honestly just sitting in bed with my computer open to this blog is making me feel 1000x better. blogging for me is so cathartic...it helps me get all of my random thoughts down and just be honest and actually process what has been going on in my life. during the school year, time is such a strange thing. in school, it passes painfully slowly, but at home, it goes way too fast! I'm on facebook and I'm texting a friend and then suddenly its 8pm and I still have 20 pages of AP bio and I have to study for a micro quiz and I need to edit the stupid college essay and still continue to text people and solve problems and check my twitter feed for pointless little updates on frivolous things and make my lunch and snack and feel guilty about snacking and think about how I haven't run in forever and wanting to run but lacking the time and desiring to do sit ups to get a flatter tummy and wanting so badly to read my seventeen magazine that has been sittng idle on my counter for two solid weeks and half paying attention to the TV shows my parents are watching and listening to music and wanting to throw my freaking phone out the window and just STOP. and breathe. and do nothing at all. because that list could go on forever and ever and ever. but I decided to end it to spare you a headache. point is, there is a LOT going on, and there doesn't seem to be an endless amount of time. I say that I want to live my life to the fullest and be positive and spread love and joy etc. etc. etc. but it is so incrediby hard not to get bogged down by all of this filler. and thrown on top of it all is my faith. I always leave out God. I listen to K love radio station whenever I can so that I can have a form of worship, but honeslty I put Him aside a lot, and even though I claim to be a follower of Christ, I often feel like I don't have "time" for him. I tell the girls that I lead that there is always time, that we have to make time, that He will be there always. but then I doubt myself when there are weeks when I am struggling and can't even fit in 10 minutes to pray. that sounds so dumb because if I put my iPhone away for a few hours, I'd be much more productive and could make time. but it's almost like I want to be busy and distracted and fill my time with this junk because it is a lot of times easier to complain about being busy and having homework then it is to stop it all and actually reflect. don't get my wrong, reflection is wonderful. it's what I am doing right now actually! but it is scary too. I don't like dissecting my every move because frankly, I am often ashamed of how I act or what I do. ashamed might be too strong of a word though, maybe just embarrassed? or bored by my actions? I feel like I should be doing so much more than still being so dang monotonous. but at the same time, upon reflection, it is much easier for me to notice that I actually have been doing a lot and actually having an amazing year so far. it sounds dumb, but my form of reflection recently has been via facebook. because it was my last homecoming (I'll discuss that soon, don't worry) I was inspired to look at old facebook albums to inspect the ghosts of Homecoming's past. I then went through my entire "senior year" album to check out what I've been up to and what not. and I really was satisfied. sad that I needed the facebook pictures to remind me of the memories I've made, but that's why I took the pictures in the first place. sure, we all selishly enjoy getting "likes" and comments on our cute pictures, but I honeslty do enjoy capturing the memories. some say that if the memory is important enough, you'll remember without the picture. I'd have to disagree though because when I look at certain pictures, I can suddenly recall so much more about what was going on in that moment (what ifelt, who I was with, how my life was at the time, etc) and without the image, I doubt I could recall all of it so specifically. I guess this whole blog has kind of been one long tangent so I should probably get into something substantial so that any creepers can know what I have been up to! well let's back track to two saturdays ago...a day after my last blog. so it was the day of the white out soccer game and it was also the day that I met Jacob (my HC date) for the first time. so I had a super obnoxious white out outfit on, complete with the awkward white pants, t shirt, bandana, etc. but mama T made me change so that I made a good first impression and blah blah blah. okay mommmm....so I put on a cute sweater and white shirt and I will have to admit that I did feel much cuter and was satisfied with my outfit choice. so I met Jacob and we hung out at the game and later went to the school play (which was suprisingly wonderful!) and had a lot of fun! he was a sweetheart and he also is very cute....but actually. ok so I was just happy because I was so glad that he wasn't awkward and I had a feeling we would have fun at Homecoming together. oh and we went to DiNicos (two nights in a row wooo!) which is always good. and we got shitty hot chocolate and wandered around Lagrange....and we all know how much I love Lagrange so I don't need to rant about that again. alrighty so then we had....dun dun dun....HOMECOMING WEEK! or as we like to call it in poms terms....hell week part dos. we have so many practices for poms and its loco! BUT it was a wonderful week because my beautiful Julie was chosen to be on court and my heart melted and Bridget was too and so was sweet Jill! so I honestly felt like a proud mama and wanted to just let everyone know that those are my best friends! to make it even better, JILL WAS CROWNED THE QUEEN! I started crying instantly....wow. ahhhh so that was wonderful! it would've been cool to make court, but I never ever expected it, and I don't know if I already said this in the last post, but several different, kinda random people told me they voted for