most nights, I don't know anymore...

hi hi hi! happy Friday! TGIF LOLZ. it's super weird actually because during the summer I feel like a Tuesday and a Friday just feel the same. and that's so awesome.....I wish it was like that all the time. but I guess Fridays are just extra special when we're in school. its easily my favorite day of the week because even though we have school, the whole day is just joyous and I never do homework on Fridays so that's great. I'm excited to actually hang out with more people this year too. because I have a few poms games on some Friday nights obviously, but for the past few years, I'd spend a lot of my off Fridays with David. and that was fun, but this year I'm excited to be with my friends!! alright so today was a good day! it was the first day in awhile that I didn't have to do silly college apps and lounge around being bored and what not. so I woke up early again and worked on my poms dance....it's coming along pretty well so far. I just want it to be super good so I hope it turns out super sassy and what not. I just said super two times in a row....oh well. ok so ya we did the poms dance. and then I got my sports physical....I go to the family practice place in my town, and even though the doctors are really nice, I feel like they don't know anything. they told me last year that I was 5'10" and then randomly this year I'm 5'9"....okay ya that makes so much sense? and then they like have you touch your toes so they can check your scoliosis and I jumped up and down 15 times, they got my heart rate, and I got a shot. and boom I am randomly healthy. okay works for me I guess.  so ya I did that and then we had a poms luncheon thing with mommas and daughters. so we all hung out and stuff which was nice and we ate some yummy food which makes me happy always :) So then I went shopping with my buddy Greta for stuff for toga day! isn't that crazy?! I'm gonna be a big bad senior, wearing a TOGA already!!! in a WEEK! that is crazyyyyy! but I'm so excited. so we went to hobby lobby and bought some sassy stuff for it. like some gold rope and a cool headband and it was lovely. then while we were there we ran into Julie! crazy right?! how did that happen?! so ya we followed Julie back to the school and helped her decorate the stuco board. and it took awhile because Julie is a bit of a perfectionist with that stuff so we made it look fantastic. then I went home and got my backyard ready because my baby Freshmen from wyldlife camp this year came over! I was their camp counselor, and I just love them so much. so all but one of them came over and we hung out in my backyard, made smores, chatted, listened to music, etc etc etc. and it was just lovely to see them because I miss them so much. it's crazy because they are only freshmen, but they just seem so much older! I feel like when I was their age, I was so immature and annoying and had no wisdom what so ever (not that I have much now...but I like to pretend that I do) one of my girls said tonight (when we were discussing boys and why we probably shouldn't judge them by their appearances), "I guess I just don't like to only think about how hot a guy is because you wouldn't want a boy to do that to you, you know? there's just a lot more than looks!" WOW WOW WOW! I was taken back by how smart that is. she said that like it was just so obvious. and the best part is that the girl who said it seriously is beautiful....like guys probably will just flock to her in high school. but I can tell that she won't give them the light of day if they aren't sweet. that makes me so proud. I just pray that they all are successful and keep being friends with each other and don't get caught up in dumb high school drama. but the best part of the night was when Julie just walked around to the back and was like, "ummm HEY GUYS!" I was so happy to see her! :) what a sweetheart! she just showed up and it was precious. so she hung out with us and just added a positive energy to the evening because she is obvi my fav. and I love that she just came. so then we drove everyone home (which I love....because the girls can't drive yet obviously...so it's a blast to drive them around and play obnoxious music and what not) so then Julie and I just drove home and she helped me clean up and we chatted and what not. I love her. it's just awesome how comfortable I am around her. which reminds me....the other day, we played this weird game where both people say, "1,2,3" and then say a random word. so for example we would say things like, "1,2,3 pizza!" while the other person might be like "dogs!" so Julie and I were playing it and on the 5th turn, we both go, "PINEAPPLE!" and then crack up cause we randomly said the same thing. it was hilarious. so clearly she is my other half. so tonight's so is slowly becoming more popular...it is "Some Nights" by FUN. Julie is loving it at the moment and we listened to it quite a few times today...so here it is...

                                                                    "Some Nights"

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore...
Oh woah, oh woah, oh woah oh oh
Oh woah, oh woah, oh woah oh oh

This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype - save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, but here they come again to jack my style

And that's alright; I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? mmm... mmm...

Well, Some nights, I wish that this all would end
Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win...

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know... (come on)

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?

No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on
Oh, come on. Oh, come on, OH COME ON!

Well, this is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home; Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call "love"
When I look into my nephew's eyes...
Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from...
Some terrible lies...ahhh...

Oh woah, oh woah, oh woah, oh oh
Oh woah, oh woah, oh woah, oh oh

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...

wow ok so I mainly chose this song because Julie kept singing it today and wanting to hear it, and it also has a very catchy beat. but I have never really taken a good luck at the lyrics. they are deep man! wow. I still think one of the best lines is just, "Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for o What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know anymore..." I am not sure what this song is about exactly because it seems to jump around quite a bit, but you wouldn't really be able to tell from just listening to the beat and the music that it actually is kind of sad. I don't like the idea that you don't know what you stand for. another powerful line is the one about not wanting to die alone. honestly, that is one of my biggest fears in life. I am scared that no one will ever love me and I will die alone, without children, without a husband. without anyone. I know its super unrealistic but who the fuck wants to die alone? that takes a lot of strength and independence to be a single woman all your life. I want kids so baldy (not yet obvi) but eventually, and I am so scared that I won't have any. my mom always says Ill end up with like ten kids....I wont dont worry, but still. and another thing in the song that I find interesting yet sad is that he sings about not knowing what he stands for on some nights. but then it changes to most nights....something seemingly small yet important. its like he suddenly realizes that he has no idea what he is doing with his life and just has to escape to make something of himself. and then there also seems to be some weird love interest mixed in possibly. I am sorry because I am probably ruining the meaning of this entire song but hey! that's why this is MY blog so I can do whatever the heck I want. maybe this song is also about war....that's what I originally thought. like he decided that his life didn't have much meaning so he joined the army so he could find purpose. then again, who is the ghost that he references in the beginning?! so many questions. maybe its the ghost of his past?! I don't know. I'll ask Julie....I bet she knows. anyways...I guess now when you hear this song you will have a LOT more to think about. maybe thats a good thing or maybe not...who knows?! I also like when he talks about how some nights we all could use some friends for a chnage. it is just incredibly true. because we all could use some love. well I just hope that we all find love one way or another some day and that we will find something to stand for. no one wants to die alone. 

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger 

P.S. someone also told me tonight that I changed their life. so ya that just made my day and nearly brought me to tears. I don't think that I could have changed their life because that seems crazy but if I did, then that's what I stand for. or at least what I live for. I live to see happiness and love and compassion through others.