ello. so since we are on thanksgiving break, I have been wanting to blog since wednesday night. but I thought that I better just save it for tonight and therefore I could fully explain the entire break/long weekend. well it certainly has been an eventful break. I guess we can start with tuesday night. so after school, I was making a left hand turn and I got a ticket because the arrow was turning yellow instead of green....my bad. so the cop was all pissy and gave me $120 ticket. plus I have to go to traffic court, take an online course, and I am on probation. so if I get another ticket within a certain time frame, I could lose my license. so I mean that was a wonderful way to start break right?! I am surprised I didn't cry. I was more just pissed because I don't want to pay that. the reason that I spend countless hours with small children (besides the fact that I do love them) and don't always see people on the weekends is because I am making money from babysitting. and then $120 is just down the toilet. oh well, what can you do? just don't turn when the arrow is turning yellow okay?! don't. it puts so many people in danger according to the officer (BULLLLL SHIT) ok anyways that was way too long of a rant. so after that, I was feeling fairly shitty. however, God has blessed me with two angels that have recently become a large support system for me. we often find ourselves at TCBY, laughing and poking fun at eachother while also just being happy that we are together. the trio is kind of unlikely, and it's very cool to me that we have gotten so close. so the three of us took a trip to TCBY and after some yogurt and some love from my faux family I was feeling a little better. then I had a college interview at starbucks, which went well. except I ran into my spanish teacher/coach which was definitely interesting. and to finish the night, one of my friends that I miss dearly came over and we just talked and cuddled in my bed. I spend a lot of time with her during my track season, but when we aren't running, I don't always get to see her. but just being with her for an hour was enough to make me remember why I love her so much. her wit and sass and courage and compassion are just so visible...even from a short conversation. so that was actually such a lovely end to my day. then I had a 1/2 day on wednesday, and I actually enjoyed myself. I'm not sure how, but I guess since we didn't do anything in class, it was just nice to be with everyone and not stress at all. teachers were very chill and just let us socialize and just be blissful. it was nice for a change. then I went to Jill's house because her house just makes everything better. and we made pie and painted our nails and sang and I was very happy. later that night, I went to my cousin's saints day celebration at her house. I wasn't super pumped for it, but I ended up really liking it! honestly, I think I love my cousin a little bit more every time I am with her. of course her spunk and humor makes me smile, but it's gotten to be more than that. I just feel so lucky that we are related because I know she isn't going anywhere. thanksgiving was pretty nice too...we got together with the same side of the family that we were with on wednesday night. so that was good and bad. it was a little overwhelming because I can only handle so much of my family. but then again I am VERY thankful to have them, even though they may be crazy. as corny as it sounds, I really really am blessed. not only do I have two parents that love eachother and me very much, but I also have amazing aunts and uncles and the best grandma in the world. not everyone is so lucky, and I can't take my family for granted. and of course, I really love my friends. I know I probably have expressed my love for them a lot, but I tried to make an effort on thanksgiving to reach out to the people that mean the most to me and just let them know that I really am thankful to have them. again, it sounds dumb, but I like to think that God puts people into your life with a purpose in mind. over the summer, I became closer with someone. at first, it was just nice to have him to talk to and his comments always made me laugh. but recently, I've found myself confiding in him a ton, and miraculously, he listens. I don't know why I chose him or if I should be telling him things or if I am crazy, but for some reason I just feel like I should. I just love how your relationships with people take crazy turns, for better or for worse. it was ironic because on thanksgiving morning, I woke up thinking that I would text David and let him know that despite the craziness, I still really care and am thankful that I have him in my life. however, I woke up with a text from him explaining why I am the immature one and how he was told that he was 'completely normal' while I need to change. reading that was a huge slap in the face. but instead of arguing or freaking out, I just was calm with him and told him exactly what I had planned to tell him...that I was thankful. and what do you know? he started being honest and apologized by admitting that he really is thankful for how I have tried to help him, even though it's been a little bit too much at times. for him, that's a huge step. it will take a long time for him to recover and start feeling "normal" again, but I am glad that he is on the right track. so on friday, I went downtown with Jacob, and it was awesome! he honestly lives in the middle of nowhere, so even taking the train for him was huge. it took him over an hour on the train just to get to the city. it was really sweet of him to go thru all of that trouble. but we did have a really fun time so that's good. we went ice skating and we ran around macy's like crazy kids and we got hot chocolate at the kris kringle mart and we just goofed around. oh and we took selfies in the reflection of the bean of course ;) It's not like I am expecting a relationship with him or anything, but it's been SO eye opening for me to see how some guys treat girls. not that David always treated me poorly, but he was just more introverted and sometimes could be a bit uptight. Jacob just made me laugh the entire time, whether I was laughing because he was trying to be funny or because I was just laughing AT him. he just has a childlike giddyness about him that I envy. I joked with him that he was a baby, only because he is younger than me and says things like he is a little kid. but honestly I think a lot of us would be much happier if we looked at things the way he does. he would just grab my hand and be like, "don't think so much! let's just walk!" while simultaneously putting money in the salvation army tins and wishing people a merry christmas. it just made me smile. and I needed that. BUT I am very lucky that my day didn't even end there! once jacob was safely on his train and I made it home, I saw my friend via that I had visited at Tulane because she is home for break. so we caught up a little and I just loved seeing her so ridiculously happy. she missed her school so much and wanted to go back already! then I spent the rest of the night just talking with three wonderful people in my friend's basement. it was very simple, yet exactly what I wanted. and today I got to catch up with a lot of college friends, and it makes me very happy to see that they are loving college and are doing well. I hope that next year when I'm home 1) my senior friends willl want to see me and 2) my friends and I will be loving school and will be happy. that's all I want. ok so tonight I watched a walk to remember with a bunch of my girlfriends. it sounds incredibly lame (and it is) but I loved it. I'll admit, the movie is so so so cheesy and ridiculous, but it somehow manages to make me cry everytime. when mandy moore sings "only hope", I openly weep. it is very embarassing, but it's true. however, I didn't choose that song. instead, I chose a song that played during the movie that made me think. and that song is "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot. here it is....
