stranger than your sympathy

hi again! so today is Tuesday....one of my least favorite days of the week. I'm not sure why, but Tuesdays just rub me the wrong way (hypothetically speaking of course), and I usually just feel so drained on these days. but today was a little different. today, Tuesday didn't really feel like a "Tuesday", so to speak. I started off the day bright and early, at 5:28am because I had 6am poms practice. joy to the world for that...literally is such a struggle for me. but I dragged my sorry butt out of bed like I always do, and I made my way to practice. practice was just fine, nothing special or particularly interesting. but afterwards, I was just feeling sweaty and tired and sick and gross. so I changed into my clothes and caked on some makeup and finally took my hair out of my ponytail. randomly, the hair Gods were looking out for me and they blessed me with non-kinked hair!! this may not seem like much to some of you, but others understand how awful it is to have that damn kink from your ponytail in your hair...it's the worst. but needless to say, it wasn't there! so I attempted to do this weird french braid thing that I do now and I went on my way. well throughout the day, I just kept feeling this positive energy from everyone. people were complimenting my hair and said they liked my shirt, and even though I felt like crap, I guess it wasn't as noticeable as I had thought. at lunch, a girl from my adaptive PE class, Emily, sat at my lunch table because her friends ditched her. and she told me how she is a public speaker for her hospital and speaks about having cancer and what it means to her to have amazing support from the hospital. it broke my heart but it also made me wanna stand up and yell YOU GO GIRL! because she clearly is so proud of who she is and she does not let anyone bring her down. so that made me feel happy and I'm so glad she could sit with us. freshman in the senior section HOLLA! so then after school I went home and my wonderful love Abby texted me about going to younglife club and asked if I could go to the dinner before hand. I was unsure if I would be able to get all of my homework done in time so I said I'd get back to her. so I put on some jason mraz (IM GOING TO HIS CONCERT THIS SATURDAY OH MY GOSH!) and I cranked out ALL of my homework in 2 hours!!! and then I got to pick Abby up and go to dinner at the younglife house before club. honestly, I am my absolute happiest when I am at YL. the minute Abby and I walked in the house, people were greeting us, hugging us, offering us food (always a bonus!) and just making us feel like family. even people who I barely talk to at school were just genuinely happy. I caught up with my old leader while I was there and she gave me such good advice about breakups. she said she had had a similar experience to me and honestly what she was saying that she felt was exactly how I feel. it was the first time I heard someone say that they understood completely what I was going through. and she offered to always be there for me for anything; if I needed to talk, cry, whatever! and that was just super cool because even though I haven't seen her or talked to her in ages, she still was so happy and willing to support me. she told me that one day I will wake up and not be thinking about David and one day when someone mentions his name, a flood of emotions won't rush over me. and I will finally be at peace with it and myself. she told me to leave him alone and also remember that it is okay to miss him and to feel comfortable when I'm with him. because of course it would feel natural! I always feel guilty if I miss him or think about him, but she reminded me that it is normal and will go away eventually. so that was just so comforting. and then we went to the actual club, and tonight it was just for leaders. I saw some old friends and we all just came together to talk, worship, and get excited for an amazing year. I can't wait to drag some of my poor friends to club (they have no choice!) and just let them see what I see. tonight at club we kept reiterating that EVERYONE IS WELCOME! always. every single person. maybe it isn't the best fit for everyone, but we want to give people a chance. so if you are reading this and thinking you wanna come....talk to me! :) I would love to bring you and anyone else. ok so of course I would be missing a huge part of the day if I didn't acknowledge those affected by 9/11, since today is the 11th anniversary. I'm not going to lie, I don't feel like people made a big deal out of it this year than in years past. I heard that NYC didn't want people to be making a huge deal for some reason, but either way, it is always important to remember everyone affected. and I mean every single person; including those who lost their lives, those who helped out, families involved, and pretty much the entire nation, as we all became scarred.  we are all victims in a way, but I just needed to pray for them today and just pay my respects. ok so this is a sudden jump but yesterday was suicide awareness day, more commonly referred to as the day when people are supposed to write LOVE on their arms. I am going to admit that while I did participate in this day, I didn't feel like I got a ton out of it because we all did it for the wrong reasons. ok, not everyone did, but a lot of us forgot what the entire day was truly about. and I'm not sure if this song will be able to relate but it is stuck in my head and I am going to do my best to connect it....here is "Sympathy" by Goo Goo Dolls....

Sympathy

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I've been killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
It's all I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah

Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
And all these thoughts from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
And you can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
And you choke on the regrets yeah

Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah
Stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy

ok so now that I read over these lyrics again, I think this song is quite fitting to what I am going to say. first, I love this song. I just can listen to it on repeat and not get sick of it. I'm not sure why but it comforts me. but like I was saying, suicide awareness day isn't about writing LOVE on your arm in the artsiest way possible so that you can post it on instagram (guilty as charged) or tweet #suicideprevention (two strikes for me). sure, spreading the word can be so helpful, but it is about 1) remembering those who have taken their own lives and 2) helping others who might be in similar situations. it is about LISTENING to people who might feel like they aren't heard. it's about making that effort to find people who are hurting and comfort them. it's about not being afraid to confront a friend if you are worried about them. don't be a coward. when I hear, "And what I chase won't set me free. It's all I wanted. And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees", I think of someone who is seriously hurting and who is trying so hard to get away from the pain and the sadness and it truly is all they want. but they can't do it. not alone. they might be scared, or stuck, or simply unable to help themselves. I also think about this when I hear, "Before the dreams I wanted. And all the talk and all the lies. Were all the empty things disguised as me" because I can easily see someone who is bundling up their pain inside and not letting people see their true anxiety's and fear. they could feel totally empty and hurt and you might never know. and here is the trickiest part: not every person feels this way and not every person is hurting and not everyone needs to/wants to be helped. BUT I just think that you can't sit around and let someone spiral out of control. don't accuse anyone of anything, but if you have concerns, address those concerns with the person because if you care enough about them, then you have to be brave enough to do it. don't just give them your sympathy; give them all of your support and BE THERE. I once struggled for a long time to reach out to a friend who I saw as someone who was keeping their feelings from me. I was so scared that if I said something to them, they would retreat and not want to open up to me. but I finally decided that I had to speak up so that they knew that they could always come to me with anything. so I did, and I think that it worked. they still don't tell me much, and I'm sure there is a lot of hurt that I don't know about, as there is with anyone, but I feel so much more at peace knowing that I told them what I wanted to say and that they know that I will be there for them whenever, wherever, forever. so please, remember to look out for your friends. and if you did write love on your arm, really stop to think about what it means and how it applies to YOUR life. don't let someone feel empty and lost. fill them with your love and care. DON'T BE A COWARD! and I almost forgot to say that if you yourself ever feel like you are lost and hurt, please tell someone. anyone! I know it can be terrifying and maybe you feel like you just can't do it, but I like to think someone can always help people with any and every situation, no matter how hopeless/helpless someone is. if something is wrong, SPEAK UP PEOPLE!

<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger