'cause there is a light in your eyes

peace. I feel at peace. there's just this feeling of serenity and bliss. I know it will probably be shortlived and can easily pass me by, but I am trying to absorb as much of it as I possibly can. I am feeling so relaxed that I'm even struggling to put words on this page. I feel like if I write too much and clutter it, then I'll take away from the simplicity and beauty and blissfulness that is this weekend. however, I want to try to share some of it so I'll write. It may not be as elegant as it could be, but I'm going to try my best. but before I talk about tis weekend, I need to back up a bit and set up the week prior. well, I was hoping to blog last weekend, however, I came home early from school on Friday with the stomach flu! WOOOO YIPPEE what fun!! I could hardly move on Friday let alone process thoughts and put them in writing. so instead I sat myself on the couch, watched TV, and slept a TON. oh and I got the honor of studying for my finals since I was bed ridden and nothing better to do. so I mean overall that was one of my fav weekends of my senior year thus far obviously! lolzzz no. it was quite rough. thankfully, I did recover from the flu, and I was all ready to kick some butt during finals week! woop woop! finals really weren't that bad this year. people joke that seniors "don't study" and don't care at all about their grades. but if you know me at all, then you can guess that clearly that wasn't me attitude. I was defininitely more chill about it this year, but I still put in time and energy. and by the end of the week, I was so mentally drained. my brain was a pile of mush. BUT I only had one final Thursday which meant that I got to go to breakfast with two of my favorite girls, which was lovely. then I just ran a bunch of little errands and eventually made my way over to Philip's house with my girl Mary. the three of us have been trying to spend time together for a really long time, but it never ended up just being us three. so somehow we managed to make it work on Thursday. we ate some of Philip's ice cream (because his family has about 10 cartons in their freezer at one time....no joke) and we just talked and laughed and enjoyed being with eachother. we ended up on the couch, of course, and were snuggling and kinda napping too...well atleast Mary was. It was pretty much the start to my peaceful attitude. lying there with two people that I care about so much about just made me feel full. full of happiness. full of joy. full of bliss. Bridget had said to me earlier that day that she couldn't eat any more of her breakfast because she was so full of happiness. I just thought that was amazing. you don't get a lot of time in life to do absolutely nothing and just hang with friends and be so full of good things. so after lying on Philip's couches and cuddling for a few hours, I made my way home and finished the day with two of my other favorite people, watching a movie. our little family was reunited, and it again made me feel complete and calm. Friday was very chill, with few obligations. me and two of my friends decided to take an adventure to find yummy froyo, and after our initial choice was closed, we ventured all the way to Naperville! it was just the best to not have to worry about how much time we had or what I had going on later that day. it was just us and our love for frozen yogurt motivating us. I had a poms game that night, and afterwards I was going to go to Jackie's house. unfortunately, I am no longer allowed to go anywhere that David is. so because he was going, I couldn't. my mom had a freak attack because David's family sent back our christmas card and scrawled "REFUSED" across the front with a huge "X" through it. it was awful. when I first saw it, I just held it and stared and stared and stared and stared. I didn't believe it. for all of those years, my family and I were supportive to David and to his family, but it became clear that they blame me for his problems. and there is no changing their thoughts. I don't know what prompted their actions, but by sending back that card, they made this into something so much bigger than David and I. it suddenly was an attack on my loved ones, and I will not have that. this is MY fight, not my parents or his parents. it doesn't and shouldn't involve them. my mom told me I would get in trouble if I ever talked to him again. even though it really hurt to be forced to shut him out of my life, it also felt empowering in a lot of ways. my mom reminded me that the David I was leaving behind is not the one that I fell in love with. it doesn't make much sense to me still, how this all happened I mean, but I trust that it's for a reason. so if it takes me unfriending him on Facebook, and blocking him on twitter and Instagram to stop the pain, then I'll do it. it seems so trivial, but it has helped a bit. just knowing that he can't see any of my life is somewhat comforting. I won't second guess what I post or think about how he might react to it. I can just live. it is sort of like a backwards way of answering my prayers. I've been asking for David's peace and happiness. maybe this is what will bring it....a life without me. if that's what he needs, then I'll give it to him. but anyways....that was a ridiculous tangent and I apologize. but clearly I couldn't go to Jackie's, so instead I went to Mary's and ended up cuddling with Philip again. and I found myself at peace once more. even though I lost David...his support, his love, his attention...I've gained so much more this year. I have a new, stronger support system, so much more genuine love, and deserved attention from those who want to listen to what I have to say. even just having someone like Philip be there for me is something to be thankful for. it's not the same as having a boyfriend, but it's still nice to have someone offering to be a shoulder to lean on, both figuratively and literally, of course. so this peace just continued throughout the weekend as I made my way to Stronghold with my church. we stay in a beautiful, magestical castle. it's 5 floors inside, complete with winding spiral staircases, hidden passageways, and knights in armor. on Saturday, I spent an hour just walking around outside with someone that I hadn't talked to in awhile. we used to be close but slowly grew apart over the years. we were somewhat forced to walk alone accidentally because we couldn't find the group. but I am really thankful for that. we were able to reconnect and just enjoy the beauty together. we even stumbled on this amazing little shack for arts and crafts. it was filled with encouraging scripture and quotes painted on wooden pieces scattered throughout. again, it just put me at ease. it was actually overwhelming to try to fill myself up with all of that glory and splendor. and on our walk back, I ran into another super sweet girl, and we just talked for hours as we walked in circles around the castle. we held hands and talked about boys and life and school and our futures and anything and everything it seemed like. I just felt so so so blessed to have that opportunity. seriously it couldn't have been more relaxing. and the best part is that other people spent their time doing different things...playing card games, resting in bed, playing hide and seek, snacking, etc. but everyone still was at peace. my favorite part of my free time was when I decided to do a devotional and take a walk alone. I figured I'd probably get lost since I am so directionally challenged. but I just followed one path and kept on it until I came to this small picnic table underneath this beautiful tree. I sat there with my bible and journal and I just spent time with God, with myself, with my surroundings. I complain about not being alone enough, but I was able to do it on Saturday. no one was around, and I was just worshipping in a meadow underneath this breathtaking tree as the sun set. it really was like something out of a movie. I won't forget it. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! the night became emotional when we did our senior meditations. the room was lit with beautiful candles that we had made, the lights were out, and everyone on the retreat was huddled close togther on the floor. one by one, each senior took a turn in the middle of the circle. we all reached out to touch that senior and we spoke to God about that person. we prayed to thank Him for putting them in our life, or just for showing us His love through them. it turns in to a huge sob fest as the seniors (that's ME) realize that we have to leave everyone soonish. it was powerful.
by the time it was my turn, my eyes were so dry, and I was convinced that I physically wouldnt be able to cry. but once the first person start talking and I heard her voice crack as she cried, I couldn't help but break down. over and over again, I heard people speak my name and thank God for allowing me to be part of their lives. it struck me how for each person, it was so clear what their gifts were from God. when people were talking about me, I was so amazed at how many said that I was a role model for them. that is the best compliment that I could recieve, in my opinion. I also heard lots of people say that I am sweet and easy to talk to about anything. that just made me so happy because I really really do LOVE to talk (as I am sure you're aware) and I want people to feel comfortable coming to me. but the very best compliment that I also kept recieving was regarding my strength and drive. numerous people said that they admired my strong faith and also strength of character. I have never really thought of myself of "strong". I often share my failures and admit when I'm a huge mess. but I kept hearing that people saw me as so strong. that was amazing. each person got their spirits lifted, and the night had a perfect end as we all cuddled in a few beds and stayed up late talking. I'm going to miss that next year. one song that comforts me and kept me sane during finals week is "Breathe In Breathe Out" by Mat Kearney....here it is....

Breathe In Breathe Out

Breathe in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubt
And everybody bleeds this way
Just the same

Breathe in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away
I would stay

We push and pull
And I fall down sometimes
And I'm not letting go
You hold the other line

'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
Hold on and hold tight
From out of your sight
And everything keeps movin' on, movin' on

Hold on, hold tight
Make it through another night
And everyday, there comes a song with the dawn

We push and pull
And I fall down sometimes
I'm not letting go
You hold the other line

'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out

Look left, look right
To the moon in the night
And everything under the stars
Is in your arms

'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
And there is a lie
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a ligh
tIn your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

first of all, this song was great for finals because when I was having a little moment of panic, I could just be super melodramatic and remind myself to "breathe in and breathe out". as dumb as it sounds, it actually helped. but what I mostly take away from this is the message of vulnerability. the opening lines are "Tell me all of your doubt. And everybody bleeds this way. Just the same". I like how the song reminds us that we all need be be vulnerable sometimes.  it is okay to say all that you are doubting. breathe in and breathe out and know that it can and will somehow work out. I also love the idea of there being a light in your eyes. this weekend we talked a lot about the holy spirit shining through other people. it can be hard to believe or understand if you don't believe in God or aren't religious. but I think it's more just about the concept that even the weakest people have some flicker of light in their eyes to hang on to. there is always a little bit more that we can give. sometimes all it takes is someone to recognize that and help make that light shine. tonight I also attended a really cool worship service for all youth groups in the area. and the youth pastor spoke about the concept of identity and answering the question, "Who am I?" would I be able to answer the question? and would my answer be changed based on what I do or what I have? it can be really difficult to define yourself. the pastor basically wanted to articulate the idea that we all have worth, and it shouldn't be clear as of now what we are "put on Earth for". and you won't neccesarily know after you decide where you'll go to college, or after you choose a profession, or even after you have a family. it takes TIME. as long as you understand that you are not defined by one thing, nor are you stuck based on what you do or say. it's about what you believe and how that light shines. this is probably so corny and bleghhhhh but I don't really care because that's how blissful I am. I thought it was kind of ironic how I finished my night watching The Breakfast Club. and in it, a group of misfits try to answer that exact question that the youth pastor posed....Who am I? in the end they realize that each of them is a blend of different qualities and they can't and shouldn't be stuck in one way. and I agree with that. high school is crazy because in the grand scheme of life, we are so so so young. yet people expect us to be mature and organize our futures, etc. etc. etc. I don't always know who I am or what the future holds. but after experiencing a weekend of peace like the one I've had, I am confident that God has great plans for me. I am strong. I am driven. I am compassionate. I am wonderfully and beautifully made.
 
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p.s. I really don't feel that anonymous anymore...but it feels sorta bad ass to sign off under that name so I'll continue to do it ;)