on my own I'm only half of what I could be

HEY. I am blogging. woop woop. and it is the last night of winter break. well I guess there's Sunday night but I'm not counting that at all because I can't stay up late tomorrow night. the past week of break has been pretty wonderful. I guess this blog can be a little reflection on winter break and maybe even my life in general right now. I'd have to say that this break was the best one I've ever had. that's a large statement to make, and I'm aware of that. but after thinking about it, I can honestly say it's been my favorite one to date. I tried to remember what I even did last winter break and I had no idea. all I know is that I finally discovered Friends for the first time....and that was pretty magical. but besides that, nothing really sticks out in my mind. but this break was memorable for several reasons. for starters, it was my last winter break as a high schooler. next year when I come home, it'll be from college. and going off of that...I think that's why this break was extra special. I actually spent it with all of my close friends (except for a few who ditched me on vacations for the whole break). even though I didn't do a ton of crazy things, I was with people that mean a lot to me in my life right now. it is really weird to imagine my life without these people next year. I mean I know that my friends that I'm really close with will still be around in a year, even if we are miles apart. but it won't be the same. I'm excited to have lots of new experiences to share with everyone and new friends and all, but I finally feel like I've found the best support system in the world....and I have to leave it behind. so this break was all about cherishing those people that have come to make up my support system. many nights were spent cuddling on couches, laughing, shamelessly eating icecream, etc. oh and I discovered yoga which was nice too! and I got my guy friend to come....that was certainly interesting! I also just recognized how quickly things can change. over the past two weeks, I've randomly seen different sides of people, and I've learned that life is pretty fragile. obviously I've always known that things often flip from awesome to shitty really quickly, but I've just noticed it alot more recently. but then again, even though life sometimes turns to shit, there is just SO much more of it to look forward to. gahhhh I am being way too philosophical but whatever. I started thinking about how I am only 17 and haven't even survived two full decades....that's nothing. It's crazy how I often feel overwhelmed and upset and panicked...and I forget that there is a lot more to come. there will be plenty of much crappier moments in the future, but then again, there will be some amazing ones too. so instead of complaining and moping, I've tried to think over this break about how things will turn themselves around in time. sometimes it takes a little bit longer than we'd like...but there is plenty of time left in our lives. I've learned to laugh at my ignorance and innocence too. I act like I know everything, and sometimes I feel like life is just turning against me. but when it really comes down to it....I am still just 17 and emotional and pretty dumb. I'm not sure what age one has to be to decide that they're allowed to be pissed at how life has treated them...cause I have a feeling it isn't 17. especially when I have so much more to experience. people say that 17 is an amazing age....no real responsibilities, not yet an adult but still fairly free to do what you want, etc., etc. and hey....I'll agree that being 17 is swell. but I like to think about how if I'm lucky, I could still have atleast 60+ years to live. SIXTY FREAKING YEARS! that's 6 decades....and I've only survived a little more than one and a half. gosh now I am rambling that I always do. hmmmm how to tie this back to break.....? well pretty much, I've realized that things will continue to change over time and there's a lot that lies ahead in my future and that of my friends. but instead of worrying about it, I'm choosing to see it as a positive thing. a future means more time for learning, growing, relationships, love, pain, etc. one of my close friends had a lot of shit thrown at him at once and was feeling lost. I wish I could've explained this to him better....but I was trying to accentuate this idea of the 6+ decades to live thing. cause even though life might be sucky and annoying right now....it could very easily be fantastic in a month. I am so happy to have had a great break, and even though going back to school is the worst, I know that soon enough I will be very happy again. so tonight's song is a little bit of a country twist. I really don't think that I like country...but a friend told me to listen and made me a playlist. so I did....and randomly now I enjoy a lot of it. I hate to admit it but it's true. so here is "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton...(also equally as great is the version by Dave Barnes....)

"God Gave Me You"

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

There's more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you
Yeah!

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm onlyHalf of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you
He gave me you

alright so this one is pretty self explanatory....I don't have one specific person in mind when I listen to this song. I am very blessed and a lot of people in my life that are gifts from God. over break I've recognized even more how I wouldn't be myself without these people. I find it amazing how there are people out there who want to listen to what I have to say and will hear me complain simply because they want to help me. a few nights ago, I was having a mini meltdown, and I didn't know who to talk to. I didn't really feel like bugging anyone, and it was also 1:30am. usually I talk to Julie when I'm sad, but she was having such a wonderful night and I didn't wanna bug her. so I texted someone different....thinking he'd be asleep. but miraculously, he was awake. and even though he had no idea what I was going on and on about, he listened to me and offered all of the advice that he could. he stayed up until 2:30am with me. that was really cool. and the next day I was thinking about how there were a bunch of other people that I could've gone to for help too. not everyone has that, so I truly am thankful. when I am lost or doubting things, I always have people to turn to. I wish I could listen to that song and think of someone in particular everytime....but it is actually pretty cool that it changes depending on what's going on in my life. I'd probably be able to think about every one of you when I listen to it. so it is flippin late right now and I should probably sleep. but to conclude I'd just like to say that I love all of the people who read this (all 5 of you....maybe less, who knows?!) and I know that God gave me each one of you for a reason. at some point, if I haven't already come to you, I'll need you, and I know that you'll give me support. (or not....that'd be awkward but I guess it's a possibility) and it goes both ways. even though things are likely to change and next year over winter break, I could have a bunch of new friends to be thankful for, I will always still be there for all of you. so thank you for making me smile and giving me such an awesome break.

He gave me you.


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