HAPPY HUMP DAY! (NO NO NO, not in a perverted way....get your mind out of the gutter!) ;) hump day simply means that it is half way thru the week incase you were not aware of that! okey dokey so today I took a wonderful trip toe downtown chi town and went to the beach. I love going to the beach. something about the feeling of the sun penetrating your skin and warming your insides makes me so happy. and burying my feet in the sand is also a favorite hobby of mine. and of course I can often be found frolicking in the waves. today we also did something a little crazy and jumped off the pier. the first time that we did it, it was terrifying, but it was also extremely exhilarating because you can't tell what is below and the water is just dark and ominous and when you jump, everything kind of just pauses until you crash onto the surface and when it breaks you plunge downward into nothingness. . . and the first time that I jumped, I actually hit the bottom! but then I resurfaced and felt amazing. like I had broken something inpenetrable somehow. and then the waves started to overwhelm me and it was quite choppy and my friends and I sort of bobbed for awhile while we tried to make ourselves feel settled. so then we climbed out of the water using the ladder and then even though we were panting and looked like old men who just went for a long run, we felt so fulfilled that we just had to jump again. so we did it over and over again until we physically couldn't anymore. so that was very enjoyable I'd say. and then we all just laid in the sunshine and got some color and attempted to get tan lines of goldfish!! which sort of worked but not really because we could not sit still in the sunshine for the long. the sun was BRU-TAL but also wonderful. it is crazy how nothing good is ever good in immense amounts. for example, sunshine is amazing, but with too much, it becomes awful. or ice cream, a normal amount if fantastic, but too much makes you sick and then you never can eat it again without being sick. sleep is awesome for you when you get the correct amount, but too much either means that you are depressed or dead. so ya that was a weird tangent but it is kinda cool to think about. I heard once was that all good things in life become toxic once they go in mass amounts (like I just explained) but faith is one of those things that doesn't seem to fail when existing in these large quantities. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but it's sorta like trusting Jesus or having faith in a higher power and an after life is great in small amounts but also even greater in large amounts too. just some cool food for thought. ok well back to my day. well my old friend that moved away when I was still little came to the beach with us and so that was super fun. because I miss her so much, and it was weird to see her all grown up and what not. I still remember her as a teeny tiny thing when she was 10 and now she is all mature and old and 17 and what not! eeeeeep why are we growing up?! but it was fine because I still got to see her and swim with her and lay out and all that other fun stuff. so ya we all decided that it is very unfortunate that we don't take advantage of the beach or the city enough. because chicago is so close to where I live and there is SO much there. and we could easily embrace the city as our own but instead we forget about it and stay in our own stupid suburbs. so I wanna actually get way better at navgating the city because I did live there until I was 2 and everything so maybe it'll all magically come back to me some day? sometimes I think about whether I will end up in downtown chicago or if I will get away and go somewhere else? cause as much as I say that my town is small and boring and sheltered and blahblahblah...it also is wonderful because I know so many amaing people here and I feel incredibly safe and isn't that what I will want for a family one day? so maybe I will end up in chicago and repeat my life. atleast I'd hope so I guess since I feel very privileged and love my lifestyle and feel so blessed. but maybe, just maybe, I will meet a boy from somewhere else when I go to college in the southeast and then I will get out of this area and can create my own adventure with my family? I guess we won't know for awhile but I am so excited to find out where life takes me! (stay tuned!!) wow that really was a weird tangent....I don't know what is up with me tonight! goodness me! ok well I also had a lovely heart to heart tonight with my man Dave (aka David) and we discussed our relationship over some tro sno (YA JUDGE ME IVE HAD TRO SNO 3 NIGHTS IN A ROW....what's it to you?! actually though that is a bit much) BUT...the point is that I got it all off of my chest and literally just told him that we can't play games anymore and that I have honestly been happy being single. I don't cry anymore like I used to, I don't stay up worrying about him or us, I don't constantly try to fix him or myself for fear of breaking...I just live and grow and learn about myself each day now. ok that sounds dumb but I really do. when I was with him, I was so incredibly connected to him that my every move was his and vice versa. now I am free. free to talk to who I want and do what I want and be whoever I want. (damn I sound like freaking oprah....) BUT I just feel uplifted now. but it did tear me apart to hear him say that he misses having me to lean on and how he feels empty and lonely. because I want so badly to be there for him but I just can't fix him and it drives me crazy. he needs to feel loved but he can't do that until he cares about himself. honestly....its weird to think about, but I truly believe that you can't let yourself be loved unless you love yourself first. and you can't force someone to love themself....but I can keep trying to show others the good in themselves until they want to feel loved. gosh that is uber confusing and I don't even think I made any sense at all. pretty much....I just feel torn because I want David to know that he deserves love and that I do love him but I know I can't change his ideas about himself. but I guess I will keep trying. and even though it really breaks my heart, I had to decide to really blow him one last kiss.....
