my own little world is what I deserve

hey! guess what's going on tonight....?! drum roll.....BABYSITTING! wooo! surprise surprise, I know.  I was actually supposed to babysit yesterday too, but then she canceled. I would've appreciated the extra dough, but I'm glad that I had a free night with my friends.  it actually was such a fabulous day. the was an interesting word choice (fabulous, that is) but I am okay with that because I think it does the day justice. so on Thursday night, after going bowling with my BFFLs in peer buddies, I made my way to my cousins house. she lives about 45 minutes away and she goes to a huge high school there. she's a sophomore, but she doesn't act like it. I'm sure I've written about her before but I will again incase you didn't read it back then. she is just super lively and outgoing and brave and confident and even though I am older thatn her, I think that I look up to her just as much as she looks up to me. she just rocks it and completely embraces herself and her body image and her spunk and charisma. gahh I could go on for days! basically she will make a wonderful maid of honor at my wedding and will give one hell of a speech. oh, and I can't wait for her to visit me in college....that is bound to be insane. anyways, my dad drove me to her house because my aunt was taking us to see the new twilight movie (aka breaking dawn: part dos) YA, so I am that girl that actually read the books and (gasp) did like them. I know what you're thinking; weird blogger girl would be the freak to obsess over twilight. however; I was never a die hard fan. I just enjoyed the books and watched the movies out of respec to the books. (as if the books would really care if I didn't see the crappy movies produced on their behalf) but regardless, I have seen all of the movies. last thanksgiving, my family went to Michigan over break, and while we were there, my aunt took my cousin and I to see breaking dawng: part uno. it started kinda as a joke, but the three of us kept sayin that we would go see part dos at midnight together the following year. I didn't exactly realize that we were being serious until my cousin called me up a few weeks ago and asked if she should buy us tickets. so of course I said yes! and that led us up to Thursday night. so we saw the movie, and yes, it was great. I'll admit, it was a bit cheesey at times, like when Bella soars through the sky with her new vampire capabilities, and when Edward is able to have a flashback of his a Bella's entire 4 year fucked up (excuse my language) weirdo relationship. BUT....there were also some thrilling moments; like when Taylor Lautner legitimately stripped down to his underwear. needless to say, I was screaming....loudly. fun fact: Taylor Lautner is seriously one of my male obsesssions....along with Channing of course! but that is kinda besides the point. so after the movie, my cousin and I went back to her house and we cuddled in her bed and stayed up late filling each other in on life and such. and I really loved what she had to say. she always says that I need to try new "crayons" from the 100 pack of crayons. when I dated David, she would say that I had that icky 4 pack of crayons that you get at shitty restaurants that no one even likes. she wanted me to just go wild and get a new, bigger box, full of new choices. of course, the metaphor here is that each crayon is a different guy that I need to date before I find the right one; 100 guys to be exact, according to her. so I was filling her in on David and Jacob and all that fun stuff when she just stops me and said, "hey, no matter what happens, I want you to know that I'm just proud of you for throwing away that shitty box and upgrading when you did". to other people, that may sound absolutely bonkers, and frankly it is. my family is a bit nuts....but still, I just loved that she was able to put it into perspective for me. she told me to just go for it with Jacob because hey, if it doesn't work out, then I don't even have to see him! so I am gonna go for it. I've decided that I am done making up excuses for why I don't like him. honestly, I am just afraid of failure again so I am pushing him away. but there's no need to! it is so fun to meet new people and have new experiences. so if it doesn't work out, then who cares?! atleast I can say that I tried right? ok so after those lovely heart to hearts, we slept in late, and then we watched Easy A (Emma freaking Stone is a firecracker...no ginger pun intended....and I love her!!) and then my wonderful grandma picked both of us out and took us out for brunch. yummmmmy foooood. then we go pedicures and we convinced my grandma to get a sassy sparkly accent finger nail! the entire salon loved my grams by the time we left. that's how it always is with her....she makes so many friends. I hope I can do that when I get to be her age! its amazing! so then we got fro yo and she confessed that the first time she came, she accidentally got a $10 yogurt creation cause she was a rookie. hahaha I loved that story. then she filled us in on our mother's dating horror stories! I couldn't believe that she even remembered their names and stuff. she goes, "oh Anne, your mom dated that Rick boy. he was just HORRIBLE!" typical grams....she just made us so happy. we couldn't stop smiling and laughing. oh and Anne drove my grandma's ancient car around since she needs hours to get her license. that was terrifying. but ya it was such a great ditch day. woo! so then at night I saw this amazing play at school and ran into a buncha awesome people. and the play was super interesting because it just opened your eyes to alot of the intolerance that takes place and the hate that still exists in our society.  after seeing that play and in honor of awareness week, I made a promise to myself to not say "that's so gay" or let other people say it....because it honestly makes zero sense and its just ridiculous. more than that, it just showed how much hatred people harbor. so I am going to try to not say that I "hate" a person anymore. it's not worth my time to go around "hating" people. seriously I just don't see the point. ok so another thing I realized this week is that 1) I strongly dislike (I ironically almost wrote hate) sharing my close friends and 2) things often revolve around me and my problems in my mind and that probably shouldn't happen....if only I could keep my mouth shut tight....well, here is Center of Attention by Guster....

