To trust. To hope. To care.

I am disappointed in my lack of writing. I am a SECOND SEMESTER SENIOR YOU GUYS!!! whattttt?! when did that happen?! I thought that this meant that I could just do absolutely nothing and write all the time and eat and hang out with my frandz and not do school. right?! wrong. I still have to attend school, and I actually have been ridiculously busy due to track season starting while poms is still in season. it actually has been super weird though because I've already noticed myself relaxing about school related stuff. I don't know if that is necessarily a good thing, but I kinda like it. I've kinda adopted this attitude of going with the flow. I've actually been doing things on school nights after practice and am just embracing this new attitude, since it's likely going to catch up with me and then I'll get scared and revert to my old ways. so for now, I'll live a chiller life. my brother said he would love to go back to his second semeter senior year. I was thinking about it, and the fact that a lot of us are already in college and are just truckin along, trying to just graduate, is kinda awesome. never again will I be able to spend time with my friends (who are the greatest people ever) and be an idiot on the weekends and not give a shit about school and STILL pass with a stupid NHS tassle while also playing high school sports. It is weird, but it's also really cool. this is the last time that I get to be a real athlete...how sad is that?! I know I have an entire track season ahead of me, but I went to watch my friend's gymnastics meet and it hit me that so many of us are done. she's been competing since she was a little one, and it's crazy to think that her 'career' will be over in less than a month. of course she will still be able to flip whenever she wants and won't be giving it up anytime soon, but it's still pretty much the end. for me, it's weird because I won't be able to just run hurdles whenever I want after track is over. I mean, I can always jump over things, like benches and shit, but the whole racing aspect of it is what I love the most. when I run hurdles I feel so powerful and kinda bad ass. It's really freeing and gets me psyched. It's funny because usually I'm not a super aggressive person, or atleast I try not to be, but when it comes to track, I become a crazy woman! today I had my first meet and when I got to the line to run my hurdles, I became so focused. I charged at the first hurdle and just got so aggressive. it's not my nature to be like that, but it's so different once I'm out on the track. I'll miss that. I don't think I'll be able to channel that agressiveness and drive into anything else. anyways....I really don't know how I got on that tangent and it actually has zero things to do with the supposed focus of this blog. but hey, my blogs never have focus, and that's the best part! I can just write about anything and everything and ramble and not care because no one actually has to read this. if you're reading it, then you are more than welcome to stop at anytime! speaking of blogs, recently one of my friends stopped blogging publicly because she realized that sometimes blogs become a really weird way for needy people to reach out to others and publicize all of their feelings that don't need sharing. it's almost just some weird attention seeking outlet. it makes me sad that I can't read her writing, but I agree with her. some people do such a good job at just writing what they want and not letting their "audience" influence it, but I feel like other people get so caught up with sharing personal things yet being vague about it that it becomes annoying. that's why I enjoy having this be somewhat of a secret. it's just like a diary of sorts, but I can also share it with people I love and just talk through it. plus I don't need to worry about who might see it, since I figure no one really cares to read pages upon pages upon pages of me rambling ;) SPEAKING OF RAMBLING: I am rambling and am not getting the the point of this blog! so here we go! last week in AP psych we talked a lot about optimism and attitudes and how they can affect your mental and physical health. not surprisingly, we learned that by taking a more optimistic outlook on situations, you are likely to live longer and be physically healthier. I just love the idea that simply by changing your attitude about stuff, you can increase your lifespan. like WHAT?! I know everyone always tells you that you should be positive and keep smiling and look at the glass as half full....but sometimes all of that just sounds like a whole lot of blehhhhhh. there are days when you hear that and think, "yaaaa you should probably shut up now before I punch you or throw this 'half full' cup of water at your face" okay maybe not THAT far....but you get the point. it can be super annoying to be positive all the time. and that's not what the psych book suggested. instead, we were talking about how to combat those overly negative thoughts and worries that bug you. it's sorta like what I learned in therapy about avoiding the "freak out". the freak out is that what the fuck moment when you decide to sulk and panic about unneccesary things and be really really overdramatic. but then after it all works out, you feel so dumb for wasting time being so anxious and annoying. the psych book didn't exactly describe it that way, but it basically said that next time you overreact, you should reason out how realistic your claims are and realize that you're not actually going to be doomed by whatever happened. so somewhat ironically, this was all put to the test with me this week. two of my close friends go into a complicated fight of sorts, and I ended up smack dab in the middle. don't get me wrong, I love them both dearly and wanted to help, but at the same time, I didn't totally like having to play mediator. I felt like I was straddling that uncomfortable bar at the lunch table that no one likes. it was unpleasant and frankly, it was awkward. but I did my best to be positive and optimistic for the both of them and overcompensate by being extra cheery. I was hoping that it would either rub off on them or just leave me feeling more satisified. but by the end of the day, I crashed. I was a super bitch at track, and I couldn't be happy anymore. so, like I always do, I threw a huge pity party and decided I needed to change my approach. however, I soon found myself wrapped up in two more situations with different people, and I became so frustrated that I wasn't able to fix any of it. it was just a hug pile of crap at my doorstep and it wasn't going away. thankfully, after a few days, I helped my friends that were fighting make up. and I was dumb to think that everything was okay. because of course, days later, they had a meltdown and it all fell apart. and there was still me, straddling that bar at the lunch table, trying to fix it. I couldn't put anything together without messing it up. I was learning all about how to be optimistic and how changing my attitude could help tremendously. yet I couldn't believe it. people were coming to me for comfort and clearly needed answers, and all I could do was manage to leave them just as broken as I had found them. I was frustrated, to say the least. but then Bridget came to me as a savior, like she frequently does, and without knowing it, she gave me the answers I needed in the form of some good music suggestions. I listened to the songs she gave me, and I felt so much better. the one song that especially helped was "The Ballad of Love and Hate" by The Avett Brothers. so here it is!