Blow Me One Last Kiss
White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there's nothing to grab so I let go
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when I think it can't get worse, I had a shit day (no!)
You had a shit day (no!), we've had a shit day (no!)
I think that life's too short for this
I'll pack my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, Blow me one last kiss.
I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did,
Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left
I am sick, whiskey-dick, no more battles for me
You'll be calling a trick, cause you'll no longer sleep
I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone
I'll laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when I think it can't get worse, I had a shit day (no!)
You had a shit day (no!), we've had a shit day (no!)
I think that life's too short for this, I'll pack my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this. Blow me one last kiss.
I will do what I please, anything that I want
I will breathe, I won't breathe, I won't worry at all
You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the wise, will be crystal clear
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when I think it can't get worse, I had a shit day (no!)
You had a shit day (no!), we've had a shit day (no!)
I think that life's too short for this, I'll pack my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this. Blow me on last kiss
Blow me one last kiss
Blow me one last kiss
Just when I think it can't get worse, I had a shit day (no!)
You had a shit day (no!), we've had a shit day (no!)
I think that life's too short for this, I'll pack my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this. Blow me one last kiss…
ok so I heard this song today on the radio...and it is PERFECT for my situation. Pink is rather intense and probably was in a crazy relationship when she was inspired to write this song because she is a freakin nut. but I actually can relate to this because I finally decided to let go tonight. of course David and I broke up over 3 months ago, but today I finally came to terms with the fact that he is no longer my boyfriend. I can't and shouldn't flirt with him, or bash him, or obsess over his every move. because he is no longer attached to me. ya that is super hard to admit and it is terrifying because I lost a little part of me. but it also very very uplifting because I am sick and tired of my eyes burning from the tears....so I am letting go. there simply is just nothing left for us. I have finally had enough and it really is it. I think WAY to much, and I also talk to much. and like the song says...Dave says a lot of stuff that confuses me and can be full of shit. and I will not miss all of the fighting. of course we had a lot of fun....but the good times do NOT outweigh the bad. it is time for me to LIVE and go out and do something stupid. I want to be free to make my own mistakes and life is way too short to date the same person for over 3 years of your life. I will now try to just do whatever I want and finally breathe on my own again. okay sorry you are probably super annoyed because you are like, "you selfish little betch". but I am sorry, Pink does this to me. listen to the song and you will understand. so tonight I literally decided to blow the boy one last kiss. so we took his dog for a walk and I held his hand one last time and when he dropped me off, I hugged him, and I kissed his cheek one last time and blew him a kiss. AND NOW I AM FREE. of course I still care about him and I will continue to worry but I somehow feel lighter....I told him everything I wanted to, and I feel much happier. and I am totally aware of how ignorant I am being but for some reason I do not care one bit because it is fucking blissful. ok well there it is folks. moral of the story is...I loved dating David. it was great for awhile...but 1) nothing good is ever great in large amounts...and it got to be too much. SO 2) learn to let go. it can be super hard when you don't want to change your normal routine and feel uncomfortable and awkward but sometimes it is just best to breathe, stand up tall, and 3) blow one last kiss
<3 <3 <3
anonymous blogger
P.S. I am escaping to a lakehouse for the next two days so don't miss the blog too much! I'll fill all ya'll in on my adventures when I return! <3
P.S.S. I am listening to this song on repeat and I am so freaking empowered right now that I might just run laps around my house...probably not (let's be real) BUT I WILL belt this song and do some sit ups.....K SORRY FOR MY ANGER TONIGHT! PEACE
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