bittersweet. that seems to be the word I keep finding myself gravitating towards. it's like a good news/bad news situation. you always have to hear the bad news first before you get the good news. and today the bad news was that zack had to leave for college. but at the same time, it's good news because he's starting such an amazing experience and going on an incredible journey. of course, I don't need to tell him that and neither does anyone else. he's wanted this for his entire life, and then boom, the day is here and it's hard to go. it'd be easy to just stay home, stay in the same, comfortable routine...return to roam those familiar hallways in the fall, sit in your chair at the kitchen table for dinner, curl up in your bed at night, tell the same jokes with your best friends. it'd be comfortable, but something would be missing. where's the excitement in that? the adventure? I know it's easier said than done, but I admire people that can just step out of their comfort zones and trust themselves on new adventures. it's absolutely terrifying to leave home and start over and have to learn to be independent long before any of your friends have to go. but I completely admire all student athletes that are going for it. I could run at Tulane, but I've chickened out because I know it'd be too much for me. I'm too scared to try it and fail. but my friends that are competing in college are not only goin for it, but they're also leaving the security of their homes and saying goodbye so much earlier. that's tough. thankfully, zack won't be too far away. I can easily visit him and he could come home if he wanted to. but it's still a huge adjustment. I kept trying to be as supportive as possible by joking with him and poking fun since he really isn't going that far away. I was trying to justify why he shouldn't be worried. I was trying to be the strong, reassuring one. I realize now that my mom was doing the same for me. she kept telling me how it'll be totally fine once zack leaves and how it'll be so easy to see him regularly. she tried to make me feel less panicked too. but once the reality of zack leaving set in today, I wasn't feeling so hot. zack is a sensitive guy, no doubt about it, but it's not like he openly cries regularly. seeing him be sad was one of the hardest things. I wanted to be his rock and keep telling him that he was being silly for worrying so much. but to be completely honest, I'm a little scared too. I'm nervous for him because even though I am 100% positive that he'll love it and do so well, I know it's not going to be easy. and selfishly, I'll miss him a lot. yesterday all of his close friends got together and said goodbye to him. it never ceases to amaze me how well the guys get along. they just complete eachother. it's so fun to just watch them be complete idiots...they love eachother so much. it's awesome. zack told me that he just hopes people don't forget about him. I was taken back when I heard him say that....it's not possible to forget about such a loving, sweet guy. it was great to see how much his guys supported him, and I know they're not going anywhere. bridget and paige made zack these super sweet notes with watercolors and glitter etc etc. I could tell that it meant a lot to him that people cared so much. I made him a tie blanket and made him a cool card (if I do say so myself). again, it seems so crazy that we go so above and beyond, but zack is a guy that's worth it. and it's just a big deal to be leaving. and we care. tonight I just cuddled with him for a few hours and talked and stuff. it was exactly what he wanted and I can't complain (his hugs are the best). what was weird to think about is that I've been anticipating this day for a long time now. I still remember when zack and I had the conversation about whether we should officially "date" or not. we knew that he had to leave early on in the summer, and I remember talking to people about it and how I wasn't sure if it would be worth it. of course, I decided to go along with it, and I told myself I just wouldn't get "too attached".....oops. that failed miserably. but here we are, 3 months later, and we're staying together. life is crazy in that way. I never could've guessed that someone like zack would come into my life and that I'd be writing something like this. I feel pretty dumb for sharing this all right now but I guess it's just what's on my mind, and again, I doubt anyone is reading this anyways. and if they are, then they can probably handle what I have to say anyways :) but basically, zack just has a way of making people feel special and loved and cared about. of course he says goofy things and has no filter, but that's what makes people drawn to him. he has a huge heart and isn't afraid of embarrassment. I don't think I've ever met anyone who's as upfront and sure of himself. he always seems to know what he wants to say. as if I couldn't tell by the way he treats me, he just wanted to reiterate multiple times tonight how much he cares about me and how much I make him smile. I just feel lucky to have him and also excited about supporting him through his new adventure. tonight's song is I Lived by OneRepublic. here it is....
