bittersweet. that seems to be the word I keep finding myself gravitating towards. it's like a good news/bad news situation. you always have to hear the bad news first before you get the good news. and today the bad news was that zack had to leave for college. but at the same time, it's good news because he's starting such an amazing experience and going on an incredible journey. of course, I don't need to tell him that and neither does anyone else. he's wanted this for his entire life, and then boom, the day is here and it's hard to go. it'd be easy to just stay home, stay in the same, comfortable routine...return to roam those familiar hallways in the fall, sit in your chair at the kitchen table for dinner, curl up in your bed at night, tell the same jokes with your best friends. it'd be comfortable, but something would be missing. where's the excitement in that? the adventure? I know it's easier said than done, but I admire people that can just step out of their comfort zones and trust themselves on new adventures. it's absolutely terrifying to leave home and start over and have to learn to be independent long before any of your friends have to go. but I completely admire all student athletes that are going for it. I could run at Tulane, but I've chickened out because I know it'd be too much for me. I'm too scared to try it and fail. but my friends that are competing in college are not only goin for it, but they're also leaving the security of their homes and saying goodbye so much earlier. that's tough. thankfully, zack won't be too far away. I can easily visit him and he could come home if he wanted to. but it's still a huge adjustment. I kept trying to be as supportive as possible by joking with him and poking fun since he really isn't going that far away. I was trying to justify why he shouldn't be worried. I was trying to be the strong, reassuring one. I realize now that my mom was doing the same for me. she kept telling me how it'll be totally fine once zack leaves and how it'll be so easy to see him regularly. she tried to make me feel less panicked too. but once the reality of zack leaving set in today, I wasn't feeling so hot. zack is a sensitive guy, no doubt about it, but it's not like he openly cries regularly. seeing him be sad was one of the hardest things. I wanted to be his rock and keep telling him that he was being silly for worrying so much. but to be completely honest, I'm a little scared too. I'm nervous for him because even though I am 100% positive that he'll love it and do so well, I know it's not going to be easy. and selfishly, I'll miss him a lot. yesterday all of his close friends got together and said goodbye to him. it never ceases to amaze me how well the guys get along. they just complete eachother. it's so fun to just watch them be complete idiots...they love eachother so much. it's awesome. zack told me that he just hopes people don't forget about him. I was taken back when I heard him say that....it's not possible to forget about such a loving, sweet guy. it was great to see how much his guys supported him, and I know they're not going anywhere. bridget and paige made zack these super sweet notes with watercolors and glitter etc etc. I could tell that it meant a lot to him that people cared so much. I made him a tie blanket and made him a cool card (if I do say so myself). again, it seems so crazy that we go so above and beyond, but zack is a guy that's worth it. and it's just a big deal to be leaving. and we care. tonight I just cuddled with him for a few hours and talked and stuff. it was exactly what he wanted and I can't complain (his hugs are the best). what was weird to think about is that I've been anticipating this day for a long time now. I still remember when zack and I had the conversation about whether we should officially "date" or not. we knew that he had to leave early on in the summer, and I remember talking to people about it and how I wasn't sure if it would be worth it. of course, I decided to go along with it, and I told myself I just wouldn't get "too attached".....oops. that failed miserably. but here we are, 3 months later, and we're staying together. life is crazy in that way. I never could've guessed that someone like zack would come into my life and that I'd be writing something like this. I feel pretty dumb for sharing this all right now but I guess it's just what's on my mind, and again, I doubt anyone is reading this anyways. and if they are, then they can probably handle what I have to say anyways :) but basically, zack just has a way of making people feel special and loved and cared about. of course he says goofy things and has no filter, but that's what makes people drawn to him. he has a huge heart and isn't afraid of embarrassment. I don't think I've ever met anyone who's as upfront and sure of himself. he always seems to know what he wants to say. as if I couldn't tell by the way he treats me, he just wanted to reiterate multiple times tonight how much he cares about me and how much I make him smile. I just feel lucky to have him and also excited about supporting him through his new adventure. tonight's song is I Lived by OneRepublic. here it is....
I Lived
Hope when you take that jump,You don't feel the fall.Hope when the water rises,You build a wall.
Hope when the crowd screams outIt's screaming your nameHope if everybody runsYou choose to stay
Hope that you fall in loveAnd it hurts so badThe only way you can knowIs give it all you have
And I hope that you don't sufferBut take the painHope when the moment comes, you'll say
I..... I did it allI..... I did it allI owned every second that this world could giveI saw so many placesThe things that I didYeah, worth every broken boneI swear I lived
Hope that you spend your daysBut they all add upAnd when that sun goes downHope you raise your cupOh, oh
I wish that I could witnessAll your joyAnd all your painBut until my moment comesI'll say
I....I did it allI....I did it allI owned every second that this world could giveI saw so many placesThe things that I didYeah worth every broken boneI swear I lived
Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh (x4)
Worth every broken boneI swear I livedWorth every broken boneI swear I
I....I did it allI....I did it allI owned every second that this world could giveI saw so many placesThe things that I didYeah worth every broken boneI swear I lived
Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh (x2)I swear I lived
so to go back to the idea of pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone, I feel like this song is super relevant to my life, zack's life, and the lives of my friends that are college bound. if we keep worrying about our futures and stay focused on trying to replicate the good things that we found in the past (like old friendships, hobbies, etc) then we won't be living fulfilled lives. when I'm old and gray, I want to be able to say, I swear I lived. not only does it sound super bad ass, but it means that I really gave it my all and did some things that I wasn't always planning on doing. I took some risks, and I embraced the outcomes of my situations. I really love how the first line says "Hope when you take that jump, you don't feel the fall." I know that this is a huge jump for zack, and I know that so far, he's had that feeling of dread right before you're about to drop down on a rollercoaster or about to jump into a freezing pool. but what I hope for him is that he isn't focused so much on that fall....the one that makes your stomach twist and your hair stick straight up. I hope that he instead prepares himself for the landing...the rush you feel when you finally reorient yourself and resurface in that cold water. my other favorite part is "I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain". I really like to be involved in everyone's lives...sometimes a little too much. I know that it's going to be hard for me to not be able to give zack a big hug when he needs one or see him light up when he sees the field for the first time as a wildcat. but I know that he's going to be living and that's what's important. until my time comes, I'll have to just know that I'm doing the same thing, but just having some different experiences. and of course, I hope for his sake that he doesn't suffer, but "takes the pain" because he's going to come out so much stronger, mentally, physically, and emotionally after his journey. and I'm so looking forward to seeing him shine. so moral of the blog would be that it's totally okay to step out of your comfort zone. in fact, I highly recommend it. I'm still working on being brave, but I'm so lucky to have found someone like zack who motivates me to be a better person and who shows me what it means to be selfless and dedicated. I really hope that when you take that jump, you won't feel the fall. remember that one day you hope to say, I swear I lived.
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