me. so that was sweet and made me smile. ok so then we had our huge pep rally performance and even though I was mad for awhile about being put in the back corner, it was still so fun and I sassed it up for the senior section which made it all worth it. then we had Homecoming of course....the final one!!! it was so bittersweet because I love Homecoming, even though it always is so drama filled. this year, it actually was nearly perfect though. the group of people I went with just made everything sooo much easier and we all got along so well. so we had the whole parade of course and the game and then I met up at Mary's house to take some pictures before the big pictures. and Jacob looked so cute all dressed up and I was so happy. it sounds so dumb but I was all giddy like a little girl! haha so then we took more pictures with everyone and had a fantastic dinner. and the dance was very enjoyable too! I love to dance, so I usually have fun, but this year was extra special just cause it was the last one and a lot of my friends actually went and enjoyed themselves. and Jacob tried really hard so I give him props for that!! haha so then a few of my closest friends and I had a sleepover and it just made me so happy to think about how far we have all come since our awkward freshman year....oh boy. so much has changed, not all of it for the better, but I think that the positives definitely outweight the negatives. alright so I apologize for the obvious choice of song but I had to! especially after Homecoming and everything...my girl Taylor has a new song so here it is...
Begin Again
Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do
Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do
And you throw your head back laughing
Like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause
He never did
I've been spending the last 8 months
Thinking all love ever does
Is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe
I watched it begin again
You said you never met one girl who
Had as many James Taylor records as you
But I do
We tell stories and you don't know why
I'm coming off a little shy
But I do
And you throw your head back laughing
Like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause
He never did
I've been spending the last 8 months
Thinking all love ever does
Is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe
I watched it begin again
And we walked down the block, to my car
And I almost brought him up
But you start to talk about the movies
That your family watches every single Christmas
And I want to talk about that
And for the first time
What's past is past
And you throw your head back laughing
Like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause
He never did
I've been spending the last 8 months
Thinking all love ever does
Is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe
I watched it begin again
But on a Wednesday in a cafe
I watched it begin again
this song has been on repeat in my head and on my phone and computer for the past week. from the moment that I heard the first line I knew that I was gonna love this song. honestly it is just very real and relatable. not to bash poor David, but by the end of our relationship, I was feeing pretty shitty, for lack of a better word, and I was hopeless. looking back, I think about all of the things that I did that made him so mad, and I changed myself to please him. for Taylor, it was when she wore high heels. for me, it was when I chewed loud or fast, or when I spoke too loud, or sang along with a song in the car, or interrupted him, or didn't want to kiss him, or just was "so obnoxious". I don't know...just a laundry list of nit picky crap that drove him crazy. and of course I probably could make a list of things he did that annoyed me too. but hearing this song reminded me that one day I will be with someone who loves that I talk too loud and will appreciate my "obnoxiousness" as a beautiful gift. as dumb and cheesey as that sounds...it's true! Julie is someone who, as you know, gives amazing advice, but is also rarely cheesy or cliche. and even she told me that I need someone who can appreciate the fact that I might be a little bit too loud or excited about life....but who cares?! that is what makes me, ME. also I am 17 years old so I have plenty of time to fall in and out of love. I know that I talked earlier about how time is passing by so fast, but thankfully, I think that I still have so much time to fall in love and learn from relationship mistakes. because you have to date a few frogs before you find the prince (well THAT was a horrible cliche...wow that makes me want to be sick....oh well). basically...I'm not saying that Jacob is that second chance or anything because I don't think I really like him like that at the moment (I've met him twice....haha). but it was just so refreshing to spend time with someone else and not be picked on for my flaws. oh, and he opened and closed the car door for me. David never did that for me....ever. not once in 3 years! so that made me smile. but I felt stupid later cause I still should've given Jacob a kiss on the cheek or something. all he got was a crummy hug since we were in the car when we said goodbye. I'm a dummy. oh well....we will hang out again so maybe then! we will have to wait and see. but if I learned anything from this experience....it's just that sometimes you need to take chances and see what happens, and also that you should always try to embrace your flaws because somewhere there is someone who can love you FOR those flaws, not despite them. ok that's all I've got for now!
<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger
oh and I made my profile pic a picture of Jacob and I and it currently has 40 likes...sad that I know that and actually care but it did sort of make me smile. time for a fresh start! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment