there's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost

hi everyone! so today was a good good day!! It started out well because I woke up and....drum roll please....I actually went for a run. so that was just crazy because I'm always super lazy. and then a series of very unfortunate events began. first, I was supposed to hang out with 4 girls that I led at wyldlife camp this summer. and I made all of these fun plans and then basically they fell apart little by little. and I will share this progression of events with you. ok so one of the girls dropped out last minute cause she had tennis practice for a bunch of hours today and then another one felt sick. so I felt guilty cause it was just me and these 2 girls hanging out instead of a group of us. but oh well! it was still gonna be great. so I picked them up and we were gonna go to the swim club that my family used to belong to...well until today I thought that we belonged there still. but then my mom texted me and awkwardly informed me that no, we actually don't belong there because my parents and brother work everyday so it would be a waste of money. and that's all dandy and what not BUT of course she waited until I was already in the car on my way to tell me. soooo then I had to awkwardly be like...sorry girls we can no longer go to the swim club. woops! but no need to fear because I was determined to have a good day with these girls so we went to the public pool instead! so then we paid $7 to get in and all was well. so we got in the pool and I'm not kidding...probably 5 minutes passed and then we hear the sirens go off because there's lightening of course! yay! so we are all informed that we have to get out of the pool and hide in the bathrooms for 30 minutes. well I mean that just sounded great and all BUT we decided to blow that popsicle stand and peace. unfortunately we just wasted $7. so they gave us these wrist bands so that we could come back that same day if we wanted. so then we got in the car and decided to go to tropical sno because it makes anyone's day better to go to tro sno. so we got there and we ran into my 2 fav guys that work there. they are sassy and sarcastic and always make Julie and I laugh. so I mean that was good. but then, like clockwork, something bad had to happen sooooo it started downpouring and thunderstorming. so we decided that instead of waiting for it to end, we would just run in it since we were still just wearing swimsuits and towels anyways. so we ran back to my car and got soaked. then we had the brilliant idea to bring our friend that just got her wisdom teeth out a milkshake. so we went to the ice cream store and thankfully, the rain had totally stopped. so we got her a chocolate shake and went to her house. but....guess what?! no one was home! ok the girl just got her freaking wisdom teeth out so we assumed she'd be on bed rest or whatever but NO. instead she left 20 minutes earlier to go to her lakehouse with her family. so then we had this chocolate shake and no one to drink it. but no need to fear because the three of us split it obvi. so then we went back to my house and I felt bad because my house is super boring. so we watched dance moms and then I had to take them home before I went to track. ok so that was just a long series of very unfortunate events, wouldn't you agree? but the cool thing was that even though nothing seemed to go right, I still had such a fun day and I think that the girls did too! we couldn't stop laughing at our fate and we looked like fools running around in our swimsuits in the storm with chocolate shakes and tro sno. and of course dance moms can make anyone laugh because those mothers are insane so I think that overall it was a great day! and the girls are just so sweet and cute because they act like I am super cool and laugh at everything that I say. and then I just feel GREAT because I am so NOT cool but they are 3 years younger than me so apparently I am just awesome. but the funny thing is that I actually worship them because they are so confident and mature for freshman and so so so sweet. and also super fun to be around! I always forget that they're younger than me!! so ya even though everything seemed to be going all wrong, I wouldn't have changed it at all because it was a great day! so this is a two part blog because tonight I also hung out with my ex bf...so I'll write a little bit about that too. so part 2:
well I don't know why I am referring to him as "my ex bf" cause he does have a name and I guess since the 5 people that know about this blog all already know him I can just call his David. (also I think maybe 1/5 people actually read this song I think we are good to go) so David and I decided that we'd hang out tonight cause the other day we were talking and I'm also going to his sister's wedding on Saturday so we will be spending a lot of time together there anyways so we should probably face eachother before then. so I wasn't sure what to expect because it was only the 3rd time I've seen him all summer. and in previous summers we saw eachother pretty much every day. so anyways, he picked me up and we went to one of my fav places...LAGRANGE! and we ate at DiNico's which is this fantastic pizza/gelato place that is super yummy. and then we got some red mango since I love red mango and just hung out. overall analysis of the "date" (not really a real date but I didn't know what to call it): it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. I guess it just made me realize that I am very very happy that we broke up because we just don't get along as well anymore and some of his comments were super immature. haha it probably looked like we were on a date when we were eating but then when we were walking around I was laughing because we both had out arms crossed like goof balls that hated eachother! it's funny cause we both care a lot about eachother but it's sorta weird still. and he just makes things weirder sometimes by bringing up girls he likes or by questioning me about who I like. he acts like my protective big brother. but ya it was good cause I just know for sure now that we just aren't meant to be. it was fun while we dated, but our personalities just don't mesh very well. and one point he actually said, "well I probably would've been more patient with you if you were less stupid". OH THANKS BUDDY! ;) haha so it's stuff like that where I'm like...really??? did ya need to say that?! and then he said that I just have so much energy and remind him a lot of his friend Rob. haha so I think it'd be funny if Rob and I hung out cause we'd prob end up being so annoyed of eachother since David thinks we are both crazy. oh well. ok so there is my rant/analysis of the evening. oh and David also said I'm not flirty so now I really need to flaunt to prove him wrong! ok so tonight's song is actually very random. I heard it while I was running this morning and I remembered how much I liked it. it actually has nothing to do with my day but the lyrics are superb and interesting to think about. it's called "Ghost In The Machine" by B.O.B. here it is....

