you are more than the problems you create; you've been remade

happy saturday/by the time this is posted it'll be sunday! so I guess happy selfie sunday to everyone!! I think the last time that I blogged was from Tulane. I have to try to think about what's happened since then....well last weekend we didn't have any homework since we were supposed to work on college apps, so I pretty much stayed inside all weekend to do them. friday, saturday, and sunday baby! WOOO THAT WAS AWESOME! except I got 4 of them totally done and sent in so that actually was enjoyable. plus on saturday night a group of us went to statesville. randomly it wasn't even that scary!! Jacob came with us too which was nice! and so I pretty much surgically attached myself to him and he was cracking jokes the entire time and the people in the haunted house were making of fun of him so that was enjoyable. alright so side note, this blog isn't going to be posted till way later than when I started it because I as babysitting, then the parents came home, then I returned to my house, got in bed, and here we are! so as I was saying, Jacob went to Statesville with us and it was fun! not that it matters, but in case you care (which you don't; but this is my blog so I Will do/say what I want) I don't really know if I "like" him or not. we do text a lot and he is always super nice, but I'm just unsure. I honestly switch off everyday. one day I'll think, yep I do like him. and then the next I'll be taking a quiz in math and think, no way; I don't like him. I do not know. I am a silly one. oh well! I think we will hang out alone next weekend and that may clear some things up for me. oh and he brought two friends with him to statesville and one of them was extremely attractive. andddd he asked for Julie's number so YOU GO GIRL! woo! alright so that pretty much sums up that weekend. then we had school all week; yay school! I don't really feel like it was all that eventful in terms of the actual school related stuff. I had a cool field trip to the city and we saw "The Book Thief" as a play. I really really love that book and recommend it if you haven' had the pleasure of reading it yet, but the play was really good too! I may or may not have teared up a bit at the end...it was good! then we had lunch at navy pier...classic english field trip style. and it was hilarious because we sat outside for part of the time and my friend got so scared over the birds and so she screamed and yelled and made a huge scene and things were flying and it was freezing and we had to go inside. oh and I got a McDonald's cone because I love them, except it cost $2.10 instead of $1.10....so needless to say, I was semi pissed. but on the bright side, they were handing out free jamba juice samples! (holla!) (holla for a dolla honey boo boo childddd) sorry I had to. ok so then Friday (yesterday) was sushi Friday at lunch which is always a plus. hurray for that! oh and I had a ridiculous amount of tests at the end of the week but I got em all done with few problems so cheers to that. I don't know why I just said cheers....I suppose if you're drinking while reading this then cheers! if not...you can pretend to hold a glass up and cheers for shits and gigs. wow sorry it is late so that is probably why I am being so weird. actually who am I kidding? I am usually this odd. ok so another big part of my past 2 weeks has been drama revolving around the boy. and my the boy, I mean David. I am just trying not to speak his name or say anything about him, good or bad. because its painful and frustrating to bring him up and he has been the topic of conversation a lot lately. my beautiful and wise friend Paxton reminded me of this trick of not speaking his name or acknowledging his existence...so I'm gonna try that. and I am doing it in combination with Julie's advice of snapping a rubberband on my wrist everytime I am tempted. I started today and there is a deep impression where the band was all day. ouch. it is going to take some getting used to. but it is helpful. so I don't know if I really want to hash out the story because it is hypocritical but I will anyways cause I feel like writing it all down usually helps. pretty much David is now dating a sophomore girl who he claimed he didn't like and wouldn't like. even after they first hooked up he told me it was nothing. then they're conveniently together. and so people are weirded out and he is a mess. because to be honest, he doesn't have many close friends anymore and even his golf friends have kinda ditched him. so now he is pretty much stuck with this girl who doesn't have the best reputation with guys (not that I should be judging because that isn't fair since I don't know her and David claims she is very nice), but basically I picture him isolating himself and getting really attached. and then them separating and him having nothing. and not only is he older than her, but they've already gone far and I just think that's icky. and apparently her parents walked on and them and I don't know why I know all this but I do and I almost wish I didn't. and then he comes to me for guidance and I'm so conflicted because I want and need to help him but then again I feel the need to be honest with him.  so I kinda just told him straight up that it made me uncomfortable and I wasn't very warm and fuzzy. gahhhhhsfhahflafiodhdio. sorry that was simply necessary. but whatever. it just still hurts a shit ton to see him with another person. I think that is the dumbest part of a break up. 6 flipping months later and I am happy and don't miss him and would not want to go back to being with him; yet I can't stand him with another girl.  I guess I kinda am glad that she's younger and that people think it's weird cause it is easier for me to feel uneasy about it. that sounds horrible.  I do want the best for him, but sometimes it is just simpler for me to act all upset and bitchy about it. but I am done with having any attitude or opinion about it because I am no longer speaking of it. or I mean I can and just wind up with scars on my hands from the rubberband....and I don't want that. but that did help to sort it out with writing. ALRIGHT ENOUGH ABOUT THE BOY. actually, what boy....? I don't know any boy who is worth wasting my blogging space about? ;)

