to say it was one of the better valentine's days I've ever had. the past few years David and I celebrated by going on a nice date or exchanging a mushy card or something. it was always nice, but I felt like the best part of the actual day was getting to see how happy other people were. when else do you get to see all people making a conscious effort to express their genuine love for others? I personally think we don't need a holiday to do it, but it certainly makes it easier since it forces us to acknowlege the people we care about. this year I had a lot of people to be thankful for and show love to. of course, me being me, I had to be all giddy about my numerous crushes and get all excited when I gave them a lollipop from the bag that I brought to school to share. literally I forget that I am almost 18 sometimes when I turn into this giddy 12 year old who gets excited over boys. then again, it was expected on valentine's day, so why not?! but anyways, I felt a lot of love from other people this year. one of my friends handmade me the sweetest valentine, and I just couldn't get over how many amazing people I got to show appreciation to this year. even though it would've been nice to have a special guy to celebrate with, I am glad that this year I got to focus my attention on the people who mean the most to me: my wonderful friends. I ended up third wheeling a date with my parents, and I wouldn't have wanted it to be any other way. If this isn't already apparent from my ramblings over the past 7 months....I just love the idea of love, and so any day that is especially centered around that is the day for me. so ya. valentine's day rocked.

it also kicked off me realizing how freaking lucky I am to have so many amazing people in my life that love me so much and that I love even more in return. so many people are just trying to "get through second semester" and then start over in college. even though I am really ready to leave, I know that I will miss my friends terribly. every one of them is just crazy awesome, and it almost isn't fair that I recieve all of the love that I do. Julie wrote recently about how there are so many people without any friends at all, and I wish that I could somehow share all the love that I've been blessed with with those people. because everyone just wants to love and be loved.

"Everybody"

We have fallen down again tonight
In this world it's hard to get it right
Trying to make your heart fit like a glove
What it needs is love, love, love

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

Everybody knows the love
Everybody holds the love
Everybody folds for love
Everybody feels the love
Everybody steals the love
Everybody heals with love

Oh oh oh
Just let the love love love begin

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

 

 

so I am 100% aware of the absolute ridiculousness of this song and I hope that you aren't disappointed in my choice because it is so cliche. but to be fair, I base my blogs off of songs and not the other way around. so I've had this song picked out for awhile for a potential blog because I love (HAH I said it again) it. also I am aware that I previously blogged about love, but I still felt the need to write about it again because I DO WHAT I WANT YO. :p okay anyways, so I just feel like this so accurately describes everyone's feelings towards love. everybody wants to love and everybody wants to be loved. but sometimes people aren't lucky enough to experience both of these things. and that's a very sucky reality. some people give so much love and don't get any in return. and then there are people who recieve a lot of love but can't really figure out how to show their love in return. I don't know which would be worse, but I personally liked being able to show people how much I love them. I know that it can be very overwhelming for other people, but I just hope that the people I care about know that I really do care and do love them. I'd rather they know that and think I am crazy (which is an accurate statement) than not know and think I am normal (LOL no.) so that's why I try to be very vocal about my feelings for other people. I don't hide my feelings about anything really, especially not if they're positive ones about loving something or someone. because I know that everybody really does want to be loved. I really like the lines "Happy is the heart that still feels pain. Darkness drains and light will come again". this is cool because it basically says that even though it is awesome to love and be loved, it won't be like that all of the time. and that's a good thing! because happy is the heart that still knows how to be rejected and not experience love. eventually the darnkess will drain and the light will shine again. okay one other thing I wanted to talk about is how to define love. we talked a lot about it in philosphy, and I really am unsure as to what my definition truly is. I often say that I love people or that I love places or foods too (nutella DUHHH). but what do I really mean by that? does the word hold less meaning if I love a lot of different people and things? I sure hope not because I really do love  A LOT. I guess I love what makes myself and other people happy. if someone can make me laugh and bring joy to other people, than I love them. I also love people that trust me and don't write me off as crazy right off the bat. I love patient people. I love honest people. I love quiet people and I admire their ability to be fantastic listeners. I love people that are so smart and don't even realize it. I love people who love me back. this last one is one that I recently thought about. I used to just say that I loved people, regardless of their feelings towards me in return. but I think that just like the song says, it's much easier to love AND be loved. so don't be afraid to tell people that they are important to you and that you care about them. you may not be as ambitious as me and come out and say "I love you" all the time. but you should still make sure they know that they make you happy and that you feel lucky to have them. cause I don't know if I can go on loving people who don't love me back. it sounds horribly selfish, but it's the truth. I'm not gonna waste my time on people who don't care.

