I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was

HEYYYY! so this is a bit crazy considering it is a random Wednesday night and I AM BLOGGING. usually I only blog on weekends because sometimes a blog can take me upwards of an hour depending on what I'm writing about. which means that it takes me a solid 10 minutes to reread my blogs as well...I usually just skim them all cause I get overwhelmed by all of the words. I'm not even sure why you guys bother to read these....they are SO LONG! BUT I am hoping that you get something out of them possibly. I really wanted to blog last weekend but the house that I was babysitting at didn't have wifi!!! gahhhh so that was quite frustrating. so I guess I am kinda making up for that tonight. plus it is awesome to be able to do this on a school night because I just know I am going to feel so relaxed and at peace when I am done writing this. then I can sleeeeep. so last week I told another friend about my blog (which brings the grand total of possible viewers to 11 people!!) which also means that I have found 11 amazing people to love and be thankful for! of course there are other people that mean the world to me besides those 11, but if you do read this, just know that there's a very special place in my heart for you and I love you dearly. (as my freshman year english teacher would say) but anyways, I told my friend about this blog and I was interested to see what he thought of it. he is a very honest guy, and I didn't know if he'd be a little scared by what I've written. he only recently has warmed up to my craziness and has kinda learned how to handle me, accepting me for the good and bad that come along with being my friend. I know that most of you have seen my emotional side and pretty much understand that I am a person who confronts problems head on and is pretty open when I am hurting. but he hadn't totally seen that yet until recently. so pretty much, I was hesitant. but then he told me that after reading a few posts, he felt like he saw a more real side to me which made me happy. and after I didn't post this weekend, he said he was disappointed. I'm not sure why, but I found that to be pretty cool. so this post goes out to you bud! welcome to the fam of 11 who can see this. hurray! so tonight my beautiful, wise friend Paxton proposed an interesting question to Julie, Betsy, and I (as she does most nights). but tonight the question really resonated with me. she asked, "what word describes you during the course of this past year"? I couldn't really decide what I wanted to say. I just kept thinking about how I've changed a lot over the year, but then again, hasn't everyone? don't we always change? I'm not sure why, but this year I've just noticed the changes a lot more. not physical ones I mean, like emotional ones. I've matured a lot (atleast I pretend I have...my mom would beg to differ), I've grown in my faith, I've built stronger, more meaningful relationships and got rid of the ones that were useless or harmful, etc. I wasn't really sure how to sum that up with one word...but I decided on liberated. this year, I've been liberated. liberated by god, by my friends, by myself, and I've liked that feeling a lot. tonight's song is one of my favorites. it's called "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath...here it is....

"I'm Not Who I Was"

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wondered if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back againLike a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' its a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
That I never did forget your name
Hello...

Oooo Nah nah nah nah nah

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...

so this song is used for something called carboard testimonies for young life. it's pretty much where you write something honest and personal about yourself on one side of the carboard, then you write how God has changed/helped you with that struggle on the other. I've never done one personally, but I've seen a lot of amazing ones and have been able to see how God has worked in tons of lives. this song is one that usually plays while people unvail their testimonies. if I had to write one for myself it might be something like, "Drained by striving for perfection" and "Perfect in the eyes of God". I don't know...I made that up on the spot. but that's just an example. the point is really that we all change and it can be interesting to look at who we used to be. to me, this song represents my liberation. david has been saying to me recently how I've "changed". it was bugging me because I didn't want to admit that I had. I was hoping he was wrong, that I was still the same person that he had loved. but when I really stop to think about it, I HAVE changed. but change doesn't have to be a bad thing. I think I've changed in good ways too. sure, I might be a bit more stubborn or cold now, but at the same time, I've learned how to open myself up to so many new people, I've been adventurous, I've let my guard down, I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone, I've accepted some new people into my life, I've let some go, and above all, I've been liberated. I really did used to be mad at David, especially when he would claim that I was "different" now. in my eyes, it was like he saw me as some monster who just incapable of love now. but like the song says, "I used to be mad at you, A little on the hurt side too. But I'm not who I was. I found my way around to forgiving you some time ago. But I never got to tell you so..." I think this is really cool. sometimes when you take a step back and reevaluate situations, you are able to see how the true problem might just be that you have changed. it was hard for me to accept that, but once I did and I stopped blaming him, I was able to forgive and stop hurting. sure, I wish I could show him how I'm not who I was, but that I love who I have become, but that'll come in time. I also love the line that says, "I found us in a photograph. I saw me and I had to laugh. You know I'm not who I was". for my psych class, I had to bring in pictures of myself when I was younger. looking at the photos made me question who I used to be versus who I've become. I asked my parents all sorts of questions about if I was an "easy or diffcult" baby, if I ever was shy, how I acted with friends, what my favorite toy was, etc. I really really wanted to know if I was still the same girl. but looking at some of those pictures of me at age 3 was just strange. it didn't look like me. all I could do was laugh because had it not been for the big brown eyes staring back at me, I wouldn't have connected to that stranger in the picture. and I guess that just made me realize even more how we change a LOT over the course of our lives. you may be thinking, "no shit...obviously everyone changes. cool point bro." but I think that instead of dwelling on the fact that people have changed since their cute little diaper days, we should be thankful! I am lucky enough to be at an age where I can mold myself and be whatever version of myself I want. of course, my parents still have a huge amount of power over me, but I feel like at this age, I can really try to have a secure sense of who I am. that's what I am working on going forward. I am finally satisified (well, for the most part) with who I am, and even though I know that is bound to change, I will vow to embrace who I am in the present as much as I possibly can. because I LOVE that the person in the mirror is no longer a stranger to me. others may see me as "changed" for better or for worse, but I will just smile and know that even though I'm not who I once was, I am happy with who I am. so friends, to conclude tonight, I'd like to remind you all that even though you may feel like a mess somedays, or everyday, try to focus on who you are and who you'd like to become. God made us each specifically and He called us by name, meaning that you aren't going to be able to trade places with someone, as much as you might want to. but what I do urge you to do is to get a feel for who you are TODAY. don't worry so much about who you used to be, but instead try to embrace your current, 17 (or 16 or however old you are) year old self. we have so much more life to live, and things are going to change, but don't let the fear of changing stop you from experiencing life to the fullest. *gahhhh I am beating myself up over these cliches but oh well* so MORAL IS exactly what Brandon says in the song, "And the thing I find most amazing in amazing grace. Is the chance to give it out. Maybe that's what love is all about." try to help others see that their life is a gift and they should embrace who they are and learn to love their quirks. and even though sometimes I wish I could prove to others that I'm not who I was, it's not even important as long as I know who I currently am. and that's all I have for you, folks.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

p.s. this weekend I am going to be on work crew for YL (and I am estatic for it) but that also means I probably won't be able to blog. but I am hoping that maybe I can on Sunday because I know I will have lots to say after a fun filled weekend. ok goodnight my loves...thank you for reading all of that <3