UNLESS that boy/man is Channing Tatum. I am perfectly fine talking about him. mmmmm Channing.....let's all take a moment of silence for Channing and his perfect body. okay that was great. well I should probably get to the whole song thing for this post considering it's 1:29am...well tonight I had a little bit of trouble choosing a song because I've been going back and forth between 2!! as of right now I still don't know which one to choose. but I am randomly feeling this one song only because it is less popular than my other possible choice. this song is called "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North.  here it is....

"You Are More"

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

 

ok so I try not to choose religious songs, only because I know that not everyone who reads this wants to hear me babble about religion. but then I remembered that this blog is for me and I and not trying to please people with it. plus my faith is part of who I am so if it bothers you, then we will have to just work around it! also I feel like this song has more of a universal meaning that one solely about faith. this song is fairly straight forward to me, but I sent the link to it to the boy (see above rant if you forgot who 'the boy' is) and he didn't totally get it. so I'll explain it in case you don't see if how I see it. when I hear this song, I picture someone who has messed up and either has a large regret, or just feels like they are stuck and aren't good enough for love. I see this applying to pretty much anyone. in the music video for this song, all of these different people write their regrets and past struggles on a chalk board, and in the end, all of it gets wiped clean by water. the words are super diverse and are unique to each person. that is my favorite part. each person has an inner demon that they want to get rid of, and almost all of us feel hopeless at some point. but this song says that each person was created with a purpose, and even though you might create problems or make stupid choices, you are MORE than all of that crap. its not about what you've done, but what's been done for you.  its not about where you've been, but where your brokenness brings you to.  I think God tests us with hard times so we can grow from them and learn. he made me and you and everyone else with a set idea in mind of what he wanted, and he would never change that. he sees us as beautiful and flawless no matter what. and you can always be remade. even if the whole God thing isn't for you, you can still always start over. don't let your past or a reputation or anything hold you back. I think I am going to make a list of all of the things that are holding me back and are dragging me down, and then I am going to burn it or rip it or just let it fly away outside. it sounds dramatic and dumb, but I think it might help me to realize that I AM MORE than all of those little things. my wonderful friend Bridget once told me that when she looks to the stars, she remembers that we are just a teeny tiny part of this huge world, and our problems aren't really problems at all. that's what I think of when I hear this. I need to get over my insecurities and failures and allow myself to be remade. I am worth it and so are you. oh and another thing that I almost forgot; last night, I got to perform (for poms) to shake it out. I blogged about this song before because it's one of my favorites. we did a lyrical routine, and even though it was sort of odd and I suck at lyrical, it felt super empowering to metaphorically shake it all out. I see a connection between this song and shake it out because both remind us to get rid of all of the crap and bottled up hate and anger and everything and let loose. ok so the moral of this blog would be 1) don't let the past hold you back 2) don't change who you are to please people (I didn't address this directly, but its been on my mind) and 3) remember that you are MORE than the choices you've made, your past mistakes, and any problems you've made. you can always always always be remade. learn from mistakes and embrace those flaws!

 

much love

 

xoxo

anonymous betch (lolz jk I meant blogger)

 

PS shoutout to my loyal BFFL abby for checking this blog every single night for a new post...that is dedication! love you babe

PSS if your read this blog, I clearly love you since I believe a total of 8 people have the link for this. so happy sweetest day (it was yesterday shhhh) LOVE YOU!