I Lived
Hope when you take that jump,You don't feel the fall.Hope when the water rises,You build a wall.
Hope when the crowd screams outIt's screaming your nameHope if everybody runsYou choose to stay
Hope that you fall in loveAnd it hurts so badThe only way you can knowIs give it all you have
And I hope that you don't sufferBut take the painHope when the moment comes, you'll say
I..... I did it allI..... I did it allI owned every second that this world could giveI saw so many placesThe things that I didYeah, worth every broken boneI swear I lived
Hope that you spend your daysBut they all add upAnd when that sun goes downHope you raise your cupOh, oh
I wish that I could witnessAll your joyAnd all your painBut until my moment comesI'll say
I....I did it allI....I did it allI owned every second that this world could giveI saw so many placesThe things that I didYeah worth every broken boneI swear I lived
Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh (x4)
Worth every broken boneI swear I livedWorth every broken boneI swear I
I....I did it allI....I did it allI owned every second that this world could giveI saw so many placesThe things that I didYeah worth every broken boneI swear I lived
Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh (x2)I swear I lived
so to go back to the idea of pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone, I feel like this song is super relevant to my life, zack's life, and the lives of my friends that are college bound. if we keep worrying about our futures and stay focused on trying to replicate the good things that we found in the past (like old friendships, hobbies, etc) then we won't be living fulfilled lives. when I'm old and gray, I want to be able to say, I swear I lived. not only does it sound super bad ass, but it means that I really gave it my all and did some things that I wasn't always planning on doing. I took some risks, and I embraced the outcomes of my situations. I really love how the first line says "Hope when you take that jump, you don't feel the fall." I know that this is a huge jump for zack, and I know that so far, he's had that feeling of dread right before you're about to drop down on a rollercoaster or about to jump into a freezing pool. but what I hope for him is that he isn't focused so much on that fall....the one that makes your stomach twist and your hair stick straight up. I hope that he instead prepares himself for the landing...the rush you feel when you finally reorient yourself and resurface in that cold water. my other favorite part is "I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain". I really like to be involved in everyone's lives...sometimes a little too much. I know that it's going to be hard for me to not be able to give zack a big hug when he needs one or see him light up when he sees the field for the first time as a wildcat. but I know that he's going to be living and that's what's important. until my time comes, I'll have to just know that I'm doing the same thing, but just having some different experiences. and of course, I hope for his sake that he doesn't suffer, but "takes the pain" because he's going to come out so much stronger, mentally, physically, and emotionally after his journey. and I'm so looking forward to seeing him shine. so moral of the blog would be that it's totally okay to step out of your comfort zone. in fact, I highly recommend it. I'm still working on being brave, but I'm so lucky to have found someone like zack who motivates me to be a better person and who shows me what it means to be selfless and dedicated. I really hope that when you take that jump, you won't feel the fall. remember that one day you hope to say, I swear I lived.
<3 <3 <3anonymous blogger
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
I’ve been waiting to smile
HEY WORLD!! I am officially commencing summer blogging season. I'm going to do my best to write almost every night because writing was such a big part of my summer last year, and now that I have more time, I'm so ready to bring it back. oh ya, by the way, it's SUMMER TIME!! I did it. I graduated high school....it's not like I ever thought that I wouldn't graduate, but it's still very surreal that it's all over. four years in that same building and now I'm done. the teachers now see us as "Alumni" and act like we're adults. it's weird but fun. the last few weeks were extremely nostalgic as we all looked back on our time in high school and acted as if we were dying or something. seriously though, people say goodbye to you as if you are never ever coming back. frankly, it's terrifying. it makes you feel like maybe they're right. maybe, just maybe, you won't come back. you'll get so caught up in college that you'll forget about your washed up hometown. or maybe you'll just come back "changed". everyone says that college will change you, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for that change. four years of high school changed me plenty, and I'm not ready to do that again. besides, how much "changing" is left really? are we changing for the rest of our lives? I'd say I'm fairly comfortable with who I've become, and I don't imagine myself becoming totally different. maybe I'm wrong. scratch that, I know I'm wrong because I'm going to change. but it's just weird to think about. anyways, back to graduation. so the actual night of graduation wasn't anything too special. it had to be held inside which kinda sucked because it's way better outside. regardless, it was nice and pretty surreal. I was just glad that we made it there and could celebrate being together and the crazy futures in store for everyone. but the true nostalgia was leading up to graduation. I know I've said this before, but it was really hard to start realizing that this was IT. so many lasts at school and so many awesome people that you'll likely never see again. last lunches, last classes, last awkward "good morning honey!" from Mrs. Hall, last passing period hang outs, last bells, last before school chillin, last pledge of allegiance, last hugs from friends in the halls, last waving at underclassmen, last locker stops, last tests, last homework assignments, last tardy passes, last drinking fountain fill ups, last bathroom runs....well I think you get it. anyways, every thing that I did became a "last". I couldn't help myself....I became fixated on this "end". the journey was over. again, it was as if we were dead.