"Ghost In The Machine"

Tell me where am I supposed to go?
And who am I supposed to believe.
If only you knew what I knew.
Then you could see just what I see.

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

You say I look fine, if only you knew what was on my mind.
You'd see a whole different side, I couldn't show you even if I tried.
I must have got lost in time when I found out I was only free to be, where ever I want to be.

Some say I'm out of sight, how ironic and that we're all so blind.
If you could open up your eyes, you could see what I couldn't describe.
And then, you'd see the signs, and then your soul would be set free, and then you'd be released.

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

Tell me where am I supposed to go.
And who am I supposed to believe.
If only you knew what I knew.
Then you could see. (Hey)

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

And I'm terrified, like I've seen a UFO.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

(I go)
(A UFO)
(And I'm so tired of hiding, I've been running, I've been trying, to get away, to get away)

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

so today I went back and forth for awhile trying to decide what I wanted to choose for my song. for some reason I just couldn't decide what would work for this crazy day! so I just went with an interesting song that I wanted to talk about. so when I hear this song, it kinda creeps me out initially because it is pretty powerful and sorta eerie. to me I think that it's about the fact that sometimes you get stuck feeling like people only see one side of you and then you are trapped. because you wish you could be the real you, but no one can quite see what you see. and you feel like you are some ghost, just some shadow lurking who doesn't contribute anything real. and people just see right through you but your eyes are just so much more open and can see through all of the fake crap that surrounds you. so you just want to escape and go anywhere else but you can't seem to because you are simply stuck. so then you decide to just blend in and hide, but that makes it even worse cause you feel like nothing is getting accomplished and then you're that ghost again. and sometimes I think that we all might feel like ghosts. we are simply figures that move through all of the motions, just an aura of what we really are feeling. and I guess to try to relate this back to my day...hanging out with David sorta made me see that it sucks to be a ghost or to hide from the fact that if something doesn't feel right...you shouldn't just keep going through those motions over and over again to try to fix something. so I guess I decided that in our relationship, instead of running away or hiding from it, I wanted to stand up and do something. cause I was sick and tired of feeling like a ghost and staying in a relationship only because I knew nothing else. ok so let's try to think of a moral for this failure of a blog (2 nights in a row people! I'm falling apart...ahhhh I need some inspiration!) ok so 1) don't be afraid of failure or setbacks....cause even if you pay $7 to get into the pool and it storms, you can always go see those cute boys at tro sno and watch dance moms instead! 2) DON'T BE A GHOST! if you aren't yourself and no one seems to recognize it or understand...change things or get some help. therapy can be a realz cool thing! or in my case, end something that isn't working cause 3) CHANGE is a good thing. :) rain is a good thing too cause I am an April baby so I like rain. alrighty I'm done for the night. peace.

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anonymous blogger

p.s. sorry about the "ghost" tangent...I am not sure how much sense it made but we will just go with it.