nobody said it was easy. no one ever said it would be so hard

YO. I kinda wanted to blog everyday over break, but unfortunately I haven't done that. I'm not really sure why. I really do love writing these blogs, but I think I've just kind of been lazy. seriously, for the past week I've just been sitting on my butt doing pretty much nothing. I have, however, snuggled with my friends and spent time with some pretty great people, and that's been nice. oh and I met a new friend too. so yay for that. I love how everytime a break rolls around, I always act like I'm going to be productive and what not, but instead I waste the days around and get nothing done. and that drives me crazy. I'm the kind of person that needs a schedule. I like being busy and seeing people and doing anything other than being bored. sometimes I forget to slow down a little bit and be silent and relax. I really like being in constant communication with people, which is good and bad. it's nice because I feel really close to my friends, but it also sucks because it means that I have my phone with me at all times, since I'm almost always texting someone. and I feel really weird when I'm not with people. I have trouble just sitting alone somewhere and being happy. so I guess if I've accomplished anything over break, it's the ability to find some peace while being by myself. I'm still working on the whole silence thing though...silence isn't my fav. usually when I'm alone, I'm listening to calming music or singing. right now, for example, my family is asleep upstairs, and Cleo pup is in the other room. so technically I'm alone. but there's still white noise. I'm listening to one song on repeat (like I always do when I blog), and my keyboard is click click clicking away. and my phone is softly buzzing next to me, of course. so I guess I'm never in total silence. except when I sleep....but that doesn't count, does it? anyways....point is: I haven't done much, but I'm sorta glad that I've allowed myself to just decompress and get collected. but at the same time I wish I would've accomplished something great. or atleast read a good book. but hey, I have a whole week to do whatever I want (except I should probably study/finish up college scholarships). but in between all of that I am going to read and do things that I normally can't do when I'm crazy busy during the school year. oh and today I became a yogi....what is a yogi, you may ask? well, a yogi is someone who does yoga. and yes, they are seriously reffered to as yogis. but anyways, Paxton invited me to go and I was sort of tweaking because it was HOT YOGA! ahhhhh. and I don't really do yoga....except in adaptive PE class, but I don't really think that counts, does it? anyways, I got up "early" (8:27am) this morning and started my day off right with some hot, sweaty yoga. and I actually felt so so so great afterwards. it sounds dumb, but the instructor tells you to focus on bringing in something good to your system and exhaling all of the crap that you need to get out. so I tried, just for an hour, to focus on my breathing and my body and just mentally relax. and there was silence. the teacher spoke, but her voice was like a soft hum, and the music that played was calming. usually, when I look at myself in the mirror, I notice my imperfections instantly. the pudge in my stomach, my huge, rounded nose, my large thighs, my not so toned arms, etc. etc. I would hope that's not what other people see when they look at me, and of course there are so many things that I love about myself too, but I tend to usually notice the negative parts first. but during yoga today, I looked in the mirror, and I saw a powerful, beautiful girl. I hate myself for saying that because I do realize how ridiculous I sound. but even though I wasn't wearing makeup and I was sweating profusely, I felt proud and I felt renewed and I felt strong. mentally, emotionally, and physically. it was a nice feeling. so I guess for the next week (since I get a free week at the yoga studio) I'm going to go to hot yoga. ok so that was today, but I'll throw it back a few days....so there's a very sweet girl that has Autism and is in Peer Buddies with me. I've known her since her freshman year (she's a junior), and she's always just been really kind but also kinda shy. about a month ago, she started meeting me at my locker before I walked to lunch, and I'd chat with for a few minutes. she has a hard time in social situations because sometimes she doesn't know how to maintain a "normal" conversation. it doesn't really bother me, but I'll admit that it can be frustrating sometimes because I feel bad if I can't follow her train of thought. anyways, she had asked me several times before school got out if I'd hang out with her over winter break. so I gave her my phone number and told her to just text me after christmas. sure enough, she texted me on December 26, and we made plans to get lunch. she asked if she could bring along one of her friends, another Autistic girl in Peer Buddies that I know, and I brought one of my friends too. I went to pick the girls up, and the first thing they started in on was bickering over who got to sit next to me in the front seat. they looked at me for an answer, like I was supposed to choose between them! so I told them that one could have it on the way there and the other on the way back. it was an interesting start to our little lunch date. so once we got inside, we each went to order separately. while one of the girls was ordering, she hesitated a little bit with each question that the cashier threw at her. it seems so easy for me to order my chicken sandwich, no onions, and lemonade. but for her, each question reqiured more careful thinking and planning. I was proud of her for doing it on her own, and she seemed satisfied too. what pissed me off was the man who had his arms folded across his chest, impatiently standing behind her. he looked so incredibly flustered, like he'd never heard anyone fumble over words before. it ticked me off. I'm glad she didn't seem to notice, but I wanted to look at him and say "HEY! haven't you ever struggled with something before? ya....I thought so. leave her alone!" but I couldn't. instead she just seemed like a disorganized, rude teenage girl to him. lunch went fairly smoothly, with the occasional lull in conversation here and there. it was actually really nice to talk to her one and one and focus on only her. it made it much easier for me to understand her thought process and care about what she had to say. she told me that a lot of times, girls in her grade unfriend her on facebook or block her on instragram. and she wanted me to tell her why they would do that. she looked at me with this innocence and said, "I liked this girl's pictures on her instagram and commented on a few, and then she told me I was creepy and she blocked me. I don't understand. don't people want 'likes'?" well....it took me a moment to process it and try to produce a reasonable explanation. but...she was right. people DO like "likes" and acknowledgement. but only from certain people. in her mind, she was only being friendly, but to an outsider, she was being a stalker. she told me how she doesn't know who her friends are because sometimes when she says hi to people in the hallway they say hi back, but other times they completely ignore her. I was hurting for this poor girl. could you imagine being a 16 year old high school girl with only one or two friends? even though she has Autism, she isn't physically disabled. she doesn't look any different than you or me. unless you talked to her for awhile, you might have no idea that she has special needs. you might just think that she really is creepy or weird or annoying. people just don't like to slow down and give people like her the time of day. even I'm guilty of ignoring her sometimes when I don't feel patient enough to understand her. but I am glad I listened. because she isn't dumb. she's still a teenage girl just like me, and she wants to be loved by her friends and family like I do. but instead she feels like an outsider and she doesn't understand why it has to be that way. sometimes I think it'd be easier for people like her to be visibly different. because then people would atleast somewhat understand that she had special needs. it sucks for people like her and for people like my cousin Nick, who's also Autistic. because someone might look at him and think, "hmmm....he looks like a nice, normal boy". then they'd talk to him, get confused at what he's saying, and ignore him. of course, not everyone shuts people out like that, but I just mean in general in high school. when we were at lunch, she told me that she always loves seeing all of the pictures of my friends and I on facebook and instagram. she said, "you must have a lot of friends". I honestly didn't know what to say. I guess I take my friends for granted. I do realize how lucky I am to have such awesome friends, but I don't really think twice about texting someone when I'm bored or need encourgement. and I don't really get super excited when someone likes my photo on instagram. and I don't really consider myself super lucky when I cuddle with my friends and watch a movie. that stuff seems normal to me. but to her, that is really special and awesome. and I hate that she may never experience that. I don't expect everyone to be her best friend, but I do wish that more people would realize how much a quick smile or hello could mean to someone like her. it doesn't make you "less cool" to like her instagram post or text her back every once in awhile. I'm learning to set aside my ego and listen to what more people have to say. it's pretty cool what you can learn when you just learn to slow down. tonight's song is "the scientist" by Coldplay.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles; coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science; science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