thankfully, i'm alive. no worries.
and I have an entire wonderful summer to spend with these people that I am so worried about leaving behind so I am definitely going to take advantage of that. I've already made a summer bucket list of things to accomplish this summer and I've gotten to check off a few things already. so that's exciting! but honestly, as cliche as this sounds, it doesn't matter as much what I'm doing, but rather who I'm doing things with (to quote the wonderful movie Aquamarine) it sounds SO dumb. but high school was great not because of the small accomplishments, but because of the people that impacted my every day life. life would be nothing without other people. I know it seems dumb to point out because it is so obvious, but I don't think life would be worth living without other people in your life. as I've said, I'm not good alone so that probably influences me since I would never want to be by myself. but it's more than that. it's the fact that experiences are wonderful because of how people impact the situation. my favorite classes of all time are those that either had amazing people in them or had a super great teacher. I'm not trying to say that humans are the most wonderful creation ever and blah blah blah. I guess what I'm saying is that I am so thankful for the PEOPLE that have been part of my journey. the memories that I hold dear to me are the ones with those crazy, loving, joyous, beautiful people that impacted me somehow along the way. right about now, I'm on top of the world.
On Top of the World
Imagine Dragons
for someone that maybe isn't quite as blissful as I am at the moment, I know that this song probably is terribly aggravating. it is overly cheerful, but that doesn't mean that I don't love it. I'd be lying if I said that this song doesn't annoy me. It definitely can get frustrating to hear someone say that they're "on top of the world" and everything is just so perfect. but you know what, I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm on top of the world. not because I finished high school, not because it's summer, not because I don't have to worry about stupid things, not because I'm going to college, but because I am surrounded by amazing people, and I am blessed. before I started writing this post, I finally read the messages that people wrote in my yearbook this year. I was in awe of how many people said such sweet things. and it hit me, my high school experience wasn't about the dumb club pictures or the countless hours I wasted pretending to study for something. it was about those people whose words fill the pages of my yearbook. that was the point. without my best friends to support me, I'd be nowhere. without the goons in my classes that reminded me to let loose, I would've gone crazy. without my teachers that both supported me and pissed me off like no other, I wouldn't be as intellectually curious and driven. without my parents and family who always cheered for me, I'd be a mess. without my freshmen, that looked up to me as their superhero, I'd feel like a failure. without my juniors, who gave and continue to give me so much wisdom and comfort, I'd be hurting. without those who decided to listen to me, to care about me, to tell me the truth, to trust in me, to treat me with respect, I wouldn't be myself. gosh this must be so cliche, but I can't say that I care that much. because it is all the truth. my experiences in high school have really shaped me. It was a long process. like the song says, I've been "waiting on this for awhile. paying my dues to the dirt. I've been waiting to smile". It's time to smile and smile BIG. not only did I graduate, but I collected so many people along the way. I also really like the part in this song that reminds you to tell somebody if you love them because you don't know how much time is left for you. I've tried lately to shower my friends and family with extra love. here's to you, people that have made my years so worthwhile!! the coolest thing is that even though people say high school is "over" and we feel like we're "dying", I don't think this is the case. since high school to me was all about how people in my life shaped me, I'll continue to grow since I'll have these people with me. of course I'm leaving a lot of people behind, but I'll always come home, and I'll meet more people that can shape my life. and I'm thankful for that. to finish, I'd like to recap some big changes in my life since freshman year just for funzies. here goes nothing!!