The Ballad of Love and Hate

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
With a serious look on his face.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
Of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
Cause he might never see her again.
Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm your and that's it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm your's and that's it, forever."

You're mine and that's it, forever.


I absolutely love this song. when I heard it for the first time, I was just in love with the idea of the story. even though hate is always present, love is willing to give him a chance and be patient. of course, me being the crazy analyzer that I am, I used this song to remind me that I will never be able to fix everyone's brokenness. I don't like seeing anyone hurting, but like the song says, hate will always be around. but by offering some love, hate just might come around. maybe sometimes he won't, but that's okay because love will always be there. I love when the song says "you're mine, and that's it, forever". love wouldn't even be anything if there was no hate. how would we even be able to appreciate it? one of my favorite parts is "Love takes a taxi, a young man drives. As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes. But tears follow after, at the end of the ride, Cause he might never see her again." I think this is kinda the attitude that I have a lot of times about certain situations. I get so overwhelmed when people are struggling, so I try to offer love. but then instead of just being thankful that some small things are going right, I think about what could and might happen going forward and how I might never see love again in a situation or a frienship. but that's so dumb of me to do. I know that sometimes it isn't clear how I am helping people, and it frustrates me to no end to not see clear "fixing" occuring, but I have to have a little faith. sure enough, the day after I listened to this song, my friends made up. and I even had them write eachother letters, just like love and hate do in the song. (I know I am the most ridiculous person to have ever roamed planet earth, but hey, it was worth it!) so I guess what I am saying is just that love is tricky and I know that it seems as if everything would be great if it were all just perfect and awesome. however, hate is just always gonna be around. he roams the streets with a "serious look on his face", and he can sometimes spoil the good stuff. BUT, you have to also remember that love can come along, "Carrying with her the good things we know. A reason to live and a reason to grow. To trust. To hope. To care." I can't fix everything, as much as I want to. but atleast I can trust and hope and show that I care. so I am satisfied with being able to do that. and as for my issue of always meddling and being caught in the middle, I've decided to not really look at it as such a problem. I'm using my "avoid the freak out" method and realizing that it's not so horrible to be straddling the lunch table bar. it makes more room for people at the table, and it helps to show me how to make others more comfortable before myself. I want so badly to keep writing, but I have to go to sleep because it's late and I have another big day ahead of me. BUT I feel like I missed out on so much that I wanted to write about so hopefully that means I'll have to write again soon!

xoxo
anonymous blogger <3 <3 <3

P.S. I love my friends...a lot. and I especially love Julie for reminding me this week that we haven't spent enough one on one time together lately. that just made me really happy because I almost always miss her, but I sometimes forget that she might miss me too. so hi jules...you are still and always will be my favorite. we will spend so much quality time together very soon, and as long as you are happy right now, then I am happy. please see I'd never make it through without you around  if you need reassurance or read your birthday card/record. you are wonderful.