so this is what you meant when you said that you were spent

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. so incredibly happy and blessed and feeling blissful. I know that I am a fairly positive person, or atleast I try to be one. but today just put a LOT of things in perspective and I am feeling very thankful for that. I am bummed because I haven't bologged in a solid month and that makes me sad. gahhhh I always say I am going to make time for blogging and then I fail epically! is that how you would spell that word? EPIC-ly....? regardless...I need to go to sleep because it is past 1am and I just started this post. which is bad. but I really do want to write it although I am not entirely sure where I am going with it. you know what is really sad? I have to reread my last post to see what the last thing I talked about was! IT'S BEEN SO LONG! actually I guess the last time I blogged was October 20 which wasn't that long ago...but it's still 13 days too long in my opinion! ok well since that post, plenty of things have happened. first, my rubberband trick with the whole David situation did not work. he sits across from me at the freaking lunch table so that causes some issues. however, I had such a wonderful breakthrough today. I finally told my mom the truth about how he has been treating me and what kind of stuff he's been saying. so she told me that she would handle it and that I shouldn't text him anymore. because anytime that I do I end up feeling like a mess. he needs real help; help that I can't give him. so I'm passing this along to the adults. which is a very very scary thing to do, but it's the right thing. I feel so ridiculously relieved. of course, I'll feel better once he gets better, but for now, atleast I know that it's not all on my shoulders. earlier this week, my mom and I actually got in a huge fight about how I never tell her anything and how I am always so rude to her at home. I felt terrible because I have been tuning her out lately. only because sometimes when I get home from school all I want to do is retreat and be alone and just focus on finishing all my crap so I can sleep. I spend all day at school trying to be social and smile and be kind, but when I get home, I just need to turn it all off and relax. but that is so unfair to my parents because they are the ones that really love me and I shouldn't shrug them off so easily. so then I told my mom I've just been under a lot of stress lately, and she said she understands and will always be there if I need to talk. and then today I just broke down and told her everything. so it was just crazy to me how it all worked out. just when you think that everything is shit, life somehow manages to get put back together. I never understand it, but I appreciate it, a lot. another crazy thing happened this weekened. my best friend's little sister was in a car accident along with 7 other sophomores at my school. their car rolled after they turned a corner too fast. thankfully they are all okay. my friend's sister is the most injured, but she is doing well. it was just such a wake up call for everyone. life is precious and can be taken away so easily. we need to cherish the moments we have and remember not to get careless. I couldn't help but think about if that had been me and if I hadn't made up with my mom...what if I was in that car and got really hurt or almost died? and my mom and I were fighting....? of course there was no reason for me to have been in that car but it still could have been anyone. I always hate that it takes something like this to pull people back in and make them realize how fragile our lives really are. but hopefully it did open some eyes. obviously people will be smarter while driving, but more than that, I would hope people would just take some more time every day to remind the people that they love how much they do love and care about them. I know I always tell myself I will do it, but I rarely do. hey! today is selfie sunday...no better way to spread some love than to send a beautiful selfie. if you are reading this right now and are near your parents or siblings, I dare you to just stop right now and go hug them. just do it. did you do it? if not, go do it now.











ok all of that space is simply to accomodate for the hugging time. I really hope you did it. I'm gonna hug my mom and dad and puppy tomorrow and tell them I love them. you should too. ok so I don't know what I am saying but the song is "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. It's kinda gaining popularity and I am sorry if you are already sick of it, but I enjoy it. I didn't really understand the lyrics but randomly today they just clicked with me. so here we are.....

"It's Time"

So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the topDon't look backTurning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

ok so this song is kinda complex. but I am ready to tackle it. starting with the first line. "So this is what you meant when you said that you were spent. And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit, right to the top." so when I hear that I just see somehow who finally has kind of hit a rock bottom, or just has hit a wall. they finally appreciate what it means to just be so completely done with something and the only direction they can go is up. when I hear these words, I can't help but think about how I was feeling with David. I just hit a wall, hard. and I finally started to appreciate what it meant to be spent. just DONE. then the song goes on to say that it is time to begin. so I like to see this as the fresh start. even though it is terrifying, sometimes after we hit that low, we just have to start all over. even though it is so comforting to fall back into our old ways, that won't get us anywhere. when I hear, "I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was", I think of somehow who gets that little ego boost from something that used to make them happy. in terms of my relationship, I still sort of get this weird sense of happiness when I talk to David and it is so easy to fall into the trap because I am just used to it. so when we talk, I feel myself getting a little bit bigger. but when I really think about it, I am still the same person, and I am never going to change who I am just to get this small ego boost. it just isn't worth it. so I come down from the faux high and remind myself that no matter what the circumstances, I am not changing who I am, for anyone. one of the most powerful parts of the song is where it says, "So this is where you fell, And I am left to sell. The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell, Right to the top." I just think about the line, "the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell". that is powerful. basically it is just saying that life throws you a ton of crap and ya, it sucks sometimes. it is hard to always admit it, but we often experience clouded hell. but thankfully it is going to work itself out. like the situation with my mom, it just took a few ups and downs until it got sorted out. it is definitely weird and annoying that it happens like that, but that is life. ok I am exhausted and making no sense at all and I am really mad at myself for sucking at blogging lately. but I just want to address one final line. sometimes breaking free from whatever is putting you on this temporary high and is giving you this false feeling of joy can be lonely. "This path never seemed so lonely". sorry to be a stupid cliche, but choosing a different path sucks sometimes, and you may have to brave it alone. but don't be afraid to do it. ok so I have no idea what the moral of this blog is and I think I confused myself even more about the meaning of the song BUT...1) life is precious. cherish it. hug your friends and family 2) be thankful for what you have 3) if you are in a rut...don't be afraid to get the hell out!!! 4) I didn't even mention this but tonight I babysat (shocker I know) and spent time with one of the wonderful girls that I was a counselor for at young life camp over the summer. and she is a freshman and wanted to talk to me about boy trouble. and so she babysat with me and we got to talk for a long time, and it just was amazing because even though my David situation sucked, I used my newly discovered wisdom to help her. so basically what I am saying is that all of the shitty stuff happens for some reason. and sometimes we won't even learn the reason, but we have to trust that some good can come out of it. OK GOODNIGHT IT IS REALLY LATE!

xoxo
anonymous blogger