anxious, insecure, panicked freshman.....confident, (relatively) relaxed, happy graduate
thought I wanted to play soccer.......finished MVP of my track team
started with a giant group of friends and didn't have a best friend......finally can call a smaller group of girls the most amazing people that I know
had no guy friends.....finally have some guy friends and love them so much
dating David and figured no one would like me if I ever broke up with him....found a guy that cares about me and treats me better than anyone else :)
had never even heard of Tulane.......going to New Orleans in the fall to attend Tulane
grew up with my best friend living in Australia......going to college with this same girl next fall
had no idea who God was or what Jesus went through.....follower of Christ and YL leader
judged so many people........now accepting of way more people
harsh critic of my body and my image......mostly loving towards myself and my body
a different person in different situations..............myself in all cases
always worried about being annoying.........embracing my quirks and my "annoying" nature and I love it
saw myself as a loud mouth........being loud and proud
I remember feeling weird hugging people..........hug anyone and everyone who needs some love (in a non creepy way)
had never listened to anything but pop music.....so much more curious about music and also a christian music fan
had never touched an iphone.....addicted to my phone (bad bad bad!)
didn't know a lot of people that have now impacted my life more than I can explain
used to stalk abby as a joke.......she's one of my closest friends
thought I knew who I was and thought I was happy........boy was I wrong
I could go on and on........but I'll just end by saying that I am so lucky to have had the best four years of my life, especially this past year. but really, this post is all about the PEOPLE that made it so great. I truly am on top of the world.
<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger
thankfully, i'm alive. no worries.
and I have an entire wonderful summer to spend with these people that I am so worried about leaving behind so I am definitely going to take advantage of that. I've already made a summer bucket list of things to accomplish this summer and I've gotten to check off a few things already. so that's exciting! but honestly, as cliche as this sounds, it doesn't matter as much what I'm doing, but rather who I'm doing things with (to quote the wonderful movie Aquamarine) it sounds SO dumb. but high school was great not because of the small accomplishments, but because of the people that impacted my every day life. life would be nothing without other people. I know it seems dumb to point out because it is so obvious, but I don't think life would be worth living without other people in your life. as I've said, I'm not good alone so that probably influences me since I would never want to be by myself. but it's more than that. it's the fact that experiences are wonderful because of how people impact the situation. my favorite classes of all time are those that either had amazing people in them or had a super great teacher. I'm not trying to say that humans are the most wonderful creation ever and blah blah blah. I guess what I'm saying is that I am so thankful for the PEOPLE that have been part of my journey. the memories that I hold dear to me are the ones with those crazy, loving, joyous, beautiful people that impacted me somehow along the way. right about now, I'm on top of the world.
On Top of the World
Imagine Dragons
If you love somebody
Better tell them while they’re here ’cause
They just may run away from you
You’ll never know quite when, well
Then again it just depends on
How long of time is left for you
I’ve had the highest mountains
I’ve had the deepest rivers
You can have it all but life keeps moving
I take it in but don’t look down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.
I’ve tried to cut these corners
Try to take the easy way out
I kept on falling short of something
I coulda gave up then but
Then again I couldn’t have ’cause
I’ve traveled all this way for something
I take it in but don’t look down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.
Oooooooo... OoooAhhhhhOoooAhhhhh[2x]
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.
And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.
Better tell them while they’re here ’cause
They just may run away from you
You’ll never know quite when, well
Then again it just depends on
How long of time is left for you
I’ve had the highest mountains
I’ve had the deepest rivers
You can have it all but life keeps moving
I take it in but don’t look down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.