"Center Of Attention"

One of us won't last the night, between you and me it's no surprise
There's two of us, both can't be right
Neither will move till it's over

I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight
My own little world is what I deserve
Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball
I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's fine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

All by myself, I'm so much better on my own
And way out there, it is the same old place that it always has been
I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight..tight...tight

My own little world is what I deserve
Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball
I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's fine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

One of us won't last the night, between you and me it's no surprise
There's two of us, both can't be right
Neither will move till it's over

I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight
Yeah, no one will ever notice if I keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball
I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist
Where everything's mine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight...tight...tight

this song is really cool....I can't believe I just chose the word "cool" to describe it but whatever. I wish that I could take credit for discovering this song, but unfortunately I cannot. my brother's girlfriend made him all of these awesome CDs and I recently discovered this song while flipping through the CDs in the car. I really like the line, "My own little world, is what I deserve". I just find it kind of amusing because when I hear this song, I think of it being sung sarcastically, as if it is making fun of the fact that I think I deserve my "own little world". even though I claim to care so much about other people, ultimately, my decisions are about ME. don't get me wrong, I definitely care about my friends and family and stuff, but I would be lying if I said that all of my actions were focused around what would ultimately be best for them. it sucks, but even as I sit here right now writing this, I'm not really doing it for the benefit of anyone but myself. and that sucks to admit. if I disected my every action today, it would somehow come back to having benefitted ME. this morning I volunteered, and sure, I helped people, but I did it so that I'd get NHS hours, which are for my benefit. and I was thinking about how I personally enjoyed myself...not once did I stop to think about that old man that was lifting trees too and wonder what his motivation was. babysitting...it was for MY money. visiting my friend that's sick...I mean I suppose that kind of was for her benefit, but it made ME happy to see her and that's what I thought about. so when I hear this song, I can't help but laugh, and shudder because it helps me poke fun at my own vanity. even when I try so hard not to be selfish, it is nearly impossible. we are always thinking about ourselves, whether we want to or not. I am the freaking "center of attention". I think that we all kind of do live in our own "little worlds" in which we are the kings...only we exist and everything is our own. in the song he says, "By myself, I am so much better on my own". even though I love being with people and would never say that I am better off by myself, I think that maybe I wouldn't be as vain if I didn't have other people around me. I know that probably makes no sense, but bear with me. my "bubble" wouldn't be able to burst without the influence of other people, and there would be no competing to get attention, and there wouldn't be a difference between thinking about others and thinking about myself. so the song mentions how no one would notice their selfish struggle if they just shut their mouths. honestly, they are preaching to the flippin choir. I know I just talked about this recently, but I really do need to work on keeping quiet. I honestly have tried to tone it down and watch what I say, but sometimes I just feel like my reputation as a loud mouth will follow me forever. it is frustrating because even though I talk loudly and clearly am outspoken, I think that I am very trustworthy too. if someone tells me a secret, I can keep it. you might be surprised what kind of stuff I know that I haven't told anybody at all. yet, sometimes I feel as though people avoid telling me things because a) they think I'll blab or b) they don't trust me, or c) they think that I'll judge them or maybe even lucky choice d) all of the above. today I realized that sometimes people purposefully keep me out of the loop because they don't know how I'll handle things. it's as if I am some firecracker, ready to spew out anything that I hear. but it's not true. so I feel like if I could keep my mouth shut tight I wouldn't have as many issues with this. but like the song says, there's two of us, and both can't be right, neither will move till it's over. I guess I can be pretty stubborn as well and maybe people think I'm close minded? I don't know. another thing I learned: I am not a fan of sharing close friends. I have always been in a larger group of friends, so I wasn't really close to just one person. now that my group has gotten smaller, things are different. obviously I am very close with Julie, and I love claiming her as my "other half". but sometimes I just don't like sharing. in fact, I hate it. I know I shouldn't use that word but it's true. and I do not like that about myself whatsoever. it goes hand in hand with that stupid jealously issue that resurfaces every once in awhile. I don't think I am that girl that freaks if her best friend spends time with another person, its just that no one wants to be that girl who loves someone who doesn't love them back. not that that's what my life is like cause it is not at all. I have a LOT of love from people, but I do question it a lot, which is unfortunate. andddd I wish that I didn't do it. so maybe I'd just be better off in my own little world....who knows? alright so moral of the blog would be 1) admit that you have a problem: and that problem is that you're selfish, just like me. we all are. and make an effort to change it. 2) don't "hate" anyone or any type of person....it is a huge waste of your time and 3) be secure in your friendships. if you are lucky enough to be loved and have love in your life, then don't second guess it. I beat myself up over it and it's no fun at all.

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger

P.S. one of my best friends who has a wonderful blog told me that she read my blog and it made her laugh. and it just made me very happy :)