 

thankfully, I am surrounded by wonderful people who do care and do tell me that they love me....probably more than I deserve. to finish, I'm just gonna give a little overview of my weekend to prove how blessed I am with my amazing friends. so last night I was supposed to babysit, but it got canceled. so instead, Betsy and I went on a date to noodle and co and we just chatted and it was lovely. then we got philip and the three of us went back to my house and ate girl scout cookies and sat on my counter and talked for awhile. eventually the three of us plus neens ended up on my basement couch, cuddling and watching tommy boy. seriously though, it was just great. and tonight, Julie flippin made dinner for a few of my girls and I....it was the sweetest thing ever! she made the meal that she wants to eat at her wedding. we had sparkling cider too! and french silk pie ANDDD pretzel bread rolls. so ya....life is pretty much great. oh and we all left our phones in a basket by the front door which led to us siting at her dining room table for a solid 3 hours just talking. what a perfect weekend. literally the best. I don't know what says love better than 5 girls and french silk pie, ya know? okay well it is time for bed, and I am rather disappointed by this lack luster blog. but I guess if you should take anything away from this it's that you deserve to be loved. boom. and more importantly, you should love other people and not be afraid to tell someone that you care about them. and I absolutely am in love with my friends

xoxo
anonymous blogger

To trust. To hope. To care.

I am disappointed in my lack of writing. I am a SECOND SEMESTER SENIOR YOU GUYS!!! whattttt?! when did that happen?! I thought that this meant that I could just do absolutely nothing and write all the time and eat and hang out with my frandz and not do school. right?! wrong. I still have to attend school, and I actually have been ridiculously busy due to track season starting while poms is still in season. it actually has been super weird though because I've already noticed myself relaxing about school related stuff. I don't know if that is necessarily a good thing, but I kinda like it. I've kinda adopted this attitude of going with the flow. I've actually been doing things on school nights after practice and am just embracing this new attitude, since it's likely going to catch up with me and then I'll get scared and revert to my old ways. so for now, I'll live a chiller life. my brother said he would love to go back to his second semeter senior year. I was thinking about it, and the fact that a lot of us are already in college and are just truckin along, trying to just graduate, is kinda awesome. never again will I be able to spend time with my friends (who are the greatest people ever) and be an idiot on the weekends and not give a shit about school and STILL pass with a stupid NHS tassle while also playing high school sports. It is weird, but it's also really cool. this is the last time that I get to be a real athlete...how sad is that?! I know I have an entire track season ahead of me, but I went to watch my friend's gymnastics meet and it hit me that so many of us are done. she's been competing since she was a little one, and it's crazy to think that her 'career' will be over in less than a month. of course she will still be able to flip whenever she wants and won't be giving it up anytime soon, but it's still pretty much the end. for me, it's weird because I won't be able to just run hurdles whenever I want after track is over. I mean, I can always jump over things, like benches and shit, but the whole racing aspect of it is what I love the most. when I run hurdles I feel so powerful and kinda bad ass. It's really freeing and gets me psyched. It's funny because usually I'm not a super aggressive person, or atleast I try not to be, but when it comes to track, I become a crazy woman! today I had my first meet and when I got to the line to run my hurdles, I became so focused. I charged at the first hurdle and just got so aggressive. it's not my nature to be like that, but it's so different once I'm out on the track. I'll miss that. I don't think I'll be able to channel that agressiveness and drive into anything else. anyways....I really don't know how I got on that tangent and it actually has zero things to do with the supposed focus of this blog. but hey, my blogs never have focus, and that's the best part! I can just write about anything and everything and ramble and not care because no one actually has to read this. if you're reading it, then you are more than welcome to stop at anytime! speaking of blogs, recently one of my friends stopped blogging publicly because she realized that sometimes blogs become a really weird way for needy people to reach out to others and publicize all of their feelings that don't need sharing. it's almost just some weird attention seeking outlet. it makes me sad that I can't read her writing, but I agree with her. some people do such a good job at just writing what they want and not letting their "audience" influence it, but I feel like other people get so caught up with sharing personal things yet being vague about it that it becomes annoying. that's why I enjoy having this be somewhat of a secret. it's just like a diary of sorts, but I can also share it with people I love and just talk through it. plus I don't need to worry about who might see it, since I figure no one really cares to read pages upon pages upon pages of me rambling ;) SPEAKING OF RAMBLING: I am rambling and am not getting the the point of this blog! so here we go! last week in AP psych we talked a lot about optimism and attitudes and how they can affect your mental and physical health. not surprisingly, we learned that by taking a more optimistic outlook on situations, you are likely to live longer and be physically healthier. I just love the idea that simply by changing your attitude about stuff, you can increase your lifespan. like WHAT?! I know everyone always tells you that you should be positive and keep smiling and look at the glass as half full....but sometimes all of that just sounds like a whole lot of blehhhhhh. there are days when you hear that and think, "yaaaa you should probably shut up now before I punch you or throw this 'half full' cup of water at your face" okay maybe not THAT far....but you get the point. it can be super annoying to be positive all the time. and that's not what the psych book suggested. instead, we were talking about how to combat those overly negative thoughts and worries that bug you. it's sorta like what I learned in therapy about avoiding the "freak out". the freak out is that what the fuck moment when you decide to sulk and panic about unneccesary things and be really really overdramatic. but then after it all works out, you feel so dumb for wasting time being so anxious and annoying. the psych book didn't exactly describe it that way, but it basically said that next time you overreact, you should reason out how realistic your claims are and realize that you're not actually going to be doomed by whatever happened. so somewhat ironically, this was all put to the test with me this week. two of my close friends go into a complicated fight of sorts, and I ended up smack dab in the middle. don't get me wrong, I love them both dearly and wanted to help, but at the same time, I didn't totally like having to play mediator. I felt like I was straddling that uncomfortable bar at the lunch table that no one likes. it was unpleasant and frankly, it was awkward. but I did my best to be positive and optimistic for the both of them and overcompensate by being extra cheery. I was hoping that it would either rub off on them or just leave me feeling more satisified. but by the end of the day, I crashed. I was a super bitch at track, and I couldn't be happy anymore. so, like I always do, I threw a huge pity party and decided I needed to change my approach. however, I soon found myself wrapped up in two more situations with different people, and I became so frustrated that I wasn't able to fix any of it. it was just a hug pile of crap at my doorstep and it wasn't going away. thankfully, after a few days, I helped my friends that were fighting make up. and I was dumb to think that everything was okay. because of course, days later, they had a meltdown and it all fell apart. and there was still me, straddling that bar at the lunch table, trying to fix it. I couldn't put anything together without messing it up. I was learning all about how to be optimistic and how changing my attitude could help tremendously. yet I couldn't believe it. people were coming to me for comfort and clearly needed answers, and all I could do was manage to leave them just as broken as I had found them. I was frustrated, to say the least. but then Bridget came to me as a savior, like she frequently does, and without knowing it, she gave me the answers I needed in the form of some good music suggestions. I listened to the songs she gave me, and I felt so much better. the one song that especially helped was "The Ballad of Love and Hate" by The Avett Brothers. so here it is!