okay so I had a hard time deciding what song to choose because I almost chose "slow it down" by the lumineers. but I didn't wanna seem like a poser because I don't totally know that song yet. and I usually only blog about a song if I know it inside and out. but I might write about that one soon. who knows?! anyways....this coldplay song has been a favorite of mine for a long time. I used to sing along to it and I thought it was good, but I didn't start really loving it until I watched the music video. the whole video goes in reverse and shows what could've happened had things just been slowed down. in the video, he goes back to "the start" to sort through the mess that has just become his life. I really like the first few lines of the song, "You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you. Tell you I need you. Tell you I set you apart" I know I've said this before, but I'm a huge supporter of being very honest about your feelings and telling people in the moment exactly what you have to say. in the song, he is saying that he needs to find her to let her know that he loves her. and then clearly I also love the line "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard". I feel like this is just so applicable in life...to SO many situations and things. maybe just to life in general. no one tells you "life is going to be pretty hard...." atleast no one ever told me that. and I guess life really isn't that bad. but you don't hear people saying "Life is easy!" either. I live an easy life by most standards, but there are times when I think, damn this is hard. why didn't someone warn me?! and I completely wish I could go back to the start and figure out where the puzzle pieces fit and where I may have gone wrong. but sometimes you just run and run and run in circles and never actually get anywhere. and I'm not totally sure if this song relates to what I talked about earlier, but pretty much, I realized that this concept could apply to my friend more than I had ever thought. I'm sure she might think to herself: no one said that making friends and being in high school and socializing was easy, but no one warned me that it would be this hard. she is constantly "running around in circles". it doesn't seem very fair. so I don't know if this song has a clear solution to this madness, but I'm going to suggest that we all slow it down. listen to other people, build some confidence in yourself, spend time alone, be silent, and appreciate what you have. and also give people their time to shine. don't let life pass you by so fast that you forget to listen and appreciate others. my wonderful friend Bridget recently reminded me that "things" don't matter: people matter.

xoxo
anonymous blogger

PS happy new year! next blog will be about new years resolutions possibly? who knows?!?!