who called your name? I'm tired of running

ok so I just realized I only have 33 minutes of battery life left which means that I have to write this QUICK! which is unfortunate because I have a lot to say and I just had a very amazing weekend. I went on workcrew for young life at a camp over the weekend. as workcrew, we pretty much set up for every meal, bring all of the food out and run around like crazy people making sure that everyone has enough food, drinks, etc. we are just supposed to serve them and make sure that they have an amazing time. we also bus all of the dishes and clean up after everyone....which often meant a lot of nasty food pieces on my clothes and on my fingers....ick. then we would vacuum and wipe down every time 3 times. oh, and 2 people per meal had to wash dishes for the entire 2 hours....their hands were disgustingly pruny afterwards. you may be wondering how and why my weekend was possibly fun...the weird thing is, serving and doing that stuff actually was what made it so wonderful. we would blast tunes and make it a competition to make sure that everything was speedy but perfect. there were only about 12 of us plus kitchen staff serving over 500 people!! that is pure insanity. yet we somehow survived.....and every one of us loved it. the group that I was with was actually so random. we all knew each other from young life obviously, and some of the people were close friends going in, but I actually wasn't super close to anyone. but I think that is one of the reasons that it was so cool. I got to know some people that I had 100% judged much better, and I loved how we all were able to put aside the petty social group crap and just hang out together. on friday, we played a game where you picked a stick that had a random personal question on it and then you had to answer honestly. we went around the circle for an hour or so just talking. even doing that was crazy. some of the questions were as simple as "what do you like most about yourself?" and a lot of people had trouble answering. then on saturday, we woke up early to do a devotional, which pretty much is where our leader gives us some scripture to read and a sheet explaining some things. and then we just personally reflect on it, then talk as a group. and I really liked what we read. we talked about anxiety. it was actually so strange because it was one of my favorite verses thats Matthew 6:34 "therefore do not worry about tomorrow. for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own". I always think about this verse when I get worked up about stuff. (side note: but my sophomore year I struggled for a bit with anxiety and I went to therapy to help myself learn how to manage my stress in school and in other situations. and I LOVED the experience, but it didn't totally click with me until I heard this verse) I just like how it tells you to live one day at a time because if you are constanly waiting for the next checkpoint, then you are letting amazing days pass you by, and you are going to be miserable. one boy who I actually was best friends with in preschool came with us, and he hasn't done a ton with younglife. but he is such a sweet guy, and then funny thing is that even though I honestly haven't talked to him since I was 5, we were really close this weekend. it was like God wanted us to reconnect, and I loved that. anyways, he said that he worries a lot about things and that he is very insecure about how people may percieve him. and how he was really anxious to come do workcrew, but that when he read that verse, he was amazed at how it clicked with him right away. it just fit for his situation perfectly. and not surprisingly, every single person was able to put their own spin on it. I just liked how we were able to interpret something so simple into a bunch of different things and just get some comfort to start off our crazy day. and another thing that I really liked that I read was "Which of you by being anxos can add a single hour to the span of his life?" it's cool to think about because it really does seem so dumb to be such a tweak about things when I realize that it isn't helping AT ALL. I won't live an hour longer for panicking...if anything I will be worse off. ok so I am on a long tangent and this is bad cause I have so much more to say and I feel like I am not even making sense blahhhhhh. whatever. ok so then we served breakfast and in between breakfast and lunch we all probably h ad 2-3 cups of coffee...I don't even drink coffee at home but it is so necessary while at younglife. so that was amusing. then we played some quality rounds of catch phrase...I love the people that literally are speechless when it's their turn. everyones like, "SAY SOMETHING! SAY ANYTHING?!" classic. then we served lunch, and after lunch we got 4 hours to do whatever. so all of us hit up this super awesome, hipster coffee shop. and we just drank hot chocolate and coffee and ate candy (that only cost 75 cents btw...what a steal!) and played cards for hours. and we attracted friends from different schools (including this boy with the most gorgeous blue eyes and dark hair from Glenbard West that was a gem) so we all just enjoyed that and also played some volleyball (and my team kicked ass so that was a bonus) and then we played mafia of course and i was the mafia and killed errebody. teehee I am a sneaky one...oh and me and two girls went on this amazing gigantic swing thing and it was so much fun. k so then we served dinner, and after dinner, we got to go to YL club with the campers! at club, you sing songs and dance and play fun games, and then you hear some cool person talk about their life and Christ and how he has impacted them. so we sat in on the last club, which is where you get to hear about how Jesus died to save you and me. that is my favorite message to hear over and over again. the speaker had this giant cross that everyone had signed, and he had a mirror that people had written on. the mirror had all of the negative things that people saw in themselves when they looked in the mirror. then the speaker unexpectedly put the mirror on the floor and crushed it with the cross. it was SO SO SO awesome and empowering. so after we heard that, we got 10 minutes to oursleves...to be silent, reflect, sleep, do whatever. but it had to be completely silent. we walked outside and it was just lightly snowing....the kind of snow that is so beautiful that you want to sit outside and just let it fall. so that is exactly what I did. for 10 wonderful minutes, I heard nothing but the snow falling, and I prayed while looking at the stars and catching snowflakes on my tongue. and it was pretty magical. but the best part of the weekend by far was what came next. the work crew met back up and we talked about what the speaker told us about being forgiven. and then our leader gave us each paper to just reflect on. so we each just took time alone to write down whatever we wanted to. some people wrote letters to god or to themselves. some people talked about the weekend like a journal entry, and I just kind of jotted down anything that came int my head. I made one sheet to save, and we all wrote one that we would burn in the fireplace. so after I was done, I just looked around and I noticed that almost all of the guys were crying or on the verge of tears. and of course girls were crying too. but to see these big, tough guys crying just got to me. we weren't even speaking to eachother, but they felt comfortable enough to be emotionally exposed in front of us. when we came back together after writing, a lot of people opened up and weren't afraid to speak about their faith and what they wrote. I loved it. I know I have worked a lot on being as nonjudgmental as possible, but to be honest, I had judged a lot of these guys. seeing them crying was really weird, but really comforting too. one of the guys told us that he shouldn't even be alive right now, and he admitted that the only reason he's here is because of god. I never even knew that he was religious, but it turns out that he is a K love radio addict just like myself. one guy even had to put his bandana over his eyes to pray so that he wouldn't show himself crying. it was crazy. so then we burned our notes and felt pretty bad ass. anddddd then we had an all camp kick ass dance party and went loco! oh and we finished our little pow wow with a group hug. so that was lovely. and then today we did another devotional and we prayed one on one for people and I was with my old friend from preschool. and the two of us just reconnected and hugged and all was well. and then we served breakfast and cleaned up and headed home :( and that was pretty sad. but while we were cleaning up after breakfast today, an awesome song by this super cool christian singer named Andrew Ripp (shoutout to Jules cause she met him with me YUSSS) came on and I was so excited. Andrew sang at this same retreat last year when I was a camper and not only is he extremely talented, he is super cute and sweet too! oh and his music isn't overly religious at all. you can like it even if you don't believe in God. so in honor of him and the weekend I chose "You Will Find Me" by ma boy Andrew Ripp....

