give me grace to forgive them cause I feel like the one losing

hi! happy saturday/almost sunday! I couldn't really decide whether or not to blog tonight, but then I just thought why not?! because it usually makes me feel a lot better so that is what I am doing. however, there are a few different songs that are floating around in my head tonight, and I'm not sure which I'm gonna choose or what I am even trying to convey through this blog. but that's fine because I don't really write this for anyone but myself (that sounds bad but I am not trying to impress anybody by this) so I guess I can write total gibberish if I so choose! hafhoeuoafdkgfkadhfakjfhewoh....see? that was really funny. ok so I guess I should address my week/weekend so far. well it was definitely an eventful week, but I feel like most weeks are. except even though I felt like everyday was a new crazy adventure while it was taking place, when I think about it now, I can't even remember what really happened. I do know that I saw a brain disection which was awesome. psych is just a great class.....so I touched the brain too (with gloves of course) so I guess that was pretty cool. gahhhh it is actually annoying me that I can't even think about what I did this week. I guess that's good and bad. it goes to show that even when things seem crazy in the moment and I'm stressing, pretty soon I will forget all about it. and that can be sorta bad because that kinda defeats the purpose of everything I did over the week. if I can't even remember what happened then what the heck was I wasting my time on?! its weird how much easier it is to remember what I did on summer days versus school days. school just blends all together and is kinda like this weird mush. days get lumped into weeks, weeks into months, and months into school years.  no one says, "hey remember that one week of freshman year when....." instead people just talk about the entire year like it was just one big experience.  I have no idea where that tangent came from but oh well. however, I do of course know what I did this weekend. so that's good I guess! yesterday I babysat for a family because I was covering for my bffl abby. and I got to hang out with the cutest 4 year old girl. we did a craft and colored and danced to t swift of course! and so she was precious and made me smile. and then I went to a sleepover with my freshmen young life girls. ok so please feel free to laugh at me.....get it out of your system. yes, I had a sleepover with a bunch of freshmen girls. BUT, get ready for this...it was actually awesome! we watched the twilight series in honor of the new movie coming out next week (I'm going to the midnight premiere what what?! ya I have no life, I am aware) anyways, we watched some twilight, mostly just for Taylor Lautner to TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF! I scream everytime. I can't help it. ok so amongst the squealing and what not, we also just nommed on snacks and, shocker, had heart to hearts. if you know me at all (and you should if you read this blog...if not; please get out. I am scared) then you'll know how much I live for heart to hearts. I mean the name sounds so dumb, but pretty much I just enjoy being honest with people and hearing how they're doing. I love when I can get someone to open up. it makes me feel so great only because I really like talking to people when I am upset or have something on my mind. other people like to keep that tucked away, but I like to believe that secretly everyone sometimes just wants to vent. so I like to let people know they can always come to me. and no, it is not just because I thrive on drama or anything like that. It is just cool to see someone after they've opened up. gahhh I sound super annoying but whatever. I think that is why I am going into psychology...I just like listening. which is odd considering what a blabber mouth I am. (I've gotta remind myself to come back to that idea in a bit) regardless....the girls were all just sharing stuff about high school and it was super cool to see them just helping each other out and making me a proud mama. it is crazyyyy how nutty the freshmen class is though. I feel so bad for these girls. it is really really tough, and I was a freshman only 3 years ago! it is ridiculous how much things have changed. but I have so much confidence in my girls and I know that they'll make smart choices. one of my girls was telling us about how she is really worried about this girl who posts depressing statuses about how everyone hates her. so she made sure that this girl knew that she would always be there if she wanted to talk. at first the girl held back, but now they chat a lot and she even tells her if she feels like hurting herself so that she can get her help. I can't imagine having all of that on my shoulders at 14.....wow. when I asked her why she decided to get involved, she just answered like it made total sense, "well if I didn't step in, then who would?" ahhh it just made me so proud. while I have been complaining about all of this with David, here's a 14 year old who is reaching out to people she barely knows that are upset. I only wish I could be as brave and strong as her. ok so side note; I am gonna make a jump back to my reference to me being a loud mouth. well last week at school a club put on an anti bullying presentation, and it was all about how people can percieve you the wrong way without getting to know you. we are all guilty of it, whether its intentional or not. the people in the club wore shirts that said "Hi! My Name is (blank)" and then chose a word to describe themselves based on how they thought others might view them. it was crazy to see how many awesome people think that people percieve them as horrible things. my bff pax called herself a "try hard", even though the first thing that comes to mind when I think of her is compassionate, driven, loving, and so smart (not just in school but in LIFE) so it got me thinking about how I would label myself. Julie told me that I shouldn't bother thinking about it since the point is that we should ignore those labels anyways. but I was too curious. it is harder than it looks to pin point yourself from other's points of view. of course I have an opinion of myself, but it's weird to think about the first thing that other people would think about you. I am most insecure about my "obnoxiousness" or as I like to call it (thanks to Julie's wisdom) my "eagerness" or passion about life. but basically I just have a loud mouth and have a tendency to not shut up when I should. I have gotten better at admitting when I'm wrong and keeping quiet when Im not, but it is hard. and it sucks but that is just who I am. I am annoying and loud and stubborn at times. but, that's not what defines me or should define me. so that would suck if that's how people labeled me. I'd rather not just be the loud girl who cares too much about school. anyways....tonight's song was a last minute choice. it's called "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North. yes, it is another religious song. I would apologize but I love this song and like I said, this blog is selfishly for ME. so here it is....