I’ve tried to cut these corners
Try to take the easy way out
I kept on falling short of something
I coulda gave up then but
Then again I couldn’t have ’cause
I’ve traveled all this way for something
I take it in but don’t look down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.
Oooooooo... OoooAhhhhhOoooAhhhhh[2x]
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.
And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.
for someone that maybe isn't quite as blissful as I am at the moment, I know that this song probably is terribly aggravating. it is overly cheerful, but that doesn't mean that I don't love it. I'd be lying if I said that this song doesn't annoy me. It definitely can get frustrating to hear someone say that they're "on top of the world" and everything is just so perfect. but you know what, I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm on top of the world. not because I finished high school, not because it's summer, not because I don't have to worry about stupid things, not because I'm going to college, but because I am surrounded by amazing people, and I am blessed. before I started writing this post, I finally read the messages that people wrote in my yearbook this year. I was in awe of how many people said such sweet things. and it hit me, my high school experience wasn't about the dumb club pictures or the countless hours I wasted pretending to study for something. it was about those people whose words fill the pages of my yearbook. that was the point. without my best friends to support me, I'd be nowhere. without the goons in my classes that reminded me to let loose, I would've gone crazy. without my teachers that both supported me and pissed me off like no other, I wouldn't be as intellectually curious and driven. without my parents and family who always cheered for me, I'd be a mess. without my freshmen, that looked up to me as their superhero, I'd feel like a failure. without my juniors, who gave and continue to give me so much wisdom and comfort, I'd be hurting. without those who decided to listen to me, to care about me, to tell me the truth, to trust in me, to treat me with respect, I wouldn't be myself. gosh this must be so cliche, but I can't say that I care that much. because it is all the truth. my experiences in high school have really shaped me. It was a long process. like the song says, I've been "waiting on this for awhile. paying my dues to the dirt. I've been waiting to smile". It's time to smile and smile BIG. not only did I graduate, but I collected so many people along the way. I also really like the part in this song that reminds you to tell somebody if you love them because you don't know how much time is left for you. I've tried lately to shower my friends and family with extra love. here's to you, people that have made my years so worthwhile!! the coolest thing is that even though people say high school is "over" and we feel like we're "dying", I don't think this is the case. since high school to me was all about how people in my life shaped me, I'll continue to grow since I'll have these people with me. of course I'm leaving a lot of people behind, but I'll always come home, and I'll meet more people that can shape my life. and I'm thankful for that. to finish, I'd like to recap some big changes in my life since freshman year just for funzies. here goes nothing!!
anxious, insecure, panicked freshman.....confident, (relatively) relaxed, happy graduate
thought I wanted to play soccer.......finished MVP of my track team
started with a giant group of friends and didn't have a best friend......finally can call a smaller group of girls the most amazing people that I know
had no guy friends.....finally have some guy friends and love them so much
dating David and figured no one would like me if I ever broke up with him....found a guy that cares about me and treats me better than anyone else :)
had never even heard of Tulane.......going to New Orleans in the fall to attend Tulane
grew up with my best friend living in Australia......going to college with this same girl next fall
had no idea who God was or what Jesus went through.....follower of Christ and YL leader
judged so many people........now accepting of way more people
harsh critic of my body and my image......mostly loving towards myself and my body
a different person in different situations..............myself in all cases
always worried about being annoying.........embracing my quirks and my "annoying" nature and I love it
saw myself as a loud mouth........being loud and proud
I remember feeling weird hugging people..........hug anyone and everyone who needs some love (in a non creepy way)
had never listened to anything but pop music.....so much more curious about music and also a christian music fan
had never touched an iphone.....addicted to my phone (bad bad bad!)
didn't know a lot of people that have now impacted my life more than I can explain
used to stalk abby as a joke.......she's one of my closest friends
thought I knew who I was and thought I was happy........boy was I wrong
I could go on and on........but I'll just end by saying that I am so lucky to have had the best four years of my life, especially this past year. but really, this post is all about the PEOPLE that made it so great. I truly am on top of the world.
<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger
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