  You Will Find Me
When your souls weary
When you find doubt
When you can't hear me
Lay your troubles down

In your dark moments
When your hearts weak
Bring yourself broken
You will find me

Who wrote the rain
Who wrote the sun in
Who called your name
Where are you running
I'm gonna be there near or far
I'm gonna meet you where you are
Who wrote your name
Who wrote the sun in

When you come thirsty
When the wells dry
When your souls dirty
I am by your side

When your faiths broken
When you can't see
With my arms open
You will find me

Who wrote the rain
Who wrote the sun in
Who called your name 
Where are you running?
I'm gonna be there near or far
I'm gonna meet you where you are
Who wrote your name
Who wrote the sun in

You carried all my shame
When you called my name
I am not the same
Who wrote the rain
Who wrote the sun in
Who called your name?
I'm tired of running
I'm gonna be there near or far
I'm gonna meet you where you are
Who wrote your name
Who wrote the sun in

You will find me

so this is one of his more religious songs but I really love it. It basically says that when you are broken, you can turn to Christ and he can help you out. if you aren't religious, I think that it is saying that even though stuff completely sucks at times, someone will always be there to turn it around. even when you can't see or you have lost faith, you will find a savior. he says "I'm gonna be there near or far, Im gonna meet you where you are". even if you are lost or hurting, someone is going to find you, no matter how lost you feel. my favorite line in the song is "who wrote the rain, who wrote the sun in? Who called your name? I'm tired of running". don't be ashamed if you aren't okay...someone will find you and help you out. do NOT be ashamed. I just am so comforted by that. ok so I reallyyyyyy need to sleep. so I am going to finish out this blog by sharing some of what I scribbled down on that note that I saved. not all of the words and phrases make sense, but I think it is cool what I just came up with while I was processing everything.

-bringing different people together
-help me to not judge
-say hi to people
-how do I lead others?
-making amends
-help me find the beauty in all people and most importantly, SHOW THEM THEIR BEAUTY
-admit my failures
-its okay to not be okay
-he has a plan
-trust
-work hard in the name of Christ
-1 year left...why not befriend more people?
-why is there so much pain
-you aren't fooling anymore
-stop being a coward
-remember how he died for US and he would do it again
-pray
-be still and know I am
-gossip
-chin up kid
-oh you of little faith
-SPEAK UP
-hypocrit
-rekindle lost relationships
footprints
-be honest
-be there for my freshman girls
-be respecful of myself
-confidence
-it's okay to be anxious
-stop being so jeakous
-I wish you loved yourseld as much as I love you
-DO NOT WORRY
-show my freidns with warmth
-respect my family
-look for beauty
-blessed
-I am loveable, we are loveable
-there is hope
-lies
-stop what I want
-lead people to Christ
-no pressure
-it's okay to have secrets but don't hide them from Him
-meet new people
-remember that He allows us to start over

props if you actually made it through that entire rant of a blog...sorry if I disappointed anyone cause that was very religion oriented as well as random in terms of organization. then again, I just had a great weekend and I needed to share that and just reflect. I guess I will close by saying that I learned a lot this weekend and I am working on bettering myself as well as helping people see the beauty in themselves. so I hope you can notice that in me. I AM BLESSED.

<3 <3 <3
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