Dare You To Move
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before
I've always really liked this song, but I guess I never realized how repetitive and seemingly simple these lyrics are. recently, I stumbled upon something that I wish I hadn't, and I found out something that I wasn't supposed to know. I'm not sure if that's ever happened to you, but it actually has happened to me several times. and when it's something serious, I get stuck in this weird spot because I don't know if I should pretend like I didn't see what I saw and just push it aside, or whether I should meddle and try to help. I usually end up meddling and trying to fix everything, but I feel like I usually leave things more broken than when I found them. it is annoying because I wish that I could just let people deal with themselves and trust that they will be able to sort it out on their own, but I always, always, always find myself in the middle of things. I can say over and over again that I'll stop meddling, but I don't know if that's going to happen anytime soon. because even though my meddling probably sucks and I'm sure I've annoyed atleast one of you by doing it, I like to think that maybe, just maybe, my constant annoyance will reep some kind of positive result. in the case of what I found yesterday, I of course jumped in instantly. and instead of it seeming like I wanted to help, it probably seemed like I was being a nosey bitch. the problem is just that I get incredibly nervous when people are suffering from depression and are hurting themselves. it doesn't really scare me anymore because I know that it effects a lot of people that I am close to, but that doesn't make it a whole lot easier. I know that depression and mental illnesses are sicknesses, just like cancer, but to me, that means that they should be treated. I still don't totally understand why I should ever sit back if someone is in pain, even if I don't know them particularly well. I'm not sure what I could do to help them, since sometimes the pain and hurt is far beyond what I could ever do to "fix" them. but if they're sick, then it would make sense for them to get treatment or some form of "medicine" wouldn't it? I am sorry for meddling, but I can't help it. as cliche and annoying as it may sound, I really do think that everyone deserves to be happy, and they definitely shouldn't be miserable and feel like they hate themselves to the extent of wanting to inflict pain. I know that a lot of it is out of their hands and is due to just being sick, but I think that if that was me, or that was my child, or my friend, I would want them to get help. especially if they couldn't speak up for themself. no one should have to swallow their pain and suffer. so I guess to relate this to the song, I'd say that I dare you to move. whether you are someone in pain or you know someone who is hurting, please do something about it. I know that people always tell me that sometimes people who are suffering from depression or self hatred feel like they aren't worth the concern or time or attention...but they are. it's crazy to think about, but we are all so interconnected that one person's pain is likely to affect way more people than just that one person. so by not speaking up, we are in turn hurting more people and ourselves too. the line that strikes me in this song is "Where can you run to escape from yourself?" I obviously don't know a ton about how it feels to loathe yourself, but you really can't ever escape yourself. you are in a sense "stuck" with who you are. but that's the way God intended it to be. it is easy for me to simply say this, but everyone was put on this planet with a purpose. God didn't want you to scrutinize every part of your body or panic about what others thought about you. this will sound dumb, but one of my favorite things to do when I feel self conscious about my appearance or my body is to read Seventeen's body peace treaty. in it, you pledge to respect yourself and your body because it is a temple. you do this by not harming it through undereating, cutting, ridiculing it, etc. so many people, especially girls, feel this extreme pressure to have perfect bodies, but no one has one. so quit picking on yourself and try to LOVE what you have and who you are. even if you have curvier thighs, maybe you have a super skinny waist that lets you flaunt sassy dresses? or I am sure people are jealous of your beautiful, big eyes, and do not notice if you have some extra belly fat. BE CONFIDENT. own what you have and stay HEALTHY. and if you are feeling miserable about yourself, all I would say to you is that I DARE YOU TO MOVE. pick yourself up off the floor and try. salvation is here. and if you're someone like me so often acts like a coward and is hesitant about meddling, try not to view it like its meddling. my friend told me that even though I might not think that what I say to those who are hurting is helping them, it might be, so why would I risk stopping? so I am sorry if it annoys you, but I will continue to meddle. to conclude, I want to also address these lines, "Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell". when I hear those, I just think about how each day is a new opportunity to start new and move forward. redemption can help you recover and grow and it is always an option. so, one more time, I dare you to move.
xoxo
anonymous blogger
P.S. sorry for the sudden change of pace in this blog from start to finish. I just had a lot on my mind and wanted to get it all out. also I am sorry if my blog has turned in to some weird self help thing....it's not supposed to be but oh well.
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