The Ballad of Love and Hate

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
With a serious look on his face.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
Of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
Cause he might never see her again.
Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm your and that's it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm your's and that's it, forever."

You're mine and that's it, forever.


I absolutely love this song. when I heard it for the first time, I was just in love with the idea of the story. even though hate is always present, love is willing to give him a chance and be patient. of course, me being the crazy analyzer that I am, I used this song to remind me that I will never be able to fix everyone's brokenness. I don't like seeing anyone hurting, but like the song says, hate will always be around. but by offering some love, hate just might come around. maybe sometimes he won't, but that's okay because love will always be there. I love when the song says "you're mine, and that's it, forever". love wouldn't even be anything if there was no hate. how would we even be able to appreciate it? one of my favorite parts is "Love takes a taxi, a young man drives. As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes. But tears follow after, at the end of the ride, Cause he might never see her again." I think this is kinda the attitude that I have a lot of times about certain situations. I get so overwhelmed when people are struggling, so I try to offer love. but then instead of just being thankful that some small things are going right, I think about what could and might happen going forward and how I might never see love again in a situation or a frienship. but that's so dumb of me to do. I know that sometimes it isn't clear how I am helping people, and it frustrates me to no end to not see clear "fixing" occuring, but I have to have a little faith. sure enough, the day after I listened to this song, my friends made up. and I even had them write eachother letters, just like love and hate do in the song. (I know I am the most ridiculous person to have ever roamed planet earth, but hey, it was worth it!) so I guess what I am saying is just that love is tricky and I know that it seems as if everything would be great if it were all just perfect and awesome. however, hate is just always gonna be around. he roams the streets with a "serious look on his face", and he can sometimes spoil the good stuff. BUT, you have to also remember that love can come along, "Carrying with her the good things we know. A reason to live and a reason to grow. To trust. To hope. To care." I can't fix everything, as much as I want to. but atleast I can trust and hope and show that I care. so I am satisfied with being able to do that. and as for my issue of always meddling and being caught in the middle, I've decided to not really look at it as such a problem. I'm using my "avoid the freak out" method and realizing that it's not so horrible to be straddling the lunch table bar. it makes more room for people at the table, and it helps to show me how to make others more comfortable before myself. I want so badly to keep writing, but I have to go to sleep because it's late and I have another big day ahead of me. BUT I feel like I missed out on so much that I wanted to write about so hopefully that means I'll have to write again soon!

xoxo
anonymous blogger <3 <3 <3

P.S. I love my friends...a lot. and I especially love Julie for reminding me this week that we haven't spent enough one on one time together lately. that just made me really happy because I almost always miss her, but I sometimes forget that she might miss me too. so hi jules...you are still and always will be my favorite. we will spend so much quality time together very soon, and as long as you are happy right now, then I am happy. please see I'd never make it through without you around  if you need reassurance or read your birthday card/record. you are wonderful.