"Losing"

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Oh, no!

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

[x2]
Oh, Father won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Yeah, I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losin'

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

ok so I think this song is really cool because he is basically asking for the strength to forgive someone because he realizes that even though he might be right, it is so much easier to apologize and move on. he actually wants God to forgive people who have hurt him only because he knows that they simply don't know that they're doing. even though it may feel good temporarily to know that you're "right", eventually, you start to feel like you're the one "losing" since you just don't get any satisfaction from it. it takes a really strong person to ask for forgiveness of someone else's behalf. I can't even imagine praying and saying "God, please just forgive them. they're just lost and need some help." I love when he says, "Lord it doesn't feel right, for me to turn a blind eye.  I guess it's not that much, when I think of what you've done." like my friend was saying earlier, she didn't want to turn a blind eye to that girl that she saw was in pain. even though she barely knew her, she knew she needed to help. I am sure that poor girl has messed up before, but like the song says, someone as strong as my friend could ask for forgiveness. even though I don't think that  forgiveness should always be granted, it sure does seem like those who forgive live easier. I have always been envious of people who can seem so calm and not hold grudges. I really am working on it, but sometimes it is just too difficult. but when I hear this song, I am reminded that I AM THE ONE LOSING when I hold this grudge. even though people sometimes do stupid things and treat you like crap or break your trust, we all have a choice to make. we can either turn a blind eye and harbor hate in our hearts. or we can ask for grace to forgive so that we don't have to feel like we are losing. the music video for this song is super cool too. the lyrics are shown across the screen like it's a texting conversation between two people. and it starts off by saying, "I can't believe what she said. I can't believe what he did". when I hear that and especially when I see it as fake text messages in the video, I can't help but think about how much time I waste gossiping about what people have done and said recently. while I could be thinking about why they would do that and how I could help them be forgiven. I also love when the song says, "Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart? We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought. But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground" I often find myself bickering with people, like my mom, about dumb things, and we will just go back and forth for what seems like forever until someone gives in. my pride won't let me "lay my weapon down" and just move on. hate just doesn't fix anything when you think about it. I adopted another new attitude towards david today. so I realized that I have a very clear choice to make. I can either go on arguing with him and being hateful and just holding up my weapons. OR I can recognize that I really am the one losing while I am still being prideful. he doesn't know what he's doing or saying, and I should honestly ask for the grace to forgive him for how he has hurt me. don't get me wrong, that will NOT be easy. but that's my next step. I am ready to lay my weapon on the ground, even if he doesn't, and I don't wanna be the one losing anymore. I want to forgive. today I texted him and just asked how he was doing and told him that I hoped he had a nice day. he didn't seem too excited about it, but I really did feel better. ignoring him didn't work, so I finally see that you shouldn't choose hate. it doesn't get you anywhere. it's kinda like the whole "label" thing too. even though it is probably so easy to just "read" someone's label quickly and move on, it is best to try to uncover the real person underneath all of the fake perceptions. even if someone is labeled a slut or bitch or druggie, that doesn't mean that there isn't more to them. this song reminds me that everybody has done things that they regret, and sometimes we do things without even knowing what we are doing to hurt ourselves or other people. and that's where other people need to step in and ask for some grace to forgive those who have hurt them. ok so I need sleep but I actually like where this blog has ended up. moral of this blog is 1) take some time out of your busy schedule to have some heart to hearts (or whatever you prefer to call them) and help someone open up 2) be strong enough to ask for the grace to forgive. even if someone hurt you badly, just try to atleast start getting on track to forgive them. it might not be now, or a few years from now, or even in this lifetime. but, harboring hate won't help anything. andddd 3) DO NOT label yourself or others. even though I am loud and probably obnoxious, I refuse to label myself as anything but me. let your name tag simply read, "Hi! My Name Is (insert your name here)" (except you actually should insert your name). alrighty...have a lovely week my friends!

peace and blessings

xoxo
anonymous blogger


PS I forgot to mention that my friend's little sister who was in the car crash is doing really really well! and I hung out with said friend tonight and we saw pitch perfect which was amazing! and I saw Jacob which was nice too. I wish I could figure out my feelings for him but oh well. ok